The Tao of Calamity (More quotes from Deadwood)

~Above is the woman behind the role of Calamity Jane on HBO's Deadwood. Cleans up nice, doesn't she?


JD and Lucy's quotes:

As promised, we have more Deadwood. Today, it's all Jane. What a character is that Calamity Jane on HBO's potently quote-worthy series Deadwood. The lovely Robin Weigert plays the less-than-lovely Jane with a hilarious flash anger that often results in the Deadwood buzzword ''C**ksucker''.

Jane carries a gun, likes her liquor, treats cursing like a language all its own and usually looks to be encrusted in dirt but it doesn't stop her from nursing the sick or protecting those in need of a protector. Below are some assorted and moderately censored (with asterisks) lines from this colorful character:


9 Encounters with Calamity:

1.
Jane: Maybe I will have a f**kin' drink, just for sociability's sake and cause I'm a f**kin' drunk.
Kim Dickens as Joanie Stubbs: Well, what's your preference?
Jane: That it ain't been previously swallowed.

2.
Brad Dourif as Doc Cochran: Well you ARE an EN-tangled inebriate are you not?
Jane: This happens to be a rig and contraption of my own devising against repeated accidental falls that has temporarily malfunctioned.

3.
County Commissioner Jarry imprisoned at the local jail: I'm thirsty.
Jane: Lie on your back, take aim and piss.

4.
''What the F**K you lookin' at?!!! . . . Like HE'S a f**kin' Adonis.''

5.
Calamity Jane meets a long pause after telling an embarrassing story to Charlie Utter (Dayton Callie) and Sheriff Bullock (Timothy Olyphant):

''Fella in Livingston went sweet on me... Finnish Feller from Finland, hardly spoke f**kin' English. Brought me flowers and some dry food they like there and uh one night, he takes my arm and he starts in and he uh whispers in his-in his Finland accent ''I wanna suck your c**k.''. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .What d'ya f**kin' think a that?''


6.
''Question I wake to in the morning and pass out with at night-'What's my popularity with my fellow white people?' ''

7.
''I dreamed last night, I was clamorin' up a f**kin' creek bank...which is often required of a drunk.''

8.
''Refined spirits'll sometimes convulse me.''

9. Jane on one of her frequent drunken rants:

''People are f**kin' people and that is f**ked up. You don't know what the f**k I'm talking about, cause you don't know people.''

Bill Cosby buzzkills us all with a good point

JD's quotes:




In Bill Cosby's famous ''Bill Cosby, Himself'' stand-up special he did a lot of famous material. Many can't go to a dentists without thinking of Doctor Cosby and some can't live one day with children without thinking of this routine, especially when a child utters the phrase ''I don't know'' in a pathetic, brain-damaged sort of way. Cosby also does a bit about drugs where he poses this question (which several annoying celebrity icons should ask themselves):




''And I said to a guy, I said uh- ''Tell me, you know, what is it about cocaine, that makes it so wonderful?'' and the guy said ''Well, . . . it intensifies your personality.'' and I said ''Yes, but what if you're an A--hole?''

Hey, wait a minute, does that mean that us folks with real nice personalities should maybe-never mind, it was just a thought, I won't bring it up again. Forget I even said anything.


Check out Cosby doing his classic dentist routine from Bill Cosby, Himself:

A poor review of the comic stylings of Muhammad Ali

JD's quotes:

The Muhammad Ali VS Ernie Terrell fight in 1967 is now known as the ''What's my name?'' fight. About a week after the fight took place ABC's Wide World of Sports saw Howard Cosell and Muhammad Ali watching a tape of the fight and discussing it. They watched selected rounds from the fight only, not the full bout. This review saw one of many funny exchanges between the legendary heavyweight champion and the accomplished sports journalist.

Howard Cosell and Muhammad Ali's verbal exchanges were frequently amusing as Ali found an often sympathetic but not at all submissive man in the media.

During the ABC presentation with Cosell and Ali sitting in chairs next to each other, and watching the fight together, after Ali gives an answer Cosell finds well put:

Cosell: You are NOT a stupid boy. Let's look at rounds-

Ali speaking over him: Thank you Howard, you're not as dumb as you look

Cosell: . . . Let's look at rounds 14 and 15 . . .They should be coming up in just a second . . . Stop smiling-you're not so funny.

This was followed by Ali and Cosell chuckling at themselves.

Lycopersicon esculentum salsiconnicus applicipus es gluteus maximus

JD's quotes:


Pardon my Latin. Anyway, having received a request for quotes from The Sopranos, I thought I'd give you my favorite.


HBO's 'The Sopranos': James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano

Tony: What is that?
Irina [His Russian girlfriend]: Chicken Soup for the Soul
Tony: Should read 'Tomato sauce for your ass', it's the Italian version.




Check out yet another hilarious Mad TV parody, this time being The Sopranos on the PAX network:

A prepared statement from former Sheriff Con Stapleton:

JD's quotes:


We've had a request for more Deadwood quotes, so we'll do a few this week now that I've had a chance to rewatch several episodes. Check out our new Completely Inane Blog Survey this week on the right hand side of the screen and vote for your least likable character. As far as the survey goes, keep in mind, the actors may be great, I'm just talking about the characters, that's all.

This quote is from a scene where Con Stapleton, Cy Tolliver's henchman and former Deadwood Sheriff stands outside the room of an actress who'd previously sunken just low enough to get jiggy with him. He pulls out a piece of paper to read from and recites a romantic plea to her door.


Peter Jason as Con Stapleton on HBO's brilliantly written and poorly ended series, Deadwood:


''I prayed it would pass...but it's a constant f*ckin' sore spot N' throb. You are a constant vision before me...you and your fabulous bosoms. I beg you, release your Man-Stallion from his He-Stable for another gallop 'round the ring.''





Stay tuned for more Deadwood quotes this week, although most won't be quite as sentimental...it IS Deadwood after all.