Monday, August 4, 2008

How To Romance A Roman Woman: Titus Pullo's Lecture On Harmony Between The Sexes

~ The ancient Roman version of a buddy cop duo. Ray Stevenson on the left as Titus Pullo and Kevin McKidd on the right as Lucius Vorenus on HBO's Rome.

HBO's movie-quality series Rome was a favorite of mine. I was fascinated by the everything about it, including the amazing amount of Britishness...that was weird. Rome's storyline took two names briefly mentioned in a historical account of Rome's war in Gaul by Julius Caesar and developed large, influential biographies during the plot of the show that allowed for great dramatic licence as well as a good sense of the actual political turmoil at the time. The two figures were Titus Pullo (perfectly played by Ray Stevenson) and Lucius Vorenus (played by the immensely talented Scotsman, Kevin McKidd). Rome was the kind of soap opera that a real man such as myself would watch and its humor was certainly not lacking, so blended with the deep drama you'd swear Joss Whedon wrote the damn thing (He didn't, it was Bruno Heller, mostly). Either way, my quotes today are from one of my favorite scenes of the short-lived series.

Roman solider, Lucius Vorenus, comes back from a long military campaign to find he isn't suited for domestic life and is completely incapable of getting along with his now more mature wife and the young children that barely remember their father. Trying to please his wife, he asks Titus Pullo, a fierce but flaky soldier and unabashed ladies man for the best in ancient romantic advice. Taking a walk together, Lucius takes in a brilliant lecture from his subordinate as follows:

JD'S Quotes: Warning: This conversation is just a bit graphic...But informative.

Titus Pullo: Of course, your best method for pleasing a woman is the warm beating heart of an enemy. I mean, women will say they don't like it but they do. It makes them wet as October.

Vorenus: Well, that doesn't answer.

Pullo: Well, failing that, talk to her.

Vorenus: Talk? But of what?

Pullo: It doesn't matter. It's all about the tone of the voice. Pretend you're putting a saddle on a skittish horse. 'There, Honey. Shh, come now.'. You know, that sort of thing.

Vorenus: And that's all?

Pullo: What else?...Oh, tell her she's beautiful-all the time. Tell her she's beautiful every time you see her, even when she's not.

Vorenus: And what else?

Pullo: Oh, aye. Also, very important: When you couple with her, there's this spot just above her cunny. It's like a little button. Now, attend to that button and she will open up like a flower.

Vorenus, stopping angrily: How do you know this of her?

Pullo, defensively: All women have them! Ask anyone.

Now, when I said this was informative earlier, I pretty much had a handle on everything, personally, save for the warm beating heart of an enemy part. And, with today's current's just not worth a shortcut to October weather. You know what I mean?


historylover said...

Humm, I never heard of this show, I don't get hbo, but it sounds like it must be really good, But i wonder if my husband watches it, cause it sounds a little like how he talks. He says I look beautiful all the time, even when i know he's lying, but hey thats ok. Actually, if he didnt say that, he'd be in trouble!

JD and Lucy said...

History: It was pretty interesting. They shot it in Italy and made it as true to what the culture was at the time that they could no matter how bizarre or graphic it was. Not for everybody but I was addicted to it.

The funny thing was that a lot of the actors were British or affected an upper class British accent because it sounds regal. The commoner types on the show though spoke like common Brits of the working class so here these Roman soldiers and whatnot are saying things like 'Innit?', 'Bloody hell' or whatever other Britishisms. A bit strange considering their attention to detail in other things. Like I said, an interesting project, lol.


Fitzgerald said...

You know, I think I know exactly what you mean, but then again our rainy season is in February. Actually this is a tropical semi-arid climate which means it is dry most of the time, kind of like my humor.

JD and Lucy said...

...If you're talking in sexual euphemisms, man, I am completely lost.


YogaforCynics said...

That IS informative! I've always said those Romans knew how to party!

The trouble with "wet as October," though is that October tends to be a kind of a wet cold. Wouldn't he prefer a hot rainforest kind of thing?

Or am I thinking about this way too much?