Say what?

Crazy Frenchmen,...And Their Creamy Seeds? (WTF quotes from Jean-Claude Van Damme)

2008-12-05T07:59:00.000-08:00

Crazy Frenchmen,...And Their Creamy Seeds? (WTF quotes from Jean-Claude Van Damme)

Lucy's Quotes:

Newsweek and Sarah Ball have made my month. After a long, long layoff from the great and strange Jean-Claude Van Damme, aka The Muscles From Brussels, I finally have a new blurb to cherish for it's WTFness, forever and ever. I love this crazy Belgian waffle brain. Honest, I do. Ever since that dance scene in Kickboxer, where his Muay Thai Master gets him absolutely fit-shaced on rice wine so he can do his sexy dance with barroom floozies and test his Muay Thai skill on their jealous men, I have loved him. I love him and I love that scene, doggone it.

Van Damme has always been... a little Euro-Loopy. First, he was just a fun European and if he seemed strange, it was just a cultural misunderstanding. Then, he was certifiably ''eccentric''. Then, just full-on wacky. That's the natural progression of Euro-Loopyism. That's a real mental condition. Sorry, Europeans. It's nothing personal. I love you all, but there's a percentage of you with this disease. It's medical science. It's on par with Amerigooberism, which is like the American equivalent of Euro-Loopyism. That's also a rough disease. Jay Leno interviews people with it on his Jaywalking segment on The Tonight Show. Very sad. Exploitative (Funny), if you ask me. Irregardless (Which isn't a word, I don't think), here are my chosen quotes from the Nov 15, 2008 Newsweek Van Damme interview, by Sarah Ball:

1. Interviewer, Sarah Ball: ''Why did you want to make a film that comments on your own life?''

Jean-Claude: ''I made this just to show some of the internal side of J.C.V.D., in a way. He's a guy, a normal guy from Belgium with dreams, and I did well in that type of path.''

~ Ah, yes. *That* type of path...The one where you have dreams. The funny thing is that some people who take the type of path where they have dreams tend to do well and others don't. Dreams. Can't live with them, can't live without 'em. (Shrugs) Maybe he specifically meant the path of being a guy, from Belgium, with dreams. I don't know. It wasn't that clear to me. What was clear is that he refers to himself as J.C.V.D. So, unfortunately, I'm now going to have to refer to him as just VD. Because, to call him JC would be too high an honor (Jesus reference) and to go with all four letters is just plain ridiculous. Even FDR and JFK only had the three letters. I'm giving this guy more letters than JFK in an abbreviation? I don't think so. What? Oh...Oh, don't give me that. Okay, fine! I would've given him all four letters back in the day of...THE DANCE. But, no. It's too late for that. That bridge has been burnt, Bucko.

2. VD answers a question about the beauty of his film about himself:

''I really opened myself up in "JCVD." I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.''

~ ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... I don't even know... ... ... ... ... ...I mean... What? What kind of fruit has-... Well, I won't get into that, because... Oh, boy.

Sarah replies to this statement: ''OK —''

VD cutting her off: ''It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.''

Sarah: ''Well, I —''

VD cutting her off to explain: ''Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman.''

~ Yeah, imagine that? I guess the people of Hong Kong are the crazy ones for thinking you're completely monkey-dumpling bonkers?

3. VD decides to take the direction of the interview into unforeseen territory, by asking some questions of his own: ''And are you 27, or 32?''
Sarah, probably overjoyed: ''I'm 22.''

VD: ''Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?''

Sarah: ''I don't know. When is it?''

VD: ''I don't know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?''

Sarah, probably fearing one of those inconvenient Van Damme dry hump attacks: ''Uh —''

VD, confident in his surprise attack mode:

''You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.''

That was the end of the interview. May I just say...bravo. BRAVO, Crazy Belgian Waffle-head! If I had roses, I would present them to you. Sarah, I sincerely applaud your considerable efforts in whatever it took to survive this interview and hope you didn't get any of VD's creamy seeds or whatever on you. Oy vey.

WARNING: THIS REALLY HAPPENED. These were NOT quotes from a SATIRICAL PIECE. This was a quote from a REAL interview on the REAL Newsweek.

PS: Go vote for Crotchety Old Man, over at humorbloggers.com or small elves resembling Richard Simmons without the perkiness will force you to sweat to the oldies until they cue dueling banjos, then it will get really interesting and there will be a pineapple and-You know what? You better just go ahead and go vote for him, because you don't even want to hear the rest of that business. Trust me.

Click Here To Read The Full Hilarious Van Damme Interview:

Watch THE VAN DAMME KICKBOXER DANCE/FIGHT:

You see, Kiddo. There was this tranny named Tweeter, dealin' blow...

2008-11-14T03:01:00.001-08:00

Lucy's Quotes:

Warning: Lucy does not dig gossip.

Well, that is to say- I mean- She does. She's always interested in it but she doesn't morally condone it and never initiates it, 51% of the time. . . Tricky, huh? You know it's tricky when (I) she starts referring to (my) her self in the third person. Man, I'm confused! Anyway, today's quote comes from Richard Johnson's 'Page Six' section of the New York Post. While I first spotted the tidbit in an old issue of Reader's Digest, I was directed to the source for a direct quote.

As a side note: It was an OLD issue of Reader's Digest because JD considers them an arch nemesis and has banned them from the household over a cancellation problem that took place with his Uncle. It didn't get resolved until after he hired Ninja mercenaries on his behalf. For the record, I'm fine with Reader's Digest and I think it's time to drop the grudge. I will gladly turn the other cheek because I miss the Word Power section. Also, it wasn't *my* Uncle and I'm not the one who paid for the ninjas. Did I mention I miss the Word Power? Also, since I'm capitalizing on superfluous information to fill out the post because I'm out of practice: The ninja mercenaries were some of the very few which are of Swedish descent. There are really only 15 Swedish Ninja mercenaries in all of Canada...where we got them. Okay, I'm getting off track, here. Back to the quote:

Page Six says:

''May 3, 2007 -- KINDERGARTEN kids in ritzy L.A. suburb Calabasas have been coming home to their parents and talking about the "weird man" who keeps coming to their class to sing "scary" songs on his guitar. ''

Okay, I want to pause right there for kicks. Scroll down.

Keep scrolling, darn you.

Don't stop now.

Continuing quote: ''The "weird" one turns out to be Bob Dylan, whose grandson (Jakob Dylan's son) attends the school. He's been singing to the kindergarten class just for fun, but the kiddies have no idea they're being serenaded by a musical legend - to them, he's just Weird Guitar Guy. '' ''

Ah, yes. I can just see it now. His raspy moan, belting out ''Tweeter and the Monkey Man'' and shooting his eyes back and forth like a crack-head watching two other crack-heads playing tennis. That'd scare me, too. Here's some advice, Bob: Bring Willie Nelson with you. Willie will calm them down just with the, um, *botanical fumes'' drifting off of his cowboy hat. Yes, you could get very *calm* just with the scent of Willie's cowboy hat. Honest. It's science. ''What, no fumes like that off of Bob?'', you're asking. Listen, smart ass! . . . . . . I do not have a good answer to that. So, more than that; Willie's just not weird or creepy to anybody. Not that I don't like Bob, but children have very sensitive creep-o-meters. Odd-o-meters, even. In Bob's old(er) age, sometimes he seems a little more creepy doing the same things he was doing when he was 20. That's life. Think about it. Picture a 20-year-old on a skateboard with a backwards baseball cap...now, add forty years. Yes, cool to creepy in just four decades. Life is fickle, turning on you in the blink of an eye. Anyway, I got a good laugh out of this blurb from back in 2007 and I hope you did, too. I apologize for my hiatus. We both had quotes on 90 hours worth of shows saved up on our DVR and it totally blew out. Shortly before that happened, we pledged to make posts every day for a few weeks. God laughed right after we made that plan and blew out our DVR to teach us a lesson. Point taken, big guy. Point taken.

PS: If you knew the identity of the man singing to the kids without having heard this before and only from the title of this post-referring to 'Tweeter and The Monkey Man'-Dylan's song from the The Traveling Wilburys-...You get about 36 cool points. Let us know if you knew, so that we may mark you down.

Check me out at my recent, newish blog! Do it Now!

My theory is that haggling may elicit pity, on occasion (Quotes of and about Abraham Lincoln with sex, hats and disease)

2008-10-10T23:59:00.001-07:00

My theory is that haggling may elicit pity, on occasion (Quotes of and about Abraham Lincoln with sex, hats and disease)

JD's quotes:

The other day, I tuned in to The History Channel's three-hour documentary, simply entitled 'Lincoln'. If you're a history buff, three hours of Abraham Lincoln's life and times is just a drop in the bucket but it was a good program. Of course it was full of American history's documentary staples. Old historians, young historians, a gentle country fiddle in the background, people who posed for pictures looking like their pet puppy just died while choking on their pet kitten, a narrator with a deep voice and authors up the wazoo. It's the only right way to do it, really.

''We're making a documentary and we've got some authors.''
''Oh, yeah? Enough authors to be up the wazoo?''
''One or two more and we'll be comfortably in the wazoo territory.''
''Oh... Sounds like it's going to be a good documentary, then.''
''Damn Skippy.''

...I'm sure that conversation happened in one form or another over at The History Channel's head office. At any rate, I've got humorous quotes about Lincoln. He may've been a melancholy fellow, married to a crazy person but his life was not without humor...rumor has it, anyway. My chosen quotes as follows:

Jennifer Fleischner, author of 'Mrs. Lincoln and Mrs. Keckly', joined the conversation about how Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln were thought to be overly lenient with their children as they tore through the White house with wagons and goats, crashing cabinet meetings and taking full advantage of their permissive parents. She attempts to quote one of Lincoln's friends by saying:

''...And they were doting and I think it's Herndon who says, you know, ''If the boys shat in his hat, he would think 'Oh, isn't that wonderful?' '' You know? He would go ''Wow!' You know, ''That's great!''. Um, they could do anything.''

~Now, I've been trying to tell people for years that 'shat' is a real word and is the appropriate past tense of another word which I know and love. I have been met with looks of incredulity. Well. . . I feel vindicated by one of those brainy historian types saying it. So, ...there. To all you doubters: I bet you just shat yourself.

Gore Vidal, who wrote his own Lincoln book called 'Lincoln: A Novel' which was historical fiction, was featured throughout the show and if you could get past the annoying (to some) exaggeratedly ''academic'' tone of voice, he was an illuminating guest on the show with a good sense of humor. Speaking of William Herndon's stories of Lincoln, Vidal says:

''Herndon, his law partner for seventeen years- I think it was-; he knew more about Lincoln than anybody. He had some great stories to tell. How Lincoln was in a horny mood. He was in his twenties and... he asked a friend. He said, uh, ''Do you know where there is any?''. And, they said ''Well there's this girl that's down on Front street. You know, near the river. She's just in town.'' So, Lincoln goes to see her. Said ''Now, before we start anything, you know, I'm a poor man. I mean, how much is this going to be?'' and she said ''Three dollars'' and he says, ''Well, what-what about two?'' and she said, ''I don't want to haggle.'' She was a very nice woman.

So, finally, uh, they commit the horrible deed, and then when it's over, he starts to give her two dollars and twenty five cents or whatever it was they'd agreed on and she says ''Oh, don't bother,'' and everybody says, ''You know, how the-how like Lincoln. He goes there. He can't pay the three dollars and he ends up getting it for nothing. Now, how does he do that?'' Now you see how he held the Union together.''

~I wonder what miracles Bill Clinton could've worked during a Civil War if that's the kind of people skills you need. I would also add that I really like Vidal's phrase ''Do you know where there is any?''

Lastly, during a part of the documentary where Lincoln's severe strain as a wartime president is taking a great toll on him mentally and physically, they say Lincoln is basically being badgered by everyone constantly for his words on the war. Everyone wanted Lincoln to give them something. Lincoln had a milder form of the small pox infection also referred to as varioloid, then. Unfortunately, his ill condition did not receive any sympathetic cessation of badgering.

Harold Holzer, Author of 'The Lincoln Image', gives us a gem of anecdotal Lincoln humor from a sick and tired Honest Abe:

''On his way home from giving the greatest speech of his career, he was sidelined by uh, a case of ''varioloid'', as it was called. And, uh, he was thrilled because he-when he got back to Washington, uh, uh- told that there were office-seekers still lining up outside to pester him- he said ''Have them come in. Now I have something I can give everybody.'' ''

Now, they left me hanging on that note because they never said if he successfully delivered that present to everyone. . . I'd like to think he did.

If you've enjoyed this post, you might want to try our Humorous quote post on President Harry Truman: The Lesser-Known of Russian Drinking Games: Harry Truman's Point of View

Then, again, you may just want to watch youtube videos of chimps playing Van Halen. I don't know what you're into. It's none of my business, really. Thanks for stopping by, though.

Canine AIDS is not a laughing matter? (Real George Carlin Quotes)

2008-10-07T19:00:00.001-07:00

JD's quotes: From: George Carlin's HBO special, 'George Carlin: What Am I Doin' in New Jersey?', performed at the Park Theater in Union City, New Jersey.

In George Carlin's act, he was good enough so that most of the things he said, tended to fall under a title. He performed pieces, like a classical musician, only with stand-up comedy instead of a violin or a piano. Like, in this special he had a piece detailing a long ''list of people I can do without''. Classic. And, unlike many George Carlin quotes and essays and whatever the dink else that float around on the Internet, this is really from George. I know, because we verify our quotes to a source. This source was George's mouth. I saw his lips move with my own eyes and heard these words come out with my own ears. So, rest assured, this stuff is real, genuine Carlinism. Now for his quotes:

Included in his ''list of people I can do without'' are several occupational hazard types. Among them, George includes:

1. ''A brain surgeon with ''Born to lose'' tattooed on his hands.''
2. ''A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand.''
3. ''A funeral director who says ''Hope to see you folks again, real soon!''.''
4. ''A proctologist with poor depth perception''

George on recreational, pharmaceutical advances he looks forward to:

5. ''They don't have any rectal drugs, do they? That's going to be a big advance when we have that. Soon as we have-Yeah, then you can hide them and take them at the same time, you know?''

George on suggestions to keep people on their toes and also on snazzy cartoon character watches:

6. ''Someone asks you what time it is, say, ''Well, . . .it's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.''.''

George on the epidemic road rage crisis:

7. ''I like kind of a preventive violence in my car. Know what I have? In the rear window of my car, I have one of those diamond-shaped, yellow signs that says ''Armed pit bull with AIDS on board''. And I'll tell you, even the jack-offs are leaving me alone.''

Lastly: George Carlin panders to the New Jersey crowd he's playing to?

''I like New Jersey. I even have one of those T-shirts you guys sell. It says ''Kiss her where it smells. Take her to New Jersey.'' So, I'm a supporter.''

~Yeah, I didn't think so. Not big on the pandering, was he?

I'm keeping this post short and sweet. When George died, I thought about doing a nice, long R. I. P. post for him and talking about how he's in our prayers now that he's passed away and whatnot, but you know what? George would've HATED that. He hated the sugarcoated term ''passed away'', he was an atheist and he just didn't like sappy bullsh*t, like prayers for the dead. So, now, months later, I'm doing a short and sweet George Carlin quote post with only a minor point of his being D-E-A-D, not going to heaven or hell but leaving some interesting stuff behind for us and any George Carlin fan can appreciate that. George can't, because he's dead and gone and even the Flying Spaghetti Monster can't change that, Bucko. Forget about that vulgar, blasphemous, misanthropic a**hole. That's what I'm going with, . . . because I think George would've loved that sh*t.

Aw, what the heck? I'll miss ya, George. I think about something you've said damned near every day and I probably always will, you curmudgeonly old nihilist. 'Say what?' salutes you and the horse you rode in on.

To see a little more 'Say what?' fun with George Carlin, please click here: George Carlin jokes about cancer, canine expiration and Elmer Fudd getting the shaft again

Google Page Rank Hates Us But We Are Standing Tall. Okay, we're standing slightly hunched and cowardly but that's neither here nor there. . .

2008-10-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, what's there to say? We almost gave up. Uh-huh. We almost gave up. We got tired of having no Google page rank and crappy traffic. TIRED! I know, we're whiney. But so was yo mama! Okay, whoa. Let's stop right there. There's no need to escalate. We apologize. That was totally uncalled for. So, anyway. . . We're bloody freakin' back now. 'Say what?' is back, baby! Ignore that exclamation point. It might come across too enthusiastic. Preppy, even.

We're going to try another experiment and post every day for a few weeks. Or we'll fail to do that and instead watch youtube videos of cartoon monkeys. I'm not sure which. Who cares? Both things are productive or at the very least, not damaging to society that much.

We're proud to announce that one of the two of us has a scary new blog that is only three posts old. It's Lucy who now has the blog formally and informally known as ''The Nearly Reformed Jive Turkeys Club''. Check that out. Also, she is starting guest posts at McGhee's Review. Due to an unfortunate cable blow-out, she had to forgo her second nearly consecutive post there but she did get the one under her belt at: A short and simple review of SNL's third episode of Season 34

So, we're happy to be back with you anonymous readers that we'll pretend exist. . . and anyone else, too, I guess. Real or pretend, we don't discriminate. Wish us luck. Or don't. Either way, we'll pretend you did, so you might as well do it. Sorry if that sounded menacing or intimidating. It wasn't meant to. Okay, yes it was. But, sorry.

~JD and Lucy

Sorry, the post office decides how much your average, local prostitute's rates are. . . (Quotes from SNL's Weekend Update)

2008-08-24T06:24:00.000-07:00

Pictured above are Tina Fey on the left and Amy Poehler on the right.

Lucy's Quotes:

I've had some spare quotes hanging around from SNL's fake news segment, Weekend Update-my favorite segment since Cas Walker was the anchor and the only weekly host was Art Linkletter. It's been a long time is what I'm saying. Anyway, let's look back on some of the great lines of SNL's Weekend Update segment that I've wrongly and embarrassingly left unused. Here they are from many years of anchorpersons:

Chevy Chase:

''The post office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.''

Colin Quinn:

''In international news, the Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But, you know, that's probably just the booze talking.''

Colin Quinn:

''England's Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their fifty-second wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic, candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''A new article in Vanity Fair says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, 'My Life', in time for his deadline. It's not really surprising since you can only type so fast using one hand.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''Researchers have found that Bottlenose Dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out Vampire Dolphins.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''Scientists say the detection of particles of West Nile Virus in the breast milk of a Michigan woman earlier this month is not cause for alarm. Though just to be on the safe side, they are warning Michigan residents not to suck the woman's nipples.''

Amy Poehler:

''Poland's Prime Minister, Donald Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish Submarines.''

Amy Poehler:

''According to a new survey, 67% of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners.''

Seth Meyers:

''A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: If you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.''

Seth Meyers:

''John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host, Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, without once mentioning McCain's middle name- Methuselah.''

Tina Fey:

''Starting March twenty-ninth, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly because the Irish are known for their easygoing tempers and their respect for authority.''

Tina Fey:

''Supermodel, Cindy Crawford is furiously denying Shaquille O'Neal's claim that he and Crawford have had sex. Although, it is a bit suspicious that Crawford was recently torn in half.''

Tina Fey:

''A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday, after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were ''teaching tools''. Said the professor, ''Teach that bitch to cheat on me.'' ''

I hope you've enjoyed these cute bits and bobbles of SNL's news quotes. To recap, we (SNL and I) have basically discussed prostitution, suckling adults, murder, freakish sex injuries, drug use and offended the Irish, twice. A one-post record for me. We've also offended the Poles and there was some imagery of Bill Clinton masturbating. So,...my work here is done. I am ready for a nap.

Click here to see all 'Say what?' SNL quote posts. (Although, I'm loath to admit it, JD actually grabbed the first quote we've done from SNL even though he almost never watches it.)

Warning: Sexual Research From Canadian Universities Does Not Verify These Findings

2008-08-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

Warning: Sexual Research From Canadian Universities Does Not Verify These Findings

JD's Quotes: From: Rodney Dangerfield in 'Meet Wally Sparks'.

Rodney Dangerfield co-wrote and played the title role in 'Meet Wally Sparks'. Wally is a Jerry Springer-like talk show host fighting cancellation of his show. Okay, well, his character isn't quite as respectable and dignified as Jerry Springer but you get the idea. While the movie isn't what I'd call a classic, I would laugh at Rodney Dangerfield reading a phone book. My favorite bit of dialogue would be where Sparks attends a party at the governor's mansion. As he's schmoozing with various official types, the following bit of dialogue takes place:

Kay Gerhard as the ambassador's wife: My husband is the Canadian ambassador.

Rodney as Wally Sparks: Hey, from Canada, huh? Ho, what a place, Canada! They started a country and nobody showed up, huh? I'm just kidding folks. I'm Wally Sparks. Maybe you've seen my television show, uh?

Edmund L. Shaff as the Canadian ambassador: Well, we don't watch much American television.

Wally: Aw, that's too bad. You know, I heard in Canada, they only have sex doggy style. That way, you can both watch the hockey game.

Since Canadians may be politely up in arms over this ridiculous ethnic stereotype, I will come to the rescue, yet again for my Canadian pals. So that no one gets the wrong idea from Rodney Dangerfield's slight ribbing, here is an official list of other sexual positions, techniques and styles that are all perfectly legal and socially acceptable in Canada (Note that they may be called something different in other countries):

The Polar Bear Pumper, The Upside Down Igloo, The Canuck Winker, The Grumpy Grizzly, The Floating Maple Leaf, The Iroquois Iggy, Aunt Suzie's Pipe, The Fur Trader, Pushing The Oregon Boundary, Pimping The Penguin Pocket, The French Mustache, The Ottawa Hornswaggle, The British Colombian Beaver Burner, The Huckleberry Ham-bacon Hiccup, The Toronto Tickle, The Regina Rifleman, The Slow Whistle, The Saucy Saucer Pass, The Funny Puck-bunny Honey, The Double Kneeling Mountie Polka, The Obtuse Moose Goose, Le Pamplemousse Juteux (The juicy grapefruit, in English, I think) and of course, The Missionary Position. If you actually are both trying to watch a hockey game, that last one isn't practical and may cause an argument. Anyway, thanks to Rodney for his everlasting comic genius and the Canadian people for teaching me that a Toronto Tickle, Le Pamplemousse Juteux and Obtuse Moose Goose should be executed in chronological order. That helped a lot.

PS: I sure am glad I left out 'The Arse Farce'' on the list. That would've been a bit too crass for a fine upstanding blog like this one, eh?

Blue Eyes and Brown Noses: A Phil Hartman Quote

2008-08-18T21:44:00.001-07:00

Blue Eyes and Brown Noses: A Phil Hartman Quote

Lucy's quotes:

As some of you may know, I love Saturday Night Live. I Always have. Even back in the days when Walter Winchell did Weekend Update and Danny Thomas was the only weekly host. Lorne Michaels was still there. . . Anyway, I enjoyed watching the hours-long E! channel special entitled, 101 Most Unforgettable SNL Moments. On their list, they featured two impersonations of ol' blue eyes, himself-Frank Sinatra. One by Joe Piscopo and one by the late Phil Hartman, respectively. While Joe Piscopo played Frank as an old singer who wasn't quite with the times and too blunt to be politically correct, he also played him as having an affable side. Phil Hartman took the hilariously exaggerated route and played a Sinatra with a zero-tolerance policy who just couldn't wait to burn you.

Robert Smigel is a longtime SNL writer responsible for SNL's TV Funhouse segment and the puppeteer and voice of Late Night With Conan O'Brien's Triumph, the insult comic dog. During his long stay with SNL while Phil Hartman was still a cast member, Smigel decided to write a version of 'The McLaughlin Group' with Frank Sinatra as the host. The idea came to fruition on January 19, 1991 and saw Sting playing a super-sneering Billy Idol on Frank's panel of celebrity pundits. I know, Billy Idol does not sound like a likely pundit on anything . . .it's part of the humorous scenario, people. Get with it. Anyway, Billy really rubs Frank the wrong way-like everyone did to Phil Hartman's Frank. Phil looks like he might break character a little bit with a smile when he tells Sting ''You don't scare me. I got chunks of guys like you in my stool'' Funny as that is, no it's not the quote of the day. It's just part of the back story. Also on the celebrity panel are Sinead O'Connor (Played by Jan Hooks), and Frank's, uh-pals, Steve and Eydie (played by Mike Meyers and Victoria Jackson). The real quote comes from a Phil Hartman interview in 1996 when Phil recounts:

''I met his-his daughter. She told him ''There's this guy who's impersonating you on Saturday Night Live'' and-and he said ''Yeah, what are they-what are they saying, now?'' She said, ''Well, they did a thing called 'The Sinatra Group' and in it, you say that Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme are a couple of brown-nosers and the audience laughs.'' and he goes ''...Well, that part's true.''

Ah, celebrity reactions. Can't get enough of 'em. By the way, I take back my mini-slam on Lorne Michaels. I wouldn't want to ruin my dreams of some day being the Weekend Update Anchor...in the proud tradition of Winchell.

Why did Cleopatra try to give up her throne to become a beekeeper?

2008-08-17T22:30:00.001-07:00

Pictured above is Katie Morgan, sexual historian . . . and porn star. Okay, really more porn star than historian. Mostly an amateur historian and a professional porn star. If you want to get technical about it, that is.

Disclaimer: While this is not an X-Rated post on 'Say what?', there are adult subjects broached. You have probably guessed this as a likelihood, because you are smart and there's a picture of a porn star up there, but I thought I'd warn you anyway. It's not profane, but it is adult. Proceed at your own risk. Be safe. Wear protection. I am. I'm wearing a tin foil hat and ear muffs. I do that for every post, though. Don't ask.

JD'S Quotes:

So, why did Cleopatra try to give up her throne to become a beekeeper? As always, the smart ones will figure out the title by the end of the post. Anyway, I think I've mentioned that I love documentaries. I've also looked very hard for humorous quotes from documentaries for you all. So, out of a pure dedication to the readers of 'Say what?' and sheer intellectual curiosity for history and technology; I watched HBO's Katie Morgan On Sex Toys - A documentary on the history up to now of sex toys, narrated by brainy blonde pornographic starlet, Katie Morgan...who narrated the show nude even though it wasn't technically necessary in any way. Great documentary. Not only was it informative and funny but - Hey, did I happen to mention that Katie Morgan narrated the show nude? Because, she did do that, in case you had wondered. Here are some of nude narrator Katie Morgan's quotes from this fine, fine documentary where the narrator, Katie Morgan, nudely narrated:

*Oh, and by the way, the narrator, Katie Morgan,... she was nude the entire time she was narrating. I just thought I'd mention that. You know me, anything to get people excited about history.

1. Katie on approving of modern technological advances in sexual recreation:

''You know, there's probably never been a better time than today to be an out and out sex maniac.''

2. Katie Morgan on the proper priorities for all ancient cultures-anthropologically speaking, I believe:

''Well, actually, sex toys are hardly new. Consider the dildo. The very first sex toy has been around since the stone age! That's at least 20,000 years before the invention of the wheel. Well, first thing's first, I always say.''

3. Katie Morgan on psychology and impotence: What not to do:

''Comparing yourself to the Greek god of hard-ons could lead to a serious case of limp wiener.''

4. Katie Morgan, perhaps commenting on the most significant role Cleopatra played in ancient history:

''They say Cleopatra invented the very first vibrator by filling a gourd with buzzing bees.''

~Okay, most significant role from Katie's personal perspective.

5. Katie then talked about the completely true history of the modern electrically powered vibrator, which doctors used to treat hysteria in women. It was invented just for the purposes of this good old fashioned medical remedy. Before our next quote, a brief intermission . . . :

The following is a brief and possibly inaccurate reenactment of an early twentieth century doctor's office, from the makers of 'Say what?':

Nurse Willis: Hysterical again, Cathy? Well, the doctor will be with you in a moment.
(buzzing sound and yelling in the background)
Cathy: What's that buzzing sound, nurse Willis?
Nurse Willis: Well, let's just say that your treatments will go a lot faster, from now on.

Man, doctors can be incredibly brilliant healers, can't they? Okay, back to Katie's quote on this particular therapy:

''Unmarried women and nuns were especially encouraged to go in for weekly treatments . . . It was almost worth taking vows for.''

Now, I have known a few nuns in my time and even in this modern day in age, I think they could all use these treatments. Oh, sure. Now, it seems like sexist, chauvinistic, barbaric quackery but would you prefer politically correct medicine or a relaxed nun who doesn't want to kick your ass with a ruler? Be honest.

6. And, last but not least -also, most deserving of the disclaimer: Katie talks about the need for an appliance that can do just about anything, from a very old magazine ad, I think:

''How often do you get to shave your legs and get yourself off with one handy appliance? . . . Just don't get your attachments confused.''

Well, Katie, you have certainly given us all quite a bit to think about and some good advice about avoiding genital catastrophe with a multipurpose personal appliance. You are a smart lady and one hot historian. And, I salute you.

If that's a real Russian saying, I'll kiss your Smirnoff: An Emily Mortimer anecdote

2008-08-16T16:37:00.001-07:00

Lucy's quotes:

A Quick Legal Statement: On the off chance that it's really a Russian saying in Emily's anecdote, I renege on kissing anyone's Smirnoff. It was totally said in jest and not a legally binding agreement. My lawyer says so.

Whew! Now that that's over with, let's get on with the quote. NBC's Late Night With Conan O'Brien gets onto Say what? yet again. Emily Mortimer stopped by Late Night not too long ago to promote her recent movie, Transsiberian. She found herself talking about a former Russian poet she'd dated and the downfall of their relationship. Yes, perfect setting for humor, we know. Emily says as follows:

''And, also, he had a very bushy mustache and I wasn't that into the mustache and I got-I got drunk one night and so did he and he fell asleep and I shaved the mustache off in his sleep.

But I got about half way through and then he woke up and he cried. It was awful. (Audience makes a collective 'aw' sound) And he said-and he said he'd had a mustache since he was fourteen years old and that you know, in Russia, they had a saying that eat-uh-no, what was it? Kissing- (changing to a Russian accent) 'Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.' ''

According to Emily, things started to go steadily downhill after that and they broke up. Not exactly a plot twist. So, the moral of the story is: Don't shave sleeping people without their consent. They will not be happy. . .Unless they're into that sort of thing . . . But most people aren't . . . So, check on that beforehand if you're making any plans.

Future Headline: Pete Rose gets double ineligibility after attacking Bob Costas

2008-08-15T17:37:00.000-07:00

JD's quotes:

Believe it or not, I think this is the first Baseball related post on 'Say what?'. To our Baseball quote enthusiasts who are shocked that we haven't even at least gotten in a Yogi Berra post...sorry about that. HBO's Costas NOW examined the current state of major league baseball and various Hall of Fame eligibility issues, like players whose stats don't seem as great compared to the steroid-induced stats that today's players often put up. Pete Rose had to show up live via satellite due to health issues. Apparently, this made a fine setting for a zinger. Host, Bob Costas gives Pete the following introduction:

''And now, Pete Rose had been planning to be with us, here in New York. And, despite a case of food poisoning-ever the gamer- he actually went to the airport before being grounded by his ailment. He will join us though, by satellite. He is, of course, the all-time hits leader. And, we really wanted to have him here. And, you know, w-what are the odds? Food poisoning - right before a big show like this. What are the odds of that? Actually, Pete, I'm thinking you probably know, the answer to that question. (Much applause ensues). . . Are you feeling better, Pete?''

Pete via satellite: ''Yeah, smartass.''

For those that don't know, Pete Rose is ineligible to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame because he gambled on Baseball games while playing for and later managing the Cincinnati Reds. I'd say Pete took that joke well, all things considered.

Female Society Thanks Adam Hunter For Bringing Attention To This Issue:

2008-08-10T18:25:00.001-07:00

Female Society Thanks Adam Hunter For Bringing Attention To This Issue:

I tune in to NBC's Last Comic Standing here and there when I can take enough time off from feeding cats. There are some very talented comics who land a spot on this show. I've got three quotes for you from the last episode I caught. Here they are:

Lucy's quotes:

Hailing from Salt Lake City, Utah is a former vocalist in a rock band named Marcus and he can do impressions of Bobcat Goldthwait and Aaron Neville. Not a combination found in nature, I might add. Marcus is already planning to be a big star as he only goes by the one name. Bold move. Prince, Madonna, Marcus. It could work. He talks a lot about music in his act, including:

''I don't understand music today. The music I really don't understand is R & B. Because I grew up on old school R & B. The good stuff. Like Sexual Healing,... Let's Get It On. Those songs-I just said the titles of those songs and three people just got pregnant in this room. That's how good that is. That's how good it works.''

Jim Tavaré, the double bass playing English sketch comedy actor with a pleasantly dry sense of humor says:

''My grandfather always used to say to me 'Son, you don't get anywhere in life unless you open doors.' What happened to him? He fell out of an airplane.''

Adam Hunter is a former wrestler and wrestling coach as well as a comic. He describes how male maturity levels can interfere with a couple's sex life:

''The sex was getting kind of redundant for a while so we went to see a sex therapist. And, uh, he said we should use toys in bed. You know? So, so, she went out and got a vibrator and I got Guitar Hero.''

Recently, for the first time in history, we have full grown men who've grown up with video games and the repercussions reach all aspects of life. Sad, really. My advice is to date men without thumbs. See, you need a man who doesn't have an X-Box addiction and a man with no thumbs is just happy to have a good woman so it really works out for everyone. There. Problem solved. God, I rock at solving society's biggest and most challenging issues. Next, I'm going to tackle the national debt thingamajig. Or, I'll just order a pizza and read a magazine. . . I do need to pace myself.

The New, Cutting-Edged Way To Protect Yourself From That Particular STD

2008-08-09T16:12:00.001-07:00

For a mainstream, family friendly comedy, Mrs. Doubtfire was pretty entertaining. It stars Robin Williams as Daniel Hillard, a flaky voice actor but a loving family man and Sally Field as his wife and serious career woman, Miranda. Miranda has had enough of being the sole adult in the family and divorces him. Due to his inability to hold down a regular job, Daniel, by court order, is cut out of his three children's daily lives. Hearing that his wife wants to hire a part time nanny to watch their kids after school, Daniel develops a plan. As a talented voice actor with a brother who works as a make-up artist, he creates an affable character to fool his ex. Mrs. Doubtfire, a proper old Englishwoman with a sparkling background as a nanny is born and is an irresistible nanny for hire to trick his way back into his children's everyday lives.

A jealous Daniel sees his wife falling for an upper class pretty boy named Stu Dunmeyer played by Pierce Brosnan. Daniel gets close to his wife again as Mrs. Doubtfire and does what he can to dissuade her and Stu from each other, telling Miranda that she should wait to get involved with anyone for the sake of the children and making random snide remarks at Stu under his breath...and throwing fruit at him. Stu takes everyone out to celebrate Miranda's birthday to a fancy restaurant and Daniel finds himself alone with Stu at the dinner table- as Mrs. Doubtfire. With this opportunity, he decides to play hardball. Earlier, Stu had given Miranda an expensive bracelet, leading to the following conversation:

JD's quotes:

Daniel/Mrs. Doubtfire: That's a pretty impressive bauble you got her.

Stu: Hmm? Oh. Thank you. Thank you.

Mrs. Doubtfire: A fellow gives a gift like that, he wants more than a piece of her heart, ay? Hmm? Bit of a going down payment, huh?

Stu: Excuse me?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, you know, Dear. Sink the sub? Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise? Bit of the old Humpty Dumpty? Little Jack Horny? The horizontal mambo? Hmm?

Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire-

Mrs. Doubtfire: The bone dance, eh? Rumple Foreskin, boloney bop. A bit of the old cunny linguistics. Mm?

Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, dear. I'm sorry. Am I being a little graphic? Sorry . . . I hope you're up for a little competition.

Stu: I beg your pardon?

Mrs. Doubtfire: She's got a power tool in the bedroom, Dear. It's her personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She's uses it and the lights dim. It's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth. Ooh . . . I hope you bring cocktail sauce. . . She's got the crabs, Dear, and I don't mean Dungeness. I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I? Forgive me. Oh, . . . mm.

That was arguably the best riff in the movie and on behalf of Say what?, I salute it. For instructions on how to do the official Say what? salute, watch the movie Three Amigos. We pretty much ripped off their salute and added a 3 second raspberry with a split-second whistle at the end. It's a little complicated but there you have the basic instructions.

How do you make a cross joint? You're a disgrace to your people!

2008-08-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

Lucy's quotes:

Seth Rogen, renowned marijuana smoker, marijuana advocate and actor who plays stoners was recently on Late Night With Conan O'Brien promoting his movie Pineapple Express which is about a stoner and his stoner dealer. Now, I don't know how it happened but from far left field Conan raised the subject of marijuana. It's beyond me how this subject came up but it did happen.

Featured in Pineapple Express is an astounding technique that can only be performed by a Shaolin master of marijuana...which I think exists. I'm pretty sure Caine from Kung Fu is one. Anyway, Rogen must be one too because he introduced the 'Cross joint' technique into his movie. The cross joint from what I gather is two joints assembled into one cross for maximum effect (Do not try this at home. Especially if you're out of chips.). So, when Conan asks how Rogen's family feels about him publicizing his recreational habit that he's had since childhood, the Jewish Canadian Rogen says this:

''My grandmother is who I was really, really worried about. And uh, she finally saw the movie and you know, the cross joint specifically 'cause you know, you got to know quite a bit about weed to do that. So, uh, uh, so, she-she came up to me after and she's like 'You know, I'm unhappy with you. Especially about that cross joint.' I was like 'Oh, man. Here it comes.' and she's like 'Why couldn't it have been a Star of David joint?' ''

Now, I ask you: If you've got to be a Shaolin marijuana master just to get the cross joint technique down...is a Star of David joint really a fair goal to expect your grandson to attain? Talk about Jewish guilt. That's just unreasonable, Seth Rogen's Grandma! Shame on you!

Incidentally, 'Golf' Backwards Is 'Flog'.

2008-08-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

~ Just look at 'er. You know she's about to say something good.

Lucy's quotes:

Ladies and Germs, this is Oprah and The Oprah Winfrey Show's first appearance on Say what?, miraculous as it may seem. Now, I'm not a regular Oprah watcher because they clearly give the audience some type of hallucinogenic drug to rev 'em up like that. Oprah says something like ''I love Versace house slippers!'' and 500 women act like their seats are made by the manufacturers of the Sybian. And, I'm like 'house slippers can't be that good'. However, I did catch yesterday's episode called '237 Reasons To Have Sex', which explored subjects like open marriages and friends with benefits. Dr. Pepper Schwartz was there...No, I didn't make that name up . . . Her name is Pepper and she's a frickin' doctor. No lie.

Anyway, after interviewing people on the street, they got a hold of a 65-year-old woman named Winnie who claims to have had sexy time with her husband in return for a new house. Any objections you may have aside, I say, if your sexy time is still (or ever) worth new-house-value at 65, you probably take vitamins and do yoga 'cause you're doing something right. Today's quote takes place after Winnie admits that her and her husband have sexy time in all sorts of places, prompting the following exchange:

Winnie, the audience member:

''We live on the golf course so we use the golf course at night.''

Oprah:

''That's too good. I-That was just too good. 'Cause you know everybody wants to know what hole.''

. . . Apparently, it was the 16th hole . . . But I'm not even sure that's physically possible!

How To Romance A Roman Woman: Titus Pullo's Lecture On Harmony Between The Sexes

2008-08-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

~ The ancient Roman version of a buddy cop duo. Ray Stevenson on the left as Titus Pullo and Kevin McKidd on the right as Lucius Vorenus on HBO's Rome.

HBO's movie-quality series Rome was a favorite of mine. I was fascinated by the everything about it, including the amazing amount of Britishness...that was weird. Rome's storyline took two names briefly mentioned in a historical account of Rome's war in Gaul by Julius Caesar and developed large, influential biographies during the plot of the show that allowed for great dramatic licence as well as a good sense of the actual political turmoil at the time. The two figures were Titus Pullo (perfectly played by Ray Stevenson) and Lucius Vorenus (played by the immensely talented Scotsman, Kevin McKidd). Rome was the kind of soap opera that a real man such as myself would watch and its humor was certainly not lacking, so blended with the deep drama you'd swear Joss Whedon wrote the damn thing (He didn't, it was Bruno Heller, mostly). Either way, my quotes today are from one of my favorite scenes of the short-lived series.

Roman solider, Lucius Vorenus, comes back from a long military campaign to find he isn't suited for domestic life and is completely incapable of getting along with his now more mature wife and the young children that barely remember their father. Trying to please his wife, he asks Titus Pullo, a fierce but flaky soldier and unabashed ladies man for the best in ancient romantic advice. Taking a walk together, Lucius takes in a brilliant lecture from his subordinate as follows:

JD'S Quotes: Warning: This conversation is just a bit graphic...But informative.

Titus Pullo: Of course, your best method for pleasing a woman is the warm beating heart of an enemy. I mean, women will say they don't like it but they do. It makes them wet as October.

Vorenus: Well, that doesn't answer.

Pullo: Well, failing that, talk to her.

Vorenus: Talk? But of what?

Pullo: It doesn't matter. It's all about the tone of the voice. Pretend you're putting a saddle on a skittish horse. 'There, Honey. Shh, come now.'. You know, that sort of thing.

Vorenus: And that's all?

Pullo: What else?...Oh, tell her she's beautiful-all the time. Tell her she's beautiful every time you see her, even when she's not.

Vorenus: And what else?

Pullo: Oh, aye. Also, very important: When you couple with her, there's this spot just above her cunny. It's like a little button. Now, attend to that button and she will open up like a flower.

Vorenus, stopping angrily: How do you know this of her?

Pullo, defensively: All women have them! Ask anyone.

Now, when I said this was informative earlier, I pretty much had a handle on everything, personally, save for the warm beating heart of an enemy part. And, with today's current laws...it's just not worth a shortcut to October weather. You know what I mean?

Listen, Pally: Dean Martin Was A Comedian!

2008-08-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

Aaaaagain, I say, listen, Pally: Dean Martin Was A Comedian!

Much of my grandmother's family is from Steubenville, Ohio and when she was young and visiting, she played with a little boy named Dino Crocetti, who later turned out to be an Italian King...The King of Cool, that is. It was Dean Martin. Dean loved where he came from and never forgot. They even named an official state holiday in Ohio-Dean Martin Day. I've always liked Dean and I'm a member of a gigantic club in that regard. Very few people didn't like Dean. I picked up a copy of the book 'Memories are made of this: Dean Martin through his daughter's eyes' and found it difficult to put down. The odyssey of Dean and his family's lives makes for quite a drama but a lot of humor too. Dean was an unusual man and had an unusual life. He was a mega-star in his day, several times over. He conquered movies, live acts, TV and the music industry and did it all with a laid back demeanor and sharp wit.

Deana Martin, Dean's daughter, didn't paint him out to be father of the year but there's no doubt that he was appreciated for the man that he was, including his quirky nature as a loner and his sense of humor. Though he's known more for his beautiful voice and his very tipsy stage persona, Dean was as funny as he was musical. An all-around talent. His days with Jerry Lewis left Jerry with a French mob of fans as the brilliant goof and Dean under appreciated for his own comic talent as a straight man and later as a character too full of scotch to actually stand up straight. Of course, he was usually drinking apple juice but even Mayberry's Otis wasn't a more likable fake drunk. Following are some quotes from the book, which I hope you get the chance and have the gumption to read. I think you'll enjoy it, too. If you've already read it...well, whatever, Pally (Dean called people 'Pally'). Here are 12 quotes to make you smile:

JD's quotes:

1. Deana talks about Dean as a teenaged playboy:

''My aunt Violet used to say to him, ''Dino, you never have any money.'' He'd smile and reply, ''I don't need money, Vi, I'm good looking.'' ''

2. Deana talks about Dean as a very minor league, smooth criminal:

''He was a card dealer at the Rex Cigar Store, where he slipped so many silver dollars down his trouser legs and into shoes that he jangled when he walked. It was money his bosses didn't begrudge him, and which he quickly spent.''

3. Deana quotes her dad with many of his most memorable lines. Here's one she quoted on family:

''I have seven beautiful kids. Don't clap, it only took seven minutes.''

4. Dean and the rest of the Rat Pack joked about each other's heritage frequently. Speaking of Frank Sinatra, Deana says:

''Frank sang too, an honor Dad reciprocated at Frank's forty-second birthday party at the Villa Capri in 1957, when he sang a version of ''He's the Top'' with the words ''He's the Wop.'' ''

5. Deana quotes her dad with this silly one-line nugget:

''Don't believe it when they say carrots are good for your eyes, I stuck one in mine last night and it hurt.''

6. Deana quotes some parental advice from Dean to his daughter, Claudia:

''Don't bite your nails,'' he'd tell Claudia. ''Look what happened to Venus de Milo.'' ''

7. Deana talks more about Dean's lighthearted ethnic teasing, this time on his wife, Jeanne:

''He constantly teased Jeanne about her German ancestry, which she had in common with Irma, our German housekeeper. ''Be careful,'' he'd tell us, ''watch those Aryan blue eyes. Next thing we know she'll be holding Bund meetings Thursday nights with Irma behind the pool house.''

8. Deana quotes Dean on his fellow ladies man, Frank Sinatra:

''When Frank dies, they're gonna give his zipper to the Smithsonian.''

9. Deana talks about some of the song alterations Dean did as his drunken stage persona, changing classic songs' lyrics like:

''I looked over Jordan and what did I see . . . Mrs. Jordan.''
''You are too beautiful for one man alone . . . so I brought along my brother.''
''You made me love you . . . you woke me up to do it.''

10. Deana remarks the time Dean's hit ''Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime'' knocked ''A Hard Day's Night'' (By the Beatles) off the number one slot:

''When Dad heard the news of its success, he sent Elvis Presley a telegram that read, ''If you can't handle the Beatles, I'll do it for you, pally.'' ''

11. Deana quotes her dad introducing the Rolling Stones in classic Dino style:

''I've been rolled when I was stoned before. Now ladies and gentlemen, the Rolling Stones.''

12. Deana quotes more Dean one-liner fun, mentioning this one:

''I don't drink anymore, and I don't drink any less.''

That's the end of the quotable Dean Martin fun, pallies. For a load of anecdotes and a keener understanding of the man, pick up a copy of the book. For immediate purposes, if you haven't had enough just yet, here's our gratuitous youtube video for your viewing pleasure. This is one of my favorites from the Dean Martin show, with Victor Borge and his classic bit called 'Phonetic Punctuation.'. Two great musical and comedic talents who used their powers for good, instead of evil, like what Stephen Lynch does. Check it out:

Yeast Infections: Risk Factors You Need To Know About

2008-07-28T20:46:00.000-07:00

JD's quotes:

So, you'd think it'd be Lucy to do this post instead of me. That's understandable. Sorry. Being a man, I have the sort of clinical disconnect from this issue that she may not. Alright, all kidding aside-no, wait. We need the kidding so never mind that. Anyway, one of my favorite characters on TV is Dwight K. Schrute of The Office. Played by Rainn Wilson, Dwight is as I've described before, excitably serious. He typically switches from a super brown-noser to a self important, socially inept uber-nerd. We've all known at least one. In one of Dwight's ramblings to the camera in the mockumentary known as The Office, he touches on his unique leg up on society and a frightening medical theory that may expose a horrifying truth to society.

Rainn Wilson as Dwight:

''I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer Sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. . . Probably. . . because we're down river. . . from that old bread factory.''

I believe this quote can stand alone. Stay tuned for more unusual tips on the environmental obstacles of personal hygiene. Or, stay tuned for more funny quotes from the office.

Previous posts on The Office:

We GOT a zoppity...They're not that great.

Michael Scott has certainly got...that Frisbee kind of cool.

Werewolves ARE real.

In Honor of The Late Estelle Getty:

2008-07-24T02:52:00.000-07:00

In Honor of The Late Estelle Getty:

I was very sorry to hear about the passing of a favorite actress of mine who played Sophia Petrillo from The Golden Girls among other things. Estelle Getty has passed away at the age of 84. As a cast member of The Golden Girls, she was a great sport, being made up to look like the oldest member of the team though she was second from the youngest. Here's a quote from one of my favorite scenes on the show in honor of a woman who had the comic timing to pull off every great line the show's talented writers had ever given her:

Lucy's quote:

While Sophia, a sharp tongued senior citizen, roots through the produce aisle, she decides to confront the store's nearest employee from across the way:

Sophia: Hey. Hey! You got any decent nectarines?
Store Employee: There's nothing wrong with those nectarines.
Sophia: Please, I got a bowl of wax bananas that'll be ripe before these are.
Store Employee: You're crazy. This nectarine is beautiful. I never saw a more perfect piece of fruit.
Sophia: No? Then try kissing my behind,...it's a real peach!

Here's Estelle and her friends, Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur and Betty White on The Golden Girls blooper segment on the Lifetime network where they currently air daily:

Say what? would like to offer our condolences to Estelle Getty's friends and family. She will be missed. She gave the world a lot of laughs.

Amy Poehler Quotes: Our Most Unoriginal Post Title Yet

2008-07-21T02:02:00.000-07:00

~JD says this is Amy's best picture.

I promised a while back for another SNL fan that I'd do some neglected Amy Poehler quotes for her and gathered them, wrote them down and completely forgot about them. Fine blogger I am, huh? At any rate, even Bonnie Raitt, I've got my shizzle together now, home slizzle. Here are my chosen quotes from Amy's respectable run on SNL's Weekend Update-my favorite part of SNL since the mid to late 1940's when I started watching it and Walter Winchell was the anchor:

Lucy's Quotes from Amy Poehler on Weekend Update:

1. ''A new book called, The Case of The Female Orgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys.''

2. ''A deer that got into a Walmart in Norfolk, Nebraska was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials aren't sure if the deer wandered in or whether the Walmart was built around it.''

3. ''Researchers have identified a gene linked to hair loss that could lead to new drugs to treat baldness. The drugs could replace the old cure for baldness-vintage convertibles.''

4. And finally, with no apologies: ''Lurch, a dog in Michigan was given the Pet's Best Friend award by a local American Red Cross chapter for donating blood over 20 times. Now, obviously Lurch can't talk but if he could, I think he would say ''Mmm, my balls are delicious.'' ''

So, we're caught up with Amy Poehler now. Any more requests? Because we deliver...No matter how long it takes, we deliver.

Say what's Awards For Best Humor Blogs: In Another News...We're Goin' To Disneyland!

2008-07-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

~ This is what our award looks like. Yours looks the same.

Okay, to date, we have only made two non-quote posts. Once to plug a guest post that Lucy did on LTE and once when we both tried to help spread the word to save a show we grew very fond of called Journeyman. Now, these posts...they pretty much never got hit on and almost nobody saw them. So, here's the thing. We have been involved in an ingenious plot from Amyoops.com. Our buddy, Crotchety, has received an Amy oops! award from a blogging buddy and the rules involve a pay it forward process. Our understanding is that he, in order to legitimately claim this award must award five other people and somewhere down the line Haley Joel Osment dies in a horrible knifing incident. No, we're kidding. He'll be fine.

Anyway, this is pretty smart because people like awards and they will likely participate to be able to fully appreciate said award in legitimate fashion. We are proud to state that we've received this award from Crotchety and will be legitimately winners after this post is published. So. in order to not make this our third unread, never hit upon non-quote page, we will instead quote the blogs we award, in full compliance with both stated award rules and additionally remain in compliance with Say what's ''keep it quote-full'' rules. Ha! We rule! Damn, we're smart. So the following are 3 humorous quotes from each of our 5 chosen blogs:

Okay, keeping in line with the rules, the credit must go to Amyoops.com for the award and picture. We got that down. She's mentioned. Secondly, we must mention the man that made this directly possible for us-Crotchety. He is at http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/. What can you expect at Crotchety's site? It declares: ''Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars: Baseball, television, political rants, cars, money, and general nonsensensical ponderings of my universe.''

JD will take this one, handing out our first award.

And Say what's winner of the Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Best rivalry with a famous weight loss pundit'' goes to... Crotchety from http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/.

JD's 3 quotes from Crotchety:

I am fascinated by Crotchety's everlasting obsession with Richard Simmons. I love it. Relax, it's a rivalry. He's not a fan. Here are some selected quotes from him on the subject:

1. Crotchety contemplate's catharsis:

''I began to make a list of some things I could do to release this anger:
1. Tear the tags off mattresses -- too cliché
2. Write a letter to my Congressperson --too Republican
3. Join a think tank group-- too Democratic
4. Make fun of Richard Simmons --too easy''

2. Crotchety presenting a Richard Simmons Birthday bash with some of his most awe-strikingly horrifying videos:

''Grab a piece of sweat resistant birthday cake, and watch a few minutes of some of the funniest video around.''

3. Lastly, Crotchety has a temporary change of heart?:

''I thought about that day for weeks. Maybe Richard Simmons wasn't such a tool. Perhaps he wasn't a slimy, money grubbing shill.''

Okay, Lucy will handle our second award now.

And the winner of Say what's Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Best WTF humor'' goes to... the Lazy Third Eye team at http://lazythirdeye.blogspot.com/

Lucy's 3 quotes from Lazy Third Eye:

1. In Jake The Flake's Top Ten Fun Facts...Keeping in mind they are geared towards the lesser-known. Number four:

''Milton Berle, of all the famous men in show business, is reputed to have had an infamously gigantic penis to put all the rest to shame. Apparently, everyone who knew him was aware of this endowment, especially since he wasn't known to be shy about pulling it out as a conversation piece.''

2. From Stream of Consciousness Eddie:

''My doctor said it seems I don't really have ADD after all. It turns out it's much more likely that I'm too rude to pay attention if I'm bored. Go figure.''

3. And from a post called ''Excerpts from the mystery novel, I Spy A Spy's Spy With A Spy's Eye'' that made JD laugh harder than I did for a change:

''Why, those weren't random queefs at all', thought Agent 00.2, in quite a queef-stricken state. Dear, God, they were purposeful, willful, intelligent in pattern, controlled and cunning! Why hadn't he realized that it was Russian but in Morse code?''

Okay, JD will take this next one.

And Say what's winner of the Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Most Humorous Serious Blog'' goes to... Jack Payne at http://legalthriller.blogspot.com/ where he does his best to accurately inform you about the current day's scams and how you can avoid them. Although the site is meant to be serious and a helpful resource, Jack still has an often funny way of getting his points across.

Among Jack's words of wisdom doled out during his helpful posts are:

1. ''Remember, you are not drunk if you pass out on the floor without hanging on.''

2. ''At times it seems reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.''

3. ''(Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.)''

JD & Lucy will take this one together.

And Say what's winner of the Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Best Purely Satirical News Stories'' goes to...Chris from The Lost News at http://www.thelostnews.com/.

JD & Lucy's 3 quotes:

1. In what is really a tribute to Tim Russert after his passing, the lost news credits his hard edged journalism with a satire piece of God being grilled by Russert on the suspicious nature of one of his creations:

'' “Would it come as a shock to you that we have reports from the Creation that say that the platypus was not an intentional creation, but a mish-mash of left over parts?”

“Wow, it is hot under these lights. Isn't it?” asked God clearly starting to sweat.''

2. Just in the headlines are captured all the satirically funny qualities and give us such great quotes as ''Opponent Of Gay Marriage Admits He Really Doesn't Have Anything Better To Do'', ''Local Anchorwoman Nails Segue From AIDS To Brangelina'', and ''New Restaurant 'BLTs R US' Hit Hard By Tomato Recall''.

3. And in another funny title, ''To Ease Energy Concerns, President Bush Calls For Offshore Oil Drilling And The Degreasing of Sha Na Na'', we have:

“With ordinary Americans hurting and my oil buddies already having houses at the beach and Aspen, it is time to bring these oil prices down,” said Bush. “And we can do that by finding new sources for oil, such as off our coasts and off Bowzer’s head.”

Unfortunately, if you laughed at that last one, you have now dated yourself as old. Join the club.

JD will take this last one because I haven't napped yet.

And Say what's winner of the Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Best Anecdotes'' goes to...(Cue the ominous music) Judge Jerry Buchmeyer at...The...OTHER...Say what?!. Yes, we found out there's another one out there. This one is real life courtroom and other legal humor as compiled by the real life Texas Judge. I love this site. Here are JD's 3 quotes from that other Say what?!:

1. ''Q. Has anyone led you to believe the governor will pardon you if you plead guilty?
A. Well, I haven't been home judge, but he might have called my mother.''

2. Asked of a witness in an automobile accident case:

''Q. How far were you from it when you hit it? ''

3. Lastly, the ultimate slacker witness:

''Q. What do you do for a living?
A. I help my brother.
Q. What does your brother do?
A. Nothing.''

We would like to congratulate our winners and thank our benefactors and the Academy. There will however be no gift baskets. Times are tight, fellow bloggers. Times are tight.

Future Technological & Culinary Advancements Supported By The Irish People

2008-07-13T18:46:00.000-07:00

Lucy's quotes:

~ Alexander Siddig on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

~ Actor/author Colm Meany known best from Star Trek: DS9.

As an unabashed Trekkie, I had realized a few months after we started this site that I've never found a funny Star Trek line or scene from any of the Star Trek series that quite fit with ''Say what?'' and its preferred type of quotes. So, now that I've come across one, I'll break Star Trek's painful absent streak. In an episode entitled ''Take Me Out To The Holosuite'' the crew of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine attempts to learn the ancient Earth game of Baseball. Attempting to make the setting as realistic as possible, Ireland's Chief O'Brien has one of many memorable scenes with his best friend, Doctor Bashir, as follows:

Siddig El Fadil/Alexander Siddig as Doctor Julian Bashir: What are you eating?

Colm Meany as Chief Miles Edward O'Brien: I'm not eating, I'm chewing.

Doctor Bashir: Chewing what?

Chief O'Brien: Gum. It's traditional. I've had the replicator create me some.

Doctor Bashir: They just chewed it?

Chief O'Brien: No, they infuse the gum with flavor.

Doctor Bashir: What did you infuse it with?

Chief O'Brien: Scotch.

Some of you familiar with ''Say what?'' might be noticing a pattern with me and the Irish peoples. Something slightly adversarial. It's friendly, though. I assure you that this is okay. I had a roommate who was Irish once, so, it's okay. I'm not Italian or anything either so you shouldn't be offended (Yes, I know of the fabled Irish/Italian American feud). Heck, I was even Irish in college briefly...as an experiment.

. . . Besides, this scene really wouldn't have been as funny if Chief O'Brien were English and flavored his gum with scotch. I mean, let's be honest...Heheheheh.

A PS from JD:

To all Irish readers of ''Say what?'': You should know that Lucy has a psychiatric disorder that makes her goad Irish people. Strangely, although she is not Italian, the doctors say that it's a genetic brain condition. It's important that you recognize that she is on medication for this but that the medication doesn't always work because it's a placebo (specifically a Lemonhead candy). This condition is exacerbated on days when her feud with her Irish neighbor, Mrs. O'Lorcan, gets ugly. Recently, after Lucy and Mrs. O'Lorcan tried to patch things up for the fourth of July picnic, old lady O'Lorcan implied that Lucy's cat was ugly because it has kind of a lazy eye. For some reason, this set her condition off again. It's kind of sad really. I mean, just because one old Irish lady rubs you the wrong way...oh well. Like I said, it's a condition. In defense of Mrs. O'Lorcan, the cat really does have a screwy eye that detracts from it's over all aesthetics. And, in further defense of Lucy, she really was Irish in college with a roommate so, we should all be friends here.

PPS: Lucy cannot see this message because people with her condition are incapable of seeing the color blue, so if you comment on this post, make sure not to mention this disclaimer. Thanks for your patience and understanding with this rare and incurable illness.

This disclaimer is paid for by the CADF- Celtica Agressiona Dementia Foundation. To Donate, call (555) 555-5555 extension 5555 and ask for Shamus or Colleen. We're very close to a cure with your help.

FSM (Fine Swedish Mechanics) Is Proud To Present...

2008-07-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

JD's Quotes:

The classic Naked Gun movies always make me laugh. Like the first one, the sequel is so full of sight gags that sometimes it's tough to catch all of the hilarious dialogue happening. The second movie, entitled The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear is a thoroughly Zuckers and Abrahams romp. It stars Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley, George Kennedy, Robert Goulet...and absolutely no one else that may or may not have gone completely batsh!t crazy afterwards (OJ Simpson-who we're pretending wasn't in the film)...Anyhow, among my favorite quotes includes:

1. Lieutenant Frank Drebin (Played by Leslie Nielsen): Like having sex. It's a painstaking, arduous task that seems to go on and on forever and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.

2. Robert Goulet as villain Quentin Hapsburg reveals that he is dating Frank's recent ex, Jane Spencer -played by Priscilla Presley. Frank getting adversarial:

Frank: Well, that's great. I've been dating too. Nice girl. An author. She wrote the book on male sexual dysfunction. You've probably read it.

Quentin: I beg your pardon!

Jane: Frank, please.

Frank: Oh, it's alright, I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely. Just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. poopy pants?!

3. Colleen Fitzpatrick aka singer Vitamin C plays the Lounge singer in the background of a restaurant filled with down-on-their-luck joes, singing the following lyrics:

I'm feelin' blue/just thinkin' of you
I get out of bed/wish I was dead
And I hope you do too

4.

Frank: Hector Savage, from Detroit. Hey, I remember this pug. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.

Ed Hocken (played by George Kennedy): Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.

Guy who wasn't in the movie: Hey, I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.

Frank: No, you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.

Ed: He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin?

That Guy: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember if it was North or South.

Frank: North. South Dakota was his brother, from West Virginia.

Ed: You sure know your boxing.

Frank: Well. All I know is never bet on the white guy.

5.

Frank: That's the red light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging out down there.
Ed: Sex, Frank?
Frank: ...Uh, no, not right now, Ed. Uh, we got work to do.

6. Frank and Ed are questioning an employee in a sex shop played by Gina Mastrogiacomo when another employee played by Jeff Wright enters the front of the store:

Employee/Gina: And why should I tell you, copper?

Frank: Because I'm the last line of defense between sleaze like this and the decent people in this town.

Other Employee/Jeff walking in: Oh, hi Frank. Say, we got that model D-83 Swedish, sure-grip suck machine in that you ordered.

7. In the final battle between good and evil, the villain talks to the hero, keeping him at gunpoint:

Quentin: That's as far as you go, Drebin. Any final requests, Lieutenant?
Frank: Yes. Can I have the gun?
Quentin: Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall for that one.

~Well,... it was almost diabolical.

Want to see quotes from the first Naked Gun movie? Go here: The Naked Gun: From the files of Police Squad!

Jesse Metcalfe (Backed By Straight Women Everywhere) Gives Fair Warning To Perez Hilton

2008-07-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

VS......

Lucy's quotes:

As some of you may know, celebrities typically HATE the king of celebrity gossip bloggers, none other than Perez Hilton. While doing a segment on Perez and company, Headline News channel's Showbiz Tonight showed clips from Hilton's interview on his rocky relationship with celebrities in general. Hilton, spoke of it being okay that he gets sued and accosted, etc. Because, he dishes it out and he can take it. He mentions having been scorned by Nicole Richie, Tara Reid and Jesse Metcalfe. Knowing that he zeroed in on Jesse (aka John Rowland from Desperate Housewives) by trying to ''out'' him as a homosexual whether he was or not, I found his following quote gives me the giggles:

''I had Jesse Metcalfe say that he fantasized about killing me. Twice. He repeated it. As if I didn't hear him the first time.''

Well, it may have incriminated Jesse if it actually happened but at least the idea was funny. I laugh at your misfortune, Perez! Lesson for today? Straight women just don't like it when you try to out Jesse Metcalfe...It's not right, man. Now, if he wanted to do it himself, we've still got Clooney. It's cool, we're covered. It'd be rough, but we'd get by and accept it...Because we've still got Clooney, to reiterate.

Pest Control, How May I Help You? Scamboogahs?!!! Sir, I Think You'd Better Leave The House Until We Get There.

2008-07-06T02:08:00.000-07:00

Scamboogah:
Definition:
Noun
A shady, rotten, lowdown, jive-ass turkey.

JD's quotes:

Well, as some of you know, I'm an avid boxing fan. Of all the boxing books I've read, the most readable, no nonsense autobiography to me, was Smokin' Joe, The Autobiography (with Phil Berger). The story is, of course, of boxing great, Joe Frazier. A rare treat, this book was. Frazier has one odd writing quirk. Sometimes he uses hilariously outdated vocabulary as though he were still in the 70's. Using terms like jive and turkey in a way that, at times disoriented me as I thought I was reading the closed captioning on an episode of The Jeffersons. Oddest of all, was the every-other-page use of the word Scamboogah. Joe, born in Beaufort, South Carolina in 1944, grew up with this word and seems to use it whenever he really means S.O.B., or worse.

Caution: If you read this book, you might start using the word Scamboogah too.
This will cause people to look at you funny.

I can't tell you how much I enjoyed Joe's book. I was right in the ring with him. This is a great read about one of boxing's most relentless heavyweight punchers and world champions. The story takes you from Frazier's perplexing early nemesis, Buster Mathis (Senior) and an unusual injury he says may've helped his boxing career, then, all the way to his bitter rivalry with 3 TIME OPPONENT, Muhammad Ali and his retirement due to the physical tolls he'd suffered on the job. Though often sucking you into Frazier's mercilessly competitive mind, there is not a lack of its own humor. The quotes I found the funniest are as follows:

1. During Joe's childhood, he recalls an agricultural mystery:

''In the woods near our house grew a leafy plant. Momma and some of us children would scavenge for this plant, which in those days we called ''musk''. . . don't ask me why. We'd collect the plant and then dry it in the sun. The stuff would crumble and the scent of it would be so strong you could get high on it if you inhaled. This musk, which I figure now must've been tobacco or marijuana, was a cash crop for us.''

~ . . . I'd bet on marijuana, Joe. I'd bet on marijuana.

2. Joe (nicknamed Billy Boy) was like the song, a mannish boy. He reflects on his early onset of manhood:

''Well, he'd be a long time getting that money, a damn long time. And lucky for me these women had daughters. They would spot me in the truck and signal to me. So while Daddy went in the front door to ''get the money,'' twelve-year-old Billy Boy went in the back door and had fun with those sweet country girls.''

~Come to think of it, he may be more like the other song, Back Door Man. Put 'em both together and you've got a Back Door, Mannish Boy and a killer blues number.

3. Without this book, I probably never would've known about this unique piece of twentieth century weaponry:

''I remember one club where a woman showed up with what we called ''a ten-cent pistol.'' That's a jug full of Red Devil Lye, human piss, and honey. She had heard her husband was messing around on her, and when she saw the evidence that he was, she started unloading that ten-cent pistol---slinging the stuff in his direction. That place cleared out in a New York minute.''

4. Though Frazier didn't really seem to dislike Buster Mathis, who was in notoriously unathletic shape, he wasn't afraid to be blunt about anyone he ever met. Describing his amateur match with him:

''...Buster had worn his trunks damn near up to his titties...''
5. Oscar ''Ringo'' Bonavena, the short, colorful, barrel-chested, fast-living, Argentinean heavyweight slugger of the 70's is mentioned several times, having fought Joe twice. As a foreigner getting to know an American city, it was a special time for Ringo. Frazier was there to help:

''When I first met him, Bonavena acted like he did not know much English, but years later, when I'd run into him in Las Vegas, he knew enough Ingles to ask me: ''Where's the p*ssy, Frazier?'' ''

~For those who don't know, Bonavena met his fate at the Mustang Bridge Ranch-a famous cathouse in Reno, Nevada. Apparently he found what he was looking for.

6. Frazier mentioned one instance that made him feel as stupid as Ali tried to make him look during the pre-fight hype.

''First time he called me an Uncle Tom, I didn't even know what that was. I thought it was someone who peeped in windows.''

7. But, Joe, what did you think of Ali, really? Don't hold back.

''The sucker had fifty-seven varieties of bullsh!t - and he needed it all.''

Boxing fan or not, I hope you got a laugh. . . I bet most of you are just now learning the definition of scamboogah and ''ten-cent pistol''.

You're welcome. : )

For Boxing Fans: Check out our new blogging buddy's new boxing blog at Boxed Ears: The Wide World of Boxing. Chat about boxing on the comments section. News, future and past matches, etc. Boxed Ears did a great post on 1933's Max Baer VS Max Schmeling a few days ago worth checking out in particular at: http://boxedear.blogspot.com/2008/07/max-baer-vs-max-schmeling-look-back.html.

George Burns On The Likelihood That W. C. Fields Was Really An Alcoholic:

2008-06-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

JD's quotes:

~ One classy monologist, George Burns.

To me, one of the most likable entertainers to ever live was George Burns. The only problem I ever had with him was his irrational penchant for Al Jolson...very irrational. Anyway, I just finished the charming book that George wrote called 100 Years, 100 Stories. The book is George's look back on 100 fairly short show business stories that he had probably repeated to countless people. This is a perfect light reading excursion. I doubt any of the stories take up more than three pages but they're fun. Mr. Burns covers a lot of territory from Groucho Marx annoying George with his amazing stamina for telling the same joke over and over again, to clean sex talk via coffee euphemisms. Here are 10 quotes that I thought I'd share:

1. George on height and anatomy, engaging in frequent name dropping sessions, mentions:

''I never realized how short Dudley Moore was until I saw him dance with Dolly Parton. He looked like he had three heads.''

2. George reflects on his career life before his perfect comic cohort, Gracie Allen came along:

''Before I teamed up with Gracie, I was pretty bad. I had to change my name every week. I couldn't get a job with the same name twice.''

3. George on life's funny deformities:

''Now, Dolores was a pretty girl, except for one thing: she was very bowlegged. Every time she sat down, it looked as if somebody had stolen her cello.''

4. George on whether or not his dear friend and certainly one of my favorite comedic minds of all time- W. C. Fields- was really and truly all that serious a drinker:

''He always wore a specially made vest with pockets that held small bottles filled with martinis. I invited him over to have dinner with Gracie and me one night, and when he came into my bar I had the gin, vermouth, olives, and ice lined up for him. He went to the door, removed his vest, and hollered to his chauffeur, ''Clarence, my good man, you may take this vest. I'm getting my libations from another source.'' ''

5. George on fellow icon Carl Reiner's understanding of bald humor:

''One day, just before lunch, he came up to me a little worried and said, ''George, I'm in trouble. I'm supposed to speak at a luncheon today at the Sportsmen's Lodge, and I forgot my toupee. Can I borrow yours?''

''Of course, Carl, what are friends for?'' So he put on my toupee and left. When he returned I asked him, ''How did your speech go, Carl?''

''Your hair was a riot,'' he said.''

6. George on his unusual history of drug use:

''Now, at this concert some of the kids were smoking grass, so I thought I'd try it. I pulled out a handful of grass, pushed it into my cigar holder, and lit it. It was nothing. The fertilizer was murder!

7. George continuing on his history with drugs, after unwittingly being invited to an, ahem, chemically enhanced party:

''I was hardly in the door when one of the guests came up to me and said, ''George, have you got any junk on you?''

I said, ''No, I give it all to the Salvation Army.'' ''

8. George on his continuing evening at that same party, still supposedly oblivious:

''Later at dinner, this attractive young girl sitting next to me leaned over and said, ''George, do you ever use uppers?''

I said, ''What for? I've got my own teeth.'' ''

9. George on the claim that he still wasn't grasping the situation by the end of his evening:

''At the end of the meal, out came a bowl of white powder, surrounded by a lot of little silver spoons. Well, I like my coffee sweet, so I put in three or four spoonfuls. The next thing I knew, the host was showing me to the door.''

10. George on Gracie's appreciation for his lovemaking prowess:

''She said, ''George, I can't sleep. Make me laugh.'' So I made love to her, and she laughed.''

There you have it. Get a hold of a copy of George's book for the full stories, you won't regret it.

Today's post is brought to you by:

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*No caffeine
*No stimulants at all!

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The Truth About Bear Feces, Porcupine Recipes & The North Korean Scrabble Tournament

2008-06-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

Lucy's Quotes:

~ Comedy icon, Dana Carvey.

One of SNL's most successful stars, Dana Carvey, just came out with another HBO special called Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies, performed at the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa, California. Dana's still got it and trots out all the old standby impersonations to the delight of the crowd and touches on his standard fare with lots of current political talk (Mixed with old political icons). Dana's musings cover everyone from Deepak Chopra to Dick Cheney, including the following:

1. In my favorite bit of the special, Dana ponders the mind behind the CBS program, 60 Minutes and its famous segment A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney. Dana muses that Andy must have had some ideas that he wouldn't be able to express on network television.

Dana doing his hilarious impression of the 89-year-old thinker:

''Why does the expression ''Does a bear sh!t in the woods'' substitute for the word 'yes'? You say to your friend, 'Do you go to the store?' and instead of saying 'yes', they'll say 'Does a bear sh!t in the woods?'. Bears don't only sh!t in woods. Polar bears might sh!t on ice or in water. An overworked circus bear might sh!t his pants while riding a unicycle . . . 'Cause, how would an overworked circus bear know when to go to the bathroom? He wouldn't have opposing thumbs to get off his little tuxedo. His handler would be out having a cigarette with the clown . . . These are things I think of in the night. People ask me, ''Andy, do you hear voices in your head?'' and I always say 'Does a bear sh!t in the woods?'.''

2. Dana over the years has enjoyed Al Gore's often awkward personality in front of the cameras. His own impression of Al has gone from mechanical to, well...:

Dana on Al Gore's newest public persona:
''I love Al Gore, but when did he start sounding like a gay Forrest Gump?''

3. Dana talking about President Bush's intense discourse with Kim Jong-il about ending their nuclear weapon's program once upon a time:

Dana as Kimmy: Mr. Bush, North Korea going to stand down on our nuclear program. We are not going to continue if you end your sanctions against our country.
Dana as ''W'': Let me tell you something right now. Fool me twice, once on shame. Fool me again and twice and once.
Dana as Kimmy: What the f*ck kind of English is that? You got three adjectives in a row, two pronouns back to back and a dangling participle!
Dana as ''W'': I'm rubber, you're glue . . . Scooby-doo.
Dana as Kimmy: Jesus Christ, English my fifth language. I could still kick your ass at Scrabble.

4. Dana as that loveable little Texas bajillionaire, Ross Perot: ''You can't put a porcupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect to make licorice.''

*This isn't the first time Dana has uttered this phrase while imitating Ross Perot's colorful countryisms.

5. Dana did a long spiel involving former president Ronald Reagan mapping out the future of politics after his own administration.

Dana as George H.W. Bush speaking of George W. Bush to Ronald Reagan:

''Well, not the crunchiest chip in the bag there.''

6. Dana as Reagan talking to Senator John Kerry: No, you can't be president.

Dana as Kerry: Why not?
Dana as Reagan: Because you look like Herman Munster. Your face is 19% longer than anatomically thought possible. Now get the f*ck out.

7. And, lastly:

Dana as Reagan talking about who would be president after ''W'':

''Well, we won't know till we know. That's all I'll tell you. But I've got my eye on a nice African-American gentleman from Illinois- Wonderful speaker, kind of looks like a cross between the Mad magazine guy and Urkel.''

Well, I don't know about you but if Obama gets elected, that's pretty much all I'll see when I look at him for the next few years, thanks to Dana.

Today's post is brought to you by:

*No ephedra
*No caffeine
*No stimulants at all!

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Who would win in a fight betweeen...? (Stallone's Boxing Quotes)

2008-06-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

JD's quotes:

VS (Not Actual Size)

Sylvester ''Rocky'' Stallone---------------------- ''Smokin' Joe'' Frazier

Although I am not now, nor will I ever be a fan of pro wrestling, I usually find the people involved are nice and charismatic in real life. The WWE website has an often amusing segment that they do called Superstar to Superstar where they have a wrestling superstar interview a celebrity superstar of whatever other kind. These interviews include Mr. Kennedy interviewing Psych's James Roday and John Cena with Snoop doggy dog. Reading about my favorite sport-boxing, I stumbled across an amusing anecdote that other boxing fans will likely enjoy. Professional wrestler Montel Vontavious Porter, aka MVP, interviewed Sylvester Stallone in this edition as Stallone made the rounds promoting the fourth Rambo installment. Stallone is a longtime boxing fan, hence the Rocky franchise that he personally created. Well, MVP and Stallone eventually hit on the subject of actors VS real life athletes. Stallone couldn't resist mentioning an experiment he had done and he humbled himself by stating the following:

''I learned my lesson. You think that you play the role long enough, and you assume, “Oh, I can compete with a professional.” Well, I had that scenario set up. In Rocky III I decided I was going to use a professional athlete – this is before Mr. T came along.''

Stallone thought he would try out real boxers in a light sparring session. With whom did he choose to step into the ring?

''The first fellow I brought in the ring, I brought in Joe Frazier. Joe Frazier got in the ring, and I’ll never forget, he was wearing a green suit, he just took his shirt off – he was wearing his street pants, his street shoes – put on the gloves and again, within less than 30 seconds, he came across the ring and cracked me. He gave me four stitches over one eye. I was looking at the lights, I couldn’t believe it. My fantasy was completely destroyed that you can last more than however long it takes a professional athlete to actually get to you, that’s how long you last in the ring.''

Any boxing fan would note that Joe was one of the harder punchers of his time-arguably the most competitive time in heavyweight boxing history. Good move, Sly.

Having been quickly hurt by Frazier, who was likely pulling his punches as a courtesy, Stallone then goes on to pick a lesser-known boxing icon. Better safe than sorry, right?

''The next guy who came in – and this was idiotic on my behalf – was a fellow named Ernie Shavers. Ernie Shavers was sitting in the dressing room, and I saw him taping his hands, and he has a very high voice, and he goes, “Thank you, Mr. Stallone, for this opportunity. We’ll get in there and spar a little bit.” He was very cordial, and he had this really high voice. But I watched him tape his hands with air conditioning duct tape, and I’m going, “Oh my God.” So he gets in the ring, and I’ll never forget this, he hits me on the shoulder so hard that I capsize, go against the ropes, fall down to the ground, and I started to almost laugh hysterically, like when you hit your shin against a pipe. I never felt … I said, “Was there something in your glove?” Then his manager pulls me aside, and said, “Seriously, they don’t know how to pull their punches.” I said, “But he’s not even trying hard!” He said, “Oh, we have trouble in the gym because he actually breaks guys’ jaws off the hinges, that’s how hard he hits.” So I said, “He’s out.” ''

For the life of me, I can't understand why a boxing fan would try to avoid danger by going from Frazier to Shavers. For you non-boxing fans, understand, this is hilarious. While Frazier was one of the harder punchers of his time, the albeit, less successful Shavers is known to most serious fans as being potentially the hardest puncher EVER. I laughed while I cried real tears reading this interview and I don't laugh out loud or cry very easily. Poor, poor, pitiful Sly, thought he was safer but he could have died.

Stallone, not giving up on using a real athlete, decided to go for a lighter weight fighter, which is good. What wasn't good is that it was Roberto- Freaking- ''Hand of Stone''- Duran! This guy officially knocked out 70 professional opponents. Oh, and did I happen to mention his nickname was ''HAND OF STONE''?

Stallone on sparring with old stone hands:

''And then I tried one more time, and I got in the ring with Roberto Duran. He stood in one spot, to prove a point, and every time I threw a punch, he would slip and bang me, and bang me, to the body, that the next day my arms were green and purple. I looked like bad cheese.''

Interviewer, MVP, observes: ''You picked three of the hardest hitters in the history of boxing.''

Question: So, what happens when movie athletes fight real athletes?
Answer: They end up looking like bad cheese...

We all know who ended up in the film but let's hear it. Stallone's final decision?

Stallone on the final result of the real fighter experiment: ''So I got a pansy like Mr. T. (Laughs) He was a vacation compared to this. ''

Astonishingly, what does he do for the fifth Rocky, years later? He gets deadly puncher Tommy Morrison to play the ''bad guy''. Some people never learn.

Read the full original interview here:

Part 1: WWE: Inside WWE > Superstar to Superstar > Interviews > MVP & Sylvester Stallone: Superstar to Superstar
Part 2:WWE: Inside WWE > Superstar to Superstar > Interviews > MVP & Sylvester Stallone, part two: Superstar to Superstar

The Lesser-Known of Russian Drinking Games: Harry Truman's Point Of View

2008-05-29T10:46:00.001-07:00

~ Above is former president, Harry S. Truman playing piano with comedy icon, Jack Benny.

JD'S Quotes:

You may love him, hate him or not know one iota about him but Harry S. Truman was unique among his co-workers. He seemed to have this absurd habit for a politician to have-telling the truth. In the book Give 'em hell, Harry!, Mark Goodman presents former president, Truman, in his own words. Why that title? Well, people being aware of Truman's often disagreeable attitude toward the serious Bull-Sh!tters, both political and otherwise, would shout ''Give 'em hell, Harry!''. Old Harry said about this, ''I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it is hell.'' The book is full of quotes giving you insight into Mr. Truman's mind. Among my favorite quotes in the book, the humorous side as always (I hope):

1. Harry, being the definitive straight-shooter, was approached in 1944 about becoming Vice-Presidential candidate. When told that the beloved F. D. R. would endorse him for the nomination, Truman didn't exactly gush with this response:

''Tell him to go to hell. I'm for Jimmy Byrnes.''

2. Truman on his disgust for political wordplay in one of his memoranda while at the White House (shortly before Christmas of 1947):

''I have appointed a Secretary of Semantics-a most important post. He is to furnish me forty to fifty dollar words. Tell me how to say yes and no in the same sentence without a contradiction. He is to tell me the combination of words that will put me against inflation in San Francisco and for it in New York. He is to show me how to keep silent-and say everything. You can very well see how he can save me an immense amount of worry.''

3. Truman on the beautiful career that might've have been:

''If I hadn't been President of the United States, I probably would have ended up a piano player in a bawdy house.''

*Possible fact to consider: It's possible, had it not been for politics, Bill Clinton would have been a saxophone player in a ''bawdy house''...For you modern folks, a bawdy house is a cathouse, by the way...for you completely modern folks, that's a house of prostitution...I just wanted to clarify for kicks and giggles.

4. Truman-era republicans did not tend to get into the good graces of the country's head democrat. Truman, among other things had said (1945):

''When I hear Republicans say I'm doing all right, I know damned well I'm wrong.''

5. Also in 1952, Truman said, generally speaking:

''The Republicans have General Motors and General Electric and General Foods and General MacArthur and General Martin and General Wedemeyer. And they have their own five-star general running for President . . . I want to say to you that every general I know is on this list except general welfare, and general welfare is in with the corporals and privates in the Democratic Party.''

6. A certain on-again, off-again relationship included Truman's statement that:

''The real trouble with Adlai Stevenson . . . the real damn trouble is, he's no better than a regular sissy.''

Why, I do think Mr. Truman just called that man an irregular sissy, if I'm not mistaken.

7. At a time when much of the country worried about John F. Kennedy's Catholic religious affiliation, Mr. Truman worried about John's father, the Machiavellian old goat himself, Joseph Kennedy, Sr. Mr. Truman mentioned his hesitation over JFK's presidential future by stating:

''It's not the Pope who worries me, it's the Pop.''

8. On October 10, 1960, the Associated Press quoted Mr. Truman speaking of potentially electing Richard Nixon for president and Henry Cabot Lodge, Jr. for vice president. They quoted him as saying that anyone who voted for Nixon and Lodge ''Ought to go to hell.'' and that ''Nixon never told the truth in his life.''

Also, prophetically speaking about Nixon, on October 30, 1960:

''You don't set a fox to watching the chickens just because he has a lot of experience in the henhouse.''

I wonder if it felt good to be proven so right, a few years later.

9. To explain the namesake of this post's title:

Among Mr. Truman's personal favorite anecdotes was the tale of Joseph Stalin, giving a dinner at the Potsdam Conference. He remarks:

''All the Russians were drinking a lot of vodka. Stalin kept pouring all night from a special bottle he had in front of him and drinking one drink after another. Finally I asked if I could taste what he had in that bottle. You know, it was nothing but a light French wine?''

~ I've read that this was a common tactic of Stalin's, to soberly watch his ''friends'' get fit-shaced until they spoke of something which they would ordinarily keep secret. Man, you gotta love calculating, paranoid psychopaths. Well, actually, I guess you don't but whatever.

10. Lastly, Truman on the best evidence of American Freedom (September 16, 1951):

''If people couldn't blow off steam they might explode. Half the fun of being a citizen in this country comes from complaining about the way we run our government-state, federal and local.''

If you're a fellow American; the next time you complain about your government and someone spits an asinine phrase out at you, like ''Love it or leave it.'', in misunderstanding of your complaints, it's okay to let them know that this would neither be much fun nor would it be in the tradition of President Harry S. Truman. They may not get the spirit of that statement anymore than they got the spirit of your complaints, but you might feel better.

What To Do When Your Child Wants To Know The Facts Of Life:

2008-05-26T22:47:00.001-07:00

Lucy's quotes:

~ Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen star in Knocked Up.

Knocked Up stars Katherine Heigl (Grey's Anatomy) as Allison Scott and Seth Rogen (The 40-Year-Old Virgin) as Ben Stone and is another reproductive romp-the category I find myself oddly obsessed with. Though the plot is about Allison and Ben's unplanned parenthood, one of my favorite scenes in the movie took the focus from the stars and gave it to Heigl's onscreen sister and niece. After Ben blurts out that he and Allison are going to have a baby to Allison's little niece at the breakfast table, the niece wants to get an education and her mother handles it like a pro.

Sadie (played by Maude Apatow): Where do babies come from?
Debbie (played by Leslie Mann-Apatow's real-life mother too): Where do you think they come from?
Sadie enthusiastically illustrating the procedure: Well, I think a stork, he um-he drops it down and then-and then a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere coming out of your head. And then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find a little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Playing Sadie's dad, Paul Rudd's facial expressions during this conversation cracked me up. He made me laugh throughout the movie. Gold star for Paul.

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Warning: ''Quantum Feminology & Complex Hyper Follicle Stimulation'' Was Not A Peer-Reviewed Study

2008-05-17T01:21:00.001-07:00

Lucy's quotes:

~ Alan Alda, best known for starring on hit dramedy M*A*S*H.

~ Albert Einstein, mostly famous for knowing physicist Erwin Schrödinger. The girls just went crazy for his rock and roll hair.

Although it seems like I've been placed on permanent Conan duty, I'm happy to post another one from Late Night With Conan O'Brien. Alan Alda stopped by to promote a play he wrote called Dear Albert, based off of Albert Einstein's real life letters to those closest to him. Mr. Alda is a great admirer of Einstein for his achievements in Quantum Feminology among other things. Alda speaks of Einstein's obvious sexuality by saying:

''I've thought about, um, writing a book called ''Einstein's favorite pickup lines.'' ''

Alda was inclined to further explain:

'' I mean, the man was a genius, you know? He-he slept with dozens of women just by saying ''You know, space is curved.'' ''

Let's face it, that space being curved line is tired these days but back then, it was probably quite suave. Sort of like ''Your pants are so shiny...'', etc.

Today's post is brought to you by:

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What is the proper etiquette for a public restroom?

2008-05-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

JD's quotes:

~ The man, Robert Duvall, in Western drama Open Range.

Robert Duvall has always been a favorite of mine and I always watch The Great Santini when it comes on. Duvall plays Marine fighter pilot Bull Meechum, a heavy drinking disciplinarian with a cocky attitude which continues to be detrimental to his career and home life. Meechum is also known as the Great Santini. Meechum's prankster behavior takes a turn for the awkward when he thinks he's going to spring a surprise attack on his old friend, Colonel Virgil Hedgepath (played by Paul Mantee). He thinks he's tracked him down in the restroom as he sits looking at the feet of a man in the adjacent stall. He pulls the man's legs out from under him, pulling him into his own stall, picking him up and dropping his head into the toilet bowl while yelling and laughing. Realizing that, in fact, he has attacked a stranger, he lets the man up and covers for himself with the following conversation:

Robert Duvall as Bull Meechum: You're probably wondering why I attacked you, right?

Bennett Liss as poor, wet-headed Corporal Atchley: Yes, sir.

Meechum: What's your name, Corporal?

Atchley: Atchley, sir.

Meechum: Atchley, do you realize that several Marines were killed by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor while taking craps?

Atchley: No, sir.

Meechum: A fighting man must be vigilant to surprise attack no matter where he is. The survival of our nation depends on the readiness of Marines all over the world. Also, and more important, you only wiped yourself twice. Grossly insufficient. Right now, germs with names you can't even pronounce are preparing to launch a devastating attack that will render you helpless in the defense of your country. Do you read me?!

Atchley: Yes, sir.

Meechum: Good. Now, I'm Jones. Colonel John J. Jones. I'm only here for the day. I fly around the country testing the readiness of troops for combat. This is a strictly confidential test, classified top secret. Tell no one, Atchley. And if you ever attack a senior officer again, I'll have you court-martialed.

Atchley: But, you attacked me, sir.

Meechum: Dismissed!

So, the lesson for today is: When you attack a perfect stranger in the men's restroom by accident, you should definitely lie your ass off about why. Thank's, Mr. Duvall, for the demonstration, sir.

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Say what?

2008-05-12T03:44:00.000-07:00

Lucy's quote:

~ Katt Williams

On Late Night With Conan O'Brien, Katt Williams let go an off-the-cuff remark so perfect and so not right that it was wrong and right all at the same time. Okay, I can't describe it so I'll just tell you what it was.

Katt Williams reflects on his romantic history in relation to his height:

''I think short guys make better lovers, just 'cause once we get on, we don't want to get off.''

Hmm...we'll all have to think about that one for a while. Most likely, we won't be able to not think about it.

Today's post is brought to you by:

The Chromium-Diabetes connection: Do you know about GTF?

It Could Almost Be Real News From Georgia

2008-05-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

Lucy's quote:

~ Jimmy Fallon getting authoritative on SNL's Weekend Update.

Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update has been featured on many posts at Say what? and as you all know, I plan to do many more in the future. It's my thing. Also, I'm somewhat obsessed with Jimmy Fallon, another one of my things. I love Jimmy Fallon so much I sat through Taxi all the way to the credits. Yeah, I know, that's dedication. If I weren't so lazy I'd go into full stalker mode too. Oh yeah, I would. Anyway, here's another great quote from SNL's most adorable anchor ever.

Jimmy Fallon as Weekend Update anchorman Jimmy Fallon:

''This week, Georgia's board of education approved the plan that allows teachers to keep using the word ''evolution'' when teaching biology. Though, as a comprise, dinosaurs are now called ''Jesus horses''.''

As my title implied, if I heard this on a real news broadcast...I doubt it would surprise me much. I can almost see president Bush now, addressing that issue at a speech squinting up at a podium all smug-like going ''Hey, heh, why not call 'em Jesus horses? I mean, that's what they were, right? Science can't disprove it so it's obviously a valid theory, heh.''... He means well. That's the important thing.

PS: Great, big, ecstatic praise and congratulations to Jimmy Fallon on the official or unofficial plans to take over for Conan O'Brien on Late Night when Conan takes over for Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. My sources going through Jimmy's garbage cans for me say it's true, so, you know.

Today's post is brought to you by:

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The Penile Quote

2008-05-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

JD's quotes:

Before:
After!:

Well, it's time for another post on things real doctors have actually said. Dr. Robert H. Stubbs was interviewed by journalist Amy Brown-Bowers of the National Post on Canada.com. Dr. Stubbs shows his sense of humor about specializing in-and I'm serious when I say this-genital cosmetic surgery...Particularly,...the dorkus. Yep, he is the man to see for dorkus enlargement. Dr. Stubbs is quoted in the following parts of the interview:

Dr. Stubbs on going to China to study with another doctor about the fine art of penile enhancement:

''I didn't want to be the penis enlargement guy. The fact that my surname was Stubbs and I'd been to China to see Dr. Long do his thing....''

Dr. Stubbs on why he is one of few specialists in the dorkus enhancement arena:

''Penises are attached to men and men can be violent if they don't get their wildest dreams fulfilled.''

Dr. Stubbs on one of his most unlikely clients:

''It was small but you know again, what does a priest do with his penis?''
~ Rarely anything positive, Doc...rarely anything positive.

Dr. Stubbs on the beauty of anatomical economics:

''Oh I've had guys on welfare and my question to them is, "Why do you want to spend this money when maybe you should be going to community college, getting a skill, earning a living?" And they said, "Well, when it comes to my penis I've got money." So obviously people save for different things.''

Dr. Stubbs on male psychology:

''They want to be the biggest in the world. No big size is too big. If I could make their penis touch the ground they'd want me to make it drag on the ground.'' (He can't, by the way. I checked. It must be all the money that goes into cancer research and other non-penile related medicine. When will science just focus on what matters, right?)

''We're operating on them with their eyes open [and] they're hearing everything. We're all trained not to say "Whoops!" if something drops. Or, "Quick put it back on before they notice." And, you know, we all sort of enjoy it and the patients become part of the Monty Python extravaganza.''

I think most people, whenever contemplating elective surgery, they just hope to get a Monty Python scenario in the OR.

Read the full article here: Long teaches Stubbs to do penis enlargement -- no joke

JD, you may say,...is this really, really for real? Of course, it is. Don't you think I checked on this? See the very real Dr. Robert Stubbs here for proof: Dr. Robert H. Stubbs - Cosmetic Plastic Surgeon Still not sure? There are ''before'' and ''after'' galleries on this site...I swear...Really. They've traumatized me for life but yes, they're real pictures. Hey, do you think this is the Dr. Robert The Beatles sang about? Nah!

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Then Norm showed up...:The Best Norm MacDonald Quotes From Real Life

2008-04-28T01:07:00.002-07:00

JD's quotes:

~ Will Ferrell on the left as Alex Trebek and Norm MacDonald on the right as the 1970's version of Burt Reynolds in Saturday Night Live's classic parody of celebrity Jeopardy. (Lucy's not the only one that watches SNL)

Norm MacDonald remains one of the highest ranking Canadian smartasses of the World. He is ranked at three in case you had wondered. He was number one for a while but nobody can stay number one forever. He holds a belt in some divisions. Norm has this special delivery where he acts aloof while stuttering and slurring through various ramblings. All the while, he maintains a twinkle in his eye that lets you know he's baiting you into his shtick. Often, the result is an anti-punchline. Norm is also easily one of the greatest talk show guests alive. That's why, I have assembled some of the quote highlights of Norm MacDonald's talk show appearances. If you want to get technical, one bit comes from a game show, another is just Norm as a guest speaker, and another is as host of an awards show, but technical schmechnical. Here they are, stretching through Norm's obsession with OJ Simpson, the gay community and a certain word pertaining to the male anatomy:

1. Norm and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?:
Norm appeared as a celebrity guest contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? for charity and was asked the following question by Regis Philbin:

What Broadway musical features material written by Samuel Beckett and John Lennon?

A: Hair

B: Godspell

C: Cabaret

D: Oh! Calcutta!

Norm says:

''Well, I uh, I'm not gay so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.''

~There was some nervous laughter and one woman audibly shouted ''Oh, my God!''

2. Norm and The View:

Norm on an early, nice appearance on ''The biggest catastrophe television has ever seen'' aka The View:
Norm to Meredith Vieira (Alluding to God knows what kind of story from before he walked on stage): But let me tell you somethin' else. I would have sex with you while you were awake.
Later on the same episode of The View:
Meredith to Norm: You've admitted that you're lazy. I think you've read six books in your life.

Norm: I've read six.

Meredith: Six. What kind of a woman would be attracted to you, do you think?

Norm: ... Well I have a lot of money.

Keep in mind, as snarky as Meredith's question sounds, this was the appearance Norm made when he was still in the good graces of the rabid chickens of The View.

3. Norm and tomgreen.com:

Norm after a separate and much rougher appearance on The View, appeared on Tom Green's tomgreen.com and talked about the talk show nightmare:

''So, I go to The View and th-those four bags are sittin' there.''

''And then, uh, Barbara Walters goes ''You're w-y-y-You're walkin' a pretty thin line, mister.'' ''

''I remember she kept going like ''You're one piece of work, mister.''

''And, uh, Barbara Walters goes ''What the hell are you doing?!!''

4. Norm and Politically Incorrect

Norm on Politically Incorrect (hosted by Bill Maher):

''I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's-I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.''

5. Norm and Late Night With Conan O'Brien:

Norm in appearances on Late Night With Conan O'Brien:

Talking about his appearance on MTV Beach House: Yeah, and then I had to come back on, they're like ''Uhh, Mr. Homophobic, eh, won't-won't let a guy grind his ass into you.''.

''There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.''

Telling an anecdote about getting drunk and having someone he had just met enrolling him in rehab:

'' They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?''

On another Conan appearance while Andy Richter was still Conan's sidekick:

Norm: I was talking to Andy before the show, and apparently I made a mistake one time on the show, where I intimated that maybe Andy was into gay porno. You remember that? Wh-which he was not-which he's not into. And I never meant to intimate that he was gay, in any way. Just that he had an obsession with watching gay porno.

6. Norm and The Late Show with David Letterman:

Norm talks history with Dave: ''You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.''

Norm discusses the finer points of cinema with Dave: ''Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.''

''Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I-... I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.''

7. Norm and Dennis Miller Live:

Norm moments from several episodes of old HBO favorite Dennis Miller Live:

Dennis Miller: Do you think advertising brings kids to smoking? You know, they have a lot of fight with the Joe Camel thing. Do you think they really-

Norm with the classic stammer: Yeah, they go-no, yeah definitely, they gotta-because the thing is this: The advertisers, they gotta go after kids, because they're not gonna get adults. Like, there's not gonna be a fifty-year-old guy going ''Hey, I should start smokin'! That Goddamn Camel,... look at him!'' They're gonna get little children.

Dennis: Joe Camel.

Norm: Yeah

Dennis: It's a frightening looking beast.

Norm: 'Cause he looks like a c*ck!

Norm on another episode of Dennis Miller Live about Viagra's first celebrity endorser:

''You don't wanna hear about Bob Dole's c*ck. You know?''

''But mostly, an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a super hard c*ck.''

Norm on another performance of Dennis Miller Live talking about dating and his exchanges with women:

''Yeah, I say ''Hey, how 'bout you and me f**k'' and then they go ''Nooo.''...and then they go '' How 'bout we have dinner?'' and I go ''I don't like dinner, you don't like f**ckin'. '' ''

Norm nearly makes it through the interview without his favorite word when he begins talking about seeing an old couple at a gay pride parade with a sign reading ''We are proud of our gay son.''. After explaining that he thought that was a weird thing to be proud of because it's not ''like an achievement'', he launches this barrage:

Norm: I had a hard time believing that these fifty, sixty-year-old men are actually bragging, you know, at work. Like there ''Hey, uh, Bill, you know, uh, my kid, oh my God, we're proud of him- Johnny. He, uh, uh, graduated from Harvard, you know, the first in his class. You know what I mean? I-I and now he's articling over at a law firm and uh-Oh yeah, he loves c*ck!...This kid...He can't get enough c*ck, in his mouth, his ass. This kid's always c*ck! ...I got a- I got a picture of the boy here suckin' another man's c*ck. I want to show it to ya.''

Dennis: To watch the maturation of you as an artist. To realize, it took you nine and a half minutes to get around to the suckin' c*ck stuff. It's beautiful to see you, comfortable in your own skin Normie.

8. Norm and The O'Reilly Factor:

Norm doing John McCain a favor (?) on Bill O'Reilly's The O'Reilly Factor:

''Yeah, I love John McCain. He's, uh, he was my favorite, uh, eight years ago. Um, but even eight years ago, he was the old guy back then.''

Norm sort of complimenting Hillary Clinton's campaign makeover:

''She looks to me, much more lifelike... And, uh, and also ladylike. She seems like a-she almost seems like a live lady now.''

9. Norm and the White House:

Norm speaking at the White House Correspondence Dinner while Bill Clinton was still president:

''And of course, there was important, uh, Washington figures who couldn't be here tonight. Uh, Vice President Al Gore is not here. Unfortunately, he uh, he broke down and they had to leave him in the shop overnight.''

''And of course, it was very inspiring to see President Clinton up here on crutches making a speech. I mean, I thought that was just, uh, amazing. You know? Uh, I mean, it's been difficult for the president, you know? He can't jog now, and, uh, he needs help getting around. And he still, you know he still, uh, occasionally suffers great pain, you know? On the upside, you got your medical marijuana. So that's, uh,... y'know?... (audience laughter) ... You MUST inhale sir. It's the only way you're gonna get better.''

10. Norm and ESPN:

Norm hosted ESPN's ESPY awards in the late nineties and was very much in character:

Norm on the winter Olympics:

''I was watchin' last night, I saw, speed, uh, speed skating. And, uh, my goodness, you know? Could the outfits they wear be any tighter? Holy Lord! There was an East German woman, I swear, you could see the outline of her entire penis.''

Received with partly positive and partly negative feedback from the audience, he also said:

''And there's Charles Woodson! How about that, uh? What a season he had. Great, man, he- he became the first defensive player to win the Heisman trophy. And congratulations Charles. That is something that no one can ever take away from you. Unless you kill your wife and waiter, in which case ...all bets are off.''
...Norm may have been referencing OJ Simpson's past...possibly...who knows?

11. Norm and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Norm on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno with a mustache and a distinctly conservative version of himself doing a classic rant on drugs:

''I remember when pot, was something you cooked your eggs in.''

''I remember-I-I remember when hash, was something you -you made out of corned beef.''

''I remember-I remember when-I remember when acid, was something ya-ya threw in a guy's face when he made a pass at your wife.''

''I remember-I remember ecstasy when it was-when it was just the feeling you had, when you threw that vial of acid in the guy's face.''

12. Norm and Howard Stern:

From Howard TV on demand: After Norm introduces Artie Lange to Howard Stern for the first time, Howard takes more of an interest in Artie than Norm-the original guest. Artie tells Howard tales of being put in jail and Howard is intrigued by Artie's getting ''searched'' intensely there. Norm had been quiet for too long to hold back and had to interrupt Artie's story, working in his favorite word:

Artie: Yeah, yeah, they check you with a glove. Yeah the glove-

Norm chiming in finally:

''And, with like a fellow prisoner's c*ck.''

That's it...and, really...why shouldn't a Norm MacDonald quote page end with a c*ck quote?...Think about it.

Bernard Hopkins has an unusual complaint

2008-04-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

JD's quotes:

After Bernard ''The Executioner'' Hopkins ensured a thoroughly awkward fight with Joe Calzaghe, he managed to have one of the best post fight interviews in recent memory with Max Kellerman. By the way, I take back every unkind thing I may have ever said about Max. He's grown on me since he stepped into HBO Boxing. Before the fight, Hopkins made a small fuss at the Ricky Hatton/Floyd Mayweather weigh-in, by telling Joe Calzaghe in front of the cameras:

''I would never let a white boy beat me.''
and ''I would never lose to a white person.''

Of course, thanks to Calzaghe's work rate and Bernard's unwillingness to be the aggressor with a fighter who clearly wasn't able to hurt him, Bernard did in fact lose to a white person and a white boy at the same time. Bernard was a great actor as he-in my opinion- doubled over in pain after a slightly low blow, attempting to get the ref to take a point from Calzaghe. After the fight ended, Max Kellerman became the man of the hour by questioning the damage done by Calzaghe's low blow.

Max:

''Okay, um, the world also saw a punch that did not seem to land in a debilitating spot. You reacted as though it did. The crowd seemed not to believe it. You're looking at me incredulously. Here it is. Let's look at it here. And describe what you see-and what you felt at the time.''

(They roll the tape of the low blow after Calzaghe's Welsh fans cheer Kellerman's line of questioning)

Hopkins:

''Right there. Right there.''

Max:

''Yeah, but right there looks just below the belt.''

Hopkins:

''Right here, where this sign is at. Right here. Right on this patch here. That's my crotch (Hopkins technically says ''Crouch'' but we know what he means). I mean, I ain't gonna ask you to feel it but it's right there...(Kellerman laughs and Hopkins smirks) I mean, you pointed it out. You set yourself up with it but, that's what he hit me-right there. And it sort of knocked my private outside my cup.''

I can honestly say, I've never heard that particular complaint after witnessing years of boxing fights and interviews. Watching Max Kellerman try to maintain a straight face with all of his might and professionalism after that comment and compliment Hopkins on a good fight was the perfect end to this interview. Max moved up a few notches in my book tonight. The poor guy didn't even know that having to touch Bernard's private crouch was a risk he'd have to take when signing on with HBO.

A Surefire Way To Get Male Celebrities To Work With You

2008-04-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

Lucy's quote:

~George Takei

In case anyone else wondered how the hell Sulu from Star Trek ended up as a recurring figure on The Howard Stern Show and working as Howard Stern's announcer, I've found the answer. Howard Stern knows the way to a man's heart. It was all in the first impression, you see. Sulu-aka George Takei relayed the story of his and Howard's first meeting to Conan O'Brien on Late Night With Conan O'Brien. George met Howard when he appeared on Howard's radio show as a guest. George describes the experience as follows:

George Takei to Conan O'Brien:

''Met this tall, skinny, wild-haired guy and I said, ''Good morning. How are you?'' and he said, ''Oh, you have a deep voice. Anyone with a voice that deep has ah-got to have a big dong.'' I said, ''Are we on the air?'' and that was my introduction to Howard Stern.''

That you see, is how you get any male celebrity to work with you in any circumstance. That's my theory anyway...

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Dear JD

2008-04-08T11:02:00.001-07:00

JD's quote:

Recently, I was handed a copy of one hilarious installment of the Dear Abby column and advised to read it. I must say...although I did not have any urge to read Dear Abby, I was pretty happy with what I read.

The question went exactly like this:

''Dear Abby: My wife is a pug nut. She has two ugly dogs, and she lets them sleep with us. The dogs snore and break wind all night, and she thinks it's cute. If I snore or break wind, she tells me it's annoying. She dresses these dogs in expensive gowns and pearls. Now she expects me to drive them 1,200 miles to our vacation home, while she flies. She also wants to buy a third dog. What do I do? _ No. 4 in New Jersey.''

Okay, allow me to cut off everything Abby said so I can answer. TESTICULAR IMPLANT, man. Get two of them and some divorce papers. Before that though, try feeding the dogs a few cans of beans topped with salsa. Then, when it's bedtime, leave the room and shut the door behind you. Then when you see your wife in the morning, ask her if she slept okay and if the dogs were just extra, extra cute with her during the night.

PS: You're in luck. Contrary to popular belief, there are actually women out there who aren't completely monkey-turd crazy. They do exist. Look for small clues like say, not putting jewelry and gowns on animals. Stuff like that. It's all about subtle clues. Other bad signs are bug eyes, always carrying glue in their purse, laughing at plants, drinks perfume, has a painting of Jesus next to a painting of Nixon and/or watches The View regularly. Good luck. I will be reading Dear Abby from now on, incidentally.

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-03-23T14:16:00.001-07:00

Lucy's quote:

Stand-up comic Mrs. Hughes during her act:

''I went to the doctor. He said ''You're going through the change of life''... change of life. Girls, remember when you went through puberty, they told you, you were becoming a woman? You go through the change of life, they don't tell you what you're becoming... I'm becoming my father.''

Don't know Mrs. Hughes? Check out her website here:

The Comedy of Mrs. Hughes

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Easter Quotes: The Comedians All Agree

2008-03-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

JD's quotes:

Well, it's almost Easter. The day comedians have been confused about for years. Here are just three examples in modern comic history:

~ Eddie Izzard: Actor, writer, comedian, tranny...Englishman, etc.

Eddie, from HBO special Dress To Kill:

''And then kids eat chocolate eggs, because the color of the chocolate and the color of the wood on the cross...Well, you tell me? It's got nothing to do with it, has it?

You have people going-'' 'member kids''- the kids are eating the chocolate eggs-they're going '' 'Member kids, Jesus died for your sins.''

''Yeah, I know, it's great.''
''No, no, no, it's bad, it's bad.''
''No, it's bad, it's very bad...it's terrible. Whatever you want. I mean, just keep giving me these eggs.''

And the bunny rabbits, where do they come into the crucifixion?''

Eddie Izzard is the sometime ''executive'' transvestite comedian and actor who plays on the comically and dramatically rich FX program The Riches, currently starting their second season.

~ Jim Gaffigan in his stand-up act:

Jim using his anonymous other voices on stage:

''Easter, that's a weird tradition.

Female voice: Easter, the day Jesus rose from the dead. What should we do?

Male voice: How 'bout eggs?!

Female voice: Well, w-what does that have to do with Jesus?

Male voice: Alright, we'll hide 'em.

Female voice: I don't...I don't follow your logic.

Male voice: Don't worry, there's a bunny.''

Jim is famous for a gag started for Late Night with Conan O'Brien where he had a cartoon made, with his own voice added, in which he and Conan are super heroes. Jim is portrayed as being the definition of masculinity and Conan as a feminine weakling. Pale Force, the name of the cartoon series, is a joke referring to his and Conan's uniquely pale skin. Unique even for two white guys without tans. That's pale...that's pale. See episodes of this cartoon at NBC.com, here: Conan O'Brien & Jim Gaffigan - Pale Force TV Show, Series - Episode Video Clips and Photos - NBC Official Site

~ Bill Hicks, controversial stand-up comedian:

Bill, from his stand-up routine:

''I was over in Australia, uh, during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note, they celebrate Easter the same way we do. Commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus, by telling our children, a Giant BUNNY RABBIT......left chocolate eggs in the night. Now,...I wonder why we're f**ked up as a race. Anybody? Anybody got any clues out there, or...? Where do you get this sh!t from, you know? Why those two things, you know?

Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer, you know? Long as we're makin' sh!t up, go hog wild, you know? At least a goldfish with a Lincoln log on it's back goin' across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it.

Childlike voice: Mummy, I woke up today and there was a Lincoln log in me sock drawer!...that's the story of Jesus.''

Bill Hicks is possibly even lesser known than Jim and Eddie. You may remember incidents involving this now deceased and often controversial comic. He once had his entire segment cut out of an episode of The Late Show with David Letterman and before his death there was intense debate among many as to whether or not comedian Denis Leary stole some of Bill's material. Some thought Denis had even lifted Bill's entire persona. Some argued that it was the other way around. Some didn't give a rat's rectum. Some didn't know either of them anyway.

And a very special, heartwarming Easter video just for you:

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Doctors In Court: The Untold Story Revealed

2008-03-15T15:16:00.001-07:00

(Cue the ominous music please): ...Ladies and Gentlemen,...I give you...the OTHER ''Say what''...

Okay, well, to be technical about it...We are ''Say what?'' and he is ''Say what?!''...so, not the same thing, really. That's a whole exclamation point's difference there, you see. Now that we've cleared that up, I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'd like to plug one of my favorite sites which I found a few months ago, while trying to do searches for our site. I'm adding it to our blogroll too.

Here's a little background so you understand the quotes. The site is run by U.S. District Judge Jerry Buchmeyer who posts real life courtroom quotations, as in from actual trials and depositions that turned funny. I love this site. It's a web log also. I encourage everybody to check it out for a laugh. Although it received no comments, my post from Doctor William Campbell Douglass received several hits, so I'm encouraged to continue with my ''quotes from doctors'' label. This is from real life courtroom material here, once again.

Source: April 2004 post entitled: Defining the Specialties:

''This excerpt from the recent deposition of a doctor comes from Richard E. Hanson of Wichita Falls (Oldham & Hanson).

Q. But when it comes to a surgeon, you’re kind of separate and distinct from all the other medical specialties; that is, you actually go in and perform surgical procedures on the human body; is that correct?

A. Well, it brings to my mind an old aphorism. Internists, which is kind of what, in part, you know, gastroenterology is, they know everything but they don’t do anything. Now, surgeons aren’t supposed to know anything, but they do it all. Now, pathologists know everything and do everything, but it’s all too late. ''

Source: February 2000 post entitled: Subjective Complaints:

''From Nancy Doherty of Dallas (U.S. District Clerk of the Northern District of Texas), these "actual, unedited notes written by doctors on patients' medical charts".

The patient has no past history of suicide.

The patient is numb from the toes down.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The patient's genitalia exam reveals that he is circus sized.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.

The patient, while in the ER, was examined, x-rated, and sent home.

The patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.''

Source: February 1997 post entitled: The Doctors Horn In:

''From Gerald B. Shifrin of Portland, Ore. - who "spent over 40 years practicing law on the Rio Grande in El Paso" - these excerpts from a newspaper story in The Oregonian showing "how the medical profession is trying to horn in on our humor." This is "actual dictation from actual doctors, as collected by medical transcriptionists."

''The patient injured her right fifth hand while playing basketball."

"SKIN: Somewhat pale but present."

"her children are 12, 10, and nine; husband is approximately the same age."

"Both the patient and the nurse reported passing flatus."

"Rectal examination revealed no masses but did show yellow shoes." ''

See more of these real courtroom moments at: http://www.texasbar.com/saywhat/weblog

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Confucius say ''She who can do cartwheel can do anything, damn it!''

2008-03-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

Lucy's quote:

~Parker Posey with new co-star Lauren Ambrose

Amy Sherman-Palladino's (Creator of Gilmore Girls) new show The Return of Jezebel James premiered today and immediately makes it onto Say what?. Not bad. The show stars Parker Posey playing successful book editor Sarah Thomkins and Lauren Ambrose (formerly Claire Fisher on HBO's Six Feet Under) playing her flaky little sister Coco Thomkins. Posey's character in the pilot episode realizes she wants a baby on a whim and is told by her doctor that it's impossible. Enter the following lines:

Sarah: Are you telling me I can't get pregnant?
Sarah's Doctor (Played by Amy Hill): Yes.
Sarah: No. I can get pregnant.
Doctor: Sarah!
Sarah: I can! Look. In high school, I really wanted to be a cheerleader, okay? But, I couldn't do a cartwheel. And to be a cheerleader, you had to do a cartwheel. So, one day, I went out into the backyard and I told myself ''I'm not going back in until I can do a cartwheel perfectly, both ways.''...I was back by dinner.
Doctor: This isn't a cartwheel.
Sarah: Cartwheels are hard.

To be continued...

Later on, Sarah consults her estranged little sister in order to ask her if she'll have a baby for her. Having not even bothered to mention why she'd ask, her sister freaks out. Sarah tells her the reason finally and when she does, we get this beautifully delayed punch line:

Sarah: I had the tests. I-The doctor said that I can't.
Coco: ...Did you tell him about the cartwheels?

PS: Who agrees with me that Buddy-the guy working with Sarah- bears a freakish similarity to George on Grey's Anatomy aka T. R. Knight? I checked, his name is Michael Arden and he's not T. R. Knight's little brother. Oh well.

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Jim Rome slams Nascar

2008-03-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

~ ''Hey baby, check out our beards.'' and other pick-up lines that failed miserably.

VS

JD's quote:

Twin actors Jason and Randy Sklar hosted a show on ESPN Classic called Cheap Seats. Cheap Seats was like the sports version of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. I prefer MST3K but I'm not knocking Cheap Seats. Radio and TV show host Jim Rome (Jim Rome is Burning, The Jim Rome Show) made a funny cameo to stick up for none other than the facially and follicley athletic Beard and Mustache Competitions and to slam Nascar. Check out this strictly Romecentric commentary:

Jim Rome on Cheap Seats:

''Been a lot of talk out there lately about the legitimacy of beard competitions. Is it, or is it not a sport? My answer is simple and it comes in a neat four-word package. ''SHUT UP, it is.'' It's way more of a sport than Nascar. Karl-Heinz Hille is more of an athlete than Greg Biffle will ever be. Karl-Heinz can drive. I'd like to see Danica Patrick grow a beard. Not happening. Do you know how many years it takes to groom the perfect goatee? And, put this way, there are only two on record. One belongs to Fernando Vina and you are looking at the other one. And I'm sure Fernando would agree, it takes years and skill to pull this off. Now, bump it up a notch and grow your beard into a check mark or triple handlebars and you're talking a lifetime of commitment. And on top of that, it's finally a sport that the Swedes can dominate. So the next time you step up to me with the question ''Is a beard competition a sport?'' You ask yourself, ''Why the hell are Mach 3 turbo refills so damn expensive?''. There is your answer. I'm out.''

PS: All the really cool kids say MST3K, in case you were wondering.

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She's a lumberjack and she's okay

2008-03-13T13:29:00.001-07:00

JD's quotes:

Going backwards, here's a post on Hot Shots!, the world's best movie parody of Top Gun!...How many can there be? I've already covered Hot Shots! Part Deux, it's backwards because they ran on TV that way. Not my fault. Click on the Charlie Sheen tag at the bottom for the other post. Here is my list of most memorable quotes from Hot Shots!:

1. Ramada (played by Valeria Golino): Lieutenant, you're staring.

Topper (played by Charlie Sheen): No, not-not really. I'm lost in your eyes. That is the whitest white part of the eye I've ever seen...Do you floss?

Ramada: You're very confident aren't you?

2. Lt. Commander James Block (played by Kevin Dunn): Topper Harley?

Topper: Once, perhaps. Now I am called Tukachinchilla.

Block: What does it mean?

Topper: Fluffy Bunnyfeet

3. Kent (played by Cary Elwes): Something's changed, hasn't it? It's not another woman is it? I just couldn't compete with that.

Ramada: No, of course you couldn't.

4. Ramada: I don't want to be alone...and by the way, I can go all night like a lumberjack.

5. Topper before a hilarious parody of 9 and a half weeks: So, I take it you've been with a man before.

Ramada: I'm a virgin, ...I'm just not very good at it.

6. Topper: My Uncle used to tell me that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure, she's a great piece of tail with a blouse full of goodies but it's just illegal.

Block: Jesus, Topper, come on.

Topper: Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who only play the banjo, eat apple sauce through a straw, pork farm animals.

Block: Topper, that's enough.

Topper: I think you get my point, sir.

An interesting or possibly uninteresting piece of information:

Fans of Two and a Half Men, starring Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer can see the two of them in a much earlier collaboration in Hot Shots! as not only is Charlie the star but Jon Cryer plays Jim 'Wash Out' Pfaffenbach along with him. Alright, so, maybe it wasn't completely interesting...sue me.

Check out a scene from Hot Shots! during ''Dead Meat'' Thompson's funeral...Funerals, definitely a breeding ground for laughs. This contains one of my favorite funny funerals...of which there are many. See Lloyd Bridges as Admiral Benson, who works in a Godfather parody during the eulogy and Heidi Swedberg as Dead Meat's wife. Seinfeld fans will recognize Heidi who played George Costanza's unfortunate fiance.

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MMM, Cheap Ethnic Women

2008-03-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

JD's quote:

Radio - talk about a beautiful place to gather quotes. Every host needs to fill time on talk radio and what comes out of their mouths is almost made for our site. Among the best are local radio guys. In the case of WNIR's Akron, Ohio talk radio host Howie Chizek, he's had about 300,000 people that have been tuning in, according to Wikipedia. Still, thankfully, Chizek gets away with almost anything he likes. Thankfully for me, that is. I love listening to Howie above all other local or national guys. Not only does he manage to often be inadvertently funny but he is also a financial adviser and expert on family values...or at least he plays one on the radio. He let go a good one yesterday and I thought I'd share it with you.

Howie Chizek:

''Women don't look at prices. The suburban American princesses, they don't look at prices. But uh, the ethnic women do. Like the Italians, they always look at prices. Good women!''

Howie, you are my radio version of Larry Merchant. Thanks for the laughs.

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Michael C. Hall recites Miami's new slogan for attracting tourists

2008-03-07T01:17:00.001-08:00

JD's quote:

~Michael C. Hall as Dexter

Not to be confused with:
~Dexter from popular cartoon Dexter's Laboratory

Michael C. Hall made a major impression with his acting chops on HBO's Six Feet Under and went on to an even more major impression with his character of Dexter Morgan on Showtime's disturbing drama Dexter. Dexter, based on the novel Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay, is easily one of the most disturbing series to be part of the mainstream. Luckily, it's not just disturbing but carries a high quality story, actors and week to week installments. Buffy the vampire slayer and Angel junkies will no doubt remember the character of Darla played by Julie Benz. Check out Dexter if you have the stomach for it, she's part of the main cast as Dexter's girlfriend Rita. Dexter may largely be about a psychopath but that's not to say it ain't funny on occasion too...of course it helps if you have my twisted sense of humor...probably, it's only funny then. ...Anyway, the show's set in Florida and Dexter has some thoughts about one of its nicest lil cities:

Michael C. Hall as Dexter:

''Everyone moves to Miami to die, which means we have more junk than any city in America.''

...Oh, come on, it's funny. Miami got owned there, you know it. Ownage is funny.

Lighten up, damn it.

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The mother of all Mother's Day quotes

2008-03-06T21:01:00.001-08:00

Lucy's quote:

~Tina Fey with 30 Rock co-star Tracy Morgan

Ninjitsu master Tina Fey does it for me again-a nausea inducing belly laugh on my favorite piece of weekend TV-SNL's Weekend Update. Catch Tina Fey and former Weekend Update cohort Amy Poehler on their new movie Baby Mama. Allow me to quote JD here. JD told me the stars of the movie make it ''the only way I'd ever watch a chick flick about reproductive hijinks''. That's a direct quote. I however will always watch a chick flick reproductive hijinks film. I can't get enough of them. The fact that Amy and Tina are the stars is just gravy. Read about Baby Mama here: Baby Mama Synopsis - Moviefone

* Fun fact: When I was nine, I embarked on a misguided attempt to get pregnant by pretending my pillow was David Cassidy. It's a long story and it didn't work but this personal historical detail may allow you to fully appreciate why I like movies about so-called reproductive hijinks.

Tina Fey on SNL's Weekend Update as Queen anchorperson:

''The FDA this week approved the first ever transdermal patch for the treatment of depression. Simply remove the backing and press the patch firmly over your mother's mouth.''

Take that mothers! I'm kidding mom...really.

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If this van's a rockin'...bring some Dramamine (An almost-sexy quote from Scrubs)

2008-03-05T20:36:00.001-08:00

Lucy's quotes:

Sarah Chalke used to be known mostly for playing Becky Conner on Roseanne, when Alicia ''Lecy'' Goranson wasn't available to do it. Now, Sarah is almost certainly better known as the highly neurotic Dr. Elliot Reid on NBC's Scrubs. While talking about her numerous phobias and quirks, she might be the funniest member of the cast. Here's an instance of her blurting out personal information:

Sarah Chalke as Elliot Reid:

''My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous... Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.''

Scrubs is reportedly slated to come back with a new episode April 10, 2008.

He's not a professor but I bet they wish he was (Humorous Historical Quotes)

2008-03-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

JD's quotes:

~ Victoria Woodhull, just one of the historical figures you should know but likely don't, mentioned in Robert Wuhl's second presentation.

~ Former president of the US Franklin Pierce. How great was this guy?...Robert Wuhl thinks he sucked.

~ Britney Spears, according to Robert Wuhl, she could be FAR more important to the benefit of society than Franklin Pierce.

~ Mr. Robert Wuhl, the man who wants you to be as amused by history as he is.

As covered previously, actor Robert Wuhl, formerly star of HBO comedy Arliss was teacher for a day in his college presentation Assume The Position. Well, he had so much fun and so many people appreciated this great presentation of history that he did Assume the position 201 with Mr. Wuhl. The second verse is the same as the first in that it is another humorous presentation assuming the position that history is pop culture. The results are an informed and amused audience both live and at home, yet again. Think Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in the same presidential race is a sign of the modern times? Mr. Wuhl will tell you all about Victoria Woodhull and Frederick Douglass. One of a growing number that thinks our current president is just the worst? Well, Mr. Wuhl tells you about some former presidents that would make you think twice. Here are some of the quotes from Mr. Wuhl's class:

From Wuhl's theory of presidential facial hair:

''Now, in my lifetime, there have been ten different presidents. Some good, some not so good. All of them clean shaven, and none of them could get rid of Castro. His secret? Facial hair!''

While making sure you aren't quick to deem current president George W. Bush as the worst president ever, Mr. Wuhl puts an extra special emphasis on Franklin Pierce. Included in his emphasizing are Pierce's opposing candidates Stephen Douglas and James Buchanan. Douglas was very short and Buchanan was the only American President who was a lifelong bachelor. Wuhl downplays Pierce's victory over these men with this statement:

''This is like beating Mini-Me and Lance Bass.''

Then continues to say:

''How bad was Franklin Pierce? To this day, he remains the only incumbent president in our history not to get his own party's nomination for a second term.''

''How does he respond? Pierce later gets drunk, gets on a horse and drives over a woman, becoming the first president with a DUI.''

Other honorable mentions in his list of lousy presidential terms are Calvin Coolidge, Millard Fillmore and Warren G. Harding. He also says this of John Tyler:

''How committed to the United States was this guy? When he's not re-elected, this motherf**ker switches sides!''

Wuhl on literature:

''...The Scarlet Letter, a love triangle about adultery. It's sort of the original Grey's Anatomy.''

Lastly, Mr. Wuhl on staying positive during America's current hard times:

''I'm an optimist, I really am. I'm a positive person. I always look at the bong as half full.''

When's our third installment Mr. Wuhl? We'll be waiting.

Kirk Cameron's Wide World of Thought

2008-03-02T14:45:00.000-08:00

JD's quotes:

VS

~Two men enter, one man leaves. Tickets go on sale Sunday, March ninth, 2008 (Bout was scheduled for y2k but things came up.)

Known to most as Mike Seaver on the sitcom Growing Pains, Kirk Cameron used to be an A-list mega-celebrity. Having shirked mainstream media for the most part, he is now more of a C-List celebrity to the non-nickelodeon crowd these days. Kirk is however, a massive celebrity in certain circles, namely with strict evangelists and hardcore atheists. To them, he is still on the A-list. Why? Well, because he has been deconstructing science with religion since his stint on Growing Pains. Huh? Wait a minute JD, I thought science tends to be the one that deconstructs religion, not the other way around. Well, this is true, science does do that but Kirk puts the old switcharoo on this practice, while offending the intellect of atheists everywhere. Kirk has teamed up with fellow evangelist Ray Comfort and writes regular articles on their website wayofthemaster.com. I friends, have read them all and bring you the humorous highlights, plus my own commentary. Here are the following quotes from Kirk Cameron in his articles (You're Welcome...especially a you're welcome to the fellow atheists out there who don't want to read that crap except for the clearly hilarious parts):

Article source: I'm Going Back to UCLA

''I’m not going to get tied up in intellectual arguments.''

''These students have their high GPA and SAT scores, but I have the answer to death and the roadmap to Heaven.''

''Their minds have been horribly tweaked by the atheist’s fairy tale of evolution and post-modern secular brainwashing. It so reminded me of when I was in school, learning about “science”, the history of the universe, geology, astronomy, etc.''

Yes, ''science'', trying to explain things and use data, understanding and other forms of trickery to get you to believe things about nature and ARRRRGGG, I can't even talk about it! Hulk Smash! I Hulk Smash science! AHHHRRRGGG!!! JD MAD!!!

Article Source: It pays to be a fool for the sake of Christ.

Sure does if there's a collection plate involved.

''I don't like being called or thought of as a religious wing-ding.''

Then you are in the wrong line of work, Kirk. Hey, work, Kirk, that rhymes! Work, Kirk, Wing, Ding. Oh, this is fun.

Article Source: Well done, my good and faithful servant...

"It’s no secret to anyone who knows me, that I am not a brilliant theologian. I’m not an eloquent writer, or even a great speaker.''

No comment.

Article source: Einstein + Sex = God

''Try it yourself. Build a baby from scratch (no cheating with pre-manufactured humans). Baby building is very complex.''

Wait, I see...if it's so complex then there must be a-oh, dang that is one good argument. I didn't even see that one coming.

''It's obvious why the thinking atheist has to admit there must be a God.''

Kirk, you may not actually have ever seen the definition of the word ''atheist'' before.

''So the next time you're speaking with a skeptic, remember this little equation: Einstein + Sex = God. And use it the next time someone asks you for proof for a Creator.''

Equations? Oh, my God, they got to you, didn't they? You're using the sc-sc-sc-science and math of the Devil!

Article Source: Foul Mouths, Frogs, and Magic

''It may be a group of foul mouthed frog killers, or it just might be a friend.''

''To learn how to circumnavigate the intellect (the place of argument) and speak directly to the conscience (the place of the knowledge of right and wrong), please visit our website at http://www.wayofthemaster.com/ ''

Once again, intellect is not way up on Kirk's favorite things during a religious conversation. Besides, how can you think knowledge of any kind could come from a place of intellect? Crazy!

Article Source: Rescue Hero

''I was stopped from being a shellfish rescue hero primarily because of my own pride.''

Article Source: Old MacCameron Had a Farm

''Having chickens has taught me a few things about God.''

Hey, what came first, the God or the egg? The God? Oh, yeah? Well, if there was no egg then how did-aw, forget it.

Article Source: Open Air at a Public High School

''I asked the Rhyme Master if Mike Seaver could say a quick word to the kids, and he turned down the music and handed me the mike.''

Then ensued a fierce, no-holds-barred rap battle with Theo Huxtable and Balki Bartokomous (The heathens otherwise known as Bronson Pinchot and Malcolm-Jamal Warner). Who else is picturing this happening with Kirk wearing some massive bling and a parka? Oh, is it just me? You liars, I know it's not just me.

Article Source: Left Behind III: The Disco Version

''Once again, I'm playing "Buck" and my wife Chelsea plays "Hattie". This time, the Trib Force is doing all they can to slow down the plans of the Nicholae Carpathia to annihilate Christians from the planet (by secretly infecting the majority of Bibles with a highly toxic biological agent like Anthrax and allowing the Trib Force to distribute them to new converts) and bring in his new, one-world government and religion.''

...Finding out that this was actually a real movie made me so...I'm not sure there's a word for it. Gidjubiexcitafantaceous. That's a word that might cover it. This is like finding out they made a Broadway musical of Rambo that I can laugh at. I'm not kidding, once again, this is a real movie, look it up. If you do, you'll be Gidjubiexcitafantaceous too.

Article Source: Could I be Wrong?

''Some people have asked me if I could be wrong about my convictions about God and the Bible. Fair question. While there are many detailed reasons why I believe Jesus is God and the Bible is His Word, here is one simple way to look at it.''

If it's one constant in Kirk's way of thinking, it's that he prefers to keep it simple and not over think things. Even thinking them is bad, let alone over thinking them. Remember, thought is not your friends, kids. Wait for that PSA.

Article Source: Gone Fishing

''As I swung to the subject of God, a little Indian Buddhist girl stepped forward and said "So this is what you do now? You give people money so they'll stand here so you can brainwash them?!" I felt sick. She might as well have said "You're pathetic. I used to like you on TV, but not anymore because you're bribing people to listen to your religious garbage." I swallowed my pride for about 10 more minutes before I packed it in and went home, licking my wounds. I felt terrible, as my fears got the best of me that night.''

''I was determined not to be defeated by a shrimpy little girl, so I went back the next night.''

''In the distance I could see that little Indian Buddhist girl standing on a bench in front of her friends. I ducked behind a tree, but it was too late. She spotted me, ran up and threw her arms around me and yelled in a mocking voice, "Oh Kirk Cameron, where's my free Bible? I want a free Bible!" After shaking off this little distraction (obviously a demonic dart to discourage me again), Johnny and I shared with another group and prayed with a young man to receive the Lord.''

Ugh! These little Indian Buddhist girls always being possessed by Satan and mocking people! I hate that! They're always in the way! You know, the devil does this on purpose, he knows you're less likely to hit girls in public while converting people to Christianity, it looks bad. Crafty, crafty old Beelzebub. If I had a quarter for every time a small Indian Buddhist girl possessed by demonic mojo, mocked me for my beliefs and tried to stop me from my work, I'd have quite a tidy some set aside for retirement.

Article Source: God is Busy... Can I Help You?

Are you there Kirk? It's me, Margaret.

''I went outside and found him a hundred yards away in the parking lot, witnessing to seven or eight very rough looking guys with pierced body parts and tattoos (they were assembling for a midnight drag race with their modified sports cars.''

Uh Oh, what happens?

... ''Without flinching, he asked one guy named "Nate-Dog" if he had kept God's Ten Commandments. He hadn't.''

Since Kirk's whole angle is that nobody who isn't the Lord actually goes without breaking the commandments, it's not surprising that ole Nate-Dog failed, is it?

Article Source: Survival Requirements for a Christian in Hollywood - Part 2

''1. Pray every day -- God always answers prayer. Sometimes He says yes; sometimes He says no; and sometimes He says, "Wait for a minute." ''

...Allow me to translate this statement into George Carlinism ''You can pray to Joe Pesci and achieve the exact same results.'' No wonder he doesn't want you to think, you could talk yourself out of the significance of prayer SO EASILY.

Article Source: The First Time

''Have you heard it? If you have, do you remember the first time? Do you remember when you first heard that passionate preacher with the cool New Zealand accent talking so fast you had to rewind your cassette tape to understand what he actually said?''

Do you think they'll ever do a remake of Happy Days where Fonzie has a New Zealand accent? ...Excuse me, I have something I've got to discuss with Joe Pesci, I'll be back in a minute.

Article Source: Survival Requirements for a Christian in Hollywood - Part 1

''I am grateful to be a Christian in Hollywood. God is doing great things here.''

No kidding! I mean, if I had a dime for every time I thought some hot actress would just never disrobe and they managed to churn out the right script, I'd be rich. Those people are just plain miracle-workers out there...That is what you meant, right?

Article Source: Screamin' Preachers and Honky-tonk Organs

''While I can appreciate this preacher's charisma and athletic ability and the groove of a funky organ riff, I fear what awaits him on the Day of Judgment when he stands before a holy God to give an account of his false teaching.''

And, lastly (though I know you're sad to see it end):

Article Source: Everyday Heroes

''The police had just finished reprimanding them. I had about fifteen minutes, so I approached a group of seven, and noticing that they were all wearing the same blue pants and white shirt combination, I asked them if they had called each other that morning to agree on what to wear. They didn't think my corny joke was funny and continued to stare me down. One explained that it was their school uniform and that they were let out of school early and were killing time. I showed them the "Pink and Blue Optical Illusion" trick and they suddenly were interested in the skinny white kid with the bad sense of humor.''

Kids, they are just so wild about magic tricks. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a teenager or older child say something along the lines of ''Hey, man! You're not cool! Dude, I bet you don't even KNOW any magic tricks!'' I would be a billionaire. Honestly.

PS: You know what's weird? After reading all of his articles...I kind of like the guy. He's alright . . . for a wing-ding.

PPS:

Check out the chosen gratuitous youtube video of Kirk Cameron on Bill O'Reilly's The O'Reilly Factor, where he teams up with Bill to present science as a little loopy and religion as the only logical thought process, then the youtubean presenting it interjects his own arguments in between their dialogue to show you how funny it actually is:

James Spader: Scolding The Boys In Blue (Quotes from The Practice)

2008-03-01T15:39:00.000-08:00

~The refreshingly strange James Spader, in all his glory.

JD's quotes:

I've said it before and I'll say it again, The Practice is the best legal drama of them all. Some law shows are great when it comes to the stories and lacking when it comes to the characters. Some have great characters with lackluster storylines. David E. Kelley's The Practice was an all around creative success, to me, striking the perfect balance of interesting legal cases and great characters. I'm not sure what other show could've lost half of its main characters at once, one who was arguably THE star and still roll on with such quality. I cannot praise this show enough. Their addition of James Spader was perfectly fitting and carried on into The Practice's respective spin-off Boston Legal.

James Spader as ''ethically challenged'' attorney Alan Shore from the episode Concealing Evidence:

1. Judge Rodney White (Herb Mitchell) after Alan shows up late to court: Mr. Shore, this is a homicide case, you have better things to do?

Alan: Actually, I was searching for the real killer your honor. With O. J..

2. Alan to the firm: Ignorance is not only bliss, it happens to be constitutional.

3. Client of the week, Karen Evanson (played by Lisa Sheridan): Can I...hug you?
Alan: No! I don't hug clients...I grope them on occasion but I never hug.

4. After the police burst into the practice, officer number 1 says: Did anybody just come in here?

Alan: Six people in fact, dressed in blue.

Officer number 2: We're looking for a man, mid-thirties, jeans, blue jacket. He entered this building.

Alan: Is he a criminal?

Officer 2: He's a homicide suspect.

Alan: Homicide? My God, do you know what you've done? We represent murderers here. It's quite possible the man you speak of came into this building to hire us. With the six of you, guns out-Now he'll never come in. You may very well have cost us business officer. Bad policemen! Very Bad!

Special note: Officer number one was played by that guy from that thing and officer number two was played by, you know the one with the stuff from that place that did all those things. Although the exact names are not known, I hope that cleared it up.

Oh, no, hoeno, not again! (More Saturday Night Live quotes from Weekend Update)

2008-02-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

~ Seth Meyers of SNL
Lucy's quotes:

Yes again, my friend, again. If not now, then when? Have I been reading Dr. Seuss books? No, I just get giddy when I do an SNL post, that's all. Especially when it's about (Sound the trumpets) my favorite segment, Weekend Update. I've restrained myself for long enough. I just can't stay away from the WU. So, here are some of the last lines that got a belly laugh from me. Keep in mind, each belly laugh is worth 6 points to the anchor reading it, so Jimmy Fallon is still up by several points. Sorry, it's the way we do it. Here they are:

1. Current Anchor Seth Meyers:

Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are denying rumors that they have become lovers. Apparently the rumor got started when I imagined it.

2. Also from Seth Meyers:

Many BlackBerry users are now reporting feeling vibrations when they are not holding their devices. In an effort to combat these phantom sensations, makers of the BlackBerry suggest you stop doing cocaine.

3. Former Anchor and most recently host Tina Fey:

Police in Illinois are looking for a 75-year-old woman who gets around with a cane and a portable oxygen cart. Because she's accused of scamming car dealers by bouncing checks. Officials say that by now, the old lady could be anywhere within an eight foot radius.

4. Also from Tina Fey:

Ingvar Kamprad, the Swedish man who founded IKEA has overtaken Bill Gates as the World's richest man, with a fortune of $53 billion dollars. He plans to use the money to ''finally buy some nice furniture.''

5. And finally, from my favorite former anchor, Jimmy Fallon:

For the first time, the annual event ''Gay Day'' in which homosexuals gather at Disneyland, was held at Euro Disney in Paris. It was the largest gathering of gay men in Paris since the day before.

~ Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon on SNL's Weekend Update

You'd think between the kiwis, cucumbers and cantaloupes, SOMEBODY would be getting turned on!

2008-02-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

JD's quotes:

Okay, since Lucy is now outworking me, I'm opening up a new subject to post on. See, there are many colorful physicians out there who go on talk shows, write newsletters, books and articles on websites. They say funny things. Sometimes their eccentricities are pretty darned palpable. One of the doctors that comes to mind is William Campbell Douglass, M.D. who is a funny guy. He authors The Douglass Report. In the Douglass Report, he takes his stands on health by praising a three-egg breakfast complete with bacon and strong coffee with heavy cream, contrary to what you'd typically hear from a medical doctor. Doctor Douglass also is the arch nemesis of the soy bean (doctors hating on soy isn't really that uncommon).

Doctor Douglass is also strongly anti-vegetarian and rarely misses an opportunity to mock them when he comes across a good chance. This is hilarious, trust me. So, a while back, Doctor Douglass, who is in his 80's and probably a bit more ill-tempered for it, comes across this headline in the news. The headline is ''Vegans shun sex with meat-eaters''. When he started to write about this, I knew he was going to go monkey-barrels on all the veggie-heads and fruitarians in the way only he can. He was so insulted by this that he was lead to the following comments (likely stemming from a combined love of bacon, hatred of vegetarianism and the beautifully self-righteous attitude of a medical doctor):

''I think all that processed soybean junk food has gone to their heads - and their sex organs, too.''

''The research is in, and it's alarming: Veganism from birth causes mal development of sex organs in males.''

''Next thing you know, vegans will be cutting out sex altogether, which, come to think of it, wouldn't be much of a stretch.''

''It's not so much that vegans don't want to have sex with meat-eaters - it's that they can't handle being partnered up with someone who actually has a sex drive.''

''The average vegan doesn't "get it on" nearly as much as we hearty meat-eaters.
Just stick to a diet loaded with plenty of red meat, eggs, and a few veggies thrown in for variety, and you're bound to get everything you need to be raring-to-go at the drop of a hat. And I've got plenty of personal experience to vouch for it…''

Whoa Nelly! Doc, please. I do NOT want to know about your sex life. Yikes. Okay, let's just all recover from that for a second. In closing, God Bless crotchety old doctors, they are funny.

Say what? has nothing against vegans, fruitarians, Doctor Douglass or eggs but does take a strong stand against soy and the flaunting of sexual energy by senior citizens of any background be it meat-eating or otherwise. Please,... keep it to yourselves, you old horn dogs.

Bill Maher on why it's funny

2008-02-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

Lucy's quotes:

On Friday's new Real Time With Bill Maher, Bill has managed to get his show onto Say what? for their fourth appearance with not only a funny joke but by explaining it to everyone who already gets it. I love it when he does that to amuse himself. It gives me the wicked giggles.

Bill Maher in his monologue after mentioning that Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing in his speeches:

''You know, politicians, they all steal. We found this out 'cause they investigated it this week now that it became an issue. In her closing statement, she ripped off something...that Bill Clinton used to say. And he got it from Kennedy, who got it from FDR, who got it from Lincoln, who got it from McCain. ...He's old!''

Okay comedians, we get it. You have to exaggerate some specific trait of each person in the news, including politicians. We get that. But, be careful though. Some people tried to portray Bill ''Slick Willie'' Clinton as a dumb hillbilly at first but he turned out to be pretty clever. What if you make fun of John McCain for being old and he gets into office and we all get to know him better and realize that-oh. Okay, I guess that one can't really backfire. Never mind, go ahead, he's really old, stick with that one...good choice.

Remembering Mitch Hedberg: Quotes from his act

2008-02-24T05:03:00.001-08:00

JD's quotes:

Mitch Hedberg gave us a boatload of trippy humor before dying young. Because Mitch had a great and unique delivery and some jokes that just weren't funny unless he was the one saying them, it's hard to keep in mind that Mitch was an ingenious architect of silly discussions. When Mitch would tell one of his simpler jokes, he often would endearingly say something along the lines of ''Yeah, that was a dumb joke, I know.'' I looked it up and Mitch would've been 40 years-old today. Let's look back on some of Mitch's lines over the years and have a laugh in memory of the offbeat comic who rarely showed up without his sunglasses:

Mitch Hedberg on drugs:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used ta too.

You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black light popped up over his head?

I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.

Mitch on food:

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. 'Cause maybe they're just as good and w-w-we're wasting time.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said ''nooo, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeaahh.''

Mitch on animals:

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

I find that ducks' opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or a really cool opotamus?

Mitch on dental topics (He brought them up often):

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say ''You're home!''

I was gonna have my teeth whitened but then I said F**k that, I'll just get a tan instead.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar but that sh!t's under control.

I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in sh!t.

Mitch's miscellaneous musings:

I haven't slept for ten days because, that would be too long.

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

I like an escalator man 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.

Check out Mitch as a patient on the fittingly strange and whimsical animated comedy Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist starring another favorite of mine, Jonathan Katz:

Skinhead White Supremacists contemplate complex sociological implications in a philosophical capacity with... just a touch of sentimentality

2008-02-23T18:29:00.000-08:00

JD's quotes:

~The cast of My Name Is Earl

Today's quote is from the very funny children's show for adults-My Name Is Earl. MNIE stars Jason Lee as the title character and I can't remember who plays his mustache. So, here's the scene...Earl has been put in prison, unlike jail, which he's well accustomed to. He's out in the yard where the weights are, trying to steal a pair of sunglasses from one of the skinhead white supremacists so he can make a shiv out of it. Two skinheads are talking, and this is the part of the conversation we get to hear:

White Supremacist inmate one: How 'bout you? Would you hate Martin Luther King more if he'd been Indian?

White Supremacist inmate two: ...Okay, yeah. I'd hate him more if he'd been Indian. Unless he was Cherokee...A Cherokee once saved my black grandpa from drowning...Oops.

And this has been...another intellectual moment from the white supremacists. Stay tuned next time as they ask themselves if white onions are superior to red and yellow ones,... since even the white ones have colored tops. Does the green part make them impure? Hmm...find out next week with some of the top academic authorities of the white supremacist movement.

And in other PSA news...hoeno! It's Artie Lange!

2008-02-22T02:34:00.000-08:00

~Artie Lange, from The Howard Stern Show

Lucy's quotes:

Artie Lange stopped by Late Night With Conan O'Brien one night to do the worst PSA since ...since Max Weinberg's PSAs on the same show...Late Night has an interesting PSA track record now that I think about it. Artie has this great way of making Conan extremely uncomfortable. Artie talks about drugs and bashes other celebrities that Conan either has or likely will talk to and tries to get Conan in on it. This entertains us. Oh, yeah it does. Artie came on right after Randy Jackson of American Idol left and Artie had to ask Conan if he shared Artie's anger over the fact that someone like Randy was important in the business, as if Conan's going to jump in on that sentiment.

Artie then begins on his cocaine comedy while Conan's poor anus becomes sealed shut so tight he'll need a crowbar to break wind for at least the rest of that evening. Artie's best line is this lovely bit of druggie wisdom:

''This is advice for the kids. Only do coke if you're good lookin'. It sucks doin' cocaine when you're ugly, 'cause every time you do a line, you gotta see your face in the mirror.''

Bad Artie! Bad!

PS: In this instance PSA doesn't stand for ''prostate-specific antigen'' but rather Public Service Announcement, like it used to mean back in the day.

PPS: Also, if Artie Lange overdoses or something like that and kicks the bucket, we will probably take this post off because it won't be appropriate...On second thought, it's not really appropriate now, so we'll just leave it up.

PS to the PPS: Actually, we will leave the post up if something should happen to Artie but remove the part where I say he might kick the bucket out of respect and in its place add ''Thanks for the laughs'' where the kicks-the-bucket part was. Yeah, that's it. That's what we'll do.

'Say what?' does not endorse or encourage cocaine use, Artie Lange on cocaine, Artie Lange off cocaine, Randy Jackson on American Idol, Conan O'Brien's anus, Hillary Clinton's laugh, Mitt Romney's street cred, any man named Mitt or celebrity PSAs.

Pipa and Big Daddy: The Real Scoop On Their Street Cred

2008-02-21T05:33:00.001-08:00

Lucy's quotes:

Because of somebody's wisenheimer crack about how I do far less posting than JD, I've started posting a lot more this month, thank you very much. I hope you've all noticed. Well, there was a moment on Live with Regis and Kelly Ripa that I couldn't let go unquoted. Although they were cutting in on each other and laughing as usual, here's the quote of their conversation, as directly as it can be:

Regis: I'm getting nervous about the Academy Awards-

Kelly: Do not be nervous. You are gonna rock the hizzay!

Regis: Well, here's what I'm nervous about...rock the what?

Kelly: Hizzay.

Regis: What does that mean?

Kelly: It means 'house'. Say 'hizzay'. The stars will like it; they'll think you're dope.

Regis: Hizzay! Hizzay means house?

Kelly: Hizzay.

Regis: Really?

Kelly: Yes, in Snoop Dog language, yeah.

Regis: Oh, okay.

Regis: Hey, I wonder if Snoop Dog is gonna be there. Sometimes he shows up at these things.

Kelly: Probablizzay, ... I'm here all week.

Regis: Ahhh, that Snoopy guy.

Priceless. I love those two. I love them so much that I hope the phrase ''big pimping'' gets turned into ''big pipping'' in honor of Kelly and her ability to teach hip hop culture to the daytime TV crowd. If it's possible to make Big Daddy Reege any cooler, Kelly may have done it. Tomorrow on Live: Kelly teaches the audience how to keep it crunk!