Then Norm showed up...:The Best Norm MacDonald Quotes From Real Life

JD's quotes:


~ Will Ferrell on the left as Alex Trebek and Norm MacDonald on the right as the 1970's version of Burt Reynolds in Saturday Night Live's classic parody of celebrity Jeopardy. (Lucy's not the only one that watches SNL)


Norm MacDonald remains one of the highest ranking Canadian smartasses of the World. He is ranked at three in case you had wondered. He was number one for a while but nobody can stay number one forever. He holds a belt in some divisions. Norm has this special delivery where he acts aloof while stuttering and slurring through various ramblings. All the while, he maintains a twinkle in his eye that lets you know he's baiting you into his shtick. Often, the result is an anti-punchline. Norm is also easily one of the greatest talk show guests alive. That's why, I have assembled some of the quote highlights of Norm MacDonald's talk show appearances. If you want to get technical, one bit comes from a game show, another is just Norm as a guest speaker, and another is as host of an awards show, but technical schmechnical. Here they are, stretching through Norm's obsession with OJ Simpson, the gay community and a certain word pertaining to the male anatomy:


1. Norm and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?:
Norm appeared as a celebrity guest contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? for charity and was asked the following question by Regis Philbin:

What Broadway musical features material written by Samuel Beckett and John Lennon?

A: Hair

B: Godspell

C: Cabaret

D: Oh! Calcutta!

Norm says:

''Well, I uh, I'm not gay so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.''

~There was some nervous laughter and one woman audibly shouted ''Oh, my God!''

2. Norm and The View:

Norm on an early, nice appearance on ''The biggest catastrophe television has ever seen'' aka The View:

Norm to Meredith Vieira (Alluding to God knows what kind of story from before he walked on stage): But let me tell you somethin' else. I would have sex with you while you were awake.

Later on the same episode of The View:

Meredith to Norm: You've admitted that you're lazy. I think you've read six books in your life.

Norm: I've read six.

Meredith: Six. What kind of a woman would be attracted to you, do you think?

Norm: ... Well I have a lot of money.

Keep in mind, as snarky as Meredith's question sounds, this was the appearance Norm made when he was still in the good graces of the rabid chickens of The View.

3. Norm and tomgreen.com:

Norm after a separate and much rougher appearance on The View, appeared on Tom Green's tomgreen.com and talked about the talk show nightmare:

''So, I go to The View and th-those four bags are sittin' there.''

''And then, uh, Barbara Walters goes ''You're w-y-y-You're walkin' a pretty thin line, mister.'' ''

''I remember she kept going like ''You're one piece of work, mister.''

''And, uh, Barbara Walters goes ''What the hell are you doing?!!''

4. Norm and Politically Incorrect

Norm on Politically Incorrect (hosted by Bill Maher):

''I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's-I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.''

5. Norm and Late Night With Conan O'Brien:

Norm in appearances on Late Night With Conan O'Brien:

Talking about his appearance on MTV Beach House: Yeah, and then I had to come back on, they're like ''Uhh, Mr. Homophobic, eh, won't-won't let a guy grind his ass into you.''.

''There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.''

Telling an anecdote about getting drunk and having someone he had just met enrolling him in rehab:

'' They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?''

On another Conan appearance while Andy Richter was still Conan's sidekick:

Norm: I was talking to Andy before the show, and apparently I made a mistake one time on the show, where I intimated that maybe Andy was into gay porno. You remember that? Wh-which he was not-which he's not into. And I never meant to intimate that he was gay, in any way. Just that he had an obsession with watching gay porno.

6. Norm and The Late Show with David Letterman:

Norm talks history with Dave: ''You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.''

Norm discusses the finer points of cinema with Dave: ''Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.''

''Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I-... I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.''

7. Norm and Dennis Miller Live:

Norm moments from several episodes of old HBO favorite Dennis Miller Live:

Dennis Miller: Do you think advertising brings kids to smoking? You know, they have a lot of fight with the Joe Camel thing. Do you think they really-

Norm with the classic stammer: Yeah, they go-no, yeah definitely, they gotta-because the thing is this: The advertisers, they gotta go after kids, because they're not gonna get adults. Like, there's not gonna be a fifty-year-old guy going ''Hey, I should start smokin'! That Goddamn Camel,... look at him!'' They're gonna get little children.

Dennis: Joe Camel.

Norm: Yeah

Dennis: It's a frightening looking beast.

Norm: 'Cause he looks like a c*ck!

Norm on another episode of Dennis Miller Live about Viagra's first celebrity endorser:

''You don't wanna hear about Bob Dole's c*ck. You know?''

''But mostly, an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a super hard c*ck.''

Norm on another performance of Dennis Miller Live talking about dating and his exchanges with women:

''Yeah, I say ''Hey, how 'bout you and me f**k'' and then they go ''Nooo.''...and then they go '' How 'bout we have dinner?'' and I go ''I don't like dinner, you don't like f**ckin'. '' ''

Norm nearly makes it through the interview without his favorite word when he begins talking about seeing an old couple at a gay pride parade with a sign reading ''We are proud of our gay son.''. After explaining that he thought that was a weird thing to be proud of because it's not ''like an achievement'', he launches this barrage:

Norm: I had a hard time believing that these fifty, sixty-year-old men are actually bragging, you know, at work. Like there ''Hey, uh, Bill, you know, uh, my kid, oh my God, we're proud of him- Johnny. He, uh, uh, graduated from Harvard, you know, the first in his class. You know what I mean? I-I and now he's articling over at a law firm and uh-Oh yeah, he loves c*ck!...This kid...He can't get enough c*ck, in his mouth, his ass. This kid's always c*ck! ...I got a- I got a picture of the boy here suckin' another man's c*ck. I want to show it to ya.''

Dennis: To watch the maturation of you as an artist. To realize, it took you nine and a half minutes to get around to the suckin' c*ck stuff. It's beautiful to see you, comfortable in your own skin Normie.

8. Norm and The O'Reilly Factor:

Norm doing John McCain a favor (?) on Bill O'Reilly's The O'Reilly Factor:

''Yeah, I love John McCain. He's, uh, he was my favorite, uh, eight years ago. Um, but even eight years ago, he was the old guy back then.''

Norm sort of complimenting Hillary Clinton's campaign makeover:

''She looks to me, much more lifelike... And, uh, and also ladylike. She seems like a-she almost seems like a live lady now.''

9. Norm and the White House:

Norm speaking at the White House Correspondence Dinner while Bill Clinton was still president:

''And of course, there was important, uh, Washington figures who couldn't be here tonight. Uh, Vice President Al Gore is not here. Unfortunately, he uh, he broke down and they had to leave him in the shop overnight.''

''And of course, it was very inspiring to see President Clinton up here on crutches making a speech. I mean, I thought that was just, uh, amazing. You know? Uh, I mean, it's been difficult for the president, you know? He can't jog now, and, uh, he needs help getting around. And he still, you know he still, uh, occasionally suffers great pain, you know? On the upside, you got your medical marijuana. So that's, uh,... y'know?... (audience laughter) ... You MUST inhale sir. It's the only way you're gonna get better.''

10. Norm and ESPN:

Norm hosted ESPN's ESPY awards in the late nineties and was very much in character:

Norm on the winter Olympics:

''I was watchin' last night, I saw, speed, uh, speed skating. And, uh, my goodness, you know? Could the outfits they wear be any tighter? Holy Lord! There was an East German woman, I swear, you could see the outline of her entire penis.''

Received with partly positive and partly negative feedback from the audience, he also said:

''And there's Charles Woodson! How about that, uh? What a season he had. Great, man, he- he became the first defensive player to win the Heisman trophy. And congratulations Charles. That is something that no one can ever take away from you. Unless you kill your wife and waiter, in which case ...all bets are off.''
...Norm may have been referencing OJ Simpson's past...possibly...who knows?

11. Norm and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Norm on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno with a mustache and a distinctly conservative version of himself doing a classic rant on drugs:

''I remember when pot, was something you cooked your eggs in.''

''I remember-I-I remember when hash, was something you -you made out of corned beef.''

''I remember-I remember when-I remember when acid, was something ya-ya threw in a guy's face when he made a pass at your wife.''

''I remember-I remember ecstasy when it was-when it was just the feeling you had, when you threw that vial of acid in the guy's face.''

12. Norm and Howard Stern:

From Howard TV on demand: After Norm introduces Artie Lange to Howard Stern for the first time, Howard takes more of an interest in Artie than Norm-the original guest. Artie tells Howard tales of being put in jail and Howard is intrigued by Artie's getting ''searched'' intensely there. Norm had been quiet for too long to hold back and had to interrupt Artie's story, working in his favorite word:

Artie: Yeah, yeah, they check you with a glove. Yeah the glove-

Norm chiming in finally:

''And, with like a fellow prisoner's c*ck.''

That's it...and, really...why shouldn't a Norm MacDonald quote page end with a c*ck quote?...Think about it.

He's not a professor but I bet they wish he was (Humorous Historical Quotes)

JD's quotes:

~ Victoria Woodhull, just one of the historical figures you should know but likely don't, mentioned in Robert Wuhl's second presentation.

~ Former president of the US Franklin Pierce. How great was this guy?...Robert Wuhl thinks he sucked.

~ Britney Spears, according to Robert Wuhl, she could be FAR more important to the benefit of society than Franklin Pierce.

~ Mr. Robert Wuhl, the man who wants you to be as amused by history as he is.


As covered previously, actor Robert Wuhl, formerly star of HBO comedy Arliss was teacher for a day in his college presentation Assume The Position. Well, he had so much fun and so many people appreciated this great presentation of history that he did Assume the position 201 with Mr. Wuhl. The second verse is the same as the first in that it is another humorous presentation assuming the position that history is pop culture. The results are an informed and amused audience both live and at home, yet again. Think Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in the same presidential race is a sign of the modern times? Mr. Wuhl will tell you all about Victoria Woodhull and Frederick Douglass. One of a growing number that thinks our current president is just the worst? Well, Mr. Wuhl tells you about some former presidents that would make you think twice. Here are some of the quotes from Mr. Wuhl's class:

From Wuhl's theory of presidential facial hair:

''Now, in my lifetime, there have been ten different presidents. Some good, some not so good. All of them clean shaven, and none of them could get rid of Castro. His secret? Facial hair!''

While making sure you aren't quick to deem current president George W. Bush as the worst president ever, Mr. Wuhl puts an extra special emphasis on Franklin Pierce. Included in his emphasizing are Pierce's opposing candidates Stephen Douglas and James Buchanan. Douglas was very short and Buchanan was the only American President who was a lifelong bachelor. Wuhl downplays Pierce's victory over these men with this statement:

''This is like beating Mini-Me and Lance Bass.''


Then continues to say:

''How bad was Franklin Pierce? To this day, he remains the only incumbent president in our history not to get his own party's nomination for a second term.''

''How does he respond? Pierce later gets drunk, gets on a horse and drives over a woman, becoming the first president with a DUI.''

Other honorable mentions in his list of lousy presidential terms are Calvin Coolidge, Millard Fillmore and Warren G. Harding. He also says this of John Tyler:

''How committed to the United States was this guy? When he's not re-elected, this motherf**ker switches sides!''

Wuhl on literature:

''...The Scarlet Letter, a love triangle about adultery. It's sort of the original Grey's Anatomy.''

Lastly, Mr. Wuhl on staying positive during America's current hard times:

''I'm an optimist, I really am. I'm a positive person. I always look at the bong as half full.''

When's our third installment Mr. Wuhl? We'll be waiting.

Bill Maher on why it's funny

Lucy's quotes:



On Friday's new Real Time With Bill Maher, Bill has managed to get his show onto Say what? for their fourth appearance with not only a funny joke but by explaining it to everyone who already gets it. I love it when he does that to amuse himself. It gives me the wicked giggles.


Bill Maher in his monologue after mentioning that Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing in his speeches:

''You know, politicians, they all steal. We found this out 'cause they investigated it this week now that it became an issue. In her closing statement, she ripped off something...that Bill Clinton used to say. And he got it from Kennedy, who got it from FDR, who got it from Lincoln, who got it from McCain. ...He's old!''

Okay comedians, we get it. You have to exaggerate some specific trait of each person in the news, including politicians. We get that. But, be careful though. Some people tried to portray Bill ''Slick Willie'' Clinton as a dumb hillbilly at first but he turned out to be pretty clever. What if you make fun of John McCain for being old and he gets into office and we all get to know him better and realize that-oh. Okay, I guess that one can't really backfire. Never mind, go ahead, he's really old, stick with that one...good choice.

And in other PSA news...hoeno! It's Artie Lange!

~Artie Lange, from The Howard Stern Show

Lucy's quotes:

Artie Lange stopped by Late Night With Conan O'Brien one night to do the worst PSA since ...since Max Weinberg's PSAs on the same show...Late Night has an interesting PSA track record now that I think about it. Artie has this great way of making Conan extremely uncomfortable. Artie talks about drugs and bashes other celebrities that Conan either has or likely will talk to and tries to get Conan in on it. This entertains us. Oh, yeah it does. Artie came on right after Randy Jackson of American Idol left and Artie had to ask Conan if he shared Artie's anger over the fact that someone like Randy was important in the business, as if Conan's going to jump in on that sentiment.

Artie then begins on his cocaine comedy while Conan's poor anus becomes sealed shut so tight he'll need a crowbar to break wind for at least the rest of that evening. Artie's best line is this lovely bit of druggie wisdom:

''This is advice for the kids. Only do coke if you're good lookin'. It sucks doin' cocaine when you're ugly, 'cause every time you do a line, you gotta see your face in the mirror.''

Bad Artie! Bad!

PS: In this instance PSA doesn't stand for ''prostate-specific antigen'' but rather Public Service Announcement, like it used to mean back in the day.

PPS: Also, if Artie Lange overdoses or something like that and kicks the bucket, we will probably take this post off because it won't be appropriate...On second thought, it's not really appropriate now, so we'll just leave it up.

PS to the PPS: Actually, we will leave the post up if something should happen to Artie but remove the part where I say he might kick the bucket out of respect and in its place add ''Thanks for the laughs'' where the kicks-the-bucket part was. Yeah, that's it. That's what we'll do.

'Say what?' does not endorse or encourage cocaine use, Artie Lange on cocaine, Artie Lange off cocaine, Randy Jackson on American Idol, Conan O'Brien's anus, Hillary Clinton's laugh, Mitt Romney's street cred, any man named Mitt or celebrity PSAs.

Hillary succeeds where Bill supposedly failed...ha ha ha

JD's quote:


On HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher, Bill has an odd but entertaining conversation with country music legend Merle Haggard. During this meeting of the minds, Bill manages to quickly and cleverly segue from Haggard's supposed support of Hillary Clinton to Merle's reference to pot in his hit song Okie from Muskogee...then Merle brings that entertaining discussion back around to Hillary. The conversation made the twist when Bill mentioned Willie Nelson, as Nelson IS the premiere pot-smoking country music icon. Then, the following:

Bill: But I know Willie is a very good friend of yours, I mean certainly you must have been around marijuana.

Merle: Oh, I've been around it. In fact, uh, we met Hillary, she came in Willie's bus and, and uh, of course, uh,...uh, she took a big whiff...and I think she inhaled.


Check out this video where Hillary is HILARIOUSLY disingenuous (You know, as opposed to just being annoyingly disingenuous like normal):