Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Canine AIDS is not a laughing matter? (Real George Carlin Quotes)

JD's quotes: From: George Carlin's HBO special, 'George Carlin: What Am I Doin' in New Jersey?', performed at the Park Theater in Union City, New Jersey.

In George Carlin's act, he was good enough so that most of the things he said, tended to fall under a title. He performed pieces, like a classical musician, only with stand-up comedy instead of a violin or a piano. Like, in this special he had a piece detailing a long ''list of people I can do without''. Classic. And, unlike many George Carlin quotes and essays and whatever the dink else that float around on the Internet, this is really from George. I know, because we verify our quotes to a source. This source was George's mouth. I saw his lips move with my own eyes and heard these words come out with my own ears. So, rest assured, this stuff is real, genuine Carlinism. Now for his quotes:

Included in his ''list of people I can do without'' are several occupational hazard types. Among them, George includes:

1. ''A brain surgeon with ''Born to lose'' tattooed on his hands.''
2. ''A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand.''
3. ''A funeral director who says ''Hope to see you folks again, real soon!''.''
''A proctologist with poor depth perception''

George on recreational, pharmaceutical advances he looks forward to:

5. ''They don't have any rectal drugs, do they? That's going to be a big advance when we have that. Soon as we have-Yeah, then you can hide them and take them at the same time, you know?''

George on suggestions to keep people on their toes and also on snazzy cartoon character watches:

''Someone asks you what time it is, say, ''Well, . . .it's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.''.''

George on the epidemic road rage crisis:

''I like kind of a preventive violence in my car. Know what I have? In the rear window of my car, I have one of those diamond-shaped, yellow signs that says ''Armed pit bull with AIDS on board''. And I'll tell you, even the jack-offs are leaving me alone.''

Lastly: George Carlin panders to the New Jersey crowd he's playing to?

''I like New Jersey. I even have one of those T-shirts you guys sell. It says ''Kiss her where it smells. Take her to New Jersey.'' So, I'm a supporter.''

~Yeah, I didn't think so. Not big on the pandering, was he?

I'm keeping this post short and sweet. When George died, I thought about doing a nice, long R. I. P. post for him and talking about how he's in our prayers now that he's passed away and whatnot, but you know what? George would've HATED that. He hated the sugarcoated term ''passed away'', he was an atheist and he just didn't like sappy bullsh*t, like prayers for the dead. So, now, months later, I'm doing a short and sweet George Carlin quote post with only a minor point of his being D-E-A-D, not going to heaven or hell but leaving some interesting stuff behind for us and any George Carlin fan can appreciate that. George can't, because he's dead and gone and even the Flying Spaghetti Monster can't change that, Bucko. Forget about that vulgar, blasphemous, misanthropic a**hole. That's what I'm going with, . . . because I think George would've loved that sh*t.

Aw, what the heck? I'll miss ya, George. I think about something you've said damned near every day and I probably always will, you curmudgeonly old nihilist. 'Say what?' salutes you and the horse you rode in on.

To see a little more 'Say what?' fun with George Carlin, please click here: George Carlin jokes about cancer, canine expiration and Elmer Fudd getting the shaft again


Lazy Third Eye said...

I stumbled this. George would've admired everything up until the sap...But, he may have liked that too.

Christine Lucas said...

My husband and I quote him all the time. I like in Brain Droppings when he talks about names. No more Billy, Sue,Mary,Tom. Now there are Kaitlins, Ashleys,Sieras.

The best was "Where the fuck did Cameron come from?", because my sister-in-law's son, Cameron, was in the next room when we read it!