Canine AIDS is not a laughing matter? (Real George Carlin Quotes)

JD's quotes: From: George Carlin's HBO special, 'George Carlin: What Am I Doin' in New Jersey?', performed at the Park Theater in Union City, New Jersey.

In George Carlin's act, he was good enough so that most of the things he said, tended to fall under a title. He performed pieces, like a classical musician, only with stand-up comedy instead of a violin or a piano. Like, in this special he had a piece detailing a long ''list of people I can do without''. Classic. And, unlike many George Carlin quotes and essays and whatever the dink else that float around on the Internet, this is really from George. I know, because we verify our quotes to a source. This source was George's mouth. I saw his lips move with my own eyes and heard these words come out with my own ears. So, rest assured, this stuff is real, genuine Carlinism. Now for his quotes:

Included in his ''list of people I can do without'' are several occupational hazard types. Among them, George includes:

1. ''A brain surgeon with ''Born to lose'' tattooed on his hands.''
2. ''A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand.''
3. ''A funeral director who says ''Hope to see you folks again, real soon!''.''
4. ''A proctologist with poor depth perception''

George on recreational, pharmaceutical advances he looks forward to:

5. ''They don't have any rectal drugs, do they? That's going to be a big advance when we have that. Soon as we have-Yeah, then you can hide them and take them at the same time, you know?''

George on suggestions to keep people on their toes and also on snazzy cartoon character watches:

6. ''Someone asks you what time it is, say, ''Well, . . .it's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.''.''

George on the epidemic road rage crisis:

7. ''I like kind of a preventive violence in my car. Know what I have? In the rear window of my car, I have one of those diamond-shaped, yellow signs that says ''Armed pit bull with AIDS on board''. And I'll tell you, even the jack-offs are leaving me alone.''

Lastly: George Carlin panders to the New Jersey crowd he's playing to?

''I like New Jersey. I even have one of those T-shirts you guys sell. It says ''Kiss her where it smells. Take her to New Jersey.'' So, I'm a supporter.''

~Yeah, I didn't think so. Not big on the pandering, was he?

I'm keeping this post short and sweet. When George died, I thought about doing a nice, long R. I. P. post for him and talking about how he's in our prayers now that he's passed away and whatnot, but you know what? George would've HATED that. He hated the sugarcoated term ''passed away'', he was an atheist and he just didn't like sappy bullsh*t, like prayers for the dead. So, now, months later, I'm doing a short and sweet George Carlin quote post with only a minor point of his being D-E-A-D, not going to heaven or hell but leaving some interesting stuff behind for us and any George Carlin fan can appreciate that. George can't, because he's dead and gone and even the Flying Spaghetti Monster can't change that, Bucko. Forget about that vulgar, blasphemous, misanthropic a**hole. That's what I'm going with, . . . because I think George would've loved that sh*t.

Aw, what the heck? I'll miss ya, George. I think about something you've said damned near every day and I probably always will, you curmudgeonly old nihilist. 'Say what?' salutes you and the horse you rode in on.

To see a little more 'Say what?' fun with George Carlin, please click here: George Carlin jokes about cancer, canine expiration and Elmer Fudd getting the shaft again

Why did Cleopatra try to give up her throne to become a beekeeper?

Pictured above is Katie Morgan, sexual historian . . . and porn star. Okay, really more porn star than historian. Mostly an amateur historian and a professional porn star. If you want to get technical about it, that is.

Disclaimer: While this is not an X-Rated post on 'Say what?', there are adult subjects broached. You have probably guessed this as a likelihood, because you are smart and there's a picture of a porn star up there, but I thought I'd warn you anyway. It's not profane, but it is adult. Proceed at your own risk. Be safe. Wear protection. I am. I'm wearing a tin foil hat and ear muffs. I do that for every post, though. Don't ask.

JD'S Quotes:

So, why did Cleopatra try to give up her throne to become a beekeeper? As always, the smart ones will figure out the title by the end of the post. Anyway, I think I've mentioned that I love documentaries. I've also looked very hard for humorous quotes from documentaries for you all. So, out of a pure dedication to the readers of 'Say what?' and sheer intellectual curiosity for history and technology; I watched HBO's Katie Morgan On Sex Toys - A documentary on the history up to now of sex toys, narrated by brainy blonde pornographic starlet, Katie Morgan...who narrated the show nude even though it wasn't technically necessary in any way. Great documentary. Not only was it informative and funny but - Hey, did I happen to mention that Katie Morgan narrated the show nude? Because, she did do that, in case you had wondered. Here are some of nude narrator Katie Morgan's quotes from this fine, fine documentary where the narrator, Katie Morgan, nudely narrated:


*Oh, and by the way, the narrator, Katie Morgan,... she was nude the entire time she was narrating. I just thought I'd mention that. You know me, anything to get people excited about history.

1. Katie on approving of modern technological advances in sexual recreation:

''You know, there's probably never been a better time than today to be an out and out sex maniac.''

2. Katie Morgan on the proper priorities for all ancient cultures-anthropologically speaking, I believe:

''Well, actually, sex toys are hardly new. Consider the dildo. The very first sex toy has been around since the stone age! That's at least 20,000 years before the invention of the wheel. Well, first thing's first, I always say.''

3. Katie Morgan on psychology and impotence: What not to do:

''Comparing yourself to the Greek god of hard-ons could lead to a serious case of limp wiener.''

4. Katie Morgan, perhaps commenting on the most significant role Cleopatra played in ancient history:

''They say Cleopatra invented the very first vibrator by filling a gourd with buzzing bees.''

~Okay, most significant role from Katie's personal perspective.

5. Katie then talked about the completely true history of the modern electrically powered vibrator, which doctors used to treat hysteria in women. It was invented just for the purposes of this good old fashioned medical remedy. Before our next quote, a brief intermission . . . :

The following is a brief and possibly inaccurate reenactment of an early twentieth century doctor's office, from the makers of 'Say what?':

Nurse Willis: Hysterical again, Cathy? Well, the doctor will be with you in a moment.
(buzzing sound and yelling in the background)
Cathy: What's that buzzing sound, nurse Willis?
Nurse Willis: Well, let's just say that your treatments will go a lot faster, from now on.

Man, doctors can be incredibly brilliant healers, can't they? Okay, back to Katie's quote on this particular therapy:

''Unmarried women and nuns were especially encouraged to go in for weekly treatments . . . It was almost worth taking vows for.''

Now, I have known a few nuns in my time and even in this modern day in age, I think they could all use these treatments. Oh, sure. Now, it seems like sexist, chauvinistic, barbaric quackery but would you prefer politically correct medicine or a relaxed nun who doesn't want to kick your ass with a ruler? Be honest.

6. And, last but not least -also, most deserving of the disclaimer: Katie talks about the need for an appliance that can do just about anything, from a very old magazine ad, I think:

''How often do you get to shave your legs and get yourself off with one handy appliance? . . . Just don't get your attachments confused.''

Well, Katie, you have certainly given us all quite a bit to think about and some good advice about avoiding genital catastrophe with a multipurpose personal appliance. You are a smart lady and one hot historian. And, I salute you.

Future Headline: Pete Rose gets double ineligibility after attacking Bob Costas

JD's quotes:

Believe it or not, I think this is the first Baseball related post on 'Say what?'. To our Baseball quote enthusiasts who are shocked that we haven't even at least gotten in a Yogi Berra post...sorry about that. HBO's Costas NOW examined the current state of major league baseball and various Hall of Fame eligibility issues, like players whose stats don't seem as great compared to the steroid-induced stats that today's players often put up. Pete Rose had to show up live via satellite due to health issues. Apparently, this made a fine setting for a zinger. Host, Bob Costas gives Pete the following introduction:

''And now, Pete Rose had been planning to be with us, here in New York. And, despite a case of food poisoning-ever the gamer- he actually went to the airport before being grounded by his ailment. He will join us though, by satellite. He is, of course, the all-time hits leader. And, we really wanted to have him here. And, you know, w-what are the odds? Food poisoning - right before a big show like this. What are the odds of that? Actually, Pete, I'm thinking you probably know, the answer to that question. (Much applause ensues). . . Are you feeling better, Pete?''

Pete via satellite: ''Yeah, smartass.''

For those that don't know, Pete Rose is ineligible to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame because he gambled on Baseball games while playing for and later managing the Cincinnati Reds. I'd say Pete took that joke well, all things considered.

How To Romance A Roman Woman: Titus Pullo's Lecture On Harmony Between The Sexes

~ The ancient Roman version of a buddy cop duo. Ray Stevenson on the left as Titus Pullo and Kevin McKidd on the right as Lucius Vorenus on HBO's Rome.

HBO's movie-quality series Rome was a favorite of mine. I was fascinated by the everything about it, including the amazing amount of Britishness...that was weird. Rome's storyline took two names briefly mentioned in a historical account of Rome's war in Gaul by Julius Caesar and developed large, influential biographies during the plot of the show that allowed for great dramatic licence as well as a good sense of the actual political turmoil at the time. The two figures were Titus Pullo (perfectly played by Ray Stevenson) and Lucius Vorenus (played by the immensely talented Scotsman, Kevin McKidd). Rome was the kind of soap opera that a real man such as myself would watch and its humor was certainly not lacking, so blended with the deep drama you'd swear Joss Whedon wrote the damn thing (He didn't, it was Bruno Heller, mostly). Either way, my quotes today are from one of my favorite scenes of the short-lived series.

Roman solider, Lucius Vorenus, comes back from a long military campaign to find he isn't suited for domestic life and is completely incapable of getting along with his now more mature wife and the young children that barely remember their father. Trying to please his wife, he asks Titus Pullo, a fierce but flaky soldier and unabashed ladies man for the best in ancient romantic advice. Taking a walk together, Lucius takes in a brilliant lecture from his subordinate as follows:

JD'S Quotes: Warning: This conversation is just a bit graphic...But informative.

Titus Pullo: Of course, your best method for pleasing a woman is the warm beating heart of an enemy. I mean, women will say they don't like it but they do. It makes them wet as October.

Vorenus: Well, that doesn't answer.

Pullo: Well, failing that, talk to her.

Vorenus: Talk? But of what?

Pullo: It doesn't matter. It's all about the tone of the voice. Pretend you're putting a saddle on a skittish horse. 'There, Honey. Shh, come now.'. You know, that sort of thing.

Vorenus: And that's all?

Pullo: What else?...Oh, tell her she's beautiful-all the time. Tell her she's beautiful every time you see her, even when she's not.

Vorenus: And what else?

Pullo: Oh, aye. Also, very important: When you couple with her, there's this spot just above her cunny. It's like a little button. Now, attend to that button and she will open up like a flower.

Vorenus, stopping angrily: How do you know this of her?

Pullo, defensively: All women have them! Ask anyone.

Now, when I said this was informative earlier, I pretty much had a handle on everything, personally, save for the warm beating heart of an enemy part. And, with today's current laws...it's just not worth a shortcut to October weather. You know what I mean?

The Truth About Bear Feces, Porcupine Recipes & The North Korean Scrabble Tournament

Lucy's Quotes:


~ Comedy icon, Dana Carvey.

One of SNL's most successful stars, Dana Carvey, just came out with another HBO special called Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies, performed at the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa, California. Dana's still got it and trots out all the old standby impersonations to the delight of the crowd and touches on his standard fare with lots of current political talk (Mixed with old political icons). Dana's musings cover everyone from Deepak Chopra to Dick Cheney, including the following:





1. In my favorite bit of the special, Dana ponders the mind behind the CBS program, 60 Minutes and its famous segment A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney. Dana muses that Andy must have had some ideas that he wouldn't be able to express on network television.


Dana doing his hilarious impression of the 89-year-old thinker:

''Why does the expression ''Does a bear sh!t in the woods'' substitute for the word 'yes'? You say to your friend, 'Do you go to the store?' and instead of saying 'yes', they'll say 'Does a bear sh!t in the woods?'. Bears don't only sh!t in woods. Polar bears might sh!t on ice or in water. An overworked circus bear might sh!t his pants while riding a unicycle . . . 'Cause, how would an overworked circus bear know when to go to the bathroom? He wouldn't have opposing thumbs to get off his little tuxedo. His handler would be out having a cigarette with the clown . . . These are things I think of in the night. People ask me, ''Andy, do you hear voices in your head?'' and I always say 'Does a bear sh!t in the woods?'.''


2. Dana over the years has enjoyed Al Gore's often awkward personality in front of the cameras. His own impression of Al has gone from mechanical to, well...:



Dana on Al Gore's newest public persona:
''I love Al Gore, but when did he start sounding like a gay Forrest Gump?''


3. Dana talking about President Bush's intense discourse with Kim Jong-il about ending their nuclear weapon's program once upon a time:

Dana as Kimmy: Mr. Bush, North Korea going to stand down on our nuclear program. We are not going to continue if you end your sanctions against our country.
Dana as ''W'': Let me tell you something right now. Fool me twice, once on shame. Fool me again and twice and once.
Dana as Kimmy: What the f*ck kind of English is that? You got three adjectives in a row, two pronouns back to back and a dangling participle!
Dana as ''W'': I'm rubber, you're glue . . . Scooby-doo.
Dana as Kimmy: Jesus Christ, English my fifth language. I could still kick your ass at Scrabble.

4. Dana as that loveable little Texas bajillionaire, Ross Perot: ''You can't put a porcupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect to make licorice.''

*This isn't the first time Dana has uttered this phrase while imitating Ross Perot's colorful countryisms.

5. Dana did a long spiel involving former president Ronald Reagan mapping out the future of politics after his own administration.

Dana as George H.W. Bush speaking of George W. Bush to Ronald Reagan:

''Well, not the crunchiest chip in the bag there.''

6. Dana as Reagan talking to Senator John Kerry: No, you can't be president.

Dana as Kerry: Why not?
Dana as Reagan: Because you look like Herman Munster. Your face is 19% longer than anatomically thought possible. Now get the f*ck out.

7. And, lastly:

Dana as Reagan talking about who would be president after ''W'':

''Well, we won't know till we know. That's all I'll tell you. But I've got my eye on a nice African-American gentleman from Illinois- Wonderful speaker, kind of looks like a cross between the Mad magazine guy and Urkel.''


Well, I don't know about you but if Obama gets elected, that's pretty much all I'll see when I look at him for the next few years, thanks to Dana.



Today's post is brought to you by:

*No ephedra
*No caffeine
*No stimulants at all!

It's an all-natural weight loss supplement. Try Slender fx for 90 days, it may be the help you've been looking for without the dangerous side effects that are typical of ''diet pills''. Find it and other premium health care products here- Your Home Based Business Opportunity With Youngevity

The Tao of Calamity (More quotes from Deadwood)

~Above is the woman behind the role of Calamity Jane on HBO's Deadwood. Cleans up nice, doesn't she?


JD and Lucy's quotes:

As promised, we have more Deadwood. Today, it's all Jane. What a character is that Calamity Jane on HBO's potently quote-worthy series Deadwood. The lovely Robin Weigert plays the less-than-lovely Jane with a hilarious flash anger that often results in the Deadwood buzzword ''C**ksucker''.

Jane carries a gun, likes her liquor, treats cursing like a language all its own and usually looks to be encrusted in dirt but it doesn't stop her from nursing the sick or protecting those in need of a protector. Below are some assorted and moderately censored (with asterisks) lines from this colorful character:


9 Encounters with Calamity:

1.
Jane: Maybe I will have a f**kin' drink, just for sociability's sake and cause I'm a f**kin' drunk.
Kim Dickens as Joanie Stubbs: Well, what's your preference?
Jane: That it ain't been previously swallowed.

2.
Brad Dourif as Doc Cochran: Well you ARE an EN-tangled inebriate are you not?
Jane: This happens to be a rig and contraption of my own devising against repeated accidental falls that has temporarily malfunctioned.

3.
County Commissioner Jarry imprisoned at the local jail: I'm thirsty.
Jane: Lie on your back, take aim and piss.

4.
''What the F**K you lookin' at?!!! . . . Like HE'S a f**kin' Adonis.''

5.
Calamity Jane meets a long pause after telling an embarrassing story to Charlie Utter (Dayton Callie) and Sheriff Bullock (Timothy Olyphant):

''Fella in Livingston went sweet on me... Finnish Feller from Finland, hardly spoke f**kin' English. Brought me flowers and some dry food they like there and uh one night, he takes my arm and he starts in and he uh whispers in his-in his Finland accent ''I wanna suck your c**k.''. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .What d'ya f**kin' think a that?''


6.
''Question I wake to in the morning and pass out with at night-'What's my popularity with my fellow white people?' ''

7.
''I dreamed last night, I was clamorin' up a f**kin' creek bank...which is often required of a drunk.''

8.
''Refined spirits'll sometimes convulse me.''

9. Jane on one of her frequent drunken rants:

''People are f**kin' people and that is f**ked up. You don't know what the f**k I'm talking about, cause you don't know people.''

Lycopersicon esculentum salsiconnicus applicipus es gluteus maximus

JD's quotes:


Pardon my Latin. Anyway, having received a request for quotes from The Sopranos, I thought I'd give you my favorite.


HBO's 'The Sopranos': James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano

Tony: What is that?
Irina [His Russian girlfriend]: Chicken Soup for the Soul
Tony: Should read 'Tomato sauce for your ass', it's the Italian version.




Check out yet another hilarious Mad TV parody, this time being The Sopranos on the PAX network:

Bill Maher and the swinging seniors: One of our least savory quotes, really

Lucy's quotes:


Bill Maher addresses sex in the senior citizen community on Real Time With Bill Maher during his monologue:


''And did you here about this? There's a new study in the paper this week that said more and more seniors are having sex-including oral sex-into their 80's. This was published in the New England Journal of Ugh! Oral sex into the 80's? And you thought you didn't want to kiss grandma because of her mustache.''



Speaking of senior citizens and oral sex-try not to watch the HBO drama ''Tell me you love me'' around meal-time...that's my personal plea...please be careful.

A clip from Real Time With Bill Maher in the opening sketch:

Bow chicka wow chicka wow wow: The Jim Lampley quote that sounds wrong when you think about it

JD'S quotes:

The other night I watched one of HBO's fighter recaps. What they like to do-and I'm glad they do- is show one or two of the most recent or best fights by a fighter before their next big upcoming bout. Ricky Hatton VS Floyd Mayweather Jr. was certainly one of the biggest fights this year and so they chose to show two fights before the big pay-per-view event. They showed Floyd's so-called ''victory'' over Oscar De La Hoya where Floyd managed to mysteriously rack up the punch stats while not landing punches (even sometimes while not throwing them) and Ricky ''The Hitman'' Hatton's victory over a spent legend named Jose Luis Castillo. The introduction to the Hatton/Castillo re-run proves the point that boxing is just plain dirty... I'll prove it with this quote:

Commentator Jim Lampley referring to the anticipation over the Hatton/Castillo bout:

''If Hatton could do Castillo and do him the right way, he'd be in the right position to go on to something very big.''

For just a second there I thought Jim Lampley had switched from HBO's boxing to HBO's Real Sex documentaries. I could almost hear ''Bow chicka wow chicka wow wow wow'' playing in the background. Lampley, I never thought I'd say this to you but...you're giving boxing a filthy reputation. Even Don King never said anything like that.

Deep Thoughts...by Floyd Mayweather

JD's quotes:

''Pretty Boy'' Floyd Mayweather Jr., aka ''Money'' Mayweather, has done his best to set himself apart from all other boxers and certainly he has some interesting observations about why he might be so unique and about anyone who isn't thoroughly entertained by his skills.

Floyd on Larry Merchant [addressing the camera as Larry Merchant gives him an unimpressed post fight interview]:

''Larry Merchant is just a commentator, he don't know nothing about boxing.''

From the HBO documentary, Mayweather/Hatton 24/7:

Floyd on his mother's praise of him as a child:

''I think she knew that I was special because I think I was better than the rest of the kids.''

Also from HBO's Mayweather Hatton 24/7:

Floyd Mayweather Jr. on himself (I'll leave it out of context for laughs):

''I ain't got no hair...and I'm always green.''

Although at the time Floyd mentioned this last thought, he did appear to both be black and have some hair, I still believe him...why would anyone lie about that?

I can only imagine: Dane Cook leaves quote up to the imagination

Lucy's quotes:


Dane Cook on his HBO comedy special, Vicious Circle:


''Guys, we will go to our friend's HOUSE. We will wake people to tell this story, right? (Knocking sounds) Jason! (Knocking) Jason, dude, I'm sorry to wake you up. I'm sorry to wake you, bro. Do you remember that chick that I left with earlier tonight? Hoohhhhhh. . .C'Mere. . .Smell my EYES. . .Just smell my eyes, I'll tell you what happened.''

What?!!! What, damn it!???!!!??!!! What the crunk happened with that girl?!!! Sorry, I just really want to know. What could she have done with Dane? How could she have left a noticeable odor on his eyes, people? How? Why? It's killing me! What kind of kinky sex act could've been performed on this man? I need to go do some research now. Later.


Check out a VERY young Dane Cook:

The incredible edible egg and the greatest back-up dancers in a hip hop video

Lucy's quotes:

HBO's little known gem, Flight of the Conchords ran for one season this year and has been canceled. We will always have that one season of deadpan delight though and of course, their music. The show chronicles an attempt at fame by a contemporary New Zealand folk duo. . .folk/rock/reggae/rap. . .and I'm not sure what else. With them is their only fan, Mel [Comedian Kristen Schaal] and their manager Murray Hewitt aka Gingerballs [comedian Rhys Darby]. They come to America from New Zealand and they are ultimately outdone by a bossy bongo player. . . What more could you want in a TV series?

Bret McKenzie as Bret, who is sadly the ladies' man of the two:

''The eggs were really nice, like your lips...So....your lips look delicious...like as delicious as the eggs...probably more delicious.''

. . .Man that guy is smooooooth.



Watch Bret's moves as he pulls the classic Flight of the Conchords move by slipping into a music video out of nowhere. The only time the shy, reserved and hilariously dull singers break out of their quiet shell is when they morph into their musical personas, often with their embarrassing rap names. Jermaine-played by Jermaine Clement shows up along with what must be the finest backup dancers in all of hip hop:

Snow White's posse wants a discount

JD's quotes: HBO's Deadwood


Ian McShane as saloon owner/Pimpmeister Al Swearengen:

''You better have a paying dwarf underneath you.''




Also from Deadwood: Paula Malcomson as prostitute Trixie:

''I can't be sure; never seen a rich person high before.''