A salute to the great intentional and unintentional lines of real life and great fiction. A blend of the funniest and most accurate quotes on the web, old, new and in between. Quotes from TV, Movies, Stand-up acts, books, etc. See if a line that stuck in your head shows up. Please leave comments and tell us what you like and what you want to see. Thanks for stopping by.
Sincerely,
JD & Lucy
Lucy's quote: Stand-up comic Mrs. Hughes during her act:
''I went to the doctor. He said ''You're going through the change of life''... change of life. Girls, remember when you went through puberty, they told you, you were becoming a woman? You go through the change of life, they don't tell you what you're becoming... I'm becoming my father.''
Don't know Mrs. Hughes? Check out her website here:
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Well, it's almost Easter. The day comedians have been confused about for years. Here are just three examples in modern comic history:
~ Eddie Izzard: Actor, writer, comedian, tranny...Englishman, etc.
Eddie, from HBO special Dress To Kill:
''And then kids eat chocolate eggs, because the color of the chocolate and the color of the wood on the cross...Well, you tell me? It's got nothing to do with it, has it?
You have people going-'' 'member kids''- the kids are eating the chocolate eggs-they're going '' 'Member kids, Jesus died for your sins.''
''Yeah, I know, it's great.'' ''No, no, no, it's bad, it's bad.'' ''No, it's bad, it's very bad...it's terrible. Whatever you want. I mean, just keep giving me these eggs.''
And the bunny rabbits, where do they come into the crucifixion?''
Eddie Izzard is the sometime ''executive'' transvestite comedian and actor who plays on the comically and dramatically rich FX program The Riches, currently starting their second season.
~ Jim Gaffigan in his stand-up act:
Jim using his anonymous other voices on stage:
''Easter, that's a weird tradition.
Female voice: Easter, the day Jesus rose from the dead. What should we do?
Male voice: How 'bout eggs?!
Female voice: Well, w-what does that have to do with Jesus?
Male voice: Alright, we'll hide 'em.
Female voice: I don't...I don't follow your logic.
Male voice: Don't worry, there's a bunny.''
Jim is famous for a gag started for Late Night with Conan O'Brien where he had a cartoon made, with his own voice added, in which he and Conan are super heroes. Jim is portrayed as being the definition of masculinity and Conan as a feminine weakling. Pale Force, the name of the cartoon series, is a joke referring to his and Conan's uniquely pale skin. Unique even for two white guys without tans. That's pale...that's pale. See episodes of this cartoon atNBC.com, here:Conan O'Brien & Jim Gaffigan - Pale Force TV Show, Series - Episode Video Clips and Photos - NBC Official Site
~ Bill Hicks, controversial stand-up comedian:
Bill, from his stand-up routine:
''I was over in Australia, uh, during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note, they celebrate Easter the same way we do. Commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus, by telling our children, a Giant BUNNY RABBIT......left chocolate eggs in the night. Now,...I wonder why we're f**ked up as a race. Anybody? Anybody got any clues out there, or...? Where do you get this sh!t from, you know? Why those two things, you know?
Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer, you know? Long as we're makin' sh!t up, go hog wild, you know? At least a goldfish with a Lincoln log on it's back goin' across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it.
Childlike voice: Mummy, I woke up today and there was a Lincoln log in me sock drawer!...that's the story of Jesus.''
Bill Hicks is possibly even lesser known than Jim and Eddie. You may remember incidents involving this now deceased and often controversial comic. He once had his entire segment cut out of an episode of The Late Show with David Letterman and before his death there was intense debate among many as to whether or not comedian Denis Leary stole some of Bill's material. Some thought Denis had even lifted Bill's entire persona. Some argued that it was the other way around. Some didn't give a rat's rectum. Some didn't know either of them anyway.
And a very special, heartwarming Easter video just for you:
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(Cue the ominous music please): ...Ladies and Gentlemen,...I give you...the OTHER ''Say what''...
Okay, well, to be technical about it...We are ''Say what?'' and he is ''Say what?!''...so, not the same thing, really. That's a whole exclamation point's difference there, you see. Now that we've cleared that up, I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'd like to plug one of my favorite sites which I found a few months ago, while trying to do searches for our site. I'm adding it to our blogroll too.
Here's a little background so you understand the quotes. The site is run by U.S. District Judge Jerry Buchmeyer who posts real life courtroom quotations, as in from actual trials and depositions that turned funny. I love this site. It's a web log also. I encourage everybody to check it out for a laugh. Although it received no comments, my post from Doctor William Campbell Douglass received several hits, so I'm encouraged to continue with my ''quotes from doctors'' label. This is from real life courtroom material here, once again.
Source: April 2004 post entitled: Defining the Specialties:
''This excerpt from the recent deposition of a doctor comes from Richard E. Hanson of Wichita Falls (Oldham & Hanson).
Q. But when it comes to a surgeon, you’re kind of separate and distinct from all the other medical specialties; that is, you actually go in and perform surgical procedures on the human body; is that correct?
A. Well, it brings to my mind an old aphorism. Internists, which is kind of what, in part, you know, gastroenterology is, they know everything but they don’t do anything. Now, surgeons aren’t supposed to know anything, but they do it all. Now,pathologists know everything and do everything, but it’s all too late. ''
Source: February 2000 post entitled: Subjective Complaints:
''From Nancy Doherty of Dallas (U.S. District Clerk of the Northern District of Texas), these "actual, unedited notes written by doctors on patients' medical charts".
The patient has no past history of suicide.
The patient is numb from the toes down.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
The patient's genitalia exam reveals that he is circus sized.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.
The patient, while in the ER, was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
The patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.''
Source: February 1997 post entitled: The Doctors Horn In:
''From Gerald B. Shifrin of Portland, Ore. - who "spent over 40 years practicing law on the Rio Grande in El Paso" - these excerpts from a newspaper story in The Oregonian showing "how the medical profession is trying to horn in on our humor." This is "actual dictation from actual doctors, as collected by medical transcriptionists."
''The patient injured her right fifth hand while playing basketball."
"SKIN: Somewhat pale but present."
"her children are 12, 10, and nine; husband is approximately the same age."
"Both the patient and the nurse reported passing flatus."
"Rectal examination revealed no masses but did show yellow shoes." ''
Amy Sherman-Palladino's (Creator of Gilmore Girls) new show The Return of Jezebel James premiered today and immediately makes it onto Say what?. Not bad. The show stars Parker Posey playing successful book editor Sarah Thomkins and Lauren Ambrose (formerly Claire Fisher on HBO's Six Feet Under) playing her flaky little sister Coco Thomkins. Posey's character in the pilot episode realizes she wants a baby on a whim and is told by her doctor that it's impossible. Enter the following lines:
Sarah: Are you telling me I can't get pregnant? Sarah's Doctor (Played by Amy Hill): Yes. Sarah: No. I can get pregnant. Doctor: Sarah! Sarah: I can! Look. In high school, I really wanted to be a cheerleader, okay? But, I couldn't do a cartwheel. And to be a cheerleader, you had to do a cartwheel. So, one day, I went out into the backyard and I told myself ''I'm not going back in until I can do a cartwheel perfectly, both ways.''...I was back by dinner. Doctor: This isn't a cartwheel. Sarah: Cartwheels are hard. To be continued... Later on, Sarah consults her estranged little sister in order to ask her if she'll have a baby for her. Having not even bothered to mention why she'd ask, her sister freaks out. Sarah tells her the reason finally and when she does, we get this beautifully delayed punch line: Sarah: I had the tests. I-The doctor said that I can't. Coco: ...Did you tell him about the cartwheels?
PS: Who agrees with me that Buddy-the guy working with Sarah- bears a freakish similarity to George on Grey's Anatomy aka T. R. Knight? I checked, his name is Michael Arden and he's not T. R. Knight's little brother. Oh well.
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~ ''Hey baby, check out our beards.'' and other pick-up lines that failed miserably.
VS
JD's quote:
Twin actors Jason and Randy Sklar hosted a show on ESPN Classic called Cheap Seats. Cheap Seats was like the sports version of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. I prefer MST3K but I'm not knocking Cheap Seats. Radio and TV show host Jim Rome (Jim Rome is Burning, The Jim Rome Show) made a funny cameo to stick up for none other than the facially and follicley athletic Beard and Mustache Competitions and to slam Nascar. Check out this strictly Romecentric commentary:
Jim Rome on Cheap Seats:
''Been a lot of talk out there lately about the legitimacy of beard competitions. Is it, or is it not a sport? My answer is simple and it comes in a neat four-word package. ''SHUT UP, it is.'' It's way more of a sport than Nascar. Karl-Heinz Hille is more of an athlete than Greg Biffle will ever be. Karl-Heinz can drive. I'd like to see Danica Patrick grow a beard. Not happening. Do you know how many years it takes to groom the perfect goatee? And, put this way, there are only two on record. One belongs to Fernando Vina and you are looking at the other one. And I'm sure Fernando would agree, it takes years and skill to pull this off. Now, bump it up a notch and grow your beard into a check mark or triple handlebars and you're talking a lifetime of commitment. And on top of that, it's finally a sport that the Swedes can dominate. So the next time you step up to me with the question ''Is a beard competition a sport?'' You ask yourself, ''Why the hell are Mach 3 turbo refills so damn expensive?''. There is your answer. I'm out.''
PS: All the really cool kids say MST3K, in case you were wondering.
Today's post is brought to you by:
*No ephedra *No caffeine *No stimulants at all!
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JD was born on ruby Tuesday shortly after the great bifurcated rivet shortage of Denmark. It was nearly 19 years afterwards that he stumbled upon the idea of lukewarm fusion when staring really closely into the microwave during the great chocolate pop tart with peanut butter disaster of Northern America. Bla, bla, bla, then he realized elephants weren't meant for that kind of work, yadda, yadda, yadda and was unceremoniously kicked out of the Navel Orange Force and moved to the country where he now counts toothpicks, runs a blogger recovery support group and occasionally suffers from a painful weenis inflammation for which there is no known cure (other than gin and orange juice with some crushed ice and lots of love).
Lucy's brief biography:
Lucy was born in the mid to late or beginning part of a decade when the solstice was just shy of extemporaneous. Once she realized that she was not to be the next Lita Ford, she figured she would raise cats for no monetary reimbursement and blog about stuff. Somewhere in between she negotiated the Kittimer Accords and found a linty lozenge on MLK BLVD, therefore inspiring her to invent a fuel system for an automobile that worked only on water and eucalyptus oil. Anyway, she now dyes her hair Cayenne Red from the oo-that-burns-so-good dye manufacturer and spends much of her time petitioning to get Welcome Back, Kotter on the air again from her log cabin home in Inglesby, Minnesota.
Special Note on beliefs of the authors: BOTH blog authors firmly believe that the love you take is only equal to the love you make under the condition of Dingham's law when the transitive thermodynamic appendix of subatomic maturation will not exceed or succeed the rate of any kind of demolecularized convex or pyrexed dithyroxin monoparliamentary anti-romanticide solution of no greater than 3% by volume. So, although we're cool with the philosophical notion set forth by the lyric, we can under no uncertain terms purport that this circumstance circumvents or circumnavigates any potential scenario. So, in other words, if a nonlinear dispersible wave is non-invasive or perpetually inept as a magnitude of its own groovitational pull (see; groove theory of relativity by Korean doctor Thyn Wyte Dook), then it is truly polarized in a fashion of dynamic tubular Carbuncle Units Apt Sans statistical analyses of said unified physics or ''sunshine units''. Therefore, you can't really make that much love and you're left with some kind of an asymptomatic doodad for your undercover thunder-rolling if you catch our drift. Ask Stephen Hawking. He knows. He talked it over with Paul McCartney on that last PBS science special.
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