Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sorry, the post office decides how much your average, local prostitute's rates are. . . (Quotes from SNL's Weekend Update)

Pictured above are Tina Fey on the left and Amy Poehler on the right.

Lucy's Quotes:

I've had some spare quotes hanging around from SNL's fake news segment, Weekend Update-my favorite segment since Cas Walker was the anchor and the only weekly host was Art Linkletter. It's been a long time is what I'm saying. Anyway, let's look back on some of the great lines of SNL's Weekend Update segment that I've wrongly and embarrassingly left unused. Here they are from many years of anchorpersons:

Chevy Chase:

''The post office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.''

Colin Quinn:

''In international news, the Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But, you know, that's probably just the booze talking.''

Colin Quinn:

''England's Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their fifty-second wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic, candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''A new article in Vanity Fair says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, 'My Life', in time for his deadline. It's not really surprising since you can only type so fast using one hand.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''Researchers have found that Bottlenose Dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out Vampire Dolphins.''

Jimmy Fallon:

''Scientists say the detection of particles of West Nile Virus in the breast milk of a Michigan woman earlier this month is not cause for alarm. Though just to be on the safe side, they are warning Michigan residents not to suck the woman's nipples.''

Amy Poehler:

''Poland's Prime Minister, Donald Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish Submarines.''

Amy Poehler:

''According to a new survey, 67% of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners.''

Seth Meyers:

''A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: If you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.''

Seth Meyers:

''John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host, Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, without once mentioning McCain's middle name- Methuselah.''

Tina Fey:

''Starting March twenty-ninth, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly because the Irish are known for their easygoing tempers and their respect for authority.''

Tina Fey:

''Supermodel, Cindy Crawford is furiously denying Shaquille O'Neal's claim that he and Crawford have had sex. Although, it is a bit suspicious that Crawford was recently torn in half.''

Tina Fey:

''A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday, after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were ''teaching tools''. Said the professor, ''Teach that bitch to cheat on me.'' ''

I hope you've enjoyed these cute bits and bobbles of SNL's news quotes. To recap, we (SNL and I) have basically discussed prostitution, suckling adults, murder, freakish sex injuries, drug use and offended the Irish, twice. A one-post record for me. We've also offended the Poles and there was some imagery of Bill Clinton masturbating. So, work here is done. I am ready for a nap.

Click here to see all 'Say what?' SNL quote posts. (Although, I'm loath to admit it, JD actually grabbed the first quote we've done from SNL even though he almost never watches it.)


Da Old Man said...

The SNL news is fake?

That explains why I failed the current events part of my state history boards test.

The things I learn here are priceless. Thank you.

Fitzgerald said...

LOL, these are all funny.

"... It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter."

No thanks, I use the peel and stick stamps. In the old days we used to lick and stick them, but due to STDs (stamp transmitted diseases) it is prudent that we all have to practice safe stamping.

JD and Lucy said...

@Fitz: Good man. Good man.

@Joe: I'm sorry to burst your bubble. I'll be sure not to mention the WWF...


YogaforCynics said...

Amy far she's fallen since she left the Upright Citizen's Brigade for SNL....

JD and Lucy said...

@Jay/yoga: Yes, Jay. She has fallen...into a crapload of money. ;)


Garnzo said...

Great stuff. Easily the best recurring segment on SNL, with the commercial parodies being a close second.

Pensacola Beach Vacation said...

the news are fake?