Performing Tonight: Steven Wright & The Monotones (certifiably trippy quotes)

Lucy's quotes:


Steven Wright delivers completely deadpan humor no matter what he does. Usually, at least every other line is a punchline, making his act non-stop laughs...if you like that sort of thing. We love him. Here's a taste of his unusual brand of delivery:


''I have a three year-old dog, I named him 'Stay'. He was a lot of fun when he was a puppy because when I'd call him I'd say ''C'mere Stay, C'mere Stay.''

''One time the police stopped me for speeding and they said ''Oh, you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour. I said 'Yeah, I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long...''

''And I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, cause that means it's gonna be up all night.''

''It's the story of a photographer who goes completely insane trying to take a close-up photograph of the horizon.''

''I got food poisoning today...I don't know when I'm gonna use it...''

''I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall...just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over, I say ' Go ahead, touch it, it feels like it's real.' ''

''It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.''

''I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.''

For those who think they might have trouble following Steven, don't worry...he goes slowwwly.

Stephen Wright in his act ''When The Leaves Blow Away'':

Bill Maher and the swinging seniors: One of our least savory quotes, really

Lucy's quotes:


Bill Maher addresses sex in the senior citizen community on Real Time With Bill Maher during his monologue:


''And did you here about this? There's a new study in the paper this week that said more and more seniors are having sex-including oral sex-into their 80's. This was published in the New England Journal of Ugh! Oral sex into the 80's? And you thought you didn't want to kiss grandma because of her mustache.''



Speaking of senior citizens and oral sex-try not to watch the HBO drama ''Tell me you love me'' around meal-time...that's my personal plea...please be careful.

A clip from Real Time With Bill Maher in the opening sketch:

We're taking a trip with Merle Haggard and not telling him about it

JD's quotes:
Merle Haggard's ''My House of Memories'' For the record with Tom Carter is about as frank as you can expect a person to get. Similar to the Waylon Jennings autobiography, it may go through an awful lot of the bad times but there's still some humor to be found. I'll say this however, a humorous tone is far more scarce in Hag's account of life than many of his peers like Waylon Jennings and Johnny Cash. Here are some quotes from the book:



Haggard on Interpersonal Relationships:

''I don't want to mention her name. But I want to thank her for leaving me. Seriously.''

''One of the ladies of the evening looked at me and said, ''I'm not touching that kid with a ten-foot pole, he's not eighteen!'' My own personal ''Shelley Winters'' came quickly back with an answer for the problem. ''I'll baby-sit with him.'' She was the first and the greatest.''

''Any man who doesn't know the difference between sex and making love is wasting his erections.''

''She has been friends with each of my three wives since her, and in the late 1970s and early 1980s she even sang backup for the wife who wanted to be an entertainer.'' ~refers to Bonnie Owens-Buck Owens former wife as well as Merle's.

''She actually woke Dolly up, and I sang the song about being in love with her into the telephone as she lay half dozing beside her husband. He's never wanted to meet me.'' ~referring to Dolly Parton.

''I didn't really propose to Leona. I just mentioned to Lowell that it might be a good idea if Leona and I got married, and she happened to be standing there when I said it.''

''I can't thank her enough for divorcing me.''

''But she never got off of me about my doing the horizontal bop with those strippers.''

Miscellaneous:

''Some official from the American Legion Hall had found his way over to the microphone and said, ''Would the musicians who started this fight, please leave? Your services are no longer needed!'' ''

''I started to speak to her, but didn't get the chance. ''Now look here,'' she said. ''I don't care who you are, you're going to get a massage and nothing else. I mean nothing else!'' She was implying that I wanted a sexual favor while my foxy wife was sitting right there.''

''I had met George Jones earlier, when he was playing the Blackboard. He had heard me singing and got drunk and wouldn't come onstage. He's been my biggest fan ever since.''

''It sounded like a big elephant fart spiraling from a great height toward the ground.''

''Cash reached over the middle of the limo seat, grabbed a long .44 pistol with one hand and opened the door with the other...'' ~ Read the book to get the rest of that Johnny Cash tidbit.

The Law and the Hag:

''It was much harder to break out of a California penal institution than it was the Oildale School District facility for truants.''


''Reporters and the general public have always been fascinated by my juvenile delinquency.''

''The officer rolled down his window, probably so he couldn't smell me, as we rode in silence back to Nelles.''

''I started the engine, slowly released the clutch, and probably attained a getaway speed of five miles per hour.''

''For the first time in my criminal career, I became worthy of helicopters.''


''The next day was firsthand exposure to life in the desert. We had no food or water and all the beer was gone. We were dehydrated, hung-over, thirsty, sweating, hungry and no longer having a very good time.'' ~After ditching cops to journey into the desert.


''I had never experienced anything like it. They say if you tell somebody he's on LSD his trip is good. They didn't tell me.''

There you have a good summary of the book, elephantine flatulence, multiple divorces and unexpected trips.



Check out one of the rarest country music clips I can think of-Merle Haggard imitating Marty Robbins on stage next to him. Merle could do a mean impression, no?

Greg House, M.D. on sex during The Civil War

JD's quotes:

~ The original cast of Fox medical dramedy, House.

For those of you who aren't yet familiar with the medical drama, HOUSE, this would be a good time to get acquainted. Hugh Laurie of the praised British comedy, A bit of Fry and Laurie, plays Gregory House, M.D. - a sarcastic, pill-popping world famous diagnostician with a limp. He's also got a complete intolerance to boredom and actual contact with most people-especially patients. Although occasionally he gets arrested, punched, kicked, sued, peed on and shot, he rarely fails to grab an opportunity to be crude, rude and socially unacceptable. This, of course, makes him frequently quote-worthy.

Over the past 3+ seasons of House, Hugh Laurie/Doctor House has been spotted reading the following nuggets and many more just like them:


''Do you have hair on your special place?''


''There's something wrong in your pants.''


''ah, Don't believe 'em. I keep a sock in my pants.''


''Ladies and Gentlemen, I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve...I do have something in my pants- but it's not gonna help with this particular trick.''


''Give her a banana. Monkey see, monkey barf.''


''Many women learn to embrace this parasite...They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites.''

''The most successful marriages are based on lies...You're off to a great start.''


''What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.''


''I was rooting for a really cool tumor. Instead we're stuck with this crap.''


''Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here.''


''You know, relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal.''

''You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis...wait a second- I think I screwed up that joke.''

''It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually we're having sex.''


''This baby won me second place in the clinic's weekly ''weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice'' contest.''

''If your sex organs dangle, you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the Yanks.''


Now, I personally believe the danglers should be the Yanks...trust me, it makes much more sense that way.


Like this post? If you're a stumbler, please give us a thumbs up.

Also, check out another post of quotes from House: http://hoeno.blogspot.com/2008/02/in-this-textbook-latin-language-is-also.html


Here's Hugh Laurie in some non-House fun, showing off his musical stylings on Inside The Actors Studio, Parkinson and A Bit of Fry and Laurie:

Hear us roar or howl?: Republican chauvinism made funny by 30 Rock

Lucy's quotes:

Today's post should be like a bullet- Fast and deadly. The quote in question?

Alec Baldwin as eccentric right-wing Reagan enthusiast Jack Donaghy on the Tina Fey creation 30 Rock:

''I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.''

Tina Fey was quoted in the New York Post as saying:

"I may be the only 'SNL' alumnus who has created a character based on Lorne who's not lying about it,"

Of course, she's referring to Lorne Michaels and his similarities to Mike Myers' Dr. Evil character in the Austin Powers flicks among others. I don't know if Lorne is specifically the inspiration for Tina's astute riffs regarding the republican party mind-set but if he is, I'm shocked. How could my beloved SNL be run by that kind of a c-c-c-c-conservative?

FOR 30 Rock fans only: I wonder if Lorne Michaels has a creepy cookie jar collection too!



Not familiar with 30 Rock? Here's a good intro to the premise:

NOT all bark: Lennox Lewis quotes on Mike Tyson

JD's quotes:

Yes, folks. Mike Tyson has made it onto 'Say what?' yet again. You can say one thing about old Mikey...he's NOT all bark and no bite. . .

Lennox Lewis, known as arguably the best heavyweight boxer of his era had a 3-hour show on ESPN Classic recently that reviewed his career. The program is called 'Ringside' and was visited by boxing greats Ray 'Boom-Boom' Mancini and Tommy 'The Duke' Morrison [both former world champs] as well as Lewis trainer Emanuel Steward. He was interviewed by Bert Sugar and of course, Lewis being just one of the boxers to have Mike Tyson bite him, was asked about this interesting experience.

Lennox had this to say about the pre-fight event leading to the biting:

'' I seen Mike Tyson looking up at me, and he's got his teeth in my leg, and I was saying 'He's biting my leg! He's biting my leg!' ''

''...There was a bite in my leg and a green ring around that bite and I'm glad I really got the tetanus shot.''

Lennox was also quoted as saying about 'Iron' Mike: ''He reminds me of a cartoon character.''

...I have no idea what cartoon character but he could easily be a mixture of Elmer Fudd and the Tasmanian Devil, I think. Any thoughts?


Since it's close to Christmas now, I thought you'd like to hear this beautiful duet by Jimmy Kimmel and Mike Tyson on ''Winter Wonderland'' from youtube:

Bow chicka wow chicka wow wow: The Jim Lampley quote that sounds wrong when you think about it

JD'S quotes:

The other night I watched one of HBO's fighter recaps. What they like to do-and I'm glad they do- is show one or two of the most recent or best fights by a fighter before their next big upcoming bout. Ricky Hatton VS Floyd Mayweather Jr. was certainly one of the biggest fights this year and so they chose to show two fights before the big pay-per-view event. They showed Floyd's so-called ''victory'' over Oscar De La Hoya where Floyd managed to mysteriously rack up the punch stats while not landing punches (even sometimes while not throwing them) and Ricky ''The Hitman'' Hatton's victory over a spent legend named Jose Luis Castillo. The introduction to the Hatton/Castillo re-run proves the point that boxing is just plain dirty... I'll prove it with this quote:

Commentator Jim Lampley referring to the anticipation over the Hatton/Castillo bout:

''If Hatton could do Castillo and do him the right way, he'd be in the right position to go on to something very big.''

For just a second there I thought Jim Lampley had switched from HBO's boxing to HBO's Real Sex documentaries. I could almost hear ''Bow chicka wow chicka wow wow wow'' playing in the background. Lampley, I never thought I'd say this to you but...you're giving boxing a filthy reputation. Even Don King never said anything like that.

Waylon Jennings: The story of Hoss and his turkeys

JD's quotes:

'Waylon' by Waylon Jennings with Lenny Kaye is a very frank and often humble look back on the life and times of one of Country music's hardcore elite. Most of the fun in books like these is the name-dropping. Waylon has been friends with everyone from Buddy Holly to Big Bird. Even the smallest stories in Waylon's book are bringing you true 'insider' information. From Ernest Tubb to Elvis Presley, you get a rather candid look at the people through Waylon's eyes. As the more comical bits lend themselves to the Say what? blog, here they are as follows:

Waylon's picture of how smoothly he broke into a life in music:

''I was expelled from music class in high school for ''lack of musical ability.'' If they wanted a B flat, they'd just hand me a B and I'd flatten it.''

Waylon talks about one of his earliest gigs in show business-his life as a radio personality, complete with local grocer's ADS:

''One time I said, ''Come on down to George's Fruit and Vegetables. You can't beat George's meat.'' The phones lit up pretty bright after that one...''

Waylon reflects on times when he lacked clearheadedness:

''Another time I dropped some cigarette ashes down the pocket of my new deerskin jacket. I'm on fire! It flared up and burnt the sleeves right from my body. I kept patting at the flames, sitting there, too high to think of taking it off.''

''I got so drunk, I stumbled outside and passed out. They left me there and put a pillow under my head, right in the middle of nowhere. When I woke up it was getting dark. I opened my eyes, unsticking them one at a time, and looked right into the snout of a black and white spotted hog that had come up and was snorting at my face...''

Waylon getting into stories about his musical predecessors and peers:

One of numerous mentions involving the infamous Faron Young involving Faron's friendship with Hank Williams Sr.

''He took a loaded gun and pointed it to Faron's temple, cocked it, and said, ''Boy, I love that woman. Now you can either giver her to me or I'm going to kill you.''

Faron sat there and thought it over for a minute. ''Wouldn't that be great? To be killed by Hank Williams!'' He wound up driving Hank and Billie Jean around in Hank's Cadillac, with the two of them loving it up in the back seat.''




Waylon touches on the special relationship Elvis Presley had with the people around him:

''They talk about him giving away Cadillacs, but I imagine a Cadillac would be earned after a few months with him.''

''...and Colonel Tom Parker didn't help. I think a monkey could've managed Elvis, and maybe done a better job.''

Waylon kicks back with icon Hank Locklin:

''Hank Locklin was the older, more established artist headlining. Hank was sitting right beside me and across from Lynne, talking about that beautiful red-headed woman over there. ''Look at her,'' he kept saying. ''She is so goddamn fine. I wonder who that is.''

I allowed him to go on for a while, but finally I had to let him in on the secret. ''Well, she's my wife.''

Hank didn't bat an eye. ''She reminds me so much of my daughter,'' he said, real quick.''


Finally, of course, Waylon's assorted mentions of Willie Nelson:

''People there think when they die they're going to Willie's house.''

''I was upset. ''Somebody find that red-headed bastard and get him here,'' I said.''

''F*** you, Jack,'' retorted Willie, and then came back to me chuckling, and said, ''I've always wanted to say f*** you to somebody whose real name is Jack.''

''He's my personal Willie, and I'm his Waylon. Yin and yang. Where there's a Will, there's a Way.''

The ''Jack'' in question is of Cowboy Jack Clement who mentioned to Willie that he had to sing ''on the beat''. Willie did not agree... and still doesn't.



Old Hoss himself in good humor took time to play a turkey farmer in the Sesame Street movie ''Follow That Bird'' and here he is with the tune ''Ain't no road too long''...it's kind of a duet...

Willie Nelson: Singer of songs, picker of guitars, author of books and an in-your-face milk drinker, what's it to ya?

JD's quotes:

In the book ''The Facts of Life: And other dirty jokes'' by Willie Nelson, Willie treats us to an unusual compilation of country music tales, just plain country tales, priceless pictures, adult jokes and his own song lyrics wrapped up in a weird ''I'm telling you what's going on while I tell you what happened real time'' style. Often he just starts out a section by saying something like ''Pooky wants me to tell you this one'' or '' We just got done with dinner'' or ''Did I tell you the editors liked the book?''.

Willie's writing style is so casual that if you just threw in a ton of abbreviations, it might as well be your wife text messaging to tell you your mother came to visit and she wants to know if you want her to pick up the no fly boxers or the regulars at Walmart.

Willie shows off that he is probably the richest source of country music stories alive and frequently veers into references of legends like they were his neighbors or relatives...of course sometimes they actually are but you know what I mean.

A fragment of one of Willie's stories:

''Hank kept singing, Chubby kept fiddling, and someone went home with Hank Snow's hair.''

Willie on the origins of his eventually famous hobby and pure skill at it:

''Me and sister Bobbie and some of the rest of the kids around Abbott, the Harwells and the Rajecks, we'd smoke anything that burned. We tried corn silks, cedar bark, coffee grounds, and grapevines before graduating to Bull Durham roll-your-own tobacco, and we did. That's where I learned to roll and why I can roll a joint faster than any living person.''

Willie has always put a down home spin on spirituality...unless he's putting an outer space spin on it...he puts a spin on it either way. One of Willie's allusions to his individual spiritual beliefs in this book includes:

''Of course, I believe in reincarnation. I believe you keep coming back until you get wise. Then if you want to come back again to show off a little, that's OK too. It's all right to come back a few times just to be wise, just so other people can see you and say, ''Damn, he's wise.'' ''




Willie is an intellectual sort but he always takes the shine off of it in his own rare way. A good example of that is when he mentioned how he'd prefer to remain on his legendarily pimped out tour bus instead of in a motel.

''We have just pulled into somewhere. Maybe a truck stop. Maybe the motel. This is exciting. I can't wait to see which one it is. If it's a truck stop, I'll stay on the bus. If it's a motel, I'll stay on the bus. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind. I was just being factitious, I think. I'll look that up. If factitious doesn't apply, I'll have another big word in there before a cat can lick its ass.''

Also, Willie raises interesting questions to specific individuals like:

''Why do you care whether or not I drink milk? As long as I drink milk responsibly, why is it any of your business?''

Willie is still the most quote-worthy country singer I can get away with quoting...David Allen Coe's quote's get you thrown in jail or sued.

Check out Willie's 70th birthday celebration while Toby Keith and Scott Emerik sing ''I'll never smoke weed with Willie again'', a song they wrote and performed in front of Willie himself.

Deep Thoughts...by Floyd Mayweather

JD's quotes:

''Pretty Boy'' Floyd Mayweather Jr., aka ''Money'' Mayweather, has done his best to set himself apart from all other boxers and certainly he has some interesting observations about why he might be so unique and about anyone who isn't thoroughly entertained by his skills.

Floyd on Larry Merchant [addressing the camera as Larry Merchant gives him an unimpressed post fight interview]:

''Larry Merchant is just a commentator, he don't know nothing about boxing.''

From the HBO documentary, Mayweather/Hatton 24/7:

Floyd on his mother's praise of him as a child:

''I think she knew that I was special because I think I was better than the rest of the kids.''

Also from HBO's Mayweather Hatton 24/7:

Floyd Mayweather Jr. on himself (I'll leave it out of context for laughs):

''I ain't got no hair...and I'm always green.''

Although at the time Floyd mentioned this last thought, he did appear to both be black and have some hair, I still believe him...why would anyone lie about that?

Mike Tyson...pure romance: The quotes that are better than Barry White music

JD'S quotes:

Okay, just for our commenter, Dig, I'm going to do some more Boxing stuff. First, let's do more Mike Tyson. Anyone who doesn't think Mike has a sweet side should see this. Please, keep in mind that this is from THREE SEPARATE INTERVIEWS...

Mike, charming a female journalist like the sweet talker that he is:

''I normally don't do interviews with womens unless I fornicate with them''

Mike explaining his supposed unique physical situation:

''I may like fornicating more than other people, it's just who I am.''

Mike on the riches of fame and fortune in his blessed life:

''I never dreamed of fornicating with many as beautiful women as I did.''

If this isn't enough to convince you that Mike is just like a bulky Don Juan, he also is a singer with the voice of an angel...here he is on ''Jimmy Kimmel Live'' doing a duet with Bobby Brown which might bring a tear to your eye...although it might be a tear of excruciating pain more than anything else:

Mike Tyson's dating method? (Larry Merchant quotes, for the boxing romantic)

JD's quotes:

Once upon a time...the greatest boxing commentator in all the land said something that could easily be misconstrued... Larry Merchant speaking of then heavyweight champ, Mike Tyson as Tyson made his way to the ring in his prime, stated:

''Mike has termed this phase of a fight, his favorite phase. He calls it ''like going out on a date'', it's finally gonna happen...Of course, his idea of a date... is Wham Bam, thank you, sir.''

...Larry, be honest...Were you trying to pick a fight, here? Also, here's a treat for Larry's fans who want to see him be more ''hands on'' with the audience:

Regis knows things: The best out-of-context quote I've ever seen

JD's quotes:

Yeah, old Uncle Regis, he's been around the block a few times.
King of Television aka Regis Philbin aka ''Big Daddy'' on ''Live with Regis and Kelly'' remarks:


''I can tell you... because I've been with Madonna-few times now; not-not a uh, transvestite.''

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'What?'. . .and you're right where I want you to be when you're thinking that. All I'll say is that it's an accurate quote. I'm leaving it out of context though because it's too perfect not too. Sorry!



Here's a great clip of Regis doing Jimmy Kimmel for a Don Rickles special episode: