Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sorry, the post office decides how much your average, local prostitute's rates are. . . (Quotes from SNL's Weekend Update)

Pictured above are Tina Fey on the left and Amy Poehler on the right.

Lucy's Quotes:

I've had some spare quotes hanging around from SNL's fake news segment, Weekend Update-my favorite segment since Cas Walker was the anchor and the only weekly host was Art Linkletter. It's been a long time is what I'm saying. Anyway, let's look back on some of the great lines of SNL's Weekend Update segment that I've wrongly and embarrassingly left unused. Here they are from many years of anchorpersons:

Chevy Chase:

''The post office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.''

Colin Quinn:

''In international news, the Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But, you know, that's probably just the booze talking.''

Colin Quinn:

''England's Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their fifty-second wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic, candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''A new article in Vanity Fair says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, 'My Life', in time for his deadline. It's not really surprising since you can only type so fast using one hand.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''Researchers have found that Bottlenose Dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out Vampire Dolphins.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''Scientists say the detection of particles of West Nile Virus in the breast milk of a Michigan woman earlier this month is not cause for alarm. Though just to be on the safe side, they are warning Michigan residents not to suck the woman's nipples.''

Amy Poehler:

''Poland's Prime Minister, Donald Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish Submarines.''

Amy Poehler:

''According to a new survey, 67% of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners.''

Seth Meyers:

''A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: If you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.''

Seth Meyers:

''John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host, Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, without once mentioning McCain's middle name- Methuselah.''

Tina Fey:

''Starting March twenty-ninth, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly because the Irish are known for their easygoing tempers and their respect for authority.''

Tina Fey:

''Supermodel, Cindy Crawford is furiously denying Shaquille O'Neal's claim that he and Crawford have had sex. Although, it is a bit suspicious that Crawford was recently torn in half.''

Tina Fey:

''A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday, after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were ''teaching tools''. Said the professor, ''Teach that bitch to cheat on me.'' ''

I hope you've enjoyed these cute bits and bobbles of SNL's news quotes. To recap, we (SNL and I) have basically discussed prostitution, suckling adults, murder, freakish sex injuries, drug use and offended the Irish, twice. A one-post record for me. We've also offended the Poles and there was some imagery of Bill Clinton masturbating. So, work here is done. I am ready for a nap.

Click here to see all 'Say what?' SNL quote posts. (Although, I'm loath to admit it, JD actually grabbed the first quote we've done from SNL even though he almost never watches it.)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Warning: Sexual Research From Canadian Universities Does Not Verify These Findings

Warning: Sexual Research From Canadian Universities Does Not Verify These Findings

JD's Quotes: From: Rodney Dangerfield in 'Meet Wally Sparks'.

Rodney Dangerfield co-wrote and played the title role in 'Meet Wally Sparks'. Wally is a Jerry Springer-like talk show host fighting cancellation of his show. Okay, well, his character isn't quite as respectable and dignified as Jerry Springer but you get the idea. While the movie isn't what I'd call a classic, I would laugh at Rodney Dangerfield reading a phone book. My favorite bit of dialogue would be where Sparks attends a party at the governor's mansion. As he's schmoozing with various official types, the following bit of dialogue takes place:

Kay Gerhard as the ambassador's wife: My husband is the Canadian ambassador.

Rodney as Wally Sparks: Hey, from Canada, huh? Ho, what a place, Canada! They started a country and nobody showed up, huh? I'm just kidding folks. I'm Wally Sparks. Maybe you've seen my television show, uh?

Edmund L. Shaff as the Canadian ambassador: Well, we don't watch much American television.

Wally: Aw, that's too bad. You know, I heard in Canada, they only have sex doggy style. That way, you can both watch the hockey game.

Since Canadians may be politely up in arms over this ridiculous ethnic stereotype, I will come to the rescue, yet again for my Canadian pals. So that no one gets the wrong idea from Rodney Dangerfield's slight ribbing, here is an official list of other sexual positions, techniques and styles that are all perfectly legal and socially acceptable in Canada (Note that they may be called something different in other countries):

The Polar Bear Pumper, The Upside Down Igloo, The Canuck Winker, The Grumpy Grizzly, The Floating Maple Leaf, The Iroquois Iggy, Aunt Suzie's Pipe, The Fur Trader, Pushing The Oregon Boundary, Pimping The Penguin Pocket, The French Mustache, The Ottawa Hornswaggle, The British Colombian Beaver Burner, The Huckleberry Ham-bacon Hiccup, The Toronto Tickle, The Regina Rifleman, The Slow Whistle, The Saucy Saucer Pass, The Funny Puck-bunny Honey, The Double Kneeling Mountie Polka, The Obtuse Moose Goose, Le Pamplemousse Juteux (The juicy grapefruit, in English, I think) and of course, The Missionary Position. If you actually are both trying to watch a hockey game, that last one isn't practical and may cause an argument. Anyway, thanks to Rodney for his everlasting comic genius and the Canadian people for teaching me that a Toronto Tickle, Le Pamplemousse Juteux and Obtuse Moose Goose should be executed in chronological order. That helped a lot.

PS: I sure am glad I left out 'The Arse Farce'' on the list. That would've been a bit too crass for a fine upstanding blog like this one, eh?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Blue Eyes and Brown Noses: A Phil Hartman Quote

Blue Eyes and Brown Noses: A Phil Hartman Quote

Lucy's quotes:

As some of you may know, I love Saturday Night Live. I Always have. Even back in the days when Walter Winchell did Weekend Update and Danny Thomas was the only weekly host. Lorne Michaels was still there. . . Anyway, I enjoyed watching the hours-long E! channel special entitled, 101 Most Unforgettable SNL Moments. On their list, they featured two impersonations of ol' blue eyes, himself-Frank Sinatra. One by Joe Piscopo and one by the late Phil Hartman, respectively. While Joe Piscopo played Frank as an old singer who wasn't quite with the times and too blunt to be politically correct, he also played him as having an affable side. Phil Hartman took the hilariously exaggerated route and played a Sinatra with a zero-tolerance policy who just couldn't wait to burn you.

Robert Smigel is a longtime SNL writer responsible for SNL's TV Funhouse segment and the puppeteer and voice of Late Night With Conan O'Brien's Triumph, the insult comic dog. During his long stay with SNL while Phil Hartman was still a cast member, Smigel decided to write a version of 'The McLaughlin Group' with Frank Sinatra as the host. The idea came to fruition on January 19, 1991 and saw Sting playing a super-sneering Billy Idol on Frank's panel of celebrity pundits. I know, Billy Idol does not sound like a likely pundit on anything . . .it's part of the humorous scenario, people. Get with it. Anyway, Billy really rubs Frank the wrong way-like everyone did to Phil Hartman's Frank. Phil looks like he might break character a little bit with a smile when he tells Sting ''You don't scare me. I got chunks of guys like you in my stool'' Funny as that is, no it's not the quote of the day. It's just part of the back story. Also on the celebrity panel are Sinead O'Connor (Played by Jan Hooks), and Frank's, uh-pals, Steve and Eydie (played by Mike Meyers and Victoria Jackson). The real quote comes from a Phil Hartman interview in 1996 when Phil recounts:

''I met his-his daughter. She told him ''There's this guy who's impersonating you on Saturday Night Live'' and-and he said ''Yeah, what are they-what are they saying, now?'' She said, ''Well, they did a thing called 'The Sinatra Group' and in it, you say that Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme are a couple of brown-nosers and the audience laughs.'' and he goes ''...Well, that part's true.''

Ah, celebrity reactions. Can't get enough of 'em. By the way, I take back my mini-slam on Lorne Michaels. I wouldn't want to ruin my dreams of some day being the Weekend Update the proud tradition of Winchell.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Why did Cleopatra try to give up her throne to become a beekeeper?

Pictured above is Katie Morgan, sexual historian . . . and porn star. Okay, really more porn star than historian. Mostly an amateur historian and a professional porn star. If you want to get technical about it, that is.

Disclaimer: While this is not an X-Rated post on 'Say what?', there are adult subjects broached. You have probably guessed this as a likelihood, because you are smart and there's a picture of a porn star up there, but I thought I'd warn you anyway. It's not profane, but it is adult. Proceed at your own risk. Be safe. Wear protection. I am. I'm wearing a tin foil hat and ear muffs. I do that for every post, though. Don't ask.

JD'S Quotes:

So, why did Cleopatra try to give up her throne to become a beekeeper? As always, the smart ones will figure out the title by the end of the post. Anyway, I think I've mentioned that I love documentaries. I've also looked very hard for humorous quotes from documentaries for you all. So, out of a pure dedication to the readers of 'Say what?' and sheer intellectual curiosity for history and technology; I watched HBO's Katie Morgan On Sex Toys - A documentary on the history up to now of sex toys, narrated by brainy blonde pornographic starlet, Katie Morgan...who narrated the show nude even though it wasn't technically necessary in any way. Great documentary. Not only was it informative and funny but - Hey, did I happen to mention that Katie Morgan narrated the show nude? Because, she did do that, in case you had wondered. Here are some of nude narrator Katie Morgan's quotes from this fine, fine documentary where the narrator, Katie Morgan, nudely narrated:

*Oh, and by the way, the narrator, Katie Morgan,... she was nude the entire time she was narrating. I just thought I'd mention that. You know me, anything to get people excited about history.

1. Katie on approving of modern technological advances in sexual recreation:

''You know, there's probably never been a better time than today to be an out and out sex maniac.''

2. Katie Morgan on the proper priorities for all ancient cultures-anthropologically speaking, I believe:

''Well, actually, sex toys are hardly new. Consider the dildo. The very first sex toy has been around since the stone age! That's at least 20,000 years before the invention of the wheel. Well, first thing's first, I always say.''

3. Katie Morgan on psychology and impotence: What not to do:

''Comparing yourself to the Greek god of hard-ons could lead to a serious case of limp wiener.''

4. Katie Morgan, perhaps commenting on the most significant role Cleopatra played in ancient history:

''They say Cleopatra invented the very first vibrator by filling a gourd with buzzing bees.''

~Okay, most significant role from Katie's personal perspective.

5. Katie then talked about the completely true history of the modern electrically powered vibrator, which doctors used to treat hysteria in women. It was invented just for the purposes of this good old fashioned medical remedy. Before our next quote, a brief intermission . . . :

The following is a brief and possibly inaccurate reenactment of an early twentieth century doctor's office, from the makers of 'Say what?':

Nurse Willis: Hysterical again, Cathy? Well, the doctor will be with you in a moment.

(buzzing sound and yelling in the background)
Cathy: What's that buzzing sound, nurse Willis?
Nurse Willis: Well, let's just say that your treatments will go a lot faster, from now on.

Man, doctors can be incredibly brilliant healers, can't they? Okay, back to Katie's quote on this particular therapy:

''Unmarried women and nuns were especially encouraged to go in for weekly treatments . . . It was almost worth taking vows for.''

Now, I have known a few nuns in my time and even in this modern day in age, I think they could all use these treatments. Oh, sure. Now, it seems like sexist, chauvinistic, barbaric quackery but would you prefer politically correct medicine or a relaxed nun who doesn't want to kick your ass with a ruler? Be honest.

6. And, last but not least -also, most deserving of the disclaimer: Katie talks about the need for an appliance that can do just about anything, from a very old magazine ad, I think:

''How often do you get to shave your legs and get yourself off with one handy appliance? . . . Just don't get your attachments confused.''

Well, Katie, you have certainly given us all quite a bit to think about and some good advice about avoiding genital catastrophe with a multipurpose personal appliance. You are a smart lady and one hot historian. And, I salute you.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

If that's a real Russian saying, I'll kiss your Smirnoff: An Emily Mortimer anecdote

Lucy's quotes:

A Quick Legal Statement: On the off chance that it's really a Russian saying in Emily's anecdote, I renege on kissing anyone's Smirnoff. It was totally said in jest and not a legally binding agreement. My lawyer says so.

Whew! Now that that's over with, let's get on with the quote. NBC's Late Night With Conan O'Brien gets onto Say what? yet again. Emily Mortimer stopped by Late Night not too long ago to promote her recent movie, Transsiberian. She found herself talking about a former Russian poet she'd dated and the downfall of their relationship. Yes, perfect setting for humor, we know. Emily says as follows:

''And, also, he had a very bushy mustache and I wasn't that into the mustache and I got-I got drunk one night and so did he and he fell asleep and I shaved the mustache off in his sleep.

But I got about half way through and then he woke up and he cried. It was awful. (Audience makes a collective 'aw' sound) And he said-and he said he'd had a mustache since he was fourteen years old and that you know, in Russia, they had a saying that eat-uh-no, what was it? Kissing- (changing to a Russian accent) 'Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.' ''

According to Emily, things started to go steadily downhill after that and they broke up. Not exactly a plot twist. So, the moral of the story is: Don't shave sleeping people without their consent. They will not be happy. . .Unless they're into that sort of thing . . . But most people aren't . . . So, check on that beforehand if you're making any plans.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Future Headline: Pete Rose gets double ineligibility after attacking Bob Costas

JD's quotes:

Believe it or not, I think this is the first Baseball related post on 'Say what?'. To our Baseball quote enthusiasts who are shocked that we haven't even at least gotten in a Yogi Berra post...sorry about that. HBO's Costas NOW examined the current state of major league baseball and various Hall of Fame eligibility issues, like players whose stats don't seem as great compared to the steroid-induced stats that today's players often put up. Pete Rose had to show up live via satellite due to health issues. Apparently, this made a fine setting for a zinger. Host, Bob Costas gives Pete the following introduction:

''And now, Pete Rose had been planning to be with us, here in New York. And, despite a case of food poisoning-ever the gamer- he actually went to the airport before being grounded by his ailment. He will join us though, by satellite. He is, of course, the all-time hits leader. And, we really wanted to have him here. And, you know, w-what are the odds? Food poisoning - right before a big show like this. What are the odds of that? Actually, Pete, I'm thinking you probably know, the answer to that question. (Much applause ensues). . . Are you feeling better, Pete?''

Pete via satellite: ''Yeah, smartass.''

For those that don't know, Pete Rose is ineligible to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame because he gambled on Baseball games while playing for and later managing the Cincinnati Reds. I'd say Pete took that joke well, all things considered.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Female Society Thanks Adam Hunter For Bringing Attention To This Issue:

Female Society Thanks Adam Hunter For Bringing Attention To This Issue:

I tune in to NBC's Last Comic Standing here and there when I can take enough time off from feeding cats. There are some very talented comics who land a spot on this show. I've got three quotes for you from the last episode I caught. Here they are:

Lucy's quotes:

Hailing from Salt Lake City, Utah is a former vocalist in a rock band named Marcus and he can do impressions of Bobcat Goldthwait and Aaron Neville. Not a combination found in nature, I might add. Marcus is already planning to be a big star as he only goes by the one name. Bold move. Prince, Madonna, Marcus. It could work. He talks a lot about music in his act, including:

''I don't understand music today. The music I really don't understand is R & B. Because I grew up on old school R & B. The good stuff. Like Sexual Healing,... Let's Get It On. Those songs-I just said the titles of those songs and three people just got pregnant in this room. That's how good that is. That's how good it works.''

Jim Tavaré, the double bass playing English sketch comedy actor with a pleasantly dry sense of humor says:

''My grandfather always used to say to me 'Son, you don't get anywhere in life unless you open doors.' What happened to him? He fell out of an airplane.''

Adam Hunter is a former wrestler and wrestling coach as well as a comic. He describes how male maturity levels can interfere with a couple's sex life:

''The sex was getting kind of redundant for a while so we went to see a sex therapist. And, uh, he said we should use toys in bed. You know? So, so, she went out and got a vibrator and I got Guitar Hero.''

Recently, for the first time in history, we have full grown men who've grown up with video games and the repercussions reach all aspects of life. Sad, really. My advice is to date men without thumbs. See, you need a man who doesn't have an X-Box addiction and a man with no thumbs is just happy to have a good woman so it really works out for everyone. There. Problem solved. God, I rock at solving society's biggest and most challenging issues. Next, I'm going to tackle the national debt thingamajig. Or, I'll just order a pizza and read a magazine. . . I do need to pace myself.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The New, Cutting-Edged Way To Protect Yourself From That Particular STD

For a mainstream, family friendly comedy, Mrs. Doubtfire was pretty entertaining. It stars Robin Williams as Daniel Hillard, a flaky voice actor but a loving family man and Sally Field as his wife and serious career woman, Miranda. Miranda has had enough of being the sole adult in the family and divorces him. Due to his inability to hold down a regular job, Daniel, by court order, is cut out of his three children's daily lives. Hearing that his wife wants to hire a part time nanny to watch their kids after school, Daniel develops a plan. As a talented voice actor with a brother who works as a make-up artist, he creates an affable character to fool his ex. Mrs. Doubtfire, a proper old Englishwoman with a sparkling background as a nanny is born and is an irresistible nanny for hire to trick his way back into his children's everyday lives.

A jealous Daniel sees his wife falling for an upper class pretty boy named Stu Dunmeyer played by Pierce Brosnan. Daniel gets close to his wife again as Mrs. Doubtfire and does what he can to dissuade her and Stu from each other, telling Miranda that she should wait to get involved with anyone for the sake of the children and making random snide remarks at Stu under his breath...and throwing fruit at him. Stu takes everyone out to celebrate Miranda's birthday to a fancy restaurant and Daniel finds himself alone with Stu at the dinner table- as Mrs. Doubtfire. With this opportunity, he decides to play hardball. Earlier, Stu had given Miranda an expensive bracelet, leading to the following conversation:

JD's quotes:

Daniel/Mrs. Doubtfire:
That's a pretty impressive bauble you got her.

Stu: Hmm? Oh. Thank you. Thank you.

Mrs. Doubtfire: A fellow gives a gift like that, he wants more than a piece of her heart, ay? Hmm? Bit of a going down payment, huh?

Stu: Excuse me?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, you know, Dear. Sink the sub? Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise? Bit of the old Humpty Dumpty? Little Jack Horny? The horizontal mambo? Hmm?

Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire-

Mrs. Doubtfire: The bone dance, eh? Rumple Foreskin, boloney bop. A bit of the old cunny linguistics. Mm?

Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, dear. I'm sorry. Am I being a little graphic? Sorry . . . I hope you're up for a little competition.

Stu: I beg your pardon?

Mrs. Doubtfire: She's got a power tool in the bedroom, Dear. It's her personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She's uses it and the lights dim. It's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth. Ooh . . . I hope you bring cocktail sauce. . . She's got the crabs, Dear, and I don't mean Dungeness. I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I? Forgive me. Oh, . . . mm.

That was arguably the best riff in the movie and on behalf of Say what?, I salute it. For instructions on how to do the official Say what? salute, watch the movie Three Amigos. We pretty much ripped off their salute and added a 3 second raspberry with a split-second whistle at the end. It's a little complicated but there you have the basic instructions.

Friday, August 8, 2008

How do you make a cross joint? You're a disgrace to your people!

Lucy's quotes:
Seth Rogen, renowned marijuana smoker, marijuana advocate and actor who plays stoners was recently on Late Night With Conan O'Brien promoting his movie Pineapple Express which is about a stoner and his stoner dealer. Now, I don't know how it happened but from far left field Conan raised the subject of marijuana. It's beyond me how this subject came up but it did happen.

Featured in Pineapple Express is an astounding technique that can only be performed by a Shaolin master of marijuana...which I think exists. I'm pretty sure Caine from Kung Fu is one. Anyway, Rogen must be one too because he introduced the 'Cross joint' technique into his movie. The cross joint from what I gather is two joints assembled into one cross for maximum effect (Do not try this at home. Especially if you're out of chips.). So, when Conan asks how Rogen's family feels about him publicizing his recreational habit that he's had since childhood, the Jewish Canadian Rogen says this:

''My grandmother is who I was really, really worried about. And uh, she finally saw the movie and you know, the cross joint specifically 'cause you know, you got to know quite a bit about weed to do that. So, uh, uh, so, she-she came up to me after and she's like 'You know, I'm unhappy with you. Especially about that cross joint.' I was like 'Oh, man. Here it comes.' and she's like 'Why couldn't it have been a Star of David joint?' ''

Now, I ask you: If you've got to be a Shaolin marijuana master just to get the cross joint technique a Star of David joint really a fair goal to expect your grandson to attain? Talk about Jewish guilt. That's just unreasonable, Seth Rogen's Grandma! Shame on you!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Incidentally, 'Golf' Backwards Is 'Flog'.

~ Just look at 'er. You know she's about to say something good.

Lucy's quotes:

Ladies and Germs, this is Oprah and The Oprah Winfrey Show's first appearance on Say what?, miraculous as it may seem. Now, I'm not a regular Oprah watcher because they clearly give the audience some type of hallucinogenic drug to rev 'em up like that. Oprah says something like ''I love Versace house slippers!'' and 500 women act like their seats are made by the manufacturers of the Sybian. And, I'm like 'house slippers can't be that good'. However, I did catch yesterday's episode called '237 Reasons To Have Sex', which explored subjects like open marriages and friends with benefits. Dr. Pepper Schwartz was there...No, I didn't make that name up . . . Her name is Pepper and she's a frickin' doctor. No lie.

Anyway, after interviewing people on the street, they got a hold of a 65-year-old woman named Winnie who claims to have had sexy time with her husband in return for a new house. Any objections you may have aside, I say, if your sexy time is still (or ever) worth new-house-value at 65, you probably take vitamins and do yoga 'cause you're doing something right. Today's quote takes place after Winnie admits that her and her husband have sexy time in all sorts of places, prompting the following exchange:

Winnie, the audience member:

''We live on the golf course so we use the golf course at night.''


''That's too good. I-That was just too good. 'Cause you know everybody wants to know what hole.''

. . . Apparently, it was the 16th hole . . . But I'm not even sure that's physically possible!

How To Romance A Roman Woman: Titus Pullo's Lecture On Harmony Between The Sexes

~ The ancient Roman version of a buddy cop duo. Ray Stevenson on the left as Titus Pullo and Kevin McKidd on the right as Lucius Vorenus on HBO's Rome.

HBO's movie-quality series Rome was a favorite of mine. I was fascinated by the everything about it, including the amazing amount of Britishness...that was weird. Rome's storyline took two names briefly mentioned in a historical account of Rome's war in Gaul by Julius Caesar and developed large, influential biographies during the plot of the show that allowed for great dramatic licence as well as a good sense of the actual political turmoil at the time. The two figures were Titus Pullo (perfectly played by Ray Stevenson) and Lucius Vorenus (played by the immensely talented Scotsman, Kevin McKidd). Rome was the kind of soap opera that a real man such as myself would watch and its humor was certainly not lacking, so blended with the deep drama you'd swear Joss Whedon wrote the damn thing (He didn't, it was Bruno Heller, mostly). Either way, my quotes today are from one of my favorite scenes of the short-lived series.

Roman solider, Lucius Vorenus, comes back from a long military campaign to find he isn't suited for domestic life and is completely incapable of getting along with his now more mature wife and the young children that barely remember their father. Trying to please his wife, he asks Titus Pullo, a fierce but flaky soldier and unabashed ladies man for the best in ancient romantic advice. Taking a walk together, Lucius takes in a brilliant lecture from his subordinate as follows:

JD'S Quotes: Warning: This conversation is just a bit graphic...But informative.

Titus Pullo: Of course, your best method for pleasing a woman is the warm beating heart of an enemy. I mean, women will say they don't like it but they do. It makes them wet as October.

Vorenus: Well, that doesn't answer.

Pullo: Well, failing that, talk to her.

Vorenus: Talk? But of what?

Pullo: It doesn't matter. It's all about the tone of the voice. Pretend you're putting a saddle on a skittish horse. 'There, Honey. Shh, come now.'. You know, that sort of thing.

Vorenus: And that's all?

Pullo: What else?...Oh, tell her she's beautiful-all the time. Tell her she's beautiful every time you see her, even when she's not.

Vorenus: And what else?

Pullo: Oh, aye. Also, very important: When you couple with her, there's this spot just above her cunny. It's like a little button. Now, attend to that button and she will open up like a flower.

Vorenus, stopping angrily: How do you know this of her?

Pullo, defensively: All women have them! Ask anyone.

Now, when I said this was informative earlier, I pretty much had a handle on everything, personally, save for the warm beating heart of an enemy part. And, with today's current's just not worth a shortcut to October weather. You know what I mean?

Friday, August 1, 2008

Listen, Pally: Dean Martin Was A Comedian!

Aaaaagain, I say, listen, Pally: Dean Martin Was A Comedian!

Much of my grandmother's family is from Steubenville, Ohio and when she was young and visiting, she played with a little boy named Dino Crocetti, who later turned out to be an Italian King...The King of Cool, that is. It was Dean Martin. Dean loved where he came from and never forgot. They even named an official state holiday in Ohio-Dean Martin Day. I've always liked Dean and I'm a member of a gigantic club in that regard. Very few people didn't like Dean. I picked up a copy of the book 'Memories are made of this: Dean Martin through his daughter's eyes' and found it difficult to put down. The odyssey of Dean and his family's lives makes for quite a drama but a lot of humor too. Dean was an unusual man and had an unusual life. He was a mega-star in his day, several times over. He conquered movies, live acts, TV and the music industry and did it all with a laid back demeanor and sharp wit.

Deana Martin, Dean's daughter, didn't paint him out to be father of the year but there's no doubt that he was appreciated for the man that he was, including his quirky nature as a loner and his sense of humor. Though he's known more for his beautiful voice and his very tipsy stage persona, Dean was as funny as he was musical. An all-around talent. His days with Jerry Lewis left Jerry with a French mob of fans as the brilliant goof and Dean under appreciated for his own comic talent as a straight man and later as a character too full of scotch to actually stand up straight. Of course, he was usually drinking apple juice but even Mayberry's Otis wasn't a more likable fake drunk. Following are some quotes from the book, which I hope you get the chance and have the gumption to read. I think you'll enjoy it, too. If you've already read it...well, whatever, Pally (Dean called people 'Pally'). Here are 12 quotes to make you smile:

JD's quotes:

1. Deana talks about Dean as a teenaged playboy:

''My aunt Violet used to say to him, ''Dino, you never have any money.'' He'd smile and reply, ''I don't need money, Vi, I'm good looking.'' ''

2. Deana talks about Dean as a very minor league, smooth criminal:

''He was a card dealer at the Rex Cigar Store, where he slipped so many silver dollars down his trouser legs and into shoes that he jangled when he walked. It was money his bosses didn't begrudge him, and which he quickly spent.''

3. Deana quotes her dad with many of his most memorable lines. Here's one she quoted on family:

''I have seven beautiful kids. Don't clap, it only took seven minutes.''

4. Dean and the rest of the Rat Pack joked about each other's heritage frequently. Speaking of Frank Sinatra, Deana says:

''Frank sang too, an honor Dad reciprocated at Frank's forty-second birthday party at the Villa Capri in 1957, when he sang a version of ''He's the Top'' with the words ''He's the Wop.'' ''

5. Deana quotes her dad with this silly one-line nugget:

''Don't believe it when they say carrots are good for your eyes, I stuck one in mine last night and it hurt.''

6. Deana quotes some parental advice from Dean to his daughter, Claudia:

''Don't bite your nails,'' he'd tell Claudia. ''Look what happened to Venus de Milo.'' ''

7. Deana talks more about Dean's lighthearted ethnic teasing, this time on his wife, Jeanne:

''He constantly teased Jeanne about her German ancestry, which she had in common with Irma, our German housekeeper. ''Be careful,'' he'd tell us, ''watch those Aryan blue eyes. Next thing we know she'll be holding Bund meetings Thursday nights with Irma behind the pool house.''

8. Deana quotes Dean on his fellow ladies man, Frank Sinatra:

''When Frank dies, they're gonna give his zipper to the Smithsonian.''

9. Deana talks about some of the song alterations Dean did as his drunken stage persona, changing classic songs' lyrics like:

''I looked over Jordan and what did I see . . . Mrs. Jordan.''
''You are too beautiful for one man alone . . . so I brought along my brother.''
''You made me love you . . . you woke me up to do it.''

10. Deana remarks the time Dean's hit ''Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime'' knocked ''A Hard Day's Night'' (By the Beatles) off the number one slot:

''When Dad heard the news of its success, he sent Elvis Presley a telegram that read, ''If you can't handle the Beatles, I'll do it for you, pally.'' ''

11. Deana quotes her dad introducing the Rolling Stones in classic Dino style:

''I've been rolled when I was stoned before. Now ladies and gentlemen, the Rolling Stones.''

12. Deana quotes more Dean one-liner fun, mentioning this one:

''I don't drink anymore, and I don't drink any less.''

That's the end of the quotable Dean Martin fun, pallies. For a load of anecdotes and a keener understanding of the man, pick up a copy of the book. For immediate purposes, if you haven't had enough just yet, here's our gratuitous youtube video for your viewing pleasure. This is one of my favorites from the Dean Martin show, with Victor Borge and his classic bit called 'Phonetic Punctuation.'. Two great musical and comedic talents who used their powers for good, instead of evil, like what Stephen Lynch does. Check it out: