Remembering Mitch Hedberg: Quotes from his act

JD's quotes:





Mitch Hedberg gave us a boatload of trippy humor before dying young. Because Mitch had a great and unique delivery and some jokes that just weren't funny unless he was the one saying them, it's hard to keep in mind that Mitch was an ingenious architect of silly discussions. When Mitch would tell one of his simpler jokes, he often would endearingly say something along the lines of ''Yeah, that was a dumb joke, I know.'' I looked it up and Mitch would've been 40 years-old today. Let's look back on some of Mitch's lines over the years and have a laugh in memory of the offbeat comic who rarely showed up without his sunglasses:



Mitch Hedberg on drugs:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used ta too.

You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black light popped up over his head?

I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.

Mitch on food:

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. 'Cause maybe they're just as good and w-w-we're wasting time.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said ''nooo, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeaahh.''



Mitch on animals:


Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

I find that ducks' opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or a really cool opotamus?



Mitch on dental topics (He brought them up often):

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say ''You're home!''

I was gonna have my teeth whitened but then I said F**k that, I'll just get a tan instead.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar but that sh!t's under control.

I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in sh!t.


Mitch's miscellaneous musings:


I haven't slept for ten days because, that would be too long.

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

I like an escalator man 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.



Check out Mitch as a patient on the fittingly strange and whimsical animated comedy Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist starring another favorite of mine, Jonathan Katz: