Roman solider, Lucius Vorenus, comes back from a long military campaign to find he isn't suited for domestic life and is completely incapable of getting along with his now more mature wife and the young children that barely remember their father. Trying to please his wife, he asks Titus Pullo, a fierce but flaky soldier and unabashed ladies man for the best in ancient romantic advice. Taking a walk together, Lucius takes in a brilliant lecture from his subordinate as follows:
Titus Pullo: Of course, your best method for pleasing a woman is the warm beating heart of an enemy. I mean, women will say they don't like it but they do. It makes them wet as October.
Vorenus: Well, that doesn't answer.
Pullo: Well, failing that, talk to her.
Vorenus: Talk? But of what?
Pullo: It doesn't matter. It's all about the tone of the voice. Pretend you're putting a saddle on a skittish horse. 'There, Honey. Shh, come now.'. You know, that sort of thing.
Vorenus: And that's all?
Pullo: What else?...Oh, tell her she's beautiful-all the time. Tell her she's beautiful every time you see her, even when she's not.
Vorenus: And what else?
Pullo: Oh, aye. Also, very important: When you couple with her, there's this spot just above her cunny. It's like a little button. Now, attend to that button and she will open up like a flower.
Vorenus, stopping angrily: How do you know this of her?
Pullo, defensively: All women have them! Ask anyone.
Now, when I said this was informative earlier, I pretty much had a handle on everything, personally, save for the warm beating heart of an enemy part. And, with today's current laws...it's just not worth a shortcut to October weather. You know what I mean?