I've had some spare quotes hanging around from SNL's fake news segment, Weekend Update-my favorite segment since Cas Walker was the anchor and the only weekly host was Art Linkletter. It's been a long time is what I'm saying. Anyway, let's look back on some of the great lines of SNL's Weekend Update segment that I've wrongly and embarrassingly left unused. Here they are from many years of anchorpersons:
''The post office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter.''
''In international news, the Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But, you know, that's probably just the booze talking.''
''England's Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their fifty-second wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic, candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.''
''A new article in Vanity Fair says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, 'My Life', in time for his deadline. It's not really surprising since you can only type so fast using one hand.''
''Researchers have found that Bottlenose Dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out Vampire Dolphins.''
''Scientists say the detection of particles of West Nile Virus in the breast milk of a Michigan woman earlier this month is not cause for alarm. Though just to be on the safe side, they are warning Michigan residents not to suck the woman's nipples.''
''Poland's Prime Minister, Donald Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish Submarines.''
''According to a new survey, 67% of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners.''
''A California company has created an IQ test kit for dogs. It works like this: If you buy it, your dog is smarter than you.''
''John McCain apologized Tuesday after radio talk show host, Bill Cunningham, who introduced McCain at a rally, repeatedly emphasized Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, without once mentioning McCain's middle name- Methuselah.''
''Starting March twenty-ninth, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly because the Irish are known for their easygoing tempers and their respect for authority.''
''Supermodel, Cindy Crawford is furiously denying Shaquille O'Neal's claim that he and Crawford have had sex. Although, it is a bit suspicious that Crawford was recently torn in half.''
''A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday, after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were ''teaching tools''. Said the professor, ''Teach that bitch to cheat on me.'' ''