A salute to the great intentional and unintentional lines of real life and great fiction. A blend of the funniest and most accurate quotes on the web, old, new and in between. Quotes from TV, Movies, Stand-up acts, books, etc. See if a line that stuck in your head shows up. Please leave comments and tell us what you like and what you want to see. Thanks for stopping by.
Sincerely,
JD & Lucy
Today's quote is from the very funny children's show for adults-My Name Is Earl. MNIE stars Jason Lee as the title character and I can't remember who plays his mustache. So, here's the scene...Earl has been put in prison, unlike jail, which he's well accustomed to. He's out in the yard where the weights are, trying to steal a pair of sunglasses from one of the skinhead white supremacists so he can make a shiv out of it. Two skinheads are talking, and this is the part of the conversation we get to hear:
White Supremacist inmate one: How 'bout you? Would you hate Martin Luther King more if he'd been Indian?
White Supremacist inmate two: ...Okay, yeah. I'd hate him more if he'd been Indian. Unless he was Cherokee...A Cherokee once saved my black grandpa from drowning...Oops.
And this has been...another intellectual moment from the white supremacists. Stay tuned next time as they ask themselves if white onions are superior to red and yellow ones,... since even the white ones have colored tops. Does the green part make them impure? Hmm...find out next week with some of the top academic authorities of the white supremacist movement.
Artie Lange stopped by Late Night With Conan O'Brien one night to do the worst PSA since ...since Max Weinberg's PSAs on the same show...Late Night has an interesting PSA track record now that I think about it. Artie has this great way of making Conan extremely uncomfortable. Artie talks about drugs and bashes other celebrities that Conan either has or likely will talk to and tries to get Conan in on it. This entertains us. Oh, yeah it does. Artie came on right after Randy Jackson of American Idol left and Artie had to ask Conan if he shared Artie's anger over the fact that someone like Randy was important in the business, as if Conan's going to jump in on that sentiment. Artie then begins on his cocaine comedy while Conan's poor anus becomes sealed shut so tight he'll need a crowbar to break wind for at least the rest of that evening. Artie's best line is this lovely bit of druggie wisdom:
''This is advice for the kids. Only do coke if you're good lookin'. It sucks doin' cocaine when you're ugly, 'cause every time you do a line, you gotta see your face in the mirror.''
Bad Artie! Bad! PS: In this instance PSA doesn't stand for ''prostate-specific antigen'' but rather Public Service Announcement, like it used to mean back in the day. PPS: Also, if Artie Lange overdoses or something like that and kicks the bucket, we will probably take this post off because it won't be appropriate...On second thought, it's not really appropriate now, so we'll just leave it up. PS to the PPS: Actually, we will leave the post up if something should happen to Artie but remove the part where I say he might kick the bucket out of respect and in its place add ''Thanks for the laughs'' where the kicks-the-bucket part was. Yeah, that's it. That's what we'll do. 'Say what?' does not endorse or encourage cocaine use, Artie Lange on cocaine, Artie Lange off cocaine, Randy Jackson on American Idol, Conan O'Brien's anus, Hillary Clinton's laugh, Mitt Romney's street cred, any man named Mitt or celebrity PSAs.
Because of somebody's wisenheimer crack about how I do far less posting than JD, I've started posting a lot more this month, thank you very much. I hope you've all noticed. Well, there was a moment on Live with Regis and Kelly Ripa that I couldn't let go unquoted. Although they were cutting in on each other and laughing as usual, here's the quote of their conversation, as directly as it can be:
Regis: I'm getting nervous about the Academy Awards-
Kelly: Do not be nervous. You are gonna rock the hizzay!
Regis: Well, here's what I'm nervous about...rock the what?
Kelly: Hizzay.
Regis: What does that mean?
Kelly: It means 'house'. Say 'hizzay'. The stars will like it; they'll think you're dope.
Regis: Hizzay! Hizzay means house?
Kelly: Hizzay.
Regis: Really?
Kelly: Yes, in Snoop Dog language, yeah.
Regis: Oh, okay.
Regis: Hey, I wonder if Snoop Dog is gonna be there. Sometimes he shows up at these things.
Kelly: Probablizzay, ... I'm here all week.
Regis: Ahhh, that Snoopy guy.
Priceless. I love those two. I love them so much that I hope the phrase ''big pimping'' gets turned into ''big pipping'' in honor of Kelly and her ability to teach hip hop culture to the daytime TV crowd. If it's possible to make Big Daddy Reege any cooler, Kelly may have done it. Tomorrow on Live: Kelly teaches the audience how to keep it crunk!
Well, it was bound to happen again guys and gals. It's another post about everybody's favorite pill-popping, stubble-growing, sneaker-wearing, mind-game playing, wisecracking, limping genius today. Of course, I mean Hugh Laurie's character Gregory House, M. D. on Fox.
1. Dr. Allison Cameron (played by Jennifer Morrison): Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a 6 foot long hose shoved into your large intestine? House: No. But I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college. 2. Cameron to House: Maybe Between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could've tipped me off! 3. Hannah-the patient of the week (Played by Jayma Mays): I've got the plague?
House: Don't worry, it's treatable. Being a bitch though, nothing we can do about that. 4. House: I need you to sleep with Wilson Lisa Edelstein as WHHA*, Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Wish I could help but, as administrator, there are some people in accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with first. 5. House: Stop that Jew! 6. House: Foreman must have a touch like an elephant. 7. Anne Dudek as conniving young doctor, Amber Volakis: Hi Greg...and I call you Greg because we are now social equals.
House: I call you Cutthroat Bitch...well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.
8. Amber: Dr. Cuddy, I'm Amber Volakis, one of House's new fellows.
Dr. Cuddy:Sexual Harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through workers' comp and any accusations of criminal activities go directly to the Princeton Plainsborough Police Department.
9. House: Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
10. House: Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose.
11. House to Foreman: Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I take mine black, the way I take my brain damaged neurologists.
12. House: I'm a really good secret keeper. I never told anybody that Wilson wets his bed.
13. Robert Sean Leonard as Dr. James Wilson: You don't like her, because she's a psychiatrist.
House: Mmm,I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many reasons
Wilson: Never before has a profession been so decried by someone who needed it so badly.
House: You talk a lot of smack about tranny hookers.
14. Wilson: Why am I here?
House: Because I wanna ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is or you'd have told me her name.
Wilson: She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth defect.
House: There's only about 12 people we both know and I can't remember 5 of their names. So, we're down to Cuddy, your ex-wives-
Wilson: Your momma
Later that episode:
15. House: If that's what love is, then I don't want anything to do with it.
Wilson: Starts with warm feet but leads to other things. Your mom and I will explain when you're older.
16. House: She's a needy version of me.
Wilson: It's hard to imagine such a mythical creature.
17. Omar Epps as Dr. Eric Foreman: He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her.
Wilson: It's House's version of courtship.
Foreman: Oh, God. He's been wooing me for years.
18. Wilson: ''Are you okay?''
House: It's a valid medical question.
Wilson: I have never heard you ask a patient that ques-you've never asked me that question and you've seen me fall down a flight of stairs drunk.
19. House to Wilson: Any minute now, she's gonna hit him in the face with your testicles.
20. House to Wilson again: You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves-...Oh, my God...You're sleeping with me.
Special Note: WHHA stands for World's Hottest Hospital Administrator. If you have information that she no longer carries this title, please let us know.
Check out this hilarious House Parody on MAD TV even though it's an overly dark, poor quality, gratuitous youtube video and it's a shameless ploy we use to make our site more visually appealing for free (Speak of this to no one):
Major Payne is the story of a military man who has been dropped from the military because they don't need him anymore...because he already killed all the enemies and killing is just the only thing he's good at doing. Payne is a social misfit outside the military but luckily gets a kind of military gig, working as the head of an ROTC program. His new mission is to train children of all ages to win the Virginia Military Games for the Madison Preparatory School. Major Payne is played by Damon Wayans, famous for his characters on In Living Color like Homey D. Clown and his sitcom with Tisha Campbell My Wife & Kids. Here, he plays alongside Karyn Parsons as the school counselor, Emily Walburn. Karyn also played Hilary Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Here are some quotes and a video from Major Payne:
1. Major Payne to a cadet with a dog: You know, there ain't no pets allowed on these here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.
Cadet: Yeah, well, maybe that doesn't apply to me. He's my blind seeing eye dog.
Major Payne: What in the world would anybody want with a blind dog?
2. Major Payne to his youngest cadet after he pees himself: You think your tears'll stop Charlie from takin' his bayonet and stickin' it in your little tiny heart?
3. Major Payne to his complaining cadets as they try to run the obstacle course: You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between sh!t and syphillis.
My favorite:
4. Karyn Parsons as Emily Walburn: You see, now you're dealing with children, and children have special needs. Do you know what positive reinforcement means?
Major Payne: Is that anything like where you take a P.O.W. and you snap his neck after you torture him so he don't have to go through life with a colostomy bag?
Emily: . . . Sort of.
Check out this hilarious bedtime story from Major Payne as told to Tiger, played by Orlando Brown:
JD was born on ruby Tuesday shortly after the great bifurcated rivet shortage of Denmark. It was nearly 19 years afterwards that he stumbled upon the idea of lukewarm fusion when staring really closely into the microwave during the great chocolate pop tart with peanut butter disaster of Northern America. Bla, bla, bla, then he realized elephants weren't meant for that kind of work, yadda, yadda, yadda and was unceremoniously kicked out of the Navel Orange Force and moved to the country where he now counts toothpicks, runs a blogger recovery support group and occasionally suffers from a painful weenis inflammation for which there is no known cure (other than gin and orange juice with some crushed ice and lots of love).
Lucy's brief biography:
Lucy was born in the mid to late or beginning part of a decade when the solstice was just shy of extemporaneous. Once she realized that she was not to be the next Lita Ford, she figured she would raise cats for no monetary reimbursement and blog about stuff. Somewhere in between she negotiated the Kittimer Accords and found a linty lozenge on MLK BLVD, therefore inspiring her to invent a fuel system for an automobile that worked only on water and eucalyptus oil. Anyway, she now dyes her hair Cayenne Red from the oo-that-burns-so-good dye manufacturer and spends much of her time petitioning to get Welcome Back, Kotter on the air again from her log cabin home in Inglesby, Minnesota.
Special Note on beliefs of the authors: BOTH blog authors firmly believe that the love you take is only equal to the love you make under the condition of Dingham's law when the transitive thermodynamic appendix of subatomic maturation will not exceed or succeed the rate of any kind of demolecularized convex or pyrexed dithyroxin monoparliamentary anti-romanticide solution of no greater than 3% by volume. So, although we're cool with the philosophical notion set forth by the lyric, we can under no uncertain terms purport that this circumstance circumvents or circumnavigates any potential scenario. So, in other words, if a nonlinear dispersible wave is non-invasive or perpetually inept as a magnitude of its own groovitational pull (see; groove theory of relativity by Korean doctor Thyn Wyte Dook), then it is truly polarized in a fashion of dynamic tubular Carbuncle Units Apt Sans statistical analyses of said unified physics or ''sunshine units''. Therefore, you can't really make that much love and you're left with some kind of an asymptomatic doodad for your undercover thunder-rolling if you catch our drift. Ask Stephen Hawking. He knows. He talked it over with Paul McCartney on that last PBS science special.
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~The cast of My Name Is Earl
