Monday, April 28, 2008

Then Norm showed up...:The Best Norm MacDonald Quotes From Real Life

JD's quotes:

Norm MacDonald's giant hat ~ Will Ferrell on the left as Alex Trebek and Norm MacDonald on the right as the 1970's version of Burt Reynolds in Saturday Night Live's classic parody of celebrity Jeopardy. (Lucy's not the only one that watches SNL)

Norm MacDonald remains one of the highest ranking Canadian smartasses of the World. He is ranked at three in case you had wondered. He was number one for a while but nobody can stay number one forever. He holds a belt in some divisions. Norm has this special delivery where he acts aloof while stuttering and slurring through various ramblings. All the while, he maintains a twinkle in his eye that lets you know he's baiting you into his shtick. Often, the result is an anti-punchline. Norm is also easily one of the greatest talk show guests alive. That's why, I have assembled some of the quote highlights of Norm MacDonald's talk show appearances. If you want to get technical, one bit comes from a game show, another is just Norm as a guest speaker, and another is as host of an awards show, but technical schmechnical. Here they are, stretching through Norm's obsession with OJ Simpson, the gay community and a certain word pertaining to the male anatomy:

1. Norm and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?:
Norm appeared as a celebrity guest contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? for charity and was asked the following question by Regis Philbin:

What Broadway musical features material written by Samuel Beckett and John Lennon?

A: Hair

B: Godspell

C: Cabaret

D: Oh! Calcutta!

Norm says:

''Well, I uh, I'm not gay so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.''

~There was some nervous laughter and one woman audibly shouted ''Oh, my God!''

2. Norm and The View:

Norm on an early, nice appearance on ''The biggest catastrophe television has ever seen'' aka The View:

Norm to Meredith Vieira (Alluding to God knows what kind of story from before he walked on stage): But let me tell you somethin' else. I would have sex with you while you were awake.

Later on the same episode of The View:

Meredith to Norm: You've admitted that you're lazy. I think you've read six books in your life.

Norm: I've read six.

Meredith: Six. What kind of a woman would be attracted to you, do you think?

Norm: ... Well I have a lot of money.

Keep in mind, as snarky as Meredith's question sounds, this was the appearance Norm made when he was still in the good graces of the rabid chickens of The View.

3. Norm and

Norm after a separate and much rougher appearance on The View, appeared on Tom Green's and talked about the talk show nightmare:

''So, I go to The View and th-those four bags are sittin' there.''

''And then, uh, Barbara Walters goes ''You're w-y-y-You're walkin' a pretty thin line, mister.'' ''

''I remember she kept going like ''You're one piece of work, mister.''

''And, uh, Barbara Walters goes ''What the hell are you doing?!!''

4. Norm and Politically Incorrect

Norm on Politically Incorrect (hosted by Bill Maher):

''I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's-I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.''

5. Norm and Late Night With Conan O'Brien:

Norm in appearances on Late Night With Conan O'Brien:

Talking about his appearance on MTV Beach House: Yeah, and then I had to come back on, they're like ''Uhh, Mr. Homophobic, eh, won't-won't let a guy grind his ass into you.''.

''There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.''

Telling an anecdote about getting drunk and having someone he had just met enrolling him in rehab:

'' They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?''

On another Conan appearance while Andy Richter was still Conan's sidekick:

Norm: I was talking to Andy before the show, and apparently I made a mistake one time on the show, where I intimated that maybe Andy was into gay porno. You remember that? Wh-which he was not-which he's not into. And I never meant to intimate that he was gay, in any way. Just that he had an obsession with watching gay porno.

6. Norm and The Late Show with David Letterman:

Norm talks history with Dave: ''You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.''

Norm discusses the finer points of cinema with Dave: ''Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.''

''Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I-... I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.''

7. Norm and Dennis Miller Live:

Norm moments from several episodes of old HBO favorite Dennis Miller Live:

Dennis Miller: Do you think advertising brings kids to smoking? You know, they have a lot of fight with the Joe Camel thing. Do you think they really-

Norm with the classic stammer: Yeah, they go-no, yeah definitely, they gotta-because the thing is this: The advertisers, they gotta go after kids, because they're not gonna get adults. Like, there's not gonna be a fifty-year-old guy going ''Hey, I should start smokin'! That Goddamn Camel,... look at him!'' They're gonna get little children.

Dennis: Joe Camel.

Norm: Yeah

Dennis: It's a frightening looking beast.

Norm: 'Cause he looks like a c*ck!

Norm on another episode of Dennis Miller Live about Viagra's first celebrity endorser:

''You don't wanna hear about Bob Dole's c*ck. You know?''

''But mostly, an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a super hard c*ck.''

Norm on another performance of Dennis Miller Live talking about dating and his exchanges with women:

''Yeah, I say ''Hey, how 'bout you and me f**k'' and then they go ''Nooo.''...and then they go '' How 'bout we have dinner?'' and I go ''I don't like dinner, you don't like f**ckin'. '' ''

Norm nearly makes it through the interview without his favorite word when he begins talking about seeing an old couple at a gay pride parade with a sign reading ''We are proud of our gay son.''. After explaining that he thought that was a weird thing to be proud of because it's not ''like an achievement'', he launches this barrage:

Norm: I had a hard time believing that these fifty, sixty-year-old men are actually bragging, you know, at work. Like there ''Hey, uh, Bill, you know, uh, my kid, oh my God, we're proud of him- Johnny. He, uh, uh, graduated from Harvard, you know, the first in his class. You know what I mean? I-I and now he's articling over at a law firm and uh-Oh yeah, he loves c*ck!...This kid...He can't get enough c*ck, in his mouth, his ass. This kid's always c*ck! ...I got a- I got a picture of the boy here suckin' another man's c*ck. I want to show it to ya.''

Dennis: To watch the maturation of you as an artist. To realize, it took you nine and a half minutes to get around to the suckin' c*ck stuff. It's beautiful to see you, comfortable in your own skin Normie.

8. Norm and The O'Reilly Factor:

Norm doing John McCain a favor (?) on Bill O'Reilly's The O'Reilly Factor:

''Yeah, I love John McCain. He's, uh, he was my favorite, uh, eight years ago. Um, but even eight years ago, he was the old guy back then.''

Norm sort of complimenting Hillary Clinton's campaign makeover:

''She looks to me, much more lifelike... And, uh, and also ladylike. She seems like a-she almost seems like a live lady now.''

9. Norm and the White House:

Norm speaking at the White House Correspondence Dinner while Bill Clinton was still president:

''And of course, there was important, uh, Washington figures who couldn't be here tonight. Uh, Vice President Al Gore is not here. Unfortunately, he uh, he broke down and they had to leave him in the shop overnight.''

''And of course, it was very inspiring to see President Clinton up here on crutches making a speech. I mean, I thought that was just, uh, amazing. You know? Uh, I mean, it's been difficult for the president, you know? He can't jog now, and, uh, he needs help getting around. And he still, you know he still, uh, occasionally suffers great pain, you know? On the upside, you got your medical marijuana. So that's, uh,... y'know?... (audience laughter) ... You MUST inhale sir. It's the only way you're gonna get better.''

10. Norm and ESPN:

Norm hosted ESPN's ESPY awards in the late nineties and was very much in character:

Norm on the winter Olympics:

''I was watchin' last night, I saw, speed, uh, speed skating. And, uh, my goodness, you know? Could the outfits they wear be any tighter? Holy Lord! There was an East German woman, I swear, you could see the outline of her entire penis.''

Received with partly positive and partly negative feedback from the audience, he also said:

''And there's Charles Woodson! How about that, uh? What a season he had. Great, man, he- he became the first defensive player to win the Heisman trophy. And congratulations Charles. That is something that no one can ever take away from you. Unless you kill your wife and waiter, in which case ...all bets are off.''
...Norm may have been referencing OJ Simpson's past...possibly...who knows?

11. Norm and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Norm on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno with a mustache and a distinctly conservative version of himself doing a classic rant on drugs:

''I remember when pot, was something you cooked your eggs in.''

''I remember-I-I remember when hash, was something you -you made out of corned beef.''

''I remember-I remember when-I remember when acid, was something ya-ya threw in a guy's face when he made a pass at your wife.''

''I remember-I remember ecstasy when it was-when it was just the feeling you had, when you threw that vial of acid in the guy's face.''

12. Norm and Howard Stern:

From Howard TV on demand: After Norm introduces Artie Lange to Howard Stern for the first time, Howard takes more of an interest in Artie than Norm-the original guest. Artie tells Howard tales of being put in jail and Howard is intrigued by Artie's getting ''searched'' intensely there. Norm had been quiet for too long to hold back and had to interrupt Artie's story, working in his favorite word:

Artie: Yeah, yeah, they check you with a glove. Yeah the glove-

Norm chiming in finally:

''And, with like a fellow prisoner's c*ck.''

That's it...and, really...why shouldn't a Norm MacDonald quote page end with a c*ck quote?...Think about it.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Bernard Hopkins has an unusual complaint

JD's quotes:

After Bernard ''The Executioner'' Hopkins ensured a thoroughly awkward fight with Joe Calzaghe, he managed to have one of the best post fight interviews in recent memory with Max Kellerman. By the way, I take back every unkind thing I may have ever said about Max. He's grown on me since he stepped into HBO Boxing. Before the fight, Hopkins made a small fuss at the Ricky Hatton/Floyd Mayweather weigh-in, by telling Joe Calzaghe in front of the cameras:

''I would never let a white boy beat me.''
and ''I would never lose to a white person.''

Of course, thanks to Calzaghe's work rate and Bernard's unwillingness to be the aggressor with a fighter who clearly wasn't able to hurt him, Bernard did in fact lose to a white person and a white boy at the same time. Bernard was a great actor as he-in my opinion- doubled over in pain after a slightly low blow, attempting to get the ref to take a point from Calzaghe. After the fight ended, Max Kellerman became the man of the hour by questioning the damage done by Calzaghe's low blow.


''Okay, um, the world also saw a punch that did not seem to land in a debilitating spot. You reacted as though it did. The crowd seemed not to believe it. You're looking at me incredulously. Here it is. Let's look at it here. And describe what you see-and what you felt at the time.''

(They roll the tape of the low blow after Calzaghe's Welsh fans cheer Kellerman's line of questioning)


''Right there. Right there.''


''Yeah, but right there looks just below the belt.''


''Right here, where this sign is at. Right here. Right on this patch here. That's my crotch (Hopkins technically says ''Crouch'' but we know what he means). I mean, I ain't gonna ask you to feel it but it's right there...(Kellerman laughs and Hopkins smirks) I mean, you pointed it out. You set yourself up with it but, that's what he hit me-right there. And it sort of knocked my private outside my cup.''

I can honestly say, I've never heard that particular complaint after witnessing years of boxing fights and interviews. Watching Max Kellerman try to maintain a straight face with all of his might and professionalism after that comment and compliment Hopkins on a good fight was the perfect end to this interview. Max moved up a few notches in my book tonight. The poor guy didn't even know that having to touch Bernard's private crouch was a risk he'd have to take when signing on with HBO.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

A Surefire Way To Get Male Celebrities To Work With You

Lucy's quote:

sulu ~George Takei

In case anyone else wondered how the hell Sulu from Star Trek ended up as a recurring figure on The Howard Stern Show and working as Howard Stern's announcer, I've found the answer. Howard Stern knows the way to a man's heart. It was all in the first impression, you see. Sulu-aka George Takei relayed the story of his and Howard's first meeting to Conan O'Brien on Late Night With Conan O'Brien. George met Howard when he appeared on Howard's radio show as a guest. George describes the experience as follows:

George Takei to Conan O'Brien:

''Met this tall, skinny, wild-haired guy and I said, ''Good morning. How are you?'' and he said, ''Oh, you have a deep voice. Anyone with a voice that deep has ah-got to have a big dong.'' I said, ''Are we on the air?'' and that was my introduction to Howard Stern.''

That you see, is how you get any male celebrity to work with you in any circumstance. That's my theory anyway...

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Dear JD

JD's quote:


Recently, I was handed a copy of one hilarious installment of the Dear Abby column and advised to read it. I must say...although I did not have any urge to read Dear Abby, I was pretty happy with what I read.

The question went exactly like this:

''Dear Abby: My wife is a pug nut. She has two ugly dogs, and she lets them sleep with us. The dogs snore and break wind all night, and she thinks it's cute. If I snore or break wind, she tells me it's annoying. She dresses these dogs in expensive gowns and pearls. Now she expects me to drive them 1,200 miles to our vacation home, while she flies. She also wants to buy a third dog. What do I do? _ No. 4 in New Jersey.''

Okay, allow me to cut off everything Abby said so I can answer. TESTICULAR IMPLANT, man. Get two of them and some divorce papers. Before that though, try feeding the dogs a few cans of beans topped with salsa. Then, when it's bedtime, leave the room and shut the door behind you. Then when you see your wife in the morning, ask her if she slept okay and if the dogs were just extra, extra cute with her during the night.

PS: You're in luck. Contrary to popular belief, there are actually women out there who aren't completely monkey-turd crazy. They do exist. Look for small clues like say, not putting jewelry and gowns on animals. Stuff like that. It's all about subtle clues. Other bad signs are bug eyes, always carrying glue in their purse, laughing at plants, drinks perfume, has a painting of Jesus next to a painting of Nixon and/or watches The View regularly. Good luck. I will be reading Dear Abby from now on, incidentally.

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