Sorry, the post office decides how much your average, local prostitute's rates are. . . (Quotes from SNL's Weekend Update)

Pictured above are Tina Fey on the left and Amy Poehler on the right.

Lucy's Quotes:

I've had some spare quotes hanging around from SNL's fake news segment, Weekend Update-my favorite segment since Cas Walker was the anchor and the only weekly host was Art Linkletter. It's been a long time is what I'm saying. Anyway, let's look back on some of the great lines of SNL's Weekend Update segment that I've wrongly and embarrassingly left unused. Here they are from many years of anchorpersons:

Chevy Chase:

''The post office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.''

Colin Quinn:

''In international news, the Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But, you know, that's probably just the booze talking.''

Colin Quinn:

''England's Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their fifty-second wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic, candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''A new article in Vanity Fair says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, 'My Life', in time for his deadline. It's not really surprising since you can only type so fast using one hand.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''Researchers have found that Bottlenose Dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out Vampire Dolphins.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''Scientists say the detection of particles of West Nile Virus in the breast milk of a Michigan woman earlier this month is not cause for alarm. Though just to be on the safe side, they are warning Michigan residents not to suck the woman's nipples.''

Amy Poehler:

''Poland's Prime Minister, Donald Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish Submarines.''

Amy Poehler:

''According to a new survey, 67% of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners.''

Seth Meyers:

''A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: If you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.''

Seth Meyers:

''John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host, Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, without once mentioning McCain's middle name- Methuselah.''

Tina Fey:

''Starting March twenty-ninth, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly because the Irish are known for their easygoing tempers and their respect for authority.''

Tina Fey:

''Supermodel, Cindy Crawford is furiously denying Shaquille O'Neal's claim that he and Crawford have had sex. Although, it is a bit suspicious that Crawford was recently torn in half.''


Tina Fey:

''A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday, after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were ''teaching tools''. Said the professor, ''Teach that bitch to cheat on me.'' ''

I hope you've enjoyed these cute bits and bobbles of SNL's news quotes. To recap, we (SNL and I) have basically discussed prostitution, suckling adults, murder, freakish sex injuries, drug use and offended the Irish, twice. A one-post record for me. We've also offended the Poles and there was some imagery of Bill Clinton masturbating. So,...my work here is done. I am ready for a nap.

Click here to see all 'Say what?' SNL quote posts. (Although, I'm loath to admit it, JD actually grabbed the first quote we've done from SNL even though he almost never watches it.)

It Could Almost Be Real News From Georgia

Lucy's quote:

~ Jimmy Fallon getting authoritative on SNL's Weekend Update.




Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update has been featured on many posts at Say what? and as you all know, I plan to do many more in the future. It's my thing. Also, I'm somewhat obsessed with Jimmy Fallon, another one of my things. I love Jimmy Fallon so much I sat through Taxi all the way to the credits. Yeah, I know, that's dedication. If I weren't so lazy I'd go into full stalker mode too. Oh yeah, I would. Anyway, here's another great quote from SNL's most adorable anchor ever.



Jimmy Fallon as Weekend Update anchorman Jimmy Fallon:



''This week, Georgia's board of education approved the plan that allows teachers to keep using the word ''evolution'' when teaching biology. Though, as a comprise, dinosaurs are now called ''Jesus horses''.''



As my title implied, if I heard this on a real news broadcast...I doubt it would surprise me much. I can almost see president Bush now, addressing that issue at a speech squinting up at a podium all smug-like going ''Hey, heh, why not call 'em Jesus horses? I mean, that's what they were, right? Science can't disprove it so it's obviously a valid theory, heh.''... He means well. That's the important thing.

PS: Great, big, ecstatic praise and congratulations to Jimmy Fallon on the official or unofficial plans to take over for Conan O'Brien on Late Night when Conan takes over for Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. My sources going through Jimmy's garbage cans for me say it's true, so, you know.

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The mother of all Mother's Day quotes

Lucy's quote:



~Tina Fey with 30 Rock co-star Tracy Morgan



Ninjitsu master Tina Fey does it for me again-a nausea inducing belly laugh on my favorite piece of weekend TV-SNL's Weekend Update. Catch Tina Fey and former Weekend Update cohort Amy Poehler on their new movie Baby Mama. Allow me to quote JD here. JD told me the stars of the movie make it ''the only way I'd ever watch a chick flick about reproductive hijinks''. That's a direct quote. I however will always watch a chick flick reproductive hijinks film. I can't get enough of them. The fact that Amy and Tina are the stars is just gravy. Read about Baby Mama here: Baby Mama Synopsis - Moviefone

* Fun fact: When I was nine, I embarked on a misguided attempt to get pregnant by pretending my pillow was David Cassidy. It's a long story and it didn't work but this personal historical detail may allow you to fully appreciate why I like movies about so-called reproductive hijinks.

Tina Fey on SNL's Weekend Update as Queen anchorperson:

''The FDA this week approved the first ever transdermal patch for the treatment of depression. Simply remove the backing and press the patch firmly over your mother's mouth.''



Take that mothers! I'm kidding mom...really.




Today's post is brought to you by:

The Chromium-Diabetes connection: Do you know about GTF?

Oh, no, hoeno, not again! (More Saturday Night Live quotes from Weekend Update)

~ Seth Meyers of SNL
Lucy's quotes:

Yes again, my friend, again. If not now, then when? Have I been reading Dr. Seuss books? No, I just get giddy when I do an SNL post, that's all. Especially when it's about (Sound the trumpets) my favorite segment, Weekend Update. I've restrained myself for long enough. I just can't stay away from the WU. So, here are some of the last lines that got a belly laugh from me. Keep in mind, each belly laugh is worth 6 points to the anchor reading it, so Jimmy Fallon is still up by several points. Sorry, it's the way we do it. Here they are:

1. Current Anchor Seth Meyers:

Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are denying rumors that they have become lovers. Apparently the rumor got started when I imagined it.

2. Also from Seth Meyers:

Many BlackBerry users are now reporting feeling vibrations when they are not holding their devices. In an effort to combat these phantom sensations, makers of the BlackBerry suggest you stop doing cocaine.

3. Former Anchor and most recently host Tina Fey:

Police in Illinois are looking for a 75-year-old woman who gets around with a cane and a portable oxygen cart. Because she's accused of scamming car dealers by bouncing checks. Officials say that by now, the old lady could be anywhere within an eight foot radius.

4. Also from Tina Fey:

Ingvar Kamprad, the Swedish man who founded IKEA has overtaken Bill Gates as the World's richest man, with a fortune of $53 billion dollars. He plans to use the money to ''finally buy some nice furniture.''

5. And finally, from my favorite former anchor, Jimmy Fallon:

For the first time, the annual event ''Gay Day'' in which homosexuals gather at Disneyland, was held at Euro Disney in Paris. It was the largest gathering of gay men in Paris since the day before.

~ Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon on SNL's Weekend Update

I heard that (A Jimmy Fallon quote)

Lucy's quotes:

As you all may know by now...we love the deeply quotable Weekend Update segment from SNL, and they have had and continue to have many perfect stand alone jokes. So, we often quote them one joke at a time so they have a chance to dig into your brain and sit a while. Can ya dig it?
From my favorite incarnation of WU, the Fey/Fallon team, here's one from that dear, sweet boy Jimmy Fallon:


Jimmy:

Stevie Wonder is being sued for over forty million dollars by an ex-girlfriend who claims the singer agreed to support her after he gave her genital herpes. In response, Stevie said ''I have never seen that woman before in my life.''


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...

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This just in: Experts say, that if you're feeling froggy, DON'T JUMP!

Lucy's quotes:

Which one is which?


Will Ferrell was only one of the SNL players to do a George W. Bush impression. In case you're one of the readers who don't know George, he is the current president of Texas. Will may not have been known for the art of straight impressions but he did master the ''W'' vibe. You know the one, the ''I'm much smarter in real life than on camera'' thing. ''Hey America, the camera adds ten pounds and takes away 30 IQ points.'' SNL's political humor has benefited so much from ''W''. SNL will miss George like JD will miss Larry Merchant.

Will Ferrell as George W. Bush:

''And, don't forget France. The French don't like me sayin' ''Axis of Evil''. So, guess what? They are now part of the very same Axis of Evil, that they don't like me sayin'. How do ya like them apples France? Next time, you keep your mouth shut. You mess with Texas and it's straight to the Axis of Evil. Got it?''

That's right France, watch your ass. We will absolutely bomb you. We roll like that. As a matter of fact, the CIA is well aware of your attack on America. We've got files on your military operation ''Le Katrina''. You're goin' down! You hate us for our Freedom! Or, we'll attack Sweden, there's probably some French people there. Europeans are all connected...

I just did NOT see that one coming (The devastating Tina Fey quote)

Lucy's quote:

Tina Fey delivered some of the most brutal lines of SNL's Weekend Update and did it with the kind of skillful sarcasm you have to learn in a Ninjitsu class. In some special Ninja cults, they actually worship Tina Fey, true story. Anyway, here she is with some important health information from WU:

Master Tina: ''In Women's Health News, the FDA announced that it has approved ''NuvaRing'', a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen. Just like Michael Jackson's penis.''



VS...No doubt Tina would put the smack down on Michael, is there?...I mean, come on.

The negative impact of Irish culture...heheheh

Lucy's quote:

~Any excuse to put up a Jimmy Fallon picture, you know me.

Jimmy Fallon, the cutest man ever on SNL..not counting Chris Kattan but that's really not the same breed of cute...Anyway, here's Jimmy setting back Irish culture a hundred years by exposing their most unsavory element:

The ironically Irish Jimmy Fallon: Workmen in Dublin have dug up a mysterious stone and metal box archaeologists believe is a time capsule, buried 200 years ago. Though it has not been opened, many hope it contains Ireland's long lost ''Good Recipes''.


Oh, snap! Aww yeah, he said it! Take that Mrs. O'Lorcan for slamming my lemon chicken! That oughta take you Irish folks down a few notches after JD threw ya'll a bone with that God quote a few days back. I didn't want you getting a bigger head over it...

...

...That goes double for you Mrs. O'Lorcan...I'm watching you.

Lucy VS Mrs. O'Lorcan continues in this post months later:

http://hoeno.blogspot.com/2008/07/future-technological-culinary.html

While you do THAT, you can massage the grapes. . .wink, wink, nudge, nudge

Lucy's quotes:


~Horatio Sanz as Saddam Hussein

~Jimmy Fallon on SNL's Weekend Update

~ Chris Parnell (On the right) in the infamous Cowbell sketch

Every year or two, some jerk gets clever and writes an article with a title along the lines of ''Saturday Night Dead'' making an obvious pun on Saturday Night Live. Still, even though I don't watch EVERY SNL episode, not a year goes by when I don't come across at least a few new sketches that I never forget.

Forrrrrrr instance, I'll never forget the cork soaking sketch. Of this much, I am sure. If I'm a senile old lady at age 134 and I can't remember the name of any of my 78 cats which I'm sure I'll be living with by then, I'll still remember the entire cork soaking sketch. I'll know everyone involved, like host/musical guest Janet Jackson who couldn't keep a straight face trying to avoid the obvious implied words and of course Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon, who could rarely keep a straight face EVER when in the same sketch together.



The setting: A tour group is being lead through the workings of a vineyard, you see. The vineyard is either in Italy or just run by an italian family, something like that. Jimmy Fallon plays ''Marcello'' and Horatio plays ''Giuseppe'' and they are the tour guides. They bring the crowd into the place where they, ahem, soak the corks for the wine bottles. Here's a quote from this completely, squeaky clean, non-vulgar sketch:

Chris Parnell as ''tour group guy'': Do you ever run out of corks to soak?

Jimmy/Marcello: Oh, uh yeah, I'll never forget this one vintage was unusually large and I thought Giuseppe would need extra corks.

Horatio/Giuseppe: And I thought Marcello would need more corks.

Jimmy/Marcello: So, we soaked each other's corks at the same time. Remember that?

Horatio/Giuseppe: Can you imagine that? Me soaking his cork while he soak mine? . . .Oh boy

Jimmy/Marcello: Yeah, yeah

Horatio/Giuseppe: What year was that?

Jimmy/Marcello: What year? The year we soaked each other's corks?

Horatio/Giuseppe: Yeah

Jimmy/Marcello: Yeah, that was what? It was like sixtyyy..., late sixties right?

Horatio/Giuseppe: Yeah, yeah.

Jimmy/Marcello: Sixtyyy-eight?

Horatio/Giuseppe: I want to say seventy. . .

. . .

Jimmy/Marcello: . . . Now, you're sure it wasn't earlier than that?

Horatio/Giuseppe: Eh well, it was some time around there.

Jimmy/Marcello: Let's just say between 68' and 70', okay?



For years I will remember the goofy look on Maya Rudolph's face when she enters the room and Rachel Dratch as a very old, experienced soaker of corks. It's a classic. Right up there with Dana Carvey getting down with the pepper mill, which I dream about at least one night a week. That was hot.

Just one of the things that can ruin a marriage (Medical advice from Leon Phelps)

JD's quotes:

One of my favorite SNL characters was Leon Phelps-The Ladies' Man. He doles out advice during a call-in show with a lisp, some Courvoisier cognac and a 1970s fashion sense. One of the funniest things about Leon is that even though he is clearly a womanizer as well as an idiot, he genuinely is trying to help people. He's really trying to be a good guy and solve problems. . . He's a little bit like a black, swinger version of Dr. Phil.

SNL survivor, Tim Meadows as The Ladies' Man Leon Phelps helping a distraught male caller:


''Yeah, your wang is scared. I suggest that you get over it soon before your wife hooks up with someone with a more courageous wang.''

. . . Thanks, Leon. We'll all fight the dreaded wang fear that has been destroying marriages for hundreds of years! Sorry to be so dramatic but wang fear is a very serious and dramatic subject. I promise to keep it lighter in the next post. I hate dragging people down.

Jimmy Fallon clears up a zoological misnomer

JD's quotes:

This quote is from SNL Weekend Update's former anchor Jimmy Fallon. He may never have been able to keep a straight face but he did care about accuracy when he read the news, doggone it!




''Actually, to be accurate, they only became flying squirrels after the explosion.''




PS: Lucy would like to add that she's the big SNL fan of the two of us, and that it was pure fluke that I'm the one posting this one. You snooze, you lose, Lucy.