George Carlin jokes about cancer, canine expiration and Elmer Fudd getting the shaft again

JD's quotes:

George Carlin put on his usual intelligent, thought provoking and funny show when he did Doin' it again for HBO-one of many specials he's done for the network. Here are the quotes I can actually get away with quoting:


George Carlin quotes: HBO Special Doin' it again

One from George's list of life's embarrassing moments:

''You ever been talking to someone and you laugh through your nose and blow a snot on your shirt?''

George on public health:

''Cuz I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water.''

George on ''sensitive'' subjects:

''Well, I know, some people don't like you to talk about those things. I know that. Some people don't like you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this,... some people don't want you to say that... Some people think if you mention some things, they might happen...Some people are REALLY F#*^ing stupid!''

While joking about just the kind of sensitive subjects that comedians aren't supposed to joke about, George proceeds to ask the audience to:

''Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.''




One from George's list of things you never see:

''You never see a really big, tall, fat, Chinese guy with red hair.''

George only agrees with some feminist vocabulary changes:

''They want me to call that thing in the street, a personhole cover. I think that's taking it a little bit too far. What would you call a ladies' man? A person's person? That would make a He-man an It-person. Little kids would be afraid of the boogeyperson. They'd look up in the sky and see the person in the moon. Guys would say ''Come back here and fight like a person'' and we'd all sing ''For it's a jolly good person''. That's the kind of thing you would hear on Late Night with David Letterperson! You know what I mean?''

Near the end of the show George begins his admirable rant about New Wave, sugarcoated language. Among his gripes are the changes from ''partly cloudy'' to ''partly sunny'' but one, he points out, will actually make him invincible:

''Because thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die...I'll pass away...''


Check out one of George's Wordsmith exhibitions on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Embed code disabled: Please follow this link for the video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=02IVWSHdp6A

Between that and those photos on Entertainment Tonight...

JD's quote:

I can't help it, I just heard this one again recently and I had to give Larry Merchant another spot on ''Say what?''. I warn you, this likely won't be the last time either. Here's another beauty from the great sage Larry Merchant. The setting is shortly after the referee stopped the first fight between Julio Caesar Chavez and Oscar De La Hoya. Chavez was losing thoroughly and a cut had suspiciously appeared very early above his left eye. George Foreman hinted that Chavez suffered the cut in training and covered it up to make it to the ring. The cut looked terrible, refused to stop bleeding and the fight was called. Jim Lampley and George Foreman were praising De La Hoya cautiously when old Larry decided to chime in with this unlikely but typically colorful comparison:

''This kid is like a debutante with a knife in her purse.''

Larry, man are we ever gonna miss you when you retire.

Is it a gerbil or just a tickle? (Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes from season six)

JD's quotes:

You may have missed Larry David playing Larry David in the sixth season of Curb Your Enthusiasm for several reasons. Maybe you canceled your subscription to HBO because they keep starting series without finishing them, for instance. Maybe you've been spending too much time looking at blogs and it distracted you [that's perfectly acceptable by the way]. Maybe you've developed a prejudice against bald lead actors [Unacceptable]. Who knows? Either way, you've missed more appearances by Ted Danson and Richard Lewis, as well as new celebrity faces like Michael McKean, Vivica A. Fox, Lucy Lawless, Tim Meadows, Tia Carrere, John McEnroe and more. Here are a few Larry quotes that may paint a picture of what you were missing this past season:


''Just look at this schmohawk over here.''

''Okay,...I have a gerbil up my ass. That's my problem.''

''However, in the interest of full disclosure, I will tell you that um-I do have a tickle in my anus.''

''The penis needs an option...just like everybody else. The penis is human, needs an option.''

''Would you say my balls are unusually long?''

''I guess I just like sick sex.''

''So-so let me- so your last-your last name is Black. Th-th-that's like if my last name was-was Jew, like Larry Jew...cuz I'm Jewish.''

''I take back my toast.''

''Um-I'm so sorry...First of all, you have to understand something, okay? My friend Jeff DID NOT KNOW-DID NOT KNOW-that there was a penis in that box when he picked that up from the bakery.''

''You know what? We love each other...me and my bald brothers.''

PS: JB Smooth was the star of this season as far as I'm concerned. Playing Leon, he and Larry traded excellent life advice to each other. Excellent for us anyway. Not so much for them.

Check out a promo for season six:

Lesbian fun endorsed by America's #1 bow-tie wearin' journalist!

JD & Lucy's quotes:



Known from shows on PBS, CNN and MSNBC journalist Tucker Carlson matches the bow-tie look and republican attitude with a wide variety of statements that stick in people's head for better or worse. Here we quote him revisiting a ''controversial'' statement he made once upon a time while stopping by Late Night with Conan O'Brien:

''And so I said I thought, you know, one liberal addition to sex was, you know, recreational female bisexuality. I thought that was a good thing. It's something that liberals gave us and I can get behind and support really strongly.''

Ohhhhh yeah, conservatives swing too baby; this much is clear.



Here's Tucker just completely rocking out like a conservative hippy but without the bow-tie:

Foster Brooks did NOT play an alcoholic!

JD's quotes:

Famous for his appearances opening for Perry Como and on the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts and the Dean Martin Show, Foster Brooks played himself up as a good old-fashioned drunk. A drunk mind you, not an alcoholic... He didn't have to go to those pesky meetings if ya catch my drift- wink wink, nudge nudge. Here are a few of Foster's quotes [with stutters included but minus some of the other noises that I don't know how to type out]:


''In all fair-In all fairness to myself, I think I must say that I have a very good re-reason for bein' loaded tonight...I've b-I've been drinking all day!''

''I was in the service...Um...Oh and I might say that I was in the tough-toughest outfit of them all... I was in the Naval-Naval Air Force... Ever try forcin' air through a navel?''

''My-my late father-in-law was-was a Polish sea captain...when he passed away like they do sometimes, you know...his last request was that he be bur-buried at sea...two of my brothers-in-law drowned diggin' his grave.''



Check out Foster cracking Dean Martin up: