Blue Eyes and Brown Noses: A Phil Hartman Quote

Blue Eyes and Brown Noses: A Phil Hartman Quote

Lucy's quotes:

As some of you may know, I love Saturday Night Live. I Always have. Even back in the days when Walter Winchell did Weekend Update and Danny Thomas was the only weekly host. Lorne Michaels was still there. . . Anyway, I enjoyed watching the hours-long E! channel special entitled, 101 Most Unforgettable SNL Moments. On their list, they featured two impersonations of ol' blue eyes, himself-Frank Sinatra. One by Joe Piscopo and one by the late Phil Hartman, respectively. While Joe Piscopo played Frank as an old singer who wasn't quite with the times and too blunt to be politically correct, he also played him as having an affable side. Phil Hartman took the hilariously exaggerated route and played a Sinatra with a zero-tolerance policy who just couldn't wait to burn you.

Robert Smigel is a longtime SNL writer responsible for SNL's TV Funhouse segment and the puppeteer and voice of Late Night With Conan O'Brien's Triumph, the insult comic dog. During his long stay with SNL while Phil Hartman was still a cast member, Smigel decided to write a version of 'The McLaughlin Group' with Frank Sinatra as the host. The idea came to fruition on January 19, 1991 and saw Sting playing a super-sneering Billy Idol on Frank's panel of celebrity pundits. I know, Billy Idol does not sound like a likely pundit on anything . . .it's part of the humorous scenario, people. Get with it. Anyway, Billy really rubs Frank the wrong way-like everyone did to Phil Hartman's Frank. Phil looks like he might break character a little bit with a smile when he tells Sting ''You don't scare me. I got chunks of guys like you in my stool'' Funny as that is, no it's not the quote of the day. It's just part of the back story. Also on the celebrity panel are Sinead O'Connor (Played by Jan Hooks), and Frank's, uh-pals, Steve and Eydie (played by Mike Meyers and Victoria Jackson). The real quote comes from a Phil Hartman interview in 1996 when Phil recounts:

''I met his-his daughter. She told him ''There's this guy who's impersonating you on Saturday Night Live'' and-and he said ''Yeah, what are they-what are they saying, now?'' She said, ''Well, they did a thing called 'The Sinatra Group' and in it, you say that Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme are a couple of brown-nosers and the audience laughs.'' and he goes ''...Well, that part's true.''

Ah, celebrity reactions. Can't get enough of 'em. By the way, I take back my mini-slam on Lorne Michaels. I wouldn't want to ruin my dreams of some day being the Weekend Update Anchor...in the proud tradition of Winchell.

Why did Cleopatra try to give up her throne to become a beekeeper?

Pictured above is Katie Morgan, sexual historian . . . and porn star. Okay, really more porn star than historian. Mostly an amateur historian and a professional porn star. If you want to get technical about it, that is.

Disclaimer: While this is not an X-Rated post on 'Say what?', there are adult subjects broached. You have probably guessed this as a likelihood, because you are smart and there's a picture of a porn star up there, but I thought I'd warn you anyway. It's not profane, but it is adult. Proceed at your own risk. Be safe. Wear protection. I am. I'm wearing a tin foil hat and ear muffs. I do that for every post, though. Don't ask.

JD'S Quotes:

So, why did Cleopatra try to give up her throne to become a beekeeper? As always, the smart ones will figure out the title by the end of the post. Anyway, I think I've mentioned that I love documentaries. I've also looked very hard for humorous quotes from documentaries for you all. So, out of a pure dedication to the readers of 'Say what?' and sheer intellectual curiosity for history and technology; I watched HBO's Katie Morgan On Sex Toys - A documentary on the history up to now of sex toys, narrated by brainy blonde pornographic starlet, Katie Morgan...who narrated the show nude even though it wasn't technically necessary in any way. Great documentary. Not only was it informative and funny but - Hey, did I happen to mention that Katie Morgan narrated the show nude? Because, she did do that, in case you had wondered. Here are some of nude narrator Katie Morgan's quotes from this fine, fine documentary where the narrator, Katie Morgan, nudely narrated:


*Oh, and by the way, the narrator, Katie Morgan,... she was nude the entire time she was narrating. I just thought I'd mention that. You know me, anything to get people excited about history.

1. Katie on approving of modern technological advances in sexual recreation:

''You know, there's probably never been a better time than today to be an out and out sex maniac.''

2. Katie Morgan on the proper priorities for all ancient cultures-anthropologically speaking, I believe:

''Well, actually, sex toys are hardly new. Consider the dildo. The very first sex toy has been around since the stone age! That's at least 20,000 years before the invention of the wheel. Well, first thing's first, I always say.''

3. Katie Morgan on psychology and impotence: What not to do:

''Comparing yourself to the Greek god of hard-ons could lead to a serious case of limp wiener.''

4. Katie Morgan, perhaps commenting on the most significant role Cleopatra played in ancient history:

''They say Cleopatra invented the very first vibrator by filling a gourd with buzzing bees.''

~Okay, most significant role from Katie's personal perspective.

5. Katie then talked about the completely true history of the modern electrically powered vibrator, which doctors used to treat hysteria in women. It was invented just for the purposes of this good old fashioned medical remedy. Before our next quote, a brief intermission . . . :

The following is a brief and possibly inaccurate reenactment of an early twentieth century doctor's office, from the makers of 'Say what?':

Nurse Willis: Hysterical again, Cathy? Well, the doctor will be with you in a moment.
(buzzing sound and yelling in the background)
Cathy: What's that buzzing sound, nurse Willis?
Nurse Willis: Well, let's just say that your treatments will go a lot faster, from now on.

Man, doctors can be incredibly brilliant healers, can't they? Okay, back to Katie's quote on this particular therapy:

''Unmarried women and nuns were especially encouraged to go in for weekly treatments . . . It was almost worth taking vows for.''

Now, I have known a few nuns in my time and even in this modern day in age, I think they could all use these treatments. Oh, sure. Now, it seems like sexist, chauvinistic, barbaric quackery but would you prefer politically correct medicine or a relaxed nun who doesn't want to kick your ass with a ruler? Be honest.

6. And, last but not least -also, most deserving of the disclaimer: Katie talks about the need for an appliance that can do just about anything, from a very old magazine ad, I think:

''How often do you get to shave your legs and get yourself off with one handy appliance? . . . Just don't get your attachments confused.''

Well, Katie, you have certainly given us all quite a bit to think about and some good advice about avoiding genital catastrophe with a multipurpose personal appliance. You are a smart lady and one hot historian. And, I salute you.

If that's a real Russian saying, I'll kiss your Smirnoff: An Emily Mortimer anecdote

Lucy's quotes:

A Quick Legal Statement: On the off chance that it's really a Russian saying in Emily's anecdote, I renege on kissing anyone's Smirnoff. It was totally said in jest and not a legally binding agreement. My lawyer says so.


Whew! Now that that's over with, let's get on with the quote. NBC's Late Night With Conan O'Brien gets onto Say what? yet again. Emily Mortimer stopped by Late Night not too long ago to promote her recent movie, Transsiberian. She found herself talking about a former Russian poet she'd dated and the downfall of their relationship. Yes, perfect setting for humor, we know. Emily says as follows:

''And, also, he had a very bushy mustache and I wasn't that into the mustache and I got-I got drunk one night and so did he and he fell asleep and I shaved the mustache off in his sleep.

But I got about half way through and then he woke up and he cried. It was awful. (Audience makes a collective 'aw' sound) And he said-and he said he'd had a mustache since he was fourteen years old and that you know, in Russia, they had a saying that eat-uh-no, what was it? Kissing- (changing to a Russian accent) 'Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.' ''

According to Emily, things started to go steadily downhill after that and they broke up. Not exactly a plot twist. So, the moral of the story is: Don't shave sleeping people without their consent. They will not be happy. . .Unless they're into that sort of thing . . . But most people aren't . . . So, check on that beforehand if you're making any plans.

Future Headline: Pete Rose gets double ineligibility after attacking Bob Costas

JD's quotes:

Believe it or not, I think this is the first Baseball related post on 'Say what?'. To our Baseball quote enthusiasts who are shocked that we haven't even at least gotten in a Yogi Berra post...sorry about that. HBO's Costas NOW examined the current state of major league baseball and various Hall of Fame eligibility issues, like players whose stats don't seem as great compared to the steroid-induced stats that today's players often put up. Pete Rose had to show up live via satellite due to health issues. Apparently, this made a fine setting for a zinger. Host, Bob Costas gives Pete the following introduction:

''And now, Pete Rose had been planning to be with us, here in New York. And, despite a case of food poisoning-ever the gamer- he actually went to the airport before being grounded by his ailment. He will join us though, by satellite. He is, of course, the all-time hits leader. And, we really wanted to have him here. And, you know, w-what are the odds? Food poisoning - right before a big show like this. What are the odds of that? Actually, Pete, I'm thinking you probably know, the answer to that question. (Much applause ensues). . . Are you feeling better, Pete?''

Pete via satellite: ''Yeah, smartass.''

For those that don't know, Pete Rose is ineligible to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame because he gambled on Baseball games while playing for and later managing the Cincinnati Reds. I'd say Pete took that joke well, all things considered.

Female Society Thanks Adam Hunter For Bringing Attention To This Issue:

Female Society Thanks Adam Hunter For Bringing Attention To This Issue:

I tune in to NBC's Last Comic Standing here and there when I can take enough time off from feeding cats. There are some very talented comics who land a spot on this show. I've got three quotes for you from the last episode I caught. Here they are:

Lucy's quotes:

Hailing from Salt Lake City, Utah is a former vocalist in a rock band named Marcus and he can do impressions of Bobcat Goldthwait and Aaron Neville. Not a combination found in nature, I might add. Marcus is already planning to be a big star as he only goes by the one name. Bold move. Prince, Madonna, Marcus. It could work. He talks a lot about music in his act, including:

''I don't understand music today. The music I really don't understand is R & B. Because I grew up on old school R & B. The good stuff. Like Sexual Healing,... Let's Get It On. Those songs-I just said the titles of those songs and three people just got pregnant in this room. That's how good that is. That's how good it works.''

Jim Tavaré, the double bass playing English sketch comedy actor with a pleasantly dry sense of humor says:

''My grandfather always used to say to me 'Son, you don't get anywhere in life unless you open doors.' What happened to him? He fell out of an airplane.''

Adam Hunter is a former wrestler and wrestling coach as well as a comic. He describes how male maturity levels can interfere with a couple's sex life:

''The sex was getting kind of redundant for a while so we went to see a sex therapist. And, uh, he said we should use toys in bed. You know? So, so, she went out and got a vibrator and I got Guitar Hero.''


Recently, for the first time in history, we have full grown men who've grown up with video games and the repercussions reach all aspects of life. Sad, really. My advice is to date men without thumbs. See, you need a man who doesn't have an X-Box addiction and a man with no thumbs is just happy to have a good woman so it really works out for everyone. There. Problem solved. God, I rock at solving society's biggest and most challenging issues. Next, I'm going to tackle the national debt thingamajig. Or, I'll just order a pizza and read a magazine. . . I do need to pace myself.