FSM (Fine Swedish Mechanics) Is Proud To Present...

JD's Quotes:

The classic Naked Gun movies always make me laugh. Like the first one, the sequel is so full of sight gags that sometimes it's tough to catch all of the hilarious dialogue happening. The second movie, entitled The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear is a thoroughly Zuckers and Abrahams romp. It stars Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley, George Kennedy, Robert Goulet...and absolutely no one else that may or may not have gone completely batsh!t crazy afterwards (OJ Simpson-who we're pretending wasn't in the film)...Anyhow, among my favorite quotes includes:


1. Lieutenant Frank Drebin (Played by Leslie Nielsen): Like having sex. It's a painstaking, arduous task that seems to go on and on forever and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.


2. Robert Goulet as villain Quentin Hapsburg reveals that he is dating Frank's recent ex, Jane Spencer -played by Priscilla Presley. Frank getting adversarial:

Frank: Well, that's great. I've been dating too. Nice girl. An author. She wrote the book on male sexual dysfunction. You've probably read it.

Quentin: I beg your pardon!

Jane: Frank, please.


Frank: Oh, it's alright, I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely. Just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. poopy pants?!


3. Colleen Fitzpatrick aka singer Vitamin C plays the Lounge singer in the background of a restaurant filled with down-on-their-luck joes, singing the following lyrics:

I'm feelin' blue/just thinkin' of you
I get out of bed/wish I was dead
And I hope you do too

4.

Frank: Hector Savage, from Detroit. Hey, I remember this pug. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.

Ed Hocken (played by George Kennedy): Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.

Guy who wasn't in the movie: Hey, I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.

Frank: No, you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.

Ed: He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin?

That Guy: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember if it was North or South.

Frank: North. South Dakota was his brother, from West Virginia.

Ed: You sure know your boxing.

Frank: Well. All I know is never bet on the white guy.

5.

Frank: That's the red light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging out down there.
Ed: Sex, Frank?
Frank: ...Uh, no, not right now, Ed. Uh, we got work to do.


6. Frank and Ed are questioning an employee in a sex shop played by Gina Mastrogiacomo when another employee played by Jeff Wright enters the front of the store:

Employee/Gina: And why should I tell you, copper?

Frank: Because I'm the last line of defense between sleaze like this and the decent people in this town.

Other Employee/Jeff walking in: Oh, hi Frank. Say, we got that model D-83 Swedish, sure-grip suck machine in that you ordered.


7. In the final battle between good and evil, the villain talks to the hero, keeping him at gunpoint:

Quentin: That's as far as you go, Drebin. Any final requests, Lieutenant?
Frank: Yes. Can I have the gun?
Quentin: Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall for that one.

~Well,... it was almost diabolical.

Want to see quotes from the first Naked Gun movie? Go here: The Naked Gun: From the files of Police Squad!

Jesse Metcalfe (Backed By Straight Women Everywhere) Gives Fair Warning To Perez Hilton

VS......

VS......

VS......

VS......

VS......

VS......

VS......

VS......

VS......

VS......

Lucy's quotes:

As some of you may know, celebrities typically HATE the king of celebrity gossip bloggers, none other than Perez Hilton. While doing a segment on Perez and company, Headline News channel's Showbiz Tonight showed clips from Hilton's interview on his rocky relationship with celebrities in general. Hilton, spoke of it being okay that he gets sued and accosted, etc. Because, he dishes it out and he can take it. He mentions having been scorned by Nicole Richie, Tara Reid and Jesse Metcalfe. Knowing that he zeroed in on Jesse (aka John Rowland from Desperate Housewives) by trying to ''out'' him as a homosexual whether he was or not, I found his following quote gives me the giggles:

''I had Jesse Metcalfe say that he fantasized about killing me. Twice. He repeated it. As if I didn't hear him the first time.''

Well, it may have incriminated Jesse if it actually happened but at least the idea was funny. I laugh at your misfortune, Perez! Lesson for today? Straight women just don't like it when you try to out Jesse Metcalfe...It's not right, man. Now, if he wanted to do it himself, we've still got Clooney. It's cool, we're covered. It'd be rough, but we'd get by and accept it...Because we've still got Clooney, to reiterate.

Pest Control, How May I Help You? Scamboogahs?!!! Sir, I Think You'd Better Leave The House Until We Get There.

Scamboogah:
Definition:
Noun
A shady, rotten, lowdown, jive-ass turkey.

JD's quotes:

Well, as some of you know, I'm an avid boxing fan. Of all the boxing books I've read, the most readable, no nonsense autobiography to me, was Smokin' Joe, The Autobiography (with Phil Berger). The story is, of course, of boxing great, Joe Frazier. A rare treat, this book was. Frazier has one odd writing quirk. Sometimes he uses hilariously outdated vocabulary as though he were still in the 70's. Using terms like jive and turkey in a way that, at times disoriented me as I thought I was reading the closed captioning on an episode of The Jeffersons. Oddest of all, was the every-other-page use of the word Scamboogah. Joe, born in Beaufort, South Carolina in 1944, grew up with this word and seems to use it whenever he really means S.O.B., or worse.

Caution: If you read this book, you might start using the word Scamboogah too.
This will cause people to look at you funny.

I can't tell you how much I enjoyed Joe's book. I was right in the ring with him. This is a great read about one of boxing's most relentless heavyweight punchers and world champions. The story takes you from Frazier's perplexing early nemesis, Buster Mathis (Senior) and an unusual injury he says may've helped his boxing career, then, all the way to his bitter rivalry with 3 TIME OPPONENT, Muhammad Ali and his retirement due to the physical tolls he'd suffered on the job. Though often sucking you into Frazier's mercilessly competitive mind, there is not a lack of its own humor. The quotes I found the funniest are as follows:






1. During Joe's childhood, he recalls an agricultural mystery:

''In the woods near our house grew a leafy plant. Momma and some of us children would scavenge for this plant, which in those days we called ''musk''. . . don't ask me why. We'd collect the plant and then dry it in the sun. The stuff would crumble and the scent of it would be so strong you could get high on it if you inhaled. This musk, which I figure now must've been tobacco or marijuana, was a cash crop for us.''

~ . . . I'd bet on marijuana, Joe. I'd bet on marijuana.

2. Joe (nicknamed Billy Boy) was like the song, a mannish boy. He reflects on his early onset of manhood:

''Well, he'd be a long time getting that money, a damn long time. And lucky for me these women had daughters. They would spot me in the truck and signal to me. So while Daddy went in the front door to ''get the money,'' twelve-year-old Billy Boy went in the back door and had fun with those sweet country girls.''

~Come to think of it, he may be more like the other song, Back Door Man. Put 'em both together and you've got a Back Door, Mannish Boy and a killer blues number.

3. Without this book, I probably never would've known about this unique piece of twentieth century weaponry:

''I remember one club where a woman showed up with what we called ''a ten-cent pistol.'' That's a jug full of Red Devil Lye, human piss, and honey. She had heard her husband was messing around on her, and when she saw the evidence that he was, she started unloading that ten-cent pistol---slinging the stuff in his direction. That place cleared out in a New York minute.''

4. Though Frazier didn't really seem to dislike Buster Mathis, who was in notoriously unathletic shape, he wasn't afraid to be blunt about anyone he ever met. Describing his amateur match with him:

''...Buster had worn his trunks damn near up to his titties...''

5. Oscar ''Ringo'' Bonavena, the short, colorful, barrel-chested, fast-living, Argentinean heavyweight slugger of the 70's is mentioned several times, having fought Joe twice. As a foreigner getting to know an American city, it was a special time for Ringo. Frazier was there to help:

''When I first met him, Bonavena acted like he did not know much English, but years later, when I'd run into him in Las Vegas, he knew enough Ingles to ask me: ''Where's the p*ssy, Frazier?'' ''

~For those who don't know, Bonavena met his fate at the Mustang Bridge Ranch-a famous cathouse in Reno, Nevada. Apparently he found what he was looking for.

6. Frazier mentioned one instance that made him feel as stupid as Ali tried to make him look during the pre-fight hype.

''First time he called me an Uncle Tom, I didn't even know what that was. I thought it was someone who peeped in windows.''

7. But, Joe, what did you think of Ali, really? Don't hold back.

''The sucker had fifty-seven varieties of bullsh!t - and he needed it all.''

Boxing fan or not, I hope you got a laugh. . . I bet most of you are just now learning the definition of scamboogah and ''ten-cent pistol''.

You're welcome. : )

For Boxing Fans: Check out our new blogging buddy's new boxing blog at Boxed Ears: The Wide World of Boxing. Chat about boxing on the comments section. News, future and past matches, etc. Boxed Ears did a great post on 1933's Max Baer VS Max Schmeling a few days ago worth checking out in particular at: http://boxedear.blogspot.com/2008/07/max-baer-vs-max-schmeling-look-back.html.

George Burns On The Likelihood That W. C. Fields Was Really An Alcoholic:

JD's quotes:

















~ One classy monologist, George Burns.




To me, one of the most likable entertainers to ever live was George Burns. The only problem I ever had with him was his irrational penchant for Al Jolson...very irrational. Anyway, I just finished the charming book that George wrote called 100 Years, 100 Stories. The book is George's look back on 100 fairly short show business stories that he had probably repeated to countless people. This is a perfect light reading excursion. I doubt any of the stories take up more than three pages but they're fun. Mr. Burns covers a lot of territory from Groucho Marx annoying George with his amazing stamina for telling the same joke over and over again, to clean sex talk via coffee euphemisms. Here are 10 quotes that I thought I'd share:


1. George on height and anatomy, engaging in frequent name dropping sessions, mentions:

''I never realized how short Dudley Moore was until I saw him dance with Dolly Parton. He looked like he had three heads.''

2. George reflects on his career life before his perfect comic cohort, Gracie Allen came along:

''Before I teamed up with Gracie, I was pretty bad. I had to change my name every week. I couldn't get a job with the same name twice.''

3. George on life's funny deformities:

''Now, Dolores was a pretty girl, except for one thing: she was very bowlegged. Every time she sat down, it looked as if somebody had stolen her cello.''

4. George on whether or not his dear friend and certainly one of my favorite comedic minds of all time- W. C. Fields- was really and truly all that serious a drinker:

''He always wore a specially made vest with pockets that held small bottles filled with martinis. I invited him over to have dinner with Gracie and me one night, and when he came into my bar I had the gin, vermouth, olives, and ice lined up for him. He went to the door, removed his vest, and hollered to his chauffeur, ''Clarence, my good man, you may take this vest. I'm getting my libations from another source.'' ''

5. George on fellow icon Carl Reiner's understanding of bald humor:

''One day, just before lunch, he came up to me a little worried and said, ''George, I'm in trouble. I'm supposed to speak at a luncheon today at the Sportsmen's Lodge, and I forgot my toupee. Can I borrow yours?''

''Of course, Carl, what are friends for?'' So he put on my toupee and left. When he returned I asked him, ''How did your speech go, Carl?''

''Your hair was a riot,'' he said.''

6. George on his unusual history of drug use:

''Now, at this concert some of the kids were smoking grass, so I thought I'd try it. I pulled out a handful of grass, pushed it into my cigar holder, and lit it. It was nothing. The fertilizer was murder!

7. George continuing on his history with drugs, after unwittingly being invited to an, ahem, chemically enhanced party:

''I was hardly in the door when one of the guests came up to me and said, ''George, have you got any junk on you?''

I said, ''No, I give it all to the Salvation Army.'' ''

8. George on his continuing evening at that same party, still supposedly oblivious:

''Later at dinner, this attractive young girl sitting next to me leaned over and said, ''George, do you ever use uppers?''

I said, ''What for? I've got my own teeth.'' ''

9. George on the claim that he still wasn't grasping the situation by the end of his evening:

''At the end of the meal, out came a bowl of white powder, surrounded by a lot of little silver spoons. Well, I like my coffee sweet, so I put in three or four spoonfuls. The next thing I knew, the host was showing me to the door.''

10. George on Gracie's appreciation for his lovemaking prowess:

''She said, ''George, I can't sleep. Make me laugh.'' So I made love to her, and she laughed.''

There you have it. Get a hold of a copy of George's book for the full stories, you won't regret it.


Today's post is brought to you by:

*No ephedra
*No caffeine
*No stimulants at all!

It's an all-natural weight loss supplement. Try Slender fx for 90 days, it may be the help you've been looking for without the dangerous side effects that are typical of ''diet pills''. Find it and other premium health care products here- Your Home Based Business Opportunity With Youngevity

The Truth About Bear Feces, Porcupine Recipes & The North Korean Scrabble Tournament

Lucy's Quotes:


~ Comedy icon, Dana Carvey.

One of SNL's most successful stars, Dana Carvey, just came out with another HBO special called Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies, performed at the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa, California. Dana's still got it and trots out all the old standby impersonations to the delight of the crowd and touches on his standard fare with lots of current political talk (Mixed with old political icons). Dana's musings cover everyone from Deepak Chopra to Dick Cheney, including the following:





1. In my favorite bit of the special, Dana ponders the mind behind the CBS program, 60 Minutes and its famous segment A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney. Dana muses that Andy must have had some ideas that he wouldn't be able to express on network television.


Dana doing his hilarious impression of the 89-year-old thinker:

''Why does the expression ''Does a bear sh!t in the woods'' substitute for the word 'yes'? You say to your friend, 'Do you go to the store?' and instead of saying 'yes', they'll say 'Does a bear sh!t in the woods?'. Bears don't only sh!t in woods. Polar bears might sh!t on ice or in water. An overworked circus bear might sh!t his pants while riding a unicycle . . . 'Cause, how would an overworked circus bear know when to go to the bathroom? He wouldn't have opposing thumbs to get off his little tuxedo. His handler would be out having a cigarette with the clown . . . These are things I think of in the night. People ask me, ''Andy, do you hear voices in your head?'' and I always say 'Does a bear sh!t in the woods?'.''


2. Dana over the years has enjoyed Al Gore's often awkward personality in front of the cameras. His own impression of Al has gone from mechanical to, well...:



Dana on Al Gore's newest public persona:
''I love Al Gore, but when did he start sounding like a gay Forrest Gump?''


3. Dana talking about President Bush's intense discourse with Kim Jong-il about ending their nuclear weapon's program once upon a time:

Dana as Kimmy: Mr. Bush, North Korea going to stand down on our nuclear program. We are not going to continue if you end your sanctions against our country.
Dana as ''W'': Let me tell you something right now. Fool me twice, once on shame. Fool me again and twice and once.
Dana as Kimmy: What the f*ck kind of English is that? You got three adjectives in a row, two pronouns back to back and a dangling participle!
Dana as ''W'': I'm rubber, you're glue . . . Scooby-doo.
Dana as Kimmy: Jesus Christ, English my fifth language. I could still kick your ass at Scrabble.

4. Dana as that loveable little Texas bajillionaire, Ross Perot: ''You can't put a porcupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect to make licorice.''

*This isn't the first time Dana has uttered this phrase while imitating Ross Perot's colorful countryisms.

5. Dana did a long spiel involving former president Ronald Reagan mapping out the future of politics after his own administration.

Dana as George H.W. Bush speaking of George W. Bush to Ronald Reagan:

''Well, not the crunchiest chip in the bag there.''

6. Dana as Reagan talking to Senator John Kerry: No, you can't be president.

Dana as Kerry: Why not?
Dana as Reagan: Because you look like Herman Munster. Your face is 19% longer than anatomically thought possible. Now get the f*ck out.

7. And, lastly:

Dana as Reagan talking about who would be president after ''W'':

''Well, we won't know till we know. That's all I'll tell you. But I've got my eye on a nice African-American gentleman from Illinois- Wonderful speaker, kind of looks like a cross between the Mad magazine guy and Urkel.''


Well, I don't know about you but if Obama gets elected, that's pretty much all I'll see when I look at him for the next few years, thanks to Dana.



Today's post is brought to you by:

*No ephedra
*No caffeine
*No stimulants at all!

It's an all-natural weight loss supplement. Try Slender fx for 90 days, it may be the help you've been looking for without the dangerous side effects that are typical of ''diet pills''. Find it and other premium health care products here- Your Home Based Business Opportunity With Youngevity