Saturday, August 23, 2008

Warning: Sexual Research From Canadian Universities Does Not Verify These Findings

Warning: Sexual Research From Canadian Universities Does Not Verify These Findings

JD's Quotes: From: Rodney Dangerfield in 'Meet Wally Sparks'.

Rodney Dangerfield co-wrote and played the title role in 'Meet Wally Sparks'. Wally is a Jerry Springer-like talk show host fighting cancellation of his show. Okay, well, his character isn't quite as respectable and dignified as Jerry Springer but you get the idea. While the movie isn't what I'd call a classic, I would laugh at Rodney Dangerfield reading a phone book. My favorite bit of dialogue would be where Sparks attends a party at the governor's mansion. As he's schmoozing with various official types, the following bit of dialogue takes place:

Kay Gerhard as the ambassador's wife: My husband is the Canadian ambassador.

Rodney as Wally Sparks: Hey, from Canada, huh? Ho, what a place, Canada! They started a country and nobody showed up, huh? I'm just kidding folks. I'm Wally Sparks. Maybe you've seen my television show, uh?

Edmund L. Shaff as the Canadian ambassador: Well, we don't watch much American television.

Wally: Aw, that's too bad. You know, I heard in Canada, they only have sex doggy style. That way, you can both watch the hockey game.

Since Canadians may be politely up in arms over this ridiculous ethnic stereotype, I will come to the rescue, yet again for my Canadian pals. So that no one gets the wrong idea from Rodney Dangerfield's slight ribbing, here is an official list of other sexual positions, techniques and styles that are all perfectly legal and socially acceptable in Canada (Note that they may be called something different in other countries):

The Polar Bear Pumper, The Upside Down Igloo, The Canuck Winker, The Grumpy Grizzly, The Floating Maple Leaf, The Iroquois Iggy, Aunt Suzie's Pipe, The Fur Trader, Pushing The Oregon Boundary, Pimping The Penguin Pocket, The French Mustache, The Ottawa Hornswaggle, The British Colombian Beaver Burner, The Huckleberry Ham-bacon Hiccup, The Toronto Tickle, The Regina Rifleman, The Slow Whistle, The Saucy Saucer Pass, The Funny Puck-bunny Honey, The Double Kneeling Mountie Polka, The Obtuse Moose Goose, Le Pamplemousse Juteux (The juicy grapefruit, in English, I think) and of course, The Missionary Position. If you actually are both trying to watch a hockey game, that last one isn't practical and may cause an argument. Anyway, thanks to Rodney for his everlasting comic genius and the Canadian people for teaching me that a Toronto Tickle, Le Pamplemousse Juteux and Obtuse Moose Goose should be executed in chronological order. That helped a lot.

PS: I sure am glad I left out 'The Arse Farce'' on the list. That would've been a bit too crass for a fine upstanding blog like this one, eh?


Fitzgerald said...

But what I want to know is, can you watch a hockey game while in the "The Arse Farce" position? If not then it is a good thing you left it out.

I just love the "Le Pamplemousse Juteux" position myself.

Da Old Man said...

Amazingly, each of those positions allow both to watch hockey.

Those crazy Canuckians. :)

JD and Lucy said...

Yes, the old man is correct. Everything but Missionary allows you both to take in a hockey game. Most of them you can actually do while playing in a hockey game if you have enough practice and are double jointed and stretch before the game and have very good mental focus. Well, if you're in the pan-Canadian nudist hockey league, too. can't do it with all the hockey gear on. You know. Personally, I don't play hockey. . .


L. Venkata Subramaniam said...

is that why they now have tv screens on the ceiling in some canadian hotels?

JD and Lucy said...

Yes. But the ones in America are there for porn. Just for clarification, lol.


Pensacola Beach Vacation said...

well hockey is less violent thank god