Bill Maher on why it's funny

Lucy's quotes:



On Friday's new Real Time With Bill Maher, Bill has managed to get his show onto Say what? for their fourth appearance with not only a funny joke but by explaining it to everyone who already gets it. I love it when he does that to amuse himself. It gives me the wicked giggles.


Bill Maher in his monologue after mentioning that Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing in his speeches:

''You know, politicians, they all steal. We found this out 'cause they investigated it this week now that it became an issue. In her closing statement, she ripped off something...that Bill Clinton used to say. And he got it from Kennedy, who got it from FDR, who got it from Lincoln, who got it from McCain. ...He's old!''

Okay comedians, we get it. You have to exaggerate some specific trait of each person in the news, including politicians. We get that. But, be careful though. Some people tried to portray Bill ''Slick Willie'' Clinton as a dumb hillbilly at first but he turned out to be pretty clever. What if you make fun of John McCain for being old and he gets into office and we all get to know him better and realize that-oh. Okay, I guess that one can't really backfire. Never mind, go ahead, he's really old, stick with that one...good choice.

Remembering Mitch Hedberg: Quotes from his act

JD's quotes:





Mitch Hedberg gave us a boatload of trippy humor before dying young. Because Mitch had a great and unique delivery and some jokes that just weren't funny unless he was the one saying them, it's hard to keep in mind that Mitch was an ingenious architect of silly discussions. When Mitch would tell one of his simpler jokes, he often would endearingly say something along the lines of ''Yeah, that was a dumb joke, I know.'' I looked it up and Mitch would've been 40 years-old today. Let's look back on some of Mitch's lines over the years and have a laugh in memory of the offbeat comic who rarely showed up without his sunglasses:



Mitch Hedberg on drugs:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used ta too.

You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black light popped up over his head?

I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.

Mitch on food:

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. 'Cause maybe they're just as good and w-w-we're wasting time.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said ''nooo, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeaahh.''



Mitch on animals:


Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

I find that ducks' opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or a really cool opotamus?



Mitch on dental topics (He brought them up often):

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say ''You're home!''

I was gonna have my teeth whitened but then I said F**k that, I'll just get a tan instead.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar but that sh!t's under control.

I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in sh!t.


Mitch's miscellaneous musings:


I haven't slept for ten days because, that would be too long.

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

I like an escalator man 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.



Check out Mitch as a patient on the fittingly strange and whimsical animated comedy Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist starring another favorite of mine, Jonathan Katz:

Skinhead White Supremacists contemplate complex sociological implications in a philosophical capacity with... just a touch of sentimentality

JD's quotes:

~The cast of My Name Is Earl

Today's quote is from the very funny children's show for adults-My Name Is Earl. MNIE stars Jason Lee as the title character and I can't remember who plays his mustache. So, here's the scene...Earl has been put in prison, unlike jail, which he's well accustomed to. He's out in the yard where the weights are, trying to steal a pair of sunglasses from one of the skinhead white supremacists so he can make a shiv out of it. Two skinheads are talking, and this is the part of the conversation we get to hear:

White Supremacist inmate one: How 'bout you? Would you hate Martin Luther King more if he'd been Indian?

White Supremacist inmate two: ...Okay, yeah. I'd hate him more if he'd been Indian. Unless he was Cherokee...A Cherokee once saved my black grandpa from drowning...Oops.

And this has been...another intellectual moment from the white supremacists. Stay tuned next time as they ask themselves if white onions are superior to red and yellow ones,... since even the white ones have colored tops. Does the green part make them impure? Hmm...find out next week with some of the top academic authorities of the white supremacist movement.

And in other PSA news...hoeno! It's Artie Lange!

~Artie Lange, from The Howard Stern Show

Lucy's quotes:

Artie Lange stopped by Late Night With Conan O'Brien one night to do the worst PSA since ...since Max Weinberg's PSAs on the same show...Late Night has an interesting PSA track record now that I think about it. Artie has this great way of making Conan extremely uncomfortable. Artie talks about drugs and bashes other celebrities that Conan either has or likely will talk to and tries to get Conan in on it. This entertains us. Oh, yeah it does. Artie came on right after Randy Jackson of American Idol left and Artie had to ask Conan if he shared Artie's anger over the fact that someone like Randy was important in the business, as if Conan's going to jump in on that sentiment.

Artie then begins on his cocaine comedy while Conan's poor anus becomes sealed shut so tight he'll need a crowbar to break wind for at least the rest of that evening. Artie's best line is this lovely bit of druggie wisdom:

''This is advice for the kids. Only do coke if you're good lookin'. It sucks doin' cocaine when you're ugly, 'cause every time you do a line, you gotta see your face in the mirror.''

Bad Artie! Bad!

PS: In this instance PSA doesn't stand for ''prostate-specific antigen'' but rather Public Service Announcement, like it used to mean back in the day.

PPS: Also, if Artie Lange overdoses or something like that and kicks the bucket, we will probably take this post off because it won't be appropriate...On second thought, it's not really appropriate now, so we'll just leave it up.

PS to the PPS: Actually, we will leave the post up if something should happen to Artie but remove the part where I say he might kick the bucket out of respect and in its place add ''Thanks for the laughs'' where the kicks-the-bucket part was. Yeah, that's it. That's what we'll do.

'Say what?' does not endorse or encourage cocaine use, Artie Lange on cocaine, Artie Lange off cocaine, Randy Jackson on American Idol, Conan O'Brien's anus, Hillary Clinton's laugh, Mitt Romney's street cred, any man named Mitt or celebrity PSAs.

Pipa and Big Daddy: The Real Scoop On Their Street Cred

Lucy's quotes:

Because of somebody's wisenheimer crack about how I do far less posting than JD, I've started posting a lot more this month, thank you very much. I hope you've all noticed. Well, there was a moment on Live with Regis and Kelly Ripa that I couldn't let go unquoted. Although they were cutting in on each other and laughing as usual, here's the quote of their conversation, as directly as it can be:

Regis: I'm getting nervous about the Academy Awards-

Kelly: Do not be nervous. You are gonna rock the hizzay!

Regis: Well, here's what I'm nervous about...rock the what?

Kelly: Hizzay.

Regis: What does that mean?

Kelly: It means 'house'. Say 'hizzay'. The stars will like it; they'll think you're dope.

Regis: Hizzay! Hizzay means house?

Kelly: Hizzay.

Regis: Really?

Kelly: Yes, in Snoop Dog language, yeah.

Regis: Oh, okay.

Regis: Hey, I wonder if Snoop Dog is gonna be there. Sometimes he shows up at these things.

Kelly: Probablizzay, ... I'm here all week.

Regis: Ahhh, that Snoopy guy.

Priceless. I love those two. I love them so much that I hope the phrase ''big pimping'' gets turned into ''big pipping'' in honor of Kelly and her ability to teach hip hop culture to the daytime TV crowd. If it's possible to make Big Daddy Reege any cooler, Kelly may have done it. Tomorrow on Live: Kelly teaches the audience how to keep it crunk!