Listen, Pally: Dean Martin Was A Comedian!

Aaaaagain, I say, listen, Pally: Dean Martin Was A Comedian!

Much of my grandmother's family is from Steubenville, Ohio and when she was young and visiting, she played with a little boy named Dino Crocetti, who later turned out to be an Italian King...The King of Cool, that is. It was Dean Martin. Dean loved where he came from and never forgot. They even named an official state holiday in Ohio-Dean Martin Day. I've always liked Dean and I'm a member of a gigantic club in that regard. Very few people didn't like Dean. I picked up a copy of the book 'Memories are made of this: Dean Martin through his daughter's eyes' and found it difficult to put down. The odyssey of Dean and his family's lives makes for quite a drama but a lot of humor too. Dean was an unusual man and had an unusual life. He was a mega-star in his day, several times over. He conquered movies, live acts, TV and the music industry and did it all with a laid back demeanor and sharp wit.

Deana Martin, Dean's daughter, didn't paint him out to be father of the year but there's no doubt that he was appreciated for the man that he was, including his quirky nature as a loner and his sense of humor. Though he's known more for his beautiful voice and his very tipsy stage persona, Dean was as funny as he was musical. An all-around talent. His days with Jerry Lewis left Jerry with a French mob of fans as the brilliant goof and Dean under appreciated for his own comic talent as a straight man and later as a character too full of scotch to actually stand up straight. Of course, he was usually drinking apple juice but even Mayberry's Otis wasn't a more likable fake drunk. Following are some quotes from the book, which I hope you get the chance and have the gumption to read. I think you'll enjoy it, too. If you've already read it...well, whatever, Pally (Dean called people 'Pally'). Here are 12 quotes to make you smile:

JD's quotes:


1. Deana talks about Dean as a teenaged playboy:

''My aunt Violet used to say to him, ''Dino, you never have any money.'' He'd smile and reply, ''I don't need money, Vi, I'm good looking.'' ''

2. Deana talks about Dean as a very minor league, smooth criminal:

''He was a card dealer at the Rex Cigar Store, where he slipped so many silver dollars down his trouser legs and into shoes that he jangled when he walked. It was money his bosses didn't begrudge him, and which he quickly spent.''

3. Deana quotes her dad with many of his most memorable lines. Here's one she quoted on family:

''I have seven beautiful kids. Don't clap, it only took seven minutes.''


4. Dean and the rest of the Rat Pack joked about each other's heritage frequently. Speaking of Frank Sinatra, Deana says:

''Frank sang too, an honor Dad reciprocated at Frank's forty-second birthday party at the Villa Capri in 1957, when he sang a version of ''He's the Top'' with the words ''He's the Wop.'' ''

5. Deana quotes her dad with this silly one-line nugget:

''Don't believe it when they say carrots are good for your eyes, I stuck one in mine last night and it hurt.''

6. Deana quotes some parental advice from Dean to his daughter, Claudia:

''Don't bite your nails,'' he'd tell Claudia. ''Look what happened to Venus de Milo.'' ''

7. Deana talks more about Dean's lighthearted ethnic teasing, this time on his wife, Jeanne:

''He constantly teased Jeanne about her German ancestry, which she had in common with Irma, our German housekeeper. ''Be careful,'' he'd tell us, ''watch those Aryan blue eyes. Next thing we know she'll be holding Bund meetings Thursday nights with Irma behind the pool house.''

8. Deana quotes Dean on his fellow ladies man, Frank Sinatra:

''When Frank dies, they're gonna give his zipper to the Smithsonian.''

9. Deana talks about some of the song alterations Dean did as his drunken stage persona, changing classic songs' lyrics like:

''I looked over Jordan and what did I see . . . Mrs. Jordan.''
''You are too beautiful for one man alone . . . so I brought along my brother.''
''You made me love you . . . you woke me up to do it.''

10. Deana remarks the time Dean's hit ''Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime'' knocked ''A Hard Day's Night'' (By the Beatles) off the number one slot:

''When Dad heard the news of its success, he sent Elvis Presley a telegram that read, ''If you can't handle the Beatles, I'll do it for you, pally.'' ''

11. Deana quotes her dad introducing the Rolling Stones in classic Dino style:

''I've been rolled when I was stoned before. Now ladies and gentlemen, the Rolling Stones.''

12. Deana quotes more Dean one-liner fun, mentioning this one:

''I don't drink anymore, and I don't drink any less.''

That's the end of the quotable Dean Martin fun, pallies. For a load of anecdotes and a keener understanding of the man, pick up a copy of the book. For immediate purposes, if you haven't had enough just yet, here's our gratuitous youtube video for your viewing pleasure. This is one of my favorites from the Dean Martin show, with Victor Borge and his classic bit called 'Phonetic Punctuation.'. Two great musical and comedic talents who used their powers for good, instead of evil, like what Stephen Lynch does. Check it out:

Yeast Infections: Risk Factors You Need To Know About

JD's quotes:


So, you'd think it'd be Lucy to do this post instead of me. That's understandable. Sorry. Being a man, I have the sort of clinical disconnect from this issue that she may not. Alright, all kidding aside-no, wait. We need the kidding so never mind that. Anyway, one of my favorite characters on TV is Dwight K. Schrute of The Office. Played by Rainn Wilson, Dwight is as I've described before, excitably serious. He typically switches from a super brown-noser to a self important, socially inept uber-nerd. We've all known at least one. In one of Dwight's ramblings to the camera in the mockumentary known as The Office, he touches on his unique leg up on society and a frightening medical theory that may expose a horrifying truth to society.

Rainn Wilson as Dwight:



''I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer Sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. . . Probably. . . because we're down river. . . from that old bread factory.''


I believe this quote can stand alone. Stay tuned for more unusual tips on the environmental obstacles of personal hygiene. Or, stay tuned for more funny quotes from the office.

Previous posts on The Office:

We GOT a zoppity...They're not that great.

Michael Scott has certainly got...that Frisbee kind of cool.

Werewolves ARE real.

In Honor of The Late Estelle Getty:

In Honor of The Late Estelle Getty:

I was very sorry to hear about the passing of a favorite actress of mine who played Sophia Petrillo from The Golden Girls among other things. Estelle Getty has passed away at the age of 84. As a cast member of The Golden Girls, she was a great sport, being made up to look like the oldest member of the team though she was second from the youngest. Here's a quote from one of my favorite scenes on the show in honor of a woman who had the comic timing to pull off every great line the show's talented writers had ever given her:

Lucy's quote:

While Sophia, a sharp tongued senior citizen, roots through the produce aisle, she decides to confront the store's nearest employee from across the way:

Sophia: Hey. Hey! You got any decent nectarines?
Store Employee: There's nothing wrong with those nectarines.
Sophia: Please, I got a bowl of wax bananas that'll be ripe before these are.
Store Employee: You're crazy. This nectarine is beautiful. I never saw a more perfect piece of fruit.
Sophia: No? Then try kissing my behind,...it's a real peach!

Here's Estelle and her friends, Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur and Betty White on The Golden Girls blooper segment on the Lifetime network where they currently air daily:

Say what? would like to offer our condolences to Estelle Getty's friends and family. She will be missed. She gave the world a lot of laughs.

Amy Poehler Quotes: Our Most Unoriginal Post Title Yet

~JD says this is Amy's best picture.

I promised a while back for another SNL fan that I'd do some neglected Amy Poehler quotes for her and gathered them, wrote them down and completely forgot about them. Fine blogger I am, huh? At any rate, even Bonnie Raitt, I've got my shizzle together now, home slizzle. Here are my chosen quotes from Amy's respectable run on SNL's Weekend Update-my favorite part of SNL since the mid to late 1940's when I started watching it and Walter Winchell was the anchor:

Lucy's Quotes from Amy Poehler on Weekend Update:

1. ''A new book called, The Case of The Female Orgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys.''

2. ''A deer that got into a Walmart in Norfolk, Nebraska was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials aren't sure if the deer wandered in or whether the Walmart was built around it.''

3. ''Researchers have identified a gene linked to hair loss that could lead to new drugs to treat baldness. The drugs could replace the old cure for baldness-vintage convertibles.''

4. And finally, with no apologies: ''Lurch, a dog in Michigan was given the Pet's Best Friend award by a local American Red Cross chapter for donating blood over 20 times. Now, obviously Lurch can't talk but if he could, I think he would say ''Mmm, my balls are delicious.'' ''

So, we're caught up with Amy Poehler now. Any more requests? Because we deliver...No matter how long it takes, we deliver.

Say what's Awards For Best Humor Blogs: In Another News...We're Goin' To Disneyland!

~ This is what our award looks like. Yours looks the same.


Okay, to date, we have only made two non-quote posts. Once to plug a guest post that Lucy did on LTE and once when we both tried to help spread the word to save a show we grew very fond of called Journeyman. Now, these posts...they pretty much never got hit on and almost nobody saw them. So, here's the thing. We have been involved in an ingenious plot from Amyoops.com. Our buddy, Crotchety, has received an Amy oops! award from a blogging buddy and the rules involve a pay it forward process. Our understanding is that he, in order to legitimately claim this award must award five other people and somewhere down the line Haley Joel Osment dies in a horrible knifing incident. No, we're kidding. He'll be fine.

Anyway, this is pretty smart because people like awards and they will likely participate to be able to fully appreciate said award in legitimate fashion. We are proud to state that we've received this award from Crotchety and will be legitimately winners after this post is published. So. in order to not make this our third unread, never hit upon non-quote page, we will instead quote the blogs we award, in full compliance with both stated award rules and additionally remain in compliance with Say what's ''keep it quote-full'' rules. Ha! We rule! Damn, we're smart. So the following are 3 humorous quotes from each of our 5 chosen blogs:

Okay, keeping in line with the rules, the credit must go to Amyoops.com for the award and picture. We got that down. She's mentioned. Secondly, we must mention the man that made this directly possible for us-Crotchety. He is at http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/. What can you expect at Crotchety's site? It declares: ''Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars: Baseball, television, political rants, cars, money, and general nonsensensical ponderings of my universe.''

JD will take this one, handing out our first award.

And Say what's winner of the Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Best rivalry with a famous weight loss pundit'' goes to... Crotchety from http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/.

JD's 3 quotes from Crotchety:

I am fascinated by Crotchety's everlasting obsession with Richard Simmons. I love it. Relax, it's a rivalry. He's not a fan. Here are some selected quotes from him on the subject:

1. Crotchety contemplate's catharsis:

''I began to make a list of some things I could do to release this anger:
1. Tear the tags off mattresses -- too cliché
2. Write a letter to my Congressperson --too Republican
3. Join a think tank group-- too Democratic
4. Make fun of Richard Simmons --too easy''

2. Crotchety presenting a Richard Simmons Birthday bash with some of his most awe-strikingly horrifying videos:

''Grab a piece of sweat resistant birthday cake, and watch a few minutes of some of the funniest video around.''

3. Lastly, Crotchety has a temporary change of heart?:

''I thought about that day for weeks. Maybe Richard Simmons wasn't such a tool. Perhaps he wasn't a slimy, money grubbing shill.''

Okay, Lucy will handle our second award now.

And the winner of Say what's Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Best WTF humor'' goes to... the Lazy Third Eye team at http://lazythirdeye.blogspot.com/

Lucy's 3 quotes from Lazy Third Eye:

1. In Jake The Flake's Top Ten Fun Facts...Keeping in mind they are geared towards the lesser-known. Number four:

''Milton Berle, of all the famous men in show business, is reputed to have had an infamously gigantic penis to put all the rest to shame. Apparently, everyone who knew him was aware of this endowment, especially since he wasn't known to be shy about pulling it out as a conversation piece.''

2. From Stream of Consciousness Eddie:

''My doctor said it seems I don't really have ADD after all. It turns out it's much more likely that I'm too rude to pay attention if I'm bored. Go figure.''

3. And from a post called ''Excerpts from the mystery novel, I Spy A Spy's Spy With A Spy's Eye'' that made JD laugh harder than I did for a change:

''Why, those weren't random queefs at all', thought Agent 00.2, in quite a queef-stricken state. Dear, God, they were purposeful, willful, intelligent in pattern, controlled and cunning! Why hadn't he realized that it was Russian but in Morse code?''

Okay, JD will take this next one.

And Say what's winner of the Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Most Humorous Serious Blog'' goes to... Jack Payne at http://legalthriller.blogspot.com/ where he does his best to accurately inform you about the current day's scams and how you can avoid them. Although the site is meant to be serious and a helpful resource, Jack still has an often funny way of getting his points across.

Among Jack's words of wisdom doled out during his helpful posts are:

1. ''Remember, you are not drunk if you pass out on the floor without hanging on.''

2. ''At times it seems reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.''

3. ''(Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.)''


JD & Lucy will take this one together.

And Say what's winner of the Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Best Purely Satirical News Stories'' goes to...Chris from The Lost News at http://www.thelostnews.com/.

JD & Lucy's 3 quotes:

1. In what is really a tribute to Tim Russert after his passing, the lost news credits his hard edged journalism with a satire piece of God being grilled by Russert on the suspicious nature of one of his creations:

'' “Would it come as a shock to you that we have reports from the Creation that say that the platypus was not an intentional creation, but a mish-mash of left over parts?”

“Wow, it is hot under these lights. Isn't it?” asked God clearly starting to sweat.''

2. Just in the headlines are captured all the satirically funny qualities and give us such great quotes as ''Opponent Of Gay Marriage Admits He Really Doesn't Have Anything Better To Do'', ''Local Anchorwoman Nails Segue From AIDS To Brangelina'', and ''New Restaurant 'BLTs R US' Hit Hard By Tomato Recall''.

3. And in another funny title, ''To Ease Energy Concerns, President Bush Calls For Offshore Oil Drilling And The Degreasing of Sha Na Na'', we have:

“With ordinary Americans hurting and my oil buddies already having houses at the beach and Aspen, it is time to bring these oil prices down,” said Bush. “And we can do that by finding new sources for oil, such as off our coasts and off Bowzer’s head.”

Unfortunately, if you laughed at that last one, you have now dated yourself as old. Join the club.

JD will take this last one because I haven't napped yet.

And Say what's winner of the Amy oops! humor blog award for the category of ''Best Anecdotes'' goes to...(Cue the ominous music) Judge Jerry Buchmeyer at...The...OTHER...Say what?!. Yes, we found out there's another one out there. This one is real life courtroom and other legal humor as compiled by the real life Texas Judge. I love this site. Here are JD's 3 quotes from that other Say what?!:

1. ''Q. Has anyone led you to believe the governor will pardon you if you plead guilty?
A. Well, I haven't been home judge, but he might have called my mother.''

2. Asked of a witness in an automobile accident case:

''Q. How far were you from it when you hit it? ''

3. Lastly, the ultimate slacker witness:

''Q. What do you do for a living?
A. I help my brother.
Q. What does your brother do?
A. Nothing.''

We would like to congratulate our winners and thank our benefactors and the Academy. There will however be no gift baskets. Times are tight, fellow bloggers. Times are tight.