Friday, December 5, 2008

Crazy Frenchmen,...And Their Creamy Seeds? (WTF quotes from Jean-Claude Van Damme)

Crazy Frenchmen,...And Their Creamy Seeds? (WTF quotes from Jean-Claude Van Damme)

Lucy's Quotes:

Newsweek and Sarah Ball have made my month. After a long, long layoff from the great and strange Jean-Claude Van Damme, aka The Muscles From Brussels, I finally have a new blurb to cherish for it's WTFness, forever and ever. I love this crazy Belgian waffle brain. Honest, I do. Ever since that dance scene in Kickboxer, where his Muay Thai Master gets him absolutely fit-shaced on rice wine so he can do his sexy dance with barroom floozies and test his Muay Thai skill on their jealous men, I have loved him. I love him and I love that scene, doggone it.

Van Damme has always been... a little Euro-Loopy. First, he was just a fun European and if he seemed strange, it was just a cultural misunderstanding. Then, he was certifiably ''eccentric''. Then, just full-on wacky. That's the natural progression of Euro-Loopyism. That's a real mental condition. Sorry, Europeans. It's nothing personal. I love you all, but there's a percentage of you with this disease. It's medical science. It's on par with Amerigooberism, which is like the American equivalent of Euro-Loopyism. That's also a rough disease. Jay Leno interviews people with it on his Jaywalking segment on The Tonight Show. Very sad. Exploitative (Funny), if you ask me. Irregardless (Which isn't a word, I don't think), here are my chosen quotes from the Nov 15, 2008 Newsweek Van Damme interview, by Sarah Ball:

1. Interviewer, Sarah Ball: ''Why did you want to make a film that comments on your own life?''

Jean-Claude: ''I made this just to show some of the internal side of J.C.V.D., in a way. He's a guy, a normal guy from Belgium with dreams, and I did well in that type of path.''

~ Ah, yes. *That* type of path...The one where you have dreams. The funny thing is that some people who take the type of path where they have dreams tend to do well and others don't. Dreams. Can't live with them, can't live without 'em. (Shrugs) Maybe he specifically meant the path of being a guy, from Belgium, with dreams. I don't know. It wasn't that clear to me. What was clear is that he refers to himself as J.C.V.D. So, unfortunately, I'm now going to have to refer to him as just VD. Because, to call him JC would be too high an honor (Jesus reference) and to go with all four letters is just plain ridiculous. Even FDR and JFK only had the three letters. I'm giving this guy more letters than JFK in an abbreviation? I don't think so. What? Oh...Oh, don't give me that. Okay, fine! I would've given him all four letters back in the day of...THE DANCE. But, no. It's too late for that. That bridge has been burnt, Bucko.

2. VD answers a question about the beauty of his film about himself:

''I really opened myself up in "JCVD." I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.''

~ ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... I don't even know... ... ... ... ... ...I mean... What? What kind of fruit has-... Well, I won't get into that, because... Oh, boy.

Sarah replies to this statement: ''OK —''

VD cutting her off: ''It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.''

Sarah: ''Well, I —''

VD cutting her off to explain: ''Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman.''

~ Yeah, imagine that? I guess the people of Hong Kong are the crazy ones for thinking you're completely monkey-dumpling bonkers?

3. VD decides to take the direction of the interview into unforeseen territory, by asking some questions of his own: ''And are you 27, or 32?''
Sarah, probably overjoyed: ''I'm 22.''

VD: ''Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?''

Sarah: ''I don't know. When is it?''

VD: ''I don't know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?''

Sarah, probably fearing one of those inconvenient Van Damme dry hump attacks: ''Uh —''

VD, confident in his surprise attack mode:

''You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.''

That was the end of the interview. May I just say...bravo. BRAVO, Crazy Belgian Waffle-head! If I had roses, I would present them to you. Sarah, I sincerely applaud your considerable efforts in whatever it took to survive this interview and hope you didn't get any of VD's creamy seeds or whatever on you. Oy vey.

WARNING: THIS REALLY HAPPENED. These were NOT quotes from a SATIRICAL PIECE. This was a quote from a REAL interview on the REAL Newsweek.

PS: Go vote for Crotchety Old Man, over at or small elves resembling Richard Simmons without the perkiness will force you to sweat to the oldies until they cue dueling banjos, then it will get really interesting and there will be a pineapple and-You know what? You better just go ahead and go vote for him, because you don't even want to hear the rest of that business. Trust me.

Click Here To Read The Full Hilarious Van Damme Interview:


Friday, November 14, 2008

You see, Kiddo. There was this tranny named Tweeter, dealin' blow...

Lucy's Quotes:

Warning: Lucy does not dig gossip.

Well, that is to say- I mean- She does. She's always interested in it but she doesn't morally condone it and never initiates it, 51% of the time. . . Tricky, huh? You know it's tricky when (I) she starts referring to (my) her self in the third person. Man, I'm confused! Anyway, today's quote comes from Richard Johnson's 'Page Six' section of the New York Post. While I first spotted the tidbit in an old issue of Reader's Digest, I was directed to the source for a direct quote.

As a side note: It was an OLD issue of Reader's Digest because JD considers them an arch nemesis and has banned them from the household over a cancellation problem that took place with his Uncle. It didn't get resolved until after he hired Ninja mercenaries on his behalf. For the record, I'm fine with Reader's Digest and I think it's time to drop the grudge. I will gladly turn the other cheek because I miss the Word Power section. Also, it wasn't *my* Uncle and I'm not the one who paid for the ninjas. Did I mention I miss the Word Power? Also, since I'm capitalizing on superfluous information to fill out the post because I'm out of practice: The ninja mercenaries were some of the very few which are of Swedish descent. There are really only 15 Swedish Ninja mercenaries in all of Canada...where we got them. Okay, I'm getting off track, here. Back to the quote:

Page Six says:

''May 3, 2007 -- KINDERGARTEN kids in ritzy L.A. suburb Calabasas have been coming home to their parents and talking about the "weird man" who keeps coming to their class to sing "scary" songs on his guitar. ''

Okay, I want to pause right there for kicks. Scroll down.

Keep scrolling, darn you.

Don't stop now.

Continuing quote: ''The "weird" one turns out to be Bob Dylan, whose grandson (Jakob Dylan's son) attends the school. He's been singing to the kindergarten class just for fun, but the kiddies have no idea they're being serenaded by a musical legend - to them, he's just Weird Guitar Guy. '' ''

Ah, yes. I can just see it now. His raspy moan, belting out ''Tweeter and the Monkey Man'' and shooting his eyes back and forth like a crack-head watching two other crack-heads playing tennis. That'd scare me, too. Here's some advice, Bob: Bring Willie Nelson with you. Willie will calm them down just with the, um, *botanical fumes'' drifting off of his cowboy hat. Yes, you could get very *calm* just with the scent of Willie's cowboy hat. Honest. It's science. ''What, no fumes like that off of Bob?'', you're asking. Listen, smart ass! . . . . . . I do not have a good answer to that. So, more than that; Willie's just not weird or creepy to anybody. Not that I don't like Bob, but children have very sensitive creep-o-meters. Odd-o-meters, even. In Bob's old(er) age, sometimes he seems a little more creepy doing the same things he was doing when he was 20. That's life. Think about it. Picture a 20-year-old on a skateboard with a backwards baseball, add forty years. Yes, cool to creepy in just four decades. Life is fickle, turning on you in the blink of an eye. Anyway, I got a good laugh out of this blurb from back in 2007 and I hope you did, too. I apologize for my hiatus. We both had quotes on 90 hours worth of shows saved up on our DVR and it totally blew out. Shortly before that happened, we pledged to make posts every day for a few weeks. God laughed right after we made that plan and blew out our DVR to teach us a lesson. Point taken, big guy. Point taken.

PS: If you knew the identity of the man singing to the kids without having heard this before and only from the title of this post-referring to 'Tweeter and The Monkey Man'-Dylan's song from the The Traveling Wilburys-...You get about 36 cool points. Let us know if you knew, so that we may mark you down.

Check me out at my recent, newish blog! Do it Now!

Friday, October 10, 2008

My theory is that haggling may elicit pity, on occasion (Quotes of and about Abraham Lincoln with sex, hats and disease)

My theory is that haggling may elicit pity, on occasion (Quotes of and about Abraham Lincoln with sex, hats and disease)

JD's quotes:

The other day, I tuned in to The History Channel's three-hour documentary, simply entitled 'Lincoln'. If you're a history buff, three hours of Abraham Lincoln's life and times is just a drop in the bucket but it was a good program. Of course it was full of American history's documentary staples. Old historians, young historians, a gentle country fiddle in the background, people who posed for pictures looking like their pet puppy just died while choking on their pet kitten, a narrator with a deep voice and authors up the wazoo. It's the only right way to do it, really.

''We're making a documentary and we've got some authors.''
''Oh, yeah? Enough authors to be up the wazoo?''
''One or two more and we'll be comfortably in the wazoo territory.''
''Oh... Sounds like it's going to be a good documentary, then.''
''Damn Skippy.''

...I'm sure that conversation happened in one form or another over at The History Channel's head office. At any rate, I've got humorous quotes about Lincoln. He may've been a melancholy fellow, married to a crazy person but his life was not without humor...rumor has it, anyway. My chosen quotes as follows:

Jennifer Fleischner, author of 'Mrs. Lincoln and Mrs. Keckly', joined the conversation about how Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln were thought to be overly lenient with their children as they tore through the White house with wagons and goats, crashing cabinet meetings and taking full advantage of their permissive parents. She attempts to quote one of Lincoln's friends by saying:

''...And they were doting and I think it's Herndon who says, you know, ''If the boys shat in his hat, he would think 'Oh, isn't that wonderful?' '' You know? He would go ''Wow!' You know, ''That's great!''. Um, they could do anything.''

~Now, I've been trying to tell people for years that 'shat' is a real word and is the appropriate past tense of another word which I know and love. I have been met with looks of incredulity. Well. . . I feel vindicated by one of those brainy historian types saying it. So, ...there. To all you doubters: I bet you just shat yourself.

Gore Vidal, who wrote his own Lincoln book called 'Lincoln: A Novel' which was historical fiction, was featured throughout the show and if you could get past the annoying (to some) exaggeratedly ''academic'' tone of voice, he was an illuminating guest on the show with a good sense of humor. Speaking of William Herndon's stories of Lincoln, Vidal says:

''Herndon, his law partner for seventeen years- I think it was-; he knew more about Lincoln than anybody. He had some great stories to tell. How Lincoln was in a horny mood. He was in his twenties and... he asked a friend. He said, uh, ''Do you know where there is any?''. And, they said ''Well there's this girl that's down on Front street. You know, near the river. She's just in town.'' So, Lincoln goes to see her. Said ''Now, before we start anything, you know, I'm a poor man. I mean, how much is this going to be?'' and she said ''Three dollars'' and he says, ''Well, what-what about two?'' and she said, ''I don't want to haggle.'' She was a very nice woman.

So, finally, uh, they commit the horrible deed, and then when it's over, he starts to give her two dollars and twenty five cents or whatever it was they'd agreed on and she says ''Oh, don't bother,'' and everybody says, ''You know, how the-how like Lincoln. He goes there. He can't pay the three dollars and he ends up getting it for nothing. Now, how does he do that?'' Now you see how he held the Union together.''

~I wonder what miracles Bill Clinton could've worked during a Civil War if that's the kind of people skills you need. I would also add that I really like Vidal's phrase ''Do you know where there is any?''

Lastly, during a part of the documentary where Lincoln's severe strain as a wartime president is taking a great toll on him mentally and physically, they say Lincoln is basically being badgered by everyone constantly for his words on the war. Everyone wanted Lincoln to give them something. Lincoln had a milder form of the small pox infection also referred to as varioloid, then. Unfortunately, his ill condition did not receive any sympathetic cessation of badgering.

Harold Holzer, Author of 'The Lincoln Image', gives us a gem of anecdotal Lincoln humor from a sick and tired Honest Abe:

''On his way home from giving the greatest speech of his career, he was sidelined by uh, a case of ''varioloid'', as it was called. And, uh, he was thrilled because he-when he got back to Washington, uh, uh- told that there were office-seekers still lining up outside to pester him- he said ''Have them come in. Now I have something I can give everybody.'' ''

Now, they left me hanging on that note because they never said if he successfully delivered that present to everyone. . . I'd like to think he did.

If you've enjoyed this post, you might want to try our Humorous quote post on President Harry Truman: The Lesser-Known of Russian Drinking Games: Harry Truman's Point of View

Then, again, you may just want to watch youtube videos of chimps playing Van Halen. I don't know what you're into. It's none of my business, really. Thanks for stopping by, though.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Canine AIDS is not a laughing matter? (Real George Carlin Quotes)

JD's quotes: From: George Carlin's HBO special, 'George Carlin: What Am I Doin' in New Jersey?', performed at the Park Theater in Union City, New Jersey.

In George Carlin's act, he was good enough so that most of the things he said, tended to fall under a title. He performed pieces, like a classical musician, only with stand-up comedy instead of a violin or a piano. Like, in this special he had a piece detailing a long ''list of people I can do without''. Classic. And, unlike many George Carlin quotes and essays and whatever the dink else that float around on the Internet, this is really from George. I know, because we verify our quotes to a source. This source was George's mouth. I saw his lips move with my own eyes and heard these words come out with my own ears. So, rest assured, this stuff is real, genuine Carlinism. Now for his quotes:

Included in his ''list of people I can do without'' are several occupational hazard types. Among them, George includes:

1. ''A brain surgeon with ''Born to lose'' tattooed on his hands.''
2. ''A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand.''
3. ''A funeral director who says ''Hope to see you folks again, real soon!''.''
''A proctologist with poor depth perception''

George on recreational, pharmaceutical advances he looks forward to:

5. ''They don't have any rectal drugs, do they? That's going to be a big advance when we have that. Soon as we have-Yeah, then you can hide them and take them at the same time, you know?''

George on suggestions to keep people on their toes and also on snazzy cartoon character watches:

''Someone asks you what time it is, say, ''Well, . . .it's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.''.''

George on the epidemic road rage crisis:

''I like kind of a preventive violence in my car. Know what I have? In the rear window of my car, I have one of those diamond-shaped, yellow signs that says ''Armed pit bull with AIDS on board''. And I'll tell you, even the jack-offs are leaving me alone.''

Lastly: George Carlin panders to the New Jersey crowd he's playing to?

''I like New Jersey. I even have one of those T-shirts you guys sell. It says ''Kiss her where it smells. Take her to New Jersey.'' So, I'm a supporter.''

~Yeah, I didn't think so. Not big on the pandering, was he?

I'm keeping this post short and sweet. When George died, I thought about doing a nice, long R. I. P. post for him and talking about how he's in our prayers now that he's passed away and whatnot, but you know what? George would've HATED that. He hated the sugarcoated term ''passed away'', he was an atheist and he just didn't like sappy bullsh*t, like prayers for the dead. So, now, months later, I'm doing a short and sweet George Carlin quote post with only a minor point of his being D-E-A-D, not going to heaven or hell but leaving some interesting stuff behind for us and any George Carlin fan can appreciate that. George can't, because he's dead and gone and even the Flying Spaghetti Monster can't change that, Bucko. Forget about that vulgar, blasphemous, misanthropic a**hole. That's what I'm going with, . . . because I think George would've loved that sh*t.

Aw, what the heck? I'll miss ya, George. I think about something you've said damned near every day and I probably always will, you curmudgeonly old nihilist. 'Say what?' salutes you and the horse you rode in on.

To see a little more 'Say what?' fun with George Carlin, please click here: George Carlin jokes about cancer, canine expiration and Elmer Fudd getting the shaft again

Monday, October 6, 2008

Google Page Rank Hates Us But We Are Standing Tall. Okay, we're standing slightly hunched and cowardly but that's neither here nor there. . .

Okay, what's there to say? We almost gave up. Uh-huh. We almost gave up. We got tired of having no Google page rank and crappy traffic. TIRED! I know, we're whiney. But so was yo mama! Okay, whoa. Let's stop right there. There's no need to escalate. We apologize. That was totally uncalled for. So, anyway. . . We're bloody freakin' back now. 'Say what?' is back, baby! Ignore that exclamation point. It might come across too enthusiastic. Preppy, even.

We're going to try another experiment and post every day for a few weeks. Or we'll fail to do that and instead watch youtube videos of cartoon monkeys. I'm not sure which. Who cares? Both things are productive or at the very least, not damaging to society that much.

We're proud to announce that one of the two of us has a scary new blog that is only three posts old. It's Lucy who now has the blog formally and informally known as ''The Nearly Reformed Jive Turkeys Club''. Check that out. Also, she is starting guest posts at McGhee's Review. Due to an unfortunate cable blow-out, she had to forgo her second nearly consecutive post there but she did get the one under her belt at: A short and simple review of SNL's third episode of Season 34

So, we're happy to be back with you anonymous readers that we'll pretend exist. . . and anyone else, too, I guess. Real or pretend, we don't discriminate. Wish us luck. Or don't. Either way, we'll pretend you did, so you might as well do it. Sorry if that sounded menacing or intimidating. It wasn't meant to. Okay, yes it was. But, sorry.

~JD and Lucy