The mother of all Mother's Day quotes

Lucy's quote:



~Tina Fey with 30 Rock co-star Tracy Morgan



Ninjitsu master Tina Fey does it for me again-a nausea inducing belly laugh on my favorite piece of weekend TV-SNL's Weekend Update. Catch Tina Fey and former Weekend Update cohort Amy Poehler on their new movie Baby Mama. Allow me to quote JD here. JD told me the stars of the movie make it ''the only way I'd ever watch a chick flick about reproductive hijinks''. That's a direct quote. I however will always watch a chick flick reproductive hijinks film. I can't get enough of them. The fact that Amy and Tina are the stars is just gravy. Read about Baby Mama here: Baby Mama Synopsis - Moviefone

* Fun fact: When I was nine, I embarked on a misguided attempt to get pregnant by pretending my pillow was David Cassidy. It's a long story and it didn't work but this personal historical detail may allow you to fully appreciate why I like movies about so-called reproductive hijinks.

Tina Fey on SNL's Weekend Update as Queen anchorperson:

''The FDA this week approved the first ever transdermal patch for the treatment of depression. Simply remove the backing and press the patch firmly over your mother's mouth.''



Take that mothers! I'm kidding mom...really.




Today's post is brought to you by:

The Chromium-Diabetes connection: Do you know about GTF?

If this van's a rockin'...bring some Dramamine (An almost-sexy quote from Scrubs)

Lucy's quotes:

Sarah Chalke used to be known mostly for playing Becky Conner on Roseanne, when Alicia ''Lecy'' Goranson wasn't available to do it. Now, Sarah is almost certainly better known as the highly neurotic Dr. Elliot Reid on NBC's Scrubs. While talking about her numerous phobias and quirks, she might be the funniest member of the cast. Here's an instance of her blurting out personal information:

Sarah Chalke as Elliot Reid:

''My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous... Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.''

Scrubs is reportedly slated to come back with a new episode April 10, 2008.

He's not a professor but I bet they wish he was (Humorous Historical Quotes)

JD's quotes:

~ Victoria Woodhull, just one of the historical figures you should know but likely don't, mentioned in Robert Wuhl's second presentation.

~ Former president of the US Franklin Pierce. How great was this guy?...Robert Wuhl thinks he sucked.

~ Britney Spears, according to Robert Wuhl, she could be FAR more important to the benefit of society than Franklin Pierce.

~ Mr. Robert Wuhl, the man who wants you to be as amused by history as he is.


As covered previously, actor Robert Wuhl, formerly star of HBO comedy Arliss was teacher for a day in his college presentation Assume The Position. Well, he had so much fun and so many people appreciated this great presentation of history that he did Assume the position 201 with Mr. Wuhl. The second verse is the same as the first in that it is another humorous presentation assuming the position that history is pop culture. The results are an informed and amused audience both live and at home, yet again. Think Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in the same presidential race is a sign of the modern times? Mr. Wuhl will tell you all about Victoria Woodhull and Frederick Douglass. One of a growing number that thinks our current president is just the worst? Well, Mr. Wuhl tells you about some former presidents that would make you think twice. Here are some of the quotes from Mr. Wuhl's class:

From Wuhl's theory of presidential facial hair:

''Now, in my lifetime, there have been ten different presidents. Some good, some not so good. All of them clean shaven, and none of them could get rid of Castro. His secret? Facial hair!''

While making sure you aren't quick to deem current president George W. Bush as the worst president ever, Mr. Wuhl puts an extra special emphasis on Franklin Pierce. Included in his emphasizing are Pierce's opposing candidates Stephen Douglas and James Buchanan. Douglas was very short and Buchanan was the only American President who was a lifelong bachelor. Wuhl downplays Pierce's victory over these men with this statement:

''This is like beating Mini-Me and Lance Bass.''


Then continues to say:

''How bad was Franklin Pierce? To this day, he remains the only incumbent president in our history not to get his own party's nomination for a second term.''

''How does he respond? Pierce later gets drunk, gets on a horse and drives over a woman, becoming the first president with a DUI.''

Other honorable mentions in his list of lousy presidential terms are Calvin Coolidge, Millard Fillmore and Warren G. Harding. He also says this of John Tyler:

''How committed to the United States was this guy? When he's not re-elected, this motherf**ker switches sides!''

Wuhl on literature:

''...The Scarlet Letter, a love triangle about adultery. It's sort of the original Grey's Anatomy.''

Lastly, Mr. Wuhl on staying positive during America's current hard times:

''I'm an optimist, I really am. I'm a positive person. I always look at the bong as half full.''

When's our third installment Mr. Wuhl? We'll be waiting.

Kirk Cameron's Wide World of Thought

JD's quotes:


VS

~Two men enter, one man leaves. Tickets go on sale Sunday, March ninth, 2008 (Bout was scheduled for y2k but things came up.)


Known to most as Mike Seaver on the sitcom Growing Pains, Kirk Cameron used to be an A-list mega-celebrity. Having shirked mainstream media for the most part, he is now more of a C-List celebrity to the non-nickelodeon crowd these days. Kirk is however, a massive celebrity in certain circles, namely with strict evangelists and hardcore atheists. To them, he is still on the A-list. Why? Well, because he has been deconstructing science with religion since his stint on Growing Pains. Huh? Wait a minute JD, I thought science tends to be the one that deconstructs religion, not the other way around. Well, this is true, science does do that but Kirk puts the old switcharoo on this practice, while offending the intellect of atheists everywhere. Kirk has teamed up with fellow evangelist Ray Comfort and writes regular articles on their website wayofthemaster.com. I friends, have read them all and bring you the humorous highlights, plus my own commentary. Here are the following quotes from Kirk Cameron in his articles (You're Welcome...especially a you're welcome to the fellow atheists out there who don't want to read that crap except for the clearly hilarious parts):


Article source: I'm Going Back to UCLA

''I’m not going to get tied up in intellectual arguments.''

''These students have their high GPA and SAT scores, but I have the answer to death and the roadmap to Heaven.''

''Their minds have been horribly tweaked by the atheist’s fairy tale of evolution and post-modern secular brainwashing. It so reminded me of when I was in school, learning about “science”, the history of the universe, geology, astronomy, etc.''

Yes, ''science'', trying to explain things and use data, understanding and other forms of trickery to get you to believe things about nature and ARRRRGGG, I can't even talk about it! Hulk Smash! I Hulk Smash science! AHHHRRRGGG!!! JD MAD!!!

Article Source: It pays to be a fool for the sake of Christ.

Sure does if there's a collection plate involved.

''I don't like being called or thought of as a religious wing-ding.''

Then you are in the wrong line of work, Kirk. Hey, work, Kirk, that rhymes! Work, Kirk, Wing, Ding. Oh, this is fun.

Article Source: Well done, my good and faithful servant...

"It’s no secret to anyone who knows me, that I am not a brilliant theologian. I’m not an eloquent writer, or even a great speaker.''

No comment.

Article source: Einstein + Sex = God

''Try it yourself. Build a baby from scratch (no cheating with pre-manufactured humans). Baby building is very complex.''


Wait, I see...if it's so complex then there must be a-oh, dang that is one good argument. I didn't even see that one coming.


''It's obvious why the thinking atheist has to admit there must be a God.''


Kirk, you may not actually have ever seen the definition of the word ''atheist'' before.

''So the next time you're speaking with a skeptic, remember this little equation: Einstein + Sex = God. And use it the next time someone asks you for proof for a Creator.''

Equations? Oh, my God, they got to you, didn't they? You're using the sc-sc-sc-science and math of the Devil!


Article Source: Foul Mouths, Frogs, and Magic

''It may be a group of foul mouthed frog killers, or it just might be a friend.''

''To learn how to circumnavigate the intellect (the place of argument) and speak directly to the conscience (the place of the knowledge of right and wrong), please visit our website at http://www.wayofthemaster.com/ ''

Once again, intellect is not way up on Kirk's favorite things during a religious conversation. Besides, how can you think knowledge of any kind could come from a place of intellect? Crazy!


Article Source: Rescue Hero

''I was stopped from being a shellfish rescue hero primarily because of my own pride.''

Article Source: Old MacCameron Had a Farm

''Having chickens has taught me a few things about God.''

Hey, what came first, the God or the egg? The God? Oh, yeah? Well, if there was no egg then how did-aw, forget it.


Article Source: Open Air at a Public High School


''I asked the Rhyme Master if Mike Seaver could say a quick word to the kids, and he turned down the music and handed me the mike.''


Then ensued a fierce, no-holds-barred rap battle with Theo Huxtable and Balki Bartokomous (The heathens otherwise known as Bronson Pinchot and Malcolm-Jamal Warner). Who else is picturing this happening with Kirk wearing some massive bling and a parka? Oh, is it just me? You liars, I know it's not just me.


Article Source: Left Behind III: The Disco Version

''Once again, I'm playing "Buck" and my wife Chelsea plays "Hattie". This time, the Trib Force is doing all they can to slow down the plans of the Nicholae Carpathia to annihilate Christians from the planet (by secretly infecting the majority of Bibles with a highly toxic biological agent like Anthrax and allowing the Trib Force to distribute them to new converts) and bring in his new, one-world government and religion.''

...Finding out that this was actually a real movie made me so...I'm not sure there's a word for it. Gidjubiexcitafantaceous. That's a word that might cover it. This is like finding out they made a Broadway musical of Rambo that I can laugh at. I'm not kidding, once again, this is a real movie, look it up. If you do, you'll be Gidjubiexcitafantaceous too.


Article Source: Could I be Wrong?

''Some people have asked me if I could be wrong about my convictions about God and the Bible. Fair question. While there are many detailed reasons why I believe Jesus is God and the Bible is His Word, here is one simple way to look at it.''

If it's one constant in Kirk's way of thinking, it's that he prefers to keep it simple and not over think things. Even thinking them is bad, let alone over thinking them. Remember, thought is not your friends, kids. Wait for that PSA.


Article Source: Gone Fishing


''As I swung to the subject of God, a little Indian Buddhist girl stepped forward and said "So this is what you do now? You give people money so they'll stand here so you can brainwash them?!" I felt sick. She might as well have said "You're pathetic. I used to like you on TV, but not anymore because you're bribing people to listen to your religious garbage." I swallowed my pride for about 10 more minutes before I packed it in and went home, licking my wounds. I felt terrible, as my fears got the best of me that night.''


''I was determined not to be defeated by a shrimpy little girl, so I went back the next night.''


''In the distance I could see that little Indian Buddhist girl standing on a bench in front of her friends. I ducked behind a tree, but it was too late. She spotted me, ran up and threw her arms around me and yelled in a mocking voice, "Oh Kirk Cameron, where's my free Bible? I want a free Bible!" After shaking off this little distraction (obviously a demonic dart to discourage me again), Johnny and I shared with another group and prayed with a young man to receive the Lord.''


Ugh! These little Indian Buddhist girls always being possessed by Satan and mocking people! I hate that! They're always in the way! You know, the devil does this on purpose, he knows you're less likely to hit girls in public while converting people to Christianity, it looks bad. Crafty, crafty old Beelzebub. If I had a quarter for every time a small Indian Buddhist girl possessed by demonic mojo, mocked me for my beliefs and tried to stop me from my work, I'd have quite a tidy some set aside for retirement.


Article Source: God is Busy... Can I Help You?

Are you there Kirk? It's me, Margaret.

''I went outside and found him a hundred yards away in the parking lot, witnessing to seven or eight very rough looking guys with pierced body parts and tattoos (they were assembling for a midnight drag race with their modified sports cars.''

Uh Oh, what happens?


... ''Without flinching, he asked one guy named "Nate-Dog" if he had kept God's Ten Commandments. He hadn't.''

Since Kirk's whole angle is that nobody who isn't the Lord actually goes without breaking the commandments, it's not surprising that ole Nate-Dog failed, is it?


Article Source: Survival Requirements for a Christian in Hollywood - Part 2

''1. Pray every day -- God always answers prayer. Sometimes He says yes; sometimes He says no; and sometimes He says, "Wait for a minute." ''

...Allow me to translate this statement into George Carlinism ''You can pray to Joe Pesci and achieve the exact same results.'' No wonder he doesn't want you to think, you could talk yourself out of the significance of prayer SO EASILY.

Article Source: The First Time

''Have you heard it? If you have, do you remember the first time? Do you remember when you first heard that passionate preacher with the cool New Zealand accent talking so fast you had to rewind your cassette tape to understand what he actually said?''

Do you think they'll ever do a remake of Happy Days where Fonzie has a New Zealand accent? ...Excuse me, I have something I've got to discuss with Joe Pesci, I'll be back in a minute.

Article Source: Survival Requirements for a Christian in Hollywood - Part 1


''I am grateful to be a Christian in Hollywood. God is doing great things here.''

No kidding! I mean, if I had a dime for every time I thought some hot actress would just never disrobe and they managed to churn out the right script, I'd be rich. Those people are just plain miracle-workers out there...That is what you meant, right?


Article Source: Screamin' Preachers and Honky-tonk Organs

''While I can appreciate this preacher's charisma and athletic ability and the groove of a funky organ riff, I fear what awaits him on the Day of Judgment when he stands before a holy God to give an account of his false teaching.''


And, lastly (though I know you're sad to see it end):

Article Source: Everyday Heroes


''The police had just finished reprimanding them. I had about fifteen minutes, so I approached a group of seven, and noticing that they were all wearing the same blue pants and white shirt combination, I asked them if they had called each other that morning to agree on what to wear. They didn't think my corny joke was funny and continued to stare me down. One explained that it was their school uniform and that they were let out of school early and were killing time. I showed them the "Pink and Blue Optical Illusion" trick and they suddenly were interested in the skinny white kid with the bad sense of humor.''

Kids, they are just so wild about magic tricks. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a teenager or older child say something along the lines of ''Hey, man! You're not cool! Dude, I bet you don't even KNOW any magic tricks!'' I would be a billionaire. Honestly.


PS: You know what's weird? After reading all of his articles...I kind of like the guy. He's alright . . . for a wing-ding.


PPS:

Check out the chosen gratuitous youtube video of Kirk Cameron on Bill O'Reilly's The O'Reilly Factor, where he teams up with Bill to present science as a little loopy and religion as the only logical thought process, then the youtubean presenting it interjects his own arguments in between their dialogue to show you how funny it actually is:

James Spader: Scolding The Boys In Blue (Quotes from The Practice)

~The refreshingly strange James Spader, in all his glory.

JD's quotes:

I've said it before and I'll say it again, The Practice is the best legal drama of them all. Some law shows are great when it comes to the stories and lacking when it comes to the characters. Some have great characters with lackluster storylines. David E. Kelley's The Practice was an all around creative success, to me, striking the perfect balance of interesting legal cases and great characters. I'm not sure what other show could've lost half of its main characters at once, one who was arguably THE star and still roll on with such quality. I cannot praise this show enough. Their addition of James Spader was perfectly fitting and carried on into The Practice's respective spin-off Boston Legal.

James Spader as ''ethically challenged'' attorney Alan Shore from the episode Concealing Evidence:

1. Judge Rodney White (Herb Mitchell) after Alan shows up late to court: Mr. Shore, this is a homicide case, you have better things to do?

Alan: Actually, I was searching for the real killer your honor. With O. J..

2. Alan to the firm: Ignorance is not only bliss, it happens to be constitutional.

3. Client of the week, Karen Evanson (played by Lisa Sheridan): Can I...hug you?
Alan: No! I don't hug clients...I grope them on occasion but I never hug.

4. After the police burst into the practice, officer number 1 says: Did anybody just come in here?

Alan: Six people in fact, dressed in blue.

Officer number 2: We're looking for a man, mid-thirties, jeans, blue jacket. He entered this building.

Alan: Is he a criminal?

Officer 2: He's a homicide suspect.

Alan: Homicide? My God, do you know what you've done? We represent murderers here. It's quite possible the man you speak of came into this building to hire us. With the six of you, guns out-Now he'll never come in. You may very well have cost us business officer. Bad policemen! Very Bad!

Special note: Officer number one was played by that guy from that thing and officer number two was played by, you know the one with the stuff from that place that did all those things. Although the exact names are not known, I hope that cleared it up.