Recently, I was handed a copy of one hilarious installment of the Dear Abby column and advised to read it. I must say...although I did not have any urge to read Dear Abby, I was pretty happy with what I read.
The question went exactly like this:
''Dear Abby: My wife is a pug nut. She has two ugly dogs, and she lets them sleep with us. The dogs snore and break wind all night, and she thinks it's cute. If I snore or break wind, she tells me it's annoying. She dresses these dogs in expensive gowns and pearls. Now she expects me to drive them 1,200 miles to our vacation home, while she flies. She also wants to buy a third dog. What do I do? _ No. 4 in New Jersey.''
Okay, allow me to cut off everything Abby said so I can answer. TESTICULAR IMPLANT, man. Get two of them and some divorce papers. Before that though, try feeding the dogs a few cans of beans topped with salsa. Then, when it's bedtime, leave the room and shut the door behind you. Then when you see your wife in the morning, ask her if she slept okay and if the dogs were just extra, extra cute with her during the night.
PS: You're in luck. Contrary to popular belief, there are actually women out there who aren't completely monkey-turd crazy. They do exist. Look for small clues like say, not putting jewelry and gowns on animals. Stuff like that. It's all about subtle clues. Other bad signs are bug eyes, always carrying glue in their purse, laughing at plants, drinks perfume, has a painting of Jesus next to a painting of Nixon and/or watches The View regularly. Good luck. I will be reading Dear Abby from now on, incidentally.
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The Chromium-Diabetes connection: Do you know about GTF?
