Thursday, January 31, 2008

How dare you imply the British aren't the horndogs we all know they are!


~I dare you to find a Mel Brooks movie that doesn't involve any cleavage...I outright dare you.



JD'S quotes:
Let's take a look back at the Mel Brooks parody of Bram Stoker's Dracula called Dracula: Dead and loving it. Here are some of the bits that stayed with me:


1.
Mark Blankfield as Martin: Oh, McManus, the patient in the west wing?
Harvey Korman as Dr. Seward: Yes.
Martin: He's having a conniption fit
Dr. Seward: Oh, give 'em an enema
Martin: ...An enema?

Dr. Seward: Yes. It'll give him a feeling of accomplishment

2. Dr. Seward: Oh, Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He is a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
Mel Brooks as Professor Van Helsing: And Gynecology
Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that too.


3. Steven Weber as Jonathan Harker: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
Van Helsing: Yes...and no.
Harker: Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing: I'm saying no,...but I'm leeeaning towards yes.
Dr. Seward: Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing: No.
Dr. Seward: Then it's no.
Van Helsing: Not necessarily.
Harker: You sound dubious.
Van Helsing: No, I'm positive.
Harker: Of what?
Van Helsing: My theory!
Harker: And that would be?
Van Helsing: The theory of yes...or no.



4. Lysette Anthony as Lucy: Jonathan, let me kiss you. Let me show you the deep, raw, passionate, unbridled, sexual frenzy.
Jonathan Harker: Eh-eh, but Lucy,... I'm British.



Check out arguably the most classic scene in the movie with Harvey Korman and Peter MacNicol (playing Renfield):











Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Get this guy mad and he'll seriously F**k up your feng shui T!



JD's quotes:

Known to fans as being one of the funniest episodes of The Sopranos, Pine Barrens, let's us see Paulie Walnuts and Christoper Moltisanti trying to survive in the wintry woods, attempting to conduct...um...waste management activities, so to speak. Wait, I don't have to say it that way...I mean they done tried to dump a body out there. As always, body dumping, a wonderful breeding ground for humor. We all know it.

Tony (played by James Gandolfini) to Paulie over the phone: The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando. He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed.


Paulie (played by Tony Sirico): Get the F**k outta here.


Tony: Yeah, nice, huh? He was with the interior ministry, guy's some kinda Russian Green Beret.


After they hang up:


Paulie to Christopher: You're not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator.


Christopher (played by Michael Imperioli): ...His house looked like sh!t.



...And you still have to ask why I love The Sopranos? Seriously?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

We GOT a zoppity...They're not that great.

JD and Lucy's quotes:

the office




6 Assorted quotes from The Office:


1. Steve Carell as Michael Scott:

''I hate hospitals. In my mind, they are associated with sickness.''


2. Craig Robinson as Darryl Philbin: Okay, bring it home now, and don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.

Michael: Pippity Poppity, give me the zoppity.

Darryl: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me.

Michael: All right.

Darryl, after Michael walks away: Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I-I,...just can't help myself.




3. The legendary Creed Bratton as the equally legendary Creed Bratton (don't confuse the two):


''I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader.''


4. The brilliant and blonde (They DO exist!) Angela Kinsey as the self-righteous prude Angela Martin:


''Cat heaven is a beautiful place. But you don't get there if you're euthanized.''




5. Rainn Wilson as that odd, odd man Dwight K. Schrute:



''I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle.''




6.

Dwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Michael Scott has certainly got... that Frisbee kind of cool

JD's quotes:


Steve Carell

NBC's The Office rarely fails to put a smile on my face. After having watched Steve Carell on Jon Stewart's The Daily Show and of course his hilarious turns in movies like Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, I started watching The Office. It took me a few episodes to really get into the show because it runs so differently than your average primetime comedy. Now, however, my favorite moron on a currently running series is Steve's character Michael Scott. Michael is the sentimental ole fool who has somehow earned himself the title of Regional Manager of the Scranton, PA branch of the Dunder Mifflin paper company. Michael wants to be liked, and in spite of his behavior, often is. He also is of the opinion that he is both cool and smart but rarely convinces anyone else of this theory. His idea of being witty is to wait for the right moment to add ''that's what she said'' to a conversation...if not the right time, then whenever he thinks of it. Here are some of Michael's recent scene-stealingly stupid moments:


1. ''I'm not superstitious but I'm-I am a little stitious.''

2. ''Hey, Frisbee. Check that out. What do you say we get our frizz on before class, huh?''

3. ''You cannot learn from books...Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have a book...that is worth its weight in gold.''

4. ''It was a crime of passion Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.''

5. ''I'm very fast. I'm like Forrest Gump. Except, I am not an idiot.''

6. ''And, while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I am very, very proud of that.''

7. ''So, I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least, it's bisexual.''

8. ''Negotiations are all about controlling things, about being in the driver's seat. Annnd, you make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore a woman's clothes.''


9. ''Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive NEED to be liked. Like, my need to be praised.''

10. ''So, Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas, back here in Scranton, I am still top dog...in a fairly large pond. So, who is the real boss?...The dog or a fish?''

11. Michael: So, I need a little treat for the gang, something to win their affection back.
B. J. Novak as Ryan Howard: Back? Why is that Michael?
Michael: Welll, I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Ughuhhh! Did you do this on purpose?
Michael: No, I was being negligent but she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely, tiny little crack in her pelvis but she will be up and-
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes it was on company property with company property. So, double jeopardy, we are fine.
Ryan: Mm-I don't-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is ''we're fine''?

At the moment, I think getting one's frizz on has got to be my favorite phrase to be used on The Office to date. Can you blame me?

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The negative impact of Irish culture...heheheh

Lucy's quote:

jimmy fallon~Any excuse to put up a Jimmy Fallon picture, you know me.

Jimmy Fallon, the cutest man ever on SNL..not counting Chris Kattan but that's really not the same breed of cute...Anyway, here's Jimmy setting back Irish culture a hundred years by exposing their most unsavory element:

The ironically Irish Jimmy Fallon: Workmen in Dublin have dug up a mysterious stone and metal box archaeologists believe is a time capsule, buried 200 years ago. Though it has not been opened, many hope it contains Ireland's long lost ''Good Recipes''.


Oh, snap! Aww yeah, he said it! Take that Mrs. O'Lorcan for slamming my lemon chicken! That oughta take you Irish folks down a few notches after JD threw ya'll a bone with that God quote a few days back. I didn't want you getting a bigger head over it...

...

...That goes double for you Mrs. O'Lorcan...I'm watching you.

Lucy VS Mrs. O'Lorcan continues in this post months later:

http://hoeno.blogspot.com/2008/07/future-technological-culinary.html

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Hillary succeeds where Bill supposedly failed...ha ha ha


JD's quote:


On HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher, Bill has an odd but entertaining conversation with country music legend Merle Haggard. During this meeting of the minds, Bill manages to quickly and cleverly segue from Haggard's supposed support of Hillary Clinton to Merle's reference to pot in his hit song Okie from Muskogee...then Merle brings that entertaining discussion back around to Hillary. The conversation made the twist when Bill mentioned Willie Nelson, as Nelson IS the premiere pot-smoking country music icon. Then, the following:

Bill: But I know Willie is a very good friend of yours, I mean certainly you must have been around marijuana.

Merle: Oh, I've been around it. In fact, uh, we met Hillary, she came in Willie's bus and, and uh, of course, uh,...uh, she took a big whiff...and I think she inhaled.


Check out this video where Hillary is HILARIOUSLY disingenuous (You know, as opposed to just being annoyingly disingenuous like normal):




Friday, January 25, 2008

Nice Boy Floyd? (Larry Merchant quotes about Floyd Mayweather, Junior)

JD's quotes:


Mayweather VS LARRY MERCHANT



Okay...I warned you I'd likely do it again with my quoting Larry Merchant. As a matter of fact, I'd like Say what? to be known as the #1 and best Larry Merchant quotes site. So, people are always wondering about why Larry and Floyd Mayweather Jr. aka Pretty Boy Floyd are at odds so often. Well, here are two examples of statements that may've damaged their relationship:

1. While the fighters were still making their way to the ring just before the Oscar De La Hoya VS Floyd Mayweather Jr. match-up, Larry starts in on Floyd like he does (I had to listen to it several times to hear what he was saying over my own laughter):

''Why is Oscar De La Hoya a Box Office superstar, . . . while Floyd Mayweather is a boxing star? Because Oscar won a gold and Floyd won a bronze? Because Oscar was a handsome man and Floyd was a nice looking man? Because Oscar has a crowd-pleasing style and Floyd does not?''

2. Before this, after Floyd had defeated Carlos Baldomir to win the welterweight championship, Larry and Jim Lampley had this conversation:

Lampley: So, Larry, Floyd Mayweather wins the welterweight championship with a flawless display of self defense, then breaks into tears at the news conference saying that he's under appreciated and vows that he's only going to fight one more time. What's goin' on?

Merchant: I think he bored himself to tears Jim.


Believe me, the fact that Larry wasn't present during the Jones VS Trinidad fight infuriates me to no end. If only Larry were there to say something about Roy's Rooster dance moves, I'd have gotten another quote out of him for you. Don't let this happen again, petition HBO on behalf of Larry Merchant!...Please! For the sake of sports humor and all that is holy! Alright, I'll shut up.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A St. Patrick's Day quote in advance



JD's quotes:



Scotland born actor David O'Hara played the scene-stealing Irishman in the epic movie Braveheart, famous for Mel Gibson running around with his face painted blue and a gigantic sword for something like 18 and a half hours. It was pretty good. While sitting through Titanic that one time I sat through it, I wished several times that instead of water flooding the ship, Mel Gibson and David O'Hara would burst into the room and take care of Leonardo DiCaprio once and for all.


In between gigantic battle scenes, William Wallace, Mel's character and historical icon of Scotland, is trying to expand his army as he travel's through the land. Enter Stephen, an Irishman who fled from Ireland because he's ''wanted''. Stephen, David O'Hara's character, refers to Ireland as ''my island'', wants to kill Englishmen for Wallace and from the start looks to the sky and converses with the almighty. After being asked about this quirk, he answers with what must be the greatest Celtic quote of all time:

''In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God.''

You've got to love Irish humility. Happy early St. Patty's Day, lads.

Check out Bob Newhart and old Bob Newhart show cronies spoofing Braveheart's popular William Wallace speech at the 1996 MTV Movie awards (Bob Newhart doing inspirational speeches...perfect):





Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Christopher Titus never fails to put the FUN in DysFUNctional



JD's quotes:


In the Christopher Titus Showtime Special Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding, Chris has fun talking about his dysfunctional upbringing in his dysfunctional family. Not only does he have time to make light of his mother being institutionalized and his father getting stopped for a DUI but he manages to slam The Rolling Stones and work in a Don Knotts reference. I think any comedian who gets Don Knotts into their routine deserves extra points, that's just the way I am. Don Knotts or any of his characters, Ralph Furley, Barney Fife, any of 'em. If they manage to play the Benny Hill theme song, that's an automatic ten of ten for me. I'm easy to please that way.

Here are some quotes from the appropriately titled Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding:

''My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.''

''My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. UGLY car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.''






''Her and I had a fight Christmas Eve, watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer where I ended up calling the cops. Yeah, that earns me a white-trash black belt.''

''And my wife, who's about as devious as Don Knotts on sodium pentathol, grabs the phone out of my hand, looks at the phone, looks at me and goes SLAM! And I said ''Ahaaaa! Who's Randy?'' ''

Check out Chris in his show Titus as he brings out the humor in HIV testing:




Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Let's pretend O. J. Simpson was never in this one, okay? (Quotes from The Naked Gun)

Leslie Nielsen's character, Frank Drebin from the 1988 movie The Naked Gun: From the files of Police Squad!

JD's Quotes:

The Naked Gun series spoof a lot of works but are based off of a 1982 ABC TV series called Police Squad! which was canceled largely for being too hip for the room, so to speak. Leslie Nielsen starred in the series which ran for six episodes in total and took up the same role in the movie series. The math is simple in that there were half as many installments of the Naked Gun movies as there were the original Police Squad! episodes. At least people picked up on the comedy by the time it rolled around to the theatre, having revamped several of the show's gags to make the franchise a great success as far as comedies go. Here are some of the film's most memorable quotes:

1. George Kennedy as Captain Ed Hocken: He's alive Frank, though he's on life-support. Doctors say he's got a 50/50 chance of living,... though there's only a ten percent chance of that.

2. Hilarious innuendos:

Priscilla Presley as Jane Spencer: I've heard police work is dangerous
Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin: It is, that's why I carry a big gun
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem
Jane: And, what did you do about it?
Frank: I'd just think about baseball

3. Frank: Hey, that's a honey of an ankle bracelet you have there
Jane: Oh! Did it slip down there again?

4. Frank: How 'bout dinner? I know this little out of the way place that serves great Viking food.

5. Frank:
It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy. Boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl and girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.

6. Frank: Jane, since I met you, I notice things that I never knew were there before; Birds singing,. . . dew glistening on a newly formed leaf,. . . stoplights.


If you haven't seen this flick, the dialogue is essentially like that throughout. Couple that with the added bonus of a great sight gag every few seconds and you really miss something every time you blink or answer the telephone. Even aside from the fact that it's packed full of punchlines of all kinds, how do you not like a series of movies with a recurring villain named Papshmir (You can guess how that's pronounced)? Furthermore, if Ricardo Montalban plays one of the bad guys, it doesn't matter if it's Star Trek or Naked Gun, it just works.



Want all three Naked Gun movies? Get them all complete with commentaries on this DVD set:




Check out a hilarious video montage from this classic comedy:







Monday, January 21, 2008

While you do THAT, you can massage the grapes. . .wink, wink, nudge, nudge

Lucy's quotes:


snl ~Horatio Sanz as Saddam Hussein

jimmy fallon ~Jimmy Fallon on SNL's Weekend Update

cowbell ~ Chris Parnell (On the right) in the infamous Cowbell sketch

Every year or two, some jerk gets clever and writes an article with a title along the lines of ''Saturday Night Dead'' making an obvious pun on Saturday Night Live. Still, even though I don't watch EVERY SNL episode, not a year goes by when I don't come across at least a few new sketches that I never forget.

Forrrrrrr instance, I'll never forget the cork soaking sketch. Of this much, I am sure. If I'm a senile old lady at age 134 and I can't remember the name of any of my 78 cats which I'm sure I'll be living with by then, I'll still remember the entire cork soaking sketch. I'll know everyone involved, like host/musical guest Janet Jackson who couldn't keep a straight face trying to avoid the obvious implied words and of course Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon, who could rarely keep a straight face EVER when in the same sketch together.



The setting: A tour group is being lead through the workings of a vineyard, you see. The vineyard is either in Italy or just run by an italian family, something like that. Jimmy Fallon plays ''Marcello'' and Horatio plays ''Giuseppe'' and they are the tour guides. They bring the crowd into the place where they, ahem, soak the corks for the wine bottles. Here's a quote from this completely, squeaky clean, non-vulgar sketch:

Chris Parnell as ''tour group guy'': Do you ever run out of corks to soak?

Jimmy/Marcello: Oh, uh yeah, I'll never forget this one vintage was unusually large and I thought Giuseppe would need extra corks.

Horatio/Giuseppe: And I thought Marcello would need more corks.

Jimmy/Marcello: So, we soaked each other's corks at the same time. Remember that?

Horatio/Giuseppe: Can you imagine that? Me soaking his cork while he soak mine? . . .Oh boy

Jimmy/Marcello: Yeah, yeah

Horatio/Giuseppe: What year was that?

Jimmy/Marcello: What year? The year we soaked each other's corks?

Horatio/Giuseppe: Yeah

Jimmy/Marcello: Yeah, that was what? It was like sixtyyy..., late sixties right?

Horatio/Giuseppe: Yeah, yeah.

Jimmy/Marcello: Sixtyyy-eight?

Horatio/Giuseppe: I want to say seventy. . .

. . .

Jimmy/Marcello: . . . Now, you're sure it wasn't earlier than that?

Horatio/Giuseppe: Eh well, it was some time around there.

Jimmy/Marcello: Let's just say between 68' and 70', okay?




For years I will remember the goofy look on Maya Rudolph's face when she enters the room and Rachel Dratch as a very old, experienced soaker of corks. It's a classic. Right up there with Dana Carvey getting down with the pepper mill, which I dream about at least one night a week. That was hot.

Hey T, I should get my own National Geographic Special, no?



JD's quotes:


Tony Sirico plays my favorite Sopranos character. His character is the eccentric Paulie Gualtieri, aka Paulie ''Walnuts''. Paulie was far and away the source of most blatant humor on the show, in my humble opinion. He was full of Goombah brand humor, Goombah brand logic. Goombah brand BS. The black belt master of Goombate (pronounced: Goom-bah-tay, see: Italian Martial arts).

Somebody requested quotes from The Sopranos last week or so, something we hadn't touched on yet, so I did a post of the famous chicken soup for the soul quote. I've had a chance to review several Sopranos episodes again and I have to say, although the last few seasons were alright, watching the episodes from the first three or so, I was reminded of how great the show really was. The straight humor was much more frequent then. The Sopranos shares a common bond with Deadwood other than being an HBO broadcast.

They both have a freakish ability to be funny in the context of brutal, violent dramas. It's a kind of magic that they work. Both dramatic series, I consider to be as funny as any sitcom or sketch comedy ever was...in their own way. I like to laugh when I don't expect it. When you're looking for a punch line, it's hard to be surprised. On a show like this when life is grave and somebody says something completely absurd and startles a belly laugh out of you, it's a blast. The Sopranos did this constantly in their first few seasons.

To celebrate the king of Sopranos humor, here's one of my favorite conversations involving Paulie ''Walnuts'' Gualtieri as he sits with ''T''-Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini) and they watch a nature program about snakes:

Paulie: Amazing thing about snakes, is that they reproduce spontaneously.

Tony: What do you mean?

Paulie: They have both male and female sex organs. That's why somebody you don't trust, you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally 'go f**k themselves'?

Tony: . . . Don't you think that expression would come from the Adam and Eve story? When the snake tempted Eve to bite the apple.

Paulie: Hey, snakes were f**kin' themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.


One pound of sausage at Satriale's: $4.49
One Lap-dance at the Bing: $20
One billable hour of legal counsel from Uncle Junior's attorney: $500.

A lifetime of counseling for Tony and AJ: $841,753
One lesson from Professor Paulie's Goomba BS 101 course: Priceless


Sunday, January 20, 2008

The true importance of a ref (A Suspicious George Foreman Quote)



JD's quotes:

One good George Foreman quote deserves another. George after all, is the most quote-worthy of all the knockout-punchin', grill-pimpin', Bow-tie wearin', sermon preachin', former heavyweight boxing champions of the world! Okay, he's probably the only one, but still.

Anyway, George called the Roy Jones Jr. VS John Ruiz fight as HBO's resident former boxer/commentator in 2003. At the beginning of the fight George made this interesting prediction:

''This night, the referee is gonna be the most important man in the ring other than the fighters.''

Some might consider this a blooper and maybe it is...I have to wonder though. See, I know George is very polite but clever. He has on occasion mildly insulted people by wrapping a compliment around the insult first before he delivers it. Then, they don't really know what hit 'em. You never know with him. If I were the ref I might loosely consider the prospect of getting offended. Of course, if it really was a clever Foremanian insult, good for George. George was a boxer for decades, he probably knows Mills Lane was the only good boxing ref in the history of Queensberry rules... Oh yeah, I said it. I'm just edgy like that.


Check out George on the Australian Television show Rove Live hosted by Rove McManus:



Saturday, January 19, 2008

The eventual corruption of George Foreman (A Funny Boxing Quote)



JD's quotes:


Well, we're a few hours away from the fight with Roy Jones Jr. and Felix 'Tito' Trinidad and HBO was smart enough to give us a refresher course again as they do before their PPV fights. In order to remind us of the kind of fighters about to go toe-to-toe, they showed one of each of their previous fights. Last night, they showed 2003's Roy Jones Jr. vs John Ruiz match and followed that up with the excellent Trinidad vs Fernando Vargas fight from 2000. The Trinidad/Vargas fight is a landmark for me because it's the night I realized that Larry Merchant had rubbed some of his bizarre whimsy off onto former champ, grill-daddy and sometime commentator George Foreman. Yes, that's right, we're quoting Larry Merchant again...it won't be the last time either people. Mark my words. Better yet, mark his.

So, here's the setup. The commentators ringside for HBO at the fight are Larry Merchant, Jim Lampley and George Foreman. Fernando Vargas has always been known as a baby-faced fighter and apparently Trinidad had taunted him about it pre-fight. So, this goofy exchange takes place between our old buddy Larry and Big George:

Larry Merchant: Well, he called him a baby and so far he's uh-done everything except diaper and powder him. But, late in the round, the baby started to yowl.

George Foreman: There's a little blood on the side of Trinidad's-right side of Trinidad's eye. So, that baby can scratch.


Poor George, clearly infected with HLLV-The Human Loopy Larry Virus.
Thank God there's no vaccine for it. We'd have so much less material for you.

Friday, January 18, 2008

In case you wonder, Al did NOT get God (Quotes from Deadwood)



JD's quotes:

This is potentially our final installment of Deadwood quotes, considering that they aren't likely to come back. Calamity will be missing because we just did a whole post of her lines. Enjoy these other assorted quotes from Deadwood:

1. Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) to Sheriff Bullock (Timothy Olyphant) while attempting to urinate before they beat the tar out of each other:

''Age impedes my stream, no f**kin' fear of you.''

2. Al to Mister Wu (Keone Young):

''You can't cut the throat of every c**ksucker whose character it would improve.''

3. Al to Silas Adams (Titus Welliver):

''Get a f**king haircut...look like your mother f**ked a monkey.''

4. Al to Doc Cochran (Brad Dourif):

''Announcing your plans, is a good way to hear God laugh.''

5. Al to one of many ''hoopleheads'' he's intimidated:


''Nervousness don't cause that-Lyin' causes cat piss smell.''

6. Charlie Utter (Dayton Callie) with a strong touch of oxymoronitude:

''Don't ever say I'm not a f**kin' gentleman''

7. E.B. Farnum (William Sanderson):

''I begrudge that pervert his capacity for happiness.''

8. E.B.:


''That I have not wiped his expectoration from my cheek is understandable. I'm threatened with death if I do.''

9. Dan Dority (W. Earl Brown):
''Yeah and when I feel a sh*t comin' on, I'll remember to drop my pants.''

10.


Al: Sometimes I wish we could just hit 'em over the head, rob 'em and throw their bodies in the creek.
Cy Tolliver (Powers Boothe): But that would be wrong.

11. Sol Star (John Hawkes) to Sheriff Seth Bullock: YES Seth, we're done talking about this. If you keep it up, we're going to fight and you'll have to work by yourself while I convalesce.

12. Hyper-civilized A.W. Merrick (Jeffrey Jones): And is that the vandalism's purpose sir? And of the dog defecating in my office? With ruffians dispatched by you as the lesson's author?
Tolliver: I doubt they had a dog with 'em.


13. Johnny Burns (Sean Bridgers) to Mister Wu:

''Why don't you learn to talk AMERICAN?!!!''


14. Johnny: Them people worship a fat man seated on his ass

15. Al's voice screaming from his room upstairs:
Jesus Christ!!!
Johnny: Either Al got God or Dolly just stuck her thumb back up his ass

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Deadwood: Ruffians, Hoopleheads, Celestials and C**ksuckers. They will be missed.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Tao of Calamity (More quotes from Deadwood)


~Above is the woman behind the role of Calamity Jane on HBO's Deadwood. Cleans up nice, doesn't she?


JD and Lucy's quotes:

As promised, we have more Deadwood. Today, it's all Jane. What a character is that Calamity Jane on HBO's potently quote-worthy series Deadwood. The lovely Robin Weigert plays the less-than-lovely Jane with a hilarious flash anger that often results in the Deadwood buzzword ''C**ksucker''.

Jane carries a gun, likes her liquor, treats cursing like a language all its own and usually looks to be encrusted in dirt but it doesn't stop her from nursing the sick or protecting those in need of a protector. Below are some assorted and moderately censored (with asterisks) lines from this colorful character:


9 Encounters with Calamity:

1.
Jane: Maybe I will have a f**kin' drink, just for sociability's sake and cause I'm a f**kin' drunk.
Kim Dickens as Joanie Stubbs: Well, what's your preference?
Jane: That it ain't been previously swallowed.

2.

Brad Dourif as Doc Cochran: Well you ARE an EN-tangled inebriate are you not?
Jane: This happens to be a rig and contraption of my own devising against repeated accidental falls that has temporarily malfunctioned.


3.
County Commissioner Jarry imprisoned at the local jail: I'm thirsty.
Jane: Lie on your back, take aim and piss.


4.
''What the F**K you lookin' at?!!! . . . Like HE'S a f**kin' Adonis.''

5.
Calamity Jane meets a long pause after telling an embarrassing story to Charlie Utter (Dayton Callie) and Sheriff Bullock (Timothy Olyphant):

''Fella in Livingston went sweet on me... Finnish Feller from Finland, hardly spoke f**kin' English. Brought me flowers and some dry food they like there and uh one night, he takes my arm and he starts in and he uh whispers in his-in his Finland accent ''I wanna suck your c**k.''. . .


. . .

. . .

. . .What d'ya f**kin' think a that?''


6.

''Question I wake to in the morning and pass out with at night-'What's my popularity with my fellow white people?' ''

7.
''I dreamed last night, I was clamorin' up a f**kin' creek bank...which is often required of a drunk.''

8.
''Refined spirits'll sometimes convulse me.''

9. Jane on one of her frequent drunken rants:

''People are f**kin' people and that is f**ked up. You don't know what the f**k I'm talking about, cause you don't know people.''

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Bill Cosby buzzkills us all with a good point

JD's quotes:

cosby


In Bill Cosby's famous ''Bill Cosby, Himself'' stand-up special he did a lot of famous material. Many can't go to a dentists without thinking of Doctor Cosby and some can't live one day with children without thinking of this routine, especially when a child utters the phrase ''I don't know'' in a pathetic, brain-damaged sort of way. Cosby also does a bit about drugs where he poses this question (which several annoying celebrity icons should ask themselves):




''And I said to a guy, I said uh- ''Tell me, you know, what is it about cocaine, that makes it so wonderful?'' and the guy said ''Well, . . . it intensifies your personality.'' and I said ''Yes, but what if you're an A--hole?''

Hey, wait a minute, does that mean that us folks with real nice personalities should maybe-never mind, it was just a thought, I won't bring it up again. Forget I even said anything.


Check out Cosby doing his classic dentist routine from Bill Cosby, Himself:

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

A poor review of the comic stylings of Muhammad Ali

JD's quotes:

Greatest Of All Time Howard Cosell





The Muhammad Ali VS Ernie Terrell fight in 1967 is now known as the ''What's my name?'' fight. About a week after the fight took place ABC's Wide World of Sports saw Howard Cosell and Muhammad Ali watching a tape of the fight and discussing it. They watched selected rounds from the fight only, not the full bout. This review saw one of many funny exchanges between the legendary heavyweight champion and the accomplished sports journalist.

Howard Cosell and Muhammad Ali's verbal exchanges were frequently amusing as Ali found an often sympathetic but not at all submissive man in the media.

During the ABC presentation with Cosell and Ali sitting in chairs next to each other, and watching the fight together, after Ali gives an answer Cosell finds well put:

Cosell: You are NOT a stupid boy. Let's look at rounds-

Ali speaking over him: Thank you Howard, you're not as dumb as you look

Cosell: . . . Let's look at rounds 14 and 15 . . .They should be coming up in just a second . . . Stop smiling-you're not so funny.

This was followed by Ali and Cosell chuckling at themselves.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Lycopersicon esculentum salsiconnicus applicipus es gluteus maximus


JD's quotes:


Pardon my Latin. Anyway, having received a request for quotes from The Sopranos, I thought I'd give you my favorite.


HBO's 'The Sopranos': James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano

Tony: What is that?
Irina [His Russian girlfriend]: Chicken Soup for the Soul
Tony: Should read 'Tomato sauce for your ass', it's the Italian version.





Check out yet another hilarious Mad TV parody, this time being The Sopranos on the PAX network:





Sunday, January 13, 2008

A prepared statement from former Sheriff Con Stapleton:



JD's quotes:


We've had a request for more Deadwood quotes, so we'll do a few this week now that I've had a chance to rewatch several episodes. Check out our new Completely Inane Blog Survey this week on the right hand side of the screen and vote for your least likable character. As far as the survey goes, keep in mind, the actors may be great, I'm just talking about the characters, that's all.

This quote is from a scene where Con Stapleton, Cy Tolliver's henchman and former Deadwood Sheriff stands outside the room of an actress who'd previously sunken just low enough to get jiggy with him. He pulls out a piece of paper to read from and recites a romantic plea to her door.


Peter Jason as Con Stapleton on HBO's brilliantly written and poorly ended series, Deadwood:


''I prayed it would pass...but it's a constant f*ckin' sore spot N' throb. You are a constant vision before me...you and your fabulous bosoms. I beg you, release your Man-Stallion from his He-Stable for another gallop 'round the ring.''





Stay tuned for more Deadwood quotes this week, although most won't be quite as sentimental...it IS Deadwood after all.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Is Skeletor Really A Saint?

Lucy's quotes:


skeletor




We don't usually quote a website but...I really had to this time. I stumbled upon a small faction of people who celebrate St. Skeletor's Day...If you've never heard of the holiday of which I speak, here's a quote from the #1 St. Skeletor's Day site:


''St Skeletor's Day is a non-commercial alternative to the corporate whorefest that is St Valentine's Day.''

St Skeletor's Day ~ Click here to find the source of this anticorporate whorefest message.


Lucy's special note: Not all people have a problem with whorefests per say. I for instance, have nothing personal against them. Whores are cool, fests are nifty...put 'em both together and whoohoo! Corporate whorefests on the other hand are just not very festive by and large. I know, I've been to a few. The punch is awful, the music is usually ABBA, Rush and Styx...Maybe you should consider celebrating St. Skeletor's Day this year but if you like to take a reformist approach and change St. Valentine's day from within the system, you might start by making the corporate whorefest more festive and getting creative...
...

... so, anyways... we got videos for ya!


For anyone who grew up on these cartoons, here's two hilarious Skeletor videos-the dialogue, it should be obvious, is fake but I have to give props to the anti-Thundercats campaign:










Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Friendly Advice From The Man In Black On Prison Safety circa 1969

JD's quotes:

The famous Johnny Cash concerts done behind the walls of the Folsom and San Quentin prison are now legendary. The other night I caught the documentary on it which cut from prisoners sharing their own stories to Johnny talking and singing on stage. At the beginning of the documentary Johnny is singing ''I walk the line'' and starts to snicker as he stares off into the audience. One of the cameramen was doing something Big John needed to comment on. While laughing, he offered the following advice:



''You better not bend over there with that camera like that...Man, you in the wrong place to bend over; don't you know it? ...Get up from there with that camera!''



The man in black was always full of wise words but those were easily some of the wisest.



At the bottom are three Johnny Cash videos. They are:

Johnny Cash Live in San Quentin singing ''A Boy Named Sue'' by the musical madman Shel Silverstein-You can purchase the concert on CD from:




Johnny Cash doing an impersonation of Elvis-er-some heretofore unnamed rock and roll singer rather-You can purchase the concert on DVD from:



Johnny Cash singing Jackson and Orange Blossom Special with the muppets and Miss Piggy-you'll have to save this web page if you want to watch it again, I don't know where you can purchase this: Enjoy!




























Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Will Forte isn't exactly an X-rated Dr. Dolittle




Lucy's quote:


Polite and unassuming at first glance; at second glance a twisted, strange fellow. A comedic writer and actor from SNL, That 70's show and The Brothers Solomon; we address Mr. Will Forte. Will made a notorious appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien a while back. He raised two interesting subjects in particular. One of the subjects being a rumor about drummer Max Weinberg and his NBC shower room etiquette which caused uproarious laughter, confusion, awkward silence from Max and a look of horror on O'Brien's face, then nervous laughter and threat of a potential law suit from Weinberg. I won't say what Max was implicated in exactly but they mentioned Bigfoot sightings and a blow dryer. During the same notorious interview, Forte brought up a unique tourist attraction he'd visited while on vacation.

Again, I won't say exactly what the tourist attraction was but he brought a picture of himself at the establishment and these words were uttered by Forte while discussing it:



''I learned that if I ever even had the thought that I could please a female whale sexually, I was mistaken.''



...The whales of the world are glad you've been dissuaded from future attempts probably Will. Let's keep in mind, this is the same guy who sang a country song to his mother on Live television about how he'd miss her when she's dead. Strange boy.


Check out Will Forte and Kirsten Wiig's hilarious sketch pertaining to the writers' strike:







Sunday, January 6, 2008

Charley Pride: He's even got the same number of bones in his heel as Faron Young!

JD's quotes:

PRIDE: The Charley Pride Story with Jim Henderson is another great look at a music legend behind the scenes from his own perspective. Charley takes us into his world and tries to explain his thinking as each story of his life unfolds. Charley is most compelling perhaps when he speaks of the misfit aspect of himself. Not just as a black man singing music primarily sung by whites but as a genuine free thinker. Although the book touches on such things as Charley's bouts with manic depression and bitter racial prejudice, it's certainly not without humor.

Ironically, some of the humor comes from the fairly benign breed of racial tension in his life. Charley brings us with him from his days of baseball playing to his dealings with mentally disturbed fans and we thank him for the opportunity to see it all through his eyes. Enjoy these quotes from the book and see if you can get a copy for all the great stories that go with them.





Charley describes his youth:

''People thought I was a little strange anyway, and talking about walking on clouds didn't help my image any.''

''I didn't learn where babies came from until I was eleven.''

''I believed what I was told and so I always believed babies came in those little bags that the midwives carried.''

''Daddy always said I was the most aggravating of his children. I've never denied that I was mischievous.''

''Ours was not a tall barn and getting on the roof was no trouble. Getting down was. I perched on the edge for a moment and imagined myself gliding softly to earth. Not considering the alternative, I popped the umbrella open and jumped.''

''Daddy was in town after school that day and bumped into the principal. ''We had to give Charley a bustin' today,'' the principal told him. Daddy snorted and said, ''Yeah, well, who hasn't?'' ''


Charley on singing for his baseball team to pass the time:

''The team was not in unanimous agreement about my talent. ''Knock off that noise,'' was a fairly common comment.''

Charley's first plane ride:

''The stewardess could tell I was scared. She walked up and said, ''Would you like a pillow?'' What she was really saying was, Would you like for me to keep you from sh*tting your pants? ''Yes. . . yes I would,'' I said.


An obligatory countryism:

''For a few days I was as restless as a bird dog in a duck blind.''

Charley's contradictions:

''We had talked a couple of times and played against each other in an exhibition game, but we were not exactly buddies. ''That's my buddy,'' I said, pointing to Sammy's name.''

''I don't believe I want to sign anything,'' I said.
''Well, sir,'' he said, moving back and putting a hand on his gun, ''I'd like you to step out of the car.''
''I believe I'll sign it,'' I said.''


The great exercise of name dropping must occur in celeb autobiographies as we all know and love. Charley takes us through the interesting reactions to his arrival on the country music scene from Tex Ritter, Webb Pierce, Waylon Jennings, Mel Tillis, Red Foley, Red Sovine, Redd Foxx and probably people with other colors in their name as well:


''Years later, when Loretta was picked to present me with a country music award, she got letters and phone calls warning her that she had better not hug me during the presentation. She not only hugged me, she kissed me.'' ~Speaking of Loretta Lynn


''As I walked toward him, everyone looked around nervously, maybe thinking there was going to be trouble. When I got to where Willie was standing, he grabbed me and kissed me with the whole crowd looking on. That broke everybody up.'' ~Speaking of Willie Nelson before either was very famous.

''I barely remember lying across one of the beds and conking out. When I woke up, George was right beside me.'' ~Speaking of George Jones after ''trying to match George drink for drink'' the night before.

''Without much forethought, I said exactly what I was thinking. ''I watch your show all the time,'' I told him. ''You look older in person.''
He was not flattered.'' ~Talking to Ralph Edwards-host of 'This is your life'

''I had plenty of training for my encounter with Mr. Young.'' ~Speaking of the legendary Faron Young.


Pride goes on to talk about their first encounter:


''...I guess he expected me to throw a punch or something.
''Aw, I was waiting for something worse than that,'' I said.
''You were?''
''Yeah. Guess what I was going to say if you had said something really bad.''
''What?''
''I was going to say, 'You little pucker-mouth banty rooster son of a peckerwood!' ''
He blinked. ''You were going to say that to me?''
''Just like that.''
''I'll be damned.''

Faron would become one of Charley's biggest supporters although he wasn't afraid to ask Charley about the tough racial issues of life at that time:


'' ''Charley,'' he said once, ''I've told you that I grew up in Shreveport. Well, I haven't had a chance to talk to many of y'all. Since we got a chance, there's something I been wanting to ask you. Is it that extra bone in your heel that makes y'all outjump us?''



''What . . . ?''
''That extra bone . . .''
''What extra bone?''
Happy to dispel another racial myth, I told him it was my understanding that he and I had the same number of bones and if we jumped higher than you, it may be because we worked harder at it.
He just may have been putting me on with that question. Faron was like that.''


Onnnnn that note, check out some of Charley's video clips:



I don't normally put up this kind of video but you have to admire the kid's taste in music:











Charley Live -Crystal Chandeliers









Charley Live with Johnny Cash doing a Hank Williams Medley:





Saturday, January 5, 2008

George Carlin jokes about cancer, canine expiration and Elmer Fudd getting the shaft again



JD's quotes:


George Carlin put on his usual intelligent, thought provoking and funny show when he did Doin' it again for HBO-one of many specials he's done for the network. Here are the quotes I can actually get away with quoting:


George Carlin quotes: HBO Special Doin' it again

One from George's list of life's embarrassing moments:


''You ever been talking to someone and you laugh through your nose and blow a snot on your shirt?''

George on public health:

''Cuz I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water.''

George on ''sensitive'' subjects:

''Well, I know, some people don't like you to talk about those things. I know that. Some people don't like you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this,... some people don't want you to say that... Some people think if you mention some things, they might happen...Some people are REALLY F#*^ing stupid!''

While joking about just the kind of sensitive subjects that comedians aren't supposed to joke about, George proceeds to ask the audience to:

''Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.''




One from George's list of things you never see:

''You never see a really big, tall, fat, Chinese guy with red hair.''

George only agrees with some feminist vocabulary changes:

''They want me to call that thing in the street, a personhole cover. I think that's taking it a little bit too far. What would you call a ladies' man? A person's person? That would make a He-man an It-person. Little kids would be afraid of the boogeyperson. They'd look up in the sky and see the person in the moon. Guys would say ''Come back here and fight like a person'' and we'd all sing ''For it's a jolly good person''. That's the kind of thing you would hear on Late Night with David Letterperson! You know what I mean?''

Near the end of the show George begins his admirable rant about New Wave, sugarcoated language. Among his gripes are the changes from ''partly cloudy'' to ''partly sunny'' but one, he points out, will actually make him invincible:

''Because thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die...I'll
pass away...''


Check out one of George's Wordsmith exhibitions on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Embed code disabled: Please follow this link for the video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=02IVWSHdp6A


Friday, January 4, 2008

Between that and those photos on Entertainment Tonight...



JD's quote:

I can't help it, I just heard this one again recently and I had to give Larry Merchant another spot on ''Say what?''. I warn you, this likely won't be the last time either. Here's another beauty from the great sage Larry Merchant. The setting is shortly after the referee stopped the first fight between Julio Caesar Chavez and Oscar De La Hoya. Chavez was losing thoroughly and a cut had suspiciously appeared very early above his left eye. George Foreman hinted that Chavez suffered the cut in training and covered it up to make it to the ring. The cut looked terrible, refused to stop bleeding and the fight was called. Jim Lampley and George Foreman were praising De La Hoya cautiously when old Larry decided to chime in with this unlikely but typically colorful comparison:

''This kid is like a debutante with a knife in her purse.''

Larry, man are we ever gonna miss you when you retire.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Is it a gerbil or just a tickle? (Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes from season six)




JD's quotes:

You may have missed Larry David playing Larry David in the sixth season of Curb Your Enthusiasm for several reasons. Maybe you canceled your subscription to HBO because they keep starting series without finishing them, for instance. Maybe you've been spending too much time looking at blogs and it distracted you [that's perfectly acceptable by the way]. Maybe you've developed a prejudice against bald lead actors [Unacceptable]. Who knows? Either way, you've missed more appearances by Ted Danson and Richard Lewis, as well as new celebrity faces like Michael McKean, Vivica A. Fox, Lucy Lawless, Tim Meadows, Tia Carrere, John McEnroe and more. Here are a few Larry quotes that may paint a picture of what you were missing this past season:


''Just look at this schmohawk over here.''

''Okay,...I have a gerbil up my ass. That's my problem.''

''However, in the interest of full disclosure, I will tell you that um-I do have a tickle in my anus.''

''The penis needs an option...just like everybody else. The penis is human, needs an option.''

''Would you say my balls are unusually long?''

''I guess I just like sick sex.''

''So-so let me- so your last-your last name is Black. Th-th-that's like if my last name was-was Jew, like Larry Jew...cuz I'm Jewish.''

''I take back my toast.''

''Um-I'm so sorry...First of all, you have to understand something, okay? My friend Jeff DID NOT KNOW-DID NOT KNOW-that there was a penis in that box when he picked that up from the bakery.''

''You know what? We love each other...me and my bald brothers.''

PS: JB Smooth was the star of this season as far as I'm concerned. Playing Leon, he and Larry traded excellent life advice to each other. Excellent for us anyway. Not so much for them.

Check out a promo for season six:





Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Lesbian fun endorsed by America's #1 bow-tie wearin' journalist!



JD & Lucy's quotes:



Known from shows on PBS, CNN and MSNBC journalist Tucker Carlson matches the bow-tie look and republican attitude with a wide variety of statements that stick in people's head for better or worse. Here we quote him revisiting a ''controversial'' statement he made once upon a time while stopping by Late Night with Conan O'Brien:

''And so I said I thought, you know, one liberal addition to sex was, you know, recreational female bisexuality. I thought that was a good thing. It's something that liberals gave us and I can get behind and support really strongly.''

Ohhhhh yeah, conservatives swing too baby; this much is clear.



Here's Tucker just completely rocking out like a conservative hippy but without the bow-tie:



Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Foster Brooks did NOT play an alcoholic!

JD's quotes:

Famous for his appearances opening for Perry Como and on the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts and the Dean Martin Show, Foster Brooks played himself up as a good old-fashioned drunk. A drunk mind you, not an alcoholic... He didn't have to go to those pesky meetings if ya catch my drift- wink wink, nudge nudge. Here are a few of Foster's quotes [with stutters included but minus some of the other noises that I don't know how to type out]:


''In all fair-In all fairness to myself, I think I must say that I have a very good re-reason for bein' loaded tonight...I've b-I've been drinking all day!''

''I was in the service...Um...Oh and I might say that I was in the tough-toughest outfit of them all... I was in the Naval-Naval Air Force... Ever try forcin' air through a navel?''


''My-my late father-in-law was-was a Polish sea captain...when he passed away like they do sometimes, you know...his last request was that he be bur-buried at sea...two of my brothers-in-law drowned diggin' his grave.''



Check out Foster cracking Dean Martin up: