A salute to the great intentional and unintentional lines of real life and great fiction. A blend of the funniest and most accurate quotes on the web, old, new and in between. Quotes from TV, Movies, Stand-up acts, books, etc. See if a line that stuck in your head shows up. Please leave comments and tell us what you like and what you want to see. Thanks for stopping by.
Sincerely,
JD & Lucy
Yes again, my friend, again. If not now, then when? Have I been reading Dr. Seuss books? No, I just get giddy when I do an SNL post, that's all. Especially when it's about (Sound the trumpets) my favorite segment, Weekend Update. I've restrained myself for long enough. I just can't stay away from the WU. So, here are some of the last lines that got a belly laugh from me. Keep in mind, each belly laugh is worth 6 points to the anchor reading it, so Jimmy Fallon is still up by several points. Sorry, it's the way we do it. Here they are:
1. Current Anchor Seth Meyers:
Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are denying rumors that they have become lovers. Apparently the rumor got started when I imagined it.
2. Also from Seth Meyers:
Many BlackBerry users are now reporting feeling vibrations when they are not holding their devices. In an effort to combat these phantom sensations, makers of the BlackBerry suggest you stop doing cocaine.
3. Former Anchor and most recently host Tina Fey:
Police in Illinois are looking for a 75-year-old woman who gets around with a cane and a portable oxygen cart. Because she's accused of scamming car dealers by bouncing checks. Officials say that by now, the old lady could be anywhere within an eight foot radius.
4. Also from Tina Fey:
Ingvar Kamprad, the Swedish man who founded IKEA has overtaken Bill Gates as the World's richest man, with a fortune of $53 billion dollars. He plans to use the money to ''finally buy some nice furniture.''
5. And finally, from my favorite former anchor, Jimmy Fallon:
For the first time, the annual event ''Gay Day'' in which homosexuals gather at Disneyland, was held at Euro Disney in Paris. It was the largest gathering of gay men in Paris since the day before.
~ Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon on SNL's Weekend Update
Okay, since Lucy is now outworking me, I'm opening up a new subject to post on. See, there are many colorful physicians out there who go on talk shows, write newsletters, books and articles on websites. They say funny things. Sometimes their eccentricities are pretty darned palpable. One of the doctors that comes to mind is William Campbell Douglass, M.D. who is a funny guy. He authors The Douglass Report. In the Douglass Report, he takes his stands on health by praising a three-egg breakfast complete with bacon and strong coffee with heavy cream, contrary to what you'd typically hear from a medical doctor. Doctor Douglass also is the arch nemesis of the soy bean (doctors hating on soy isn't really that uncommon).
Doctor Douglass is also strongly anti-vegetarian and rarely misses an opportunity to mock them when he comes across a good chance. This is hilarious, trust me. So, a while back, Doctor Douglass, who is in his 80's and probably a bit more ill-tempered for it, comes across this headline in the news. The headline is ''Vegans shun sex with meat-eaters''. When he started to write about this, I knew he was going to go monkey-barrels on all the veggie-heads and fruitarians in the way only he can. He was so insulted by this that he was lead to the following comments (likely stemming from a combined love of bacon, hatred of vegetarianism and the beautifully self-righteous attitude of a medical doctor):
''I think all that processed soybean junk food has gone to their heads - and their sex organs, too.''
''The research is in, and it's alarming: Veganism from birth causes mal development of sex organs in males.''
''Next thing you know, vegans will be cutting out sex altogether, which, come to think of it, wouldn't be much of a stretch.''
''It's not so much that vegans don't want to have sex with meat-eaters - it's that they can't handle being partnered up with someone who actually has a sex drive.''
''The average vegan doesn't "get it on" nearly as much as we hearty meat-eaters. Just stick to a diet loaded with plenty of red meat, eggs, and a few veggies thrown in for variety, and you're bound to get everything you need to be raring-to-go at the drop of a hat. And I've got plenty of personal experience to vouch for it…''
Whoa Nelly! Doc, please. I do NOT want to know about your sex life. Yikes. Okay, let's just all recover from that for a second. In closing, God Bless crotchety old doctors, they are funny.
Say what? has nothing against vegans, fruitarians, Doctor Douglass or eggs but does take a strong stand against soy and the flaunting of sexual energy by senior citizens of any background be it meat-eating or otherwise. Please,... keep it to yourselves, you old horn dogs.
On Friday's new Real Time With Bill Maher, Bill has managed to get his show onto Say what? for their fourth appearance with not only a funny joke but by explaining it to everyone who already gets it. I love it when he does that to amuse himself. It gives me the wicked giggles. Bill Maher in his monologue after mentioning that Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing in his speeches:
''You know, politicians, they all steal. We found this out 'cause they investigated it this week now that it became an issue. In her closing statement, she ripped off something...that Bill Clinton used to say. And he got it from Kennedy, who got it from FDR, who got it from Lincoln, who got it from McCain. ...He's old!''
Okay comedians, we get it. You have to exaggerate some specific trait of each person in the news, including politicians. We get that. But, be careful though. Some people tried to portray Bill ''Slick Willie'' Clinton as a dumb hillbilly at first but he turned out to be pretty clever. What if you make fun of John McCain for being old and he gets into office and we all get to know him better and realize that-oh. Okay, I guess that one can't really backfire. Never mind, go ahead, he's really old, stick with that one...good choice.
Mitch Hedberg gave us a boatload of trippy humor before dying young. Because Mitch had a great and unique delivery and some jokes that just weren't funny unless he was the one saying them, it's hard to keep in mind that Mitch was an ingenious architect of silly discussions. When Mitch would tell one of his simpler jokes, he often would endearingly say something along the lines of ''Yeah, that was a dumb joke, I know.'' I looked it up and Mitch would've been 40 years-old today. Let's look back on some of Mitch's lines over the years and have a laugh in memory of the offbeat comic who rarely showed up without his sunglasses:
Mitch Hedberg on drugs:
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used ta too.
You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black light popped up over his head?
I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.
Mitch on food:
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. 'Cause maybe they're just as good and w-w-we're wasting time.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said ''nooo, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeaahh.''
Mitch on animals:
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I find that ducks' opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or a really cool opotamus?
Mitch on dental topics (He brought them up often):
I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say ''You're home!''
I was gonna have my teeth whitened but then I said F**k that, I'll just get a tan instead.
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar but that sh!t's under control.
I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in sh!t.
Mitch's miscellaneous musings:
I haven't slept for ten days because, that would be too long.
My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.
I like an escalator man 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
Check out Mitch as a patient on the fittingly strange and whimsical animated comedy Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist starring another favorite of mine, Jonathan Katz:
Today's quote is from the very funny children's show for adults-My Name Is Earl. MNIE stars Jason Lee as the title character and I can't remember who plays his mustache. So, here's the scene...Earl has been put in prison, unlike jail, which he's well accustomed to. He's out in the yard where the weights are, trying to steal a pair of sunglasses from one of the skinhead white supremacists so he can make a shiv out of it. Two skinheads are talking, and this is the part of the conversation we get to hear:
White Supremacist inmate one: How 'bout you? Would you hate Martin Luther King more if he'd been Indian?
White Supremacist inmate two: ...Okay, yeah. I'd hate him more if he'd been Indian. Unless he was Cherokee...A Cherokee once saved my black grandpa from drowning...Oops.
And this has been...another intellectual moment from the white supremacists. Stay tuned next time as they ask themselves if white onions are superior to red and yellow ones,... since even the white ones have colored tops. Does the green part make them impure? Hmm...find out next week with some of the top academic authorities of the white supremacist movement.
Artie Lange stopped by Late Night With Conan O'Brien one night to do the worst PSA since ...since Max Weinberg's PSAs on the same show...Late Night has an interesting PSA track record now that I think about it. Artie has this great way of making Conan extremely uncomfortable. Artie talks about drugs and bashes other celebrities that Conan either has or likely will talk to and tries to get Conan in on it. This entertains us. Oh, yeah it does. Artie came on right after Randy Jackson of American Idol left and Artie had to ask Conan if he shared Artie's anger over the fact that someone like Randy was important in the business, as if Conan's going to jump in on that sentiment. Artie then begins on his cocaine comedy while Conan's poor anus becomes sealed shut so tight he'll need a crowbar to break wind for at least the rest of that evening. Artie's best line is this lovely bit of druggie wisdom:
''This is advice for the kids. Only do coke if you're good lookin'. It sucks doin' cocaine when you're ugly, 'cause every time you do a line, you gotta see your face in the mirror.''
Bad Artie! Bad! PS: In this instance PSA doesn't stand for ''prostate-specific antigen'' but rather Public Service Announcement, like it used to mean back in the day. PPS: Also, if Artie Lange overdoses or something like that and kicks the bucket, we will probably take this post off because it won't be appropriate...On second thought, it's not really appropriate now, so we'll just leave it up. PS to the PPS: Actually, we will leave the post up if something should happen to Artie but remove the part where I say he might kick the bucket out of respect and in its place add ''Thanks for the laughs'' where the kicks-the-bucket part was. Yeah, that's it. That's what we'll do. 'Say what?' does not endorse or encourage cocaine use, Artie Lange on cocaine, Artie Lange off cocaine, Randy Jackson on American Idol, Conan O'Brien's anus, Hillary Clinton's laugh, Mitt Romney's street cred, any man named Mitt or celebrity PSAs.
Because of somebody's wisenheimer crack about how I do far less posting than JD, I've started posting a lot more this month, thank you very much. I hope you've all noticed. Well, there was a moment on Live with Regis and Kelly Ripa that I couldn't let go unquoted. Although they were cutting in on each other and laughing as usual, here's the quote of their conversation, as directly as it can be:
Regis: I'm getting nervous about the Academy Awards-
Kelly: Do not be nervous. You are gonna rock the hizzay!
Regis: Well, here's what I'm nervous about...rock the what?
Kelly: Hizzay.
Regis: What does that mean?
Kelly: It means 'house'. Say 'hizzay'. The stars will like it; they'll think you're dope.
Regis: Hizzay! Hizzay means house?
Kelly: Hizzay.
Regis: Really?
Kelly: Yes, in Snoop Dog language, yeah.
Regis: Oh, okay.
Regis: Hey, I wonder if Snoop Dog is gonna be there. Sometimes he shows up at these things.
Kelly: Probablizzay, ... I'm here all week.
Regis: Ahhh, that Snoopy guy.
Priceless. I love those two. I love them so much that I hope the phrase ''big pimping'' gets turned into ''big pipping'' in honor of Kelly and her ability to teach hip hop culture to the daytime TV crowd. If it's possible to make Big Daddy Reege any cooler, Kelly may have done it. Tomorrow on Live: Kelly teaches the audience how to keep it crunk!
Well, it was bound to happen again guys and gals. It's another post about everybody's favorite pill-popping, stubble-growing, sneaker-wearing, mind-game playing, wisecracking, limping genius today. Of course, I mean Hugh Laurie's character Gregory House, M. D. on Fox.
1. Dr. Allison Cameron (played by Jennifer Morrison): Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a 6 foot long hose shoved into your large intestine? House: No. But I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college. 2. Cameron to House: Maybe Between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could've tipped me off! 3. Hannah-the patient of the week (Played by Jayma Mays): I've got the plague?
House: Don't worry, it's treatable. Being a bitch though, nothing we can do about that. 4. House: I need you to sleep with Wilson Lisa Edelstein as WHHA*, Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Wish I could help but, as administrator, there are some people in accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with first. 5. House: Stop that Jew! 6. House: Foreman must have a touch like an elephant. 7. Anne Dudek as conniving young doctor, Amber Volakis: Hi Greg...and I call you Greg because we are now social equals.
House: I call you Cutthroat Bitch...well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.
8. Amber: Dr. Cuddy, I'm Amber Volakis, one of House's new fellows.
Dr. Cuddy:Sexual Harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through workers' comp and any accusations of criminal activities go directly to the Princeton Plainsborough Police Department.
9. House: Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
10. House: Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose.
11. House to Foreman: Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I take mine black, the way I take my brain damaged neurologists.
12. House: I'm a really good secret keeper. I never told anybody that Wilson wets his bed.
13. Robert Sean Leonard as Dr. James Wilson: You don't like her, because she's a psychiatrist.
House: Mmm,I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many reasons
Wilson: Never before has a profession been so decried by someone who needed it so badly.
House: You talk a lot of smack about tranny hookers.
14. Wilson: Why am I here?
House: Because I wanna ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is or you'd have told me her name.
Wilson: She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth defect.
House: There's only about 12 people we both know and I can't remember 5 of their names. So, we're down to Cuddy, your ex-wives-
Wilson: Your momma
Later that episode:
15. House: If that's what love is, then I don't want anything to do with it.
Wilson: Starts with warm feet but leads to other things. Your mom and I will explain when you're older.
16. House: She's a needy version of me.
Wilson: It's hard to imagine such a mythical creature.
17. Omar Epps as Dr. Eric Foreman: He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her.
Wilson: It's House's version of courtship.
Foreman: Oh, God. He's been wooing me for years.
18. Wilson: ''Are you okay?''
House: It's a valid medical question.
Wilson: I have never heard you ask a patient that ques-you've never asked me that question and you've seen me fall down a flight of stairs drunk.
19. House to Wilson: Any minute now, she's gonna hit him in the face with your testicles.
20. House to Wilson again: You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves-...Oh, my God...You're sleeping with me.
Special Note: WHHA stands for World's Hottest Hospital Administrator. If you have information that she no longer carries this title, please let us know.
Check out this hilarious House Parody on MAD TV even though it's an overly dark, poor quality, gratuitous youtube video and it's a shameless ploy we use to make our site more visually appealing for free (Speak of this to no one):
Major Payne is the story of a military man who has been dropped from the military because they don't need him anymore...because he already killed all the enemies and killing is just the only thing he's good at doing. Payne is a social misfit outside the military but luckily gets a kind of military gig, working as the head of an ROTC program. His new mission is to train children of all ages to win the Virginia Military Games for the Madison Preparatory School. Major Payne is played by Damon Wayans, famous for his characters on In Living Color like Homey D. Clown and his sitcom with Tisha Campbell My Wife & Kids. Here, he plays alongside Karyn Parsons as the school counselor, Emily Walburn. Karyn also played Hilary Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Here are some quotes and a video from Major Payne:
1. Major Payne to a cadet with a dog: You know, there ain't no pets allowed on these here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.
Cadet: Yeah, well, maybe that doesn't apply to me. He's my blind seeing eye dog.
Major Payne: What in the world would anybody want with a blind dog?
2. Major Payne to his youngest cadet after he pees himself: You think your tears'll stop Charlie from takin' his bayonet and stickin' it in your little tiny heart?
3. Major Payne to his complaining cadets as they try to run the obstacle course: You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between sh!t and syphillis.
My favorite:
4. Karyn Parsons as Emily Walburn: You see, now you're dealing with children, and children have special needs. Do you know what positive reinforcement means?
Major Payne: Is that anything like where you take a P.O.W. and you snap his neck after you torture him so he don't have to go through life with a colostomy bag?
Emily: . . . Sort of.
Check out this hilarious bedtime story from Major Payne as told to Tiger, played by Orlando Brown:
JD's quotes: ~Pavlik left, Taylor right and Larry makes three.
Larry Merchant is still the best personality on HBO as far as the non-fiction goes, in my humble opinion. I know, if you read 'Say what?' regularly and don't like or know Larry, you may be rolling your eyes. Go ahead and roll them, I love to quote this man. Anyone who loves the sport of boxing as ''The Sweet Science'' and who has tried to explain the greatness of the sport to someone who calls it barbaric, was just slapping the crap out of their foreheads during the first Kelly Pavlik VS Jermaine Taylor middleweight championship fight. Why? Because Larry Merchant blurted out this line: ''This must be a pretty good fight Jim, I've already got five dots of blood on my shirt.'' ...Jim Lampley waited a few seconds and then talked about something else, completely ignoring Larry's comment. Jim is funniest when he does that. Larry says something to which no one who's sane has a reply, then Jim changes the subject. Here's a completely fictional example just to give you an idea of how this normally happens: Larry during a dull moment of a fight: ''This is like watching a Canadian dollar trying to wrestle a Japanese yen to the ground and not having any luck at it.'' Jim: ''... ...Wallace in the orange trunks with the black stripes tonight. '' Sometimes I just wonder if Larry says some of this stuff just to see if it will make Lampley uncomfortable or at a loss for words. Other times I wonder if Larry isn't being quiet but rather someone has cut his microphone. It's hard to tell what's going on when the camera isn't pointed towards the commentators. You know, during many fights, I'd prefer it if the cameras were on Larry instead, sometimes I'm much more interested to see what he's doing than say, Cory Spinks. PS: I'm completely unapologetic for my obsession with Larry Merchant and, so, you can go shove that down your shorts bucko. HBO, Don't get rid of Larry Merchant!
JD's quotes: If you have yet to see it, the former star of HBO's Arliss, Robert Wuhl has done two presentations to college students about history for television and they are two of the most worthwhile history programs that you'll see. They were on HBO, not PBS or The History Channel, interestingly enough. As a History Channel junkie, I'm giving some major praise here. The program is called Assume The Position With Mr. Wuhl and Mr. Wuhl gives the class and viewers at home one of the most entertaining and enlightening lessons in history, that they can ask for and brings some hefty enthusiasm with him. Of course, this includes enthusiastically dropping a few F-bombs just to get your attention-it is HBO after all. If only your average professor were like Mr. Wuhl. Across the first Assume The Position, Wuhl simply introduces his basic philosophy of history...he assumes the position that it's nothing but pop culture. He backs this up by explaining who in the living crap Israel Bissell was, how similar old 19th century authors were to the likes of Quentin Tarantino and Steven Tyler and why in the name of Aunt Fanny's Nanny Yankee Doodle would call that feather in his cap macaroni of all things. The second installment was great as well but here are my favorite quotes from the first Assume The Position, now showing on HBO again: 1. ''So, this world-is-round story is 100% bullsh!t.''-Wuhl says this while shattering a huge Christopher Columbus myth with an appropriate and understandable level of glee.
2. ''You remember Rip Van Winkle,...story about a man who has a nagging wife. He gets drunk, goes to sleep for 20 years, wakes up, his wife is dead and he lives happily ever after. '' 3. ''Not that Academy awards are the be-all and end-all of everything. I mean, Ben Affleck's got a f**kin' Oscar for God's sakes! ''
After Wuhl puts up a picture of a man on a horse in colonial dress he asks:
4. ''How about this guy? 1775, Boston, Massachusetts: A British postal worker, 23-years-old. A postal rider, hears that the British are invading. He gets on a horse and rides 350 miles to warn the colonists. And his name is?(The students dully drone in unison ''Paul Revere'' and Wuhl gladly corrects them) His name is Israel Bissell...'' 5. ''So, right off the bat, our country is based upon a grammatical f**k-up!''
Lastly, after showing a very helpful and eye-opening visual aid:
6. ''I think it's safe to assume the position that there was no such thing as a colonial quickie.''
Today's quote comes from Seth MacFarlane's other brainchild, the also animated American Dad, which is the next best thing to Family Guy. Although Family Guy is easily my favorite of the two, American Dad is growing on me a bit. I especially like Roger, the alien who could not remind me more of Paul Lynde.
Roger (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane himself): Ah, it was a pomegranate. That's what was in my teeth. Look at this thing. Looks like a woman's baby cannon. Stan (Also voiced by Seth): I know we're in the middle of a show but that was American Dad's 1,000th vagina joke!
Roger: Oh my God!
Steve (Voiced by Scott Grimes- who also plays Dr. Morris on ER): Your brand new Cutlass Supreme is waiting outside.
Anonymous audience member (Voiced by anonymous person): Speech! Speech!
Roger: Ok-Okay, Okay! Thank you. Um, wow, our 1,000th vagina joke. Gosh, where do I start? Um, I guess I'd like to thank vaginas everywhere. They're creepy and I don't know what they're for but boy are they funny. Thank you!
Congratulations to American Dad on this milestone achievement. Thanks to our quoting this scene, 'Say what?' is now achieving its first usage of the word vagina. So, congratulations to us as well. We simply couldn't be prouder.
Lucy's quotes: As you all may know by now...we love the deeply quotable Weekend Update segment from SNL, and they have had and continue to have many perfect stand alone jokes. So, we often quote them one joke at a time so they have a chance to dig into your brain and sit a while. Can ya dig it? From my favorite incarnation of WU, the Fey/Fallon team, here's one from that dear, sweet boy Jimmy Fallon:
Jimmy: Stevie Wonder is being sued for over forty million dollars by an ex-girlfriend who claims the singer agreed to support her after he gave her genital herpes. In response, Stevie said ''I have never seen that woman before in my life.'' ...
The two Hot Shots! films were basically parodies brimming with sight gags. The first Hot Shots! movie was mostly a parody of Top Gun, while the second parodied the Rambo films, explaining why it's as muscular as Charlie Sheen has ever had to be for a role. I just saw a list of celebrities that had been suspected in steroid use and Sheen made the list just for this movie. Carrot Top managed to also make that list, so it's a pretty scary list. Anyway, Part Deux, a Jim Abrahams film through and through had so many sight gags, it may have been hard to fully appreciate the dialogue, which was every bit as goofy. In this movie, Topper Harley, Charlie's character, is reunited with his long lost love from the first film-Ramada, played by Valeria Golino. Part Deux parodies so many things, if you're most people, you'll miss several bits. Richard Crenna's playing a parody of himself in the Rambo movies is great but they even had Lloyd Bridges parodying himself from his old show Sea Hunt!
How many people got that? Here are some quotes from HSPD...that's right...I abbreviated it as if only the cool kids would know what I meant...or as if it saved a significant amount of typing time...which it doesn't. ...So here are the quotes:
1. Topper to Ramada: Sorry sweetheart, but this all-day sucker is down to the soggy white stick.
2. Ramada: He opened my eyes to the arts, music, clog dancing, WrestleMania.
3. Harley to Harbinger (played by Miguel Ferrer): Hey, look. I'm not saying I don't trust you and I'm not saying I do. But I don't.
4. Colonel Walters (played by Richard Crenna): And that Dim Sum fighting in the warehouse, yesterday?
Topper: Oh, I just do that for the extra money, and to satisfy my male cravings to kill and win.
5. My favorite character, the hilariously aloof President Tug Benson (played by Lloyd Bridges):
Damn tongue's gone dry on me. It's not mine, you know. No, I lost mine in Laos, little commie kid lopped it right off, probably a doorstop somewhere for all I know. Got this one from a basset hound.
6. President Benson to Saddam Hussein (played by Jerry Haleva): We'll settle this the old Navy way. First guy to die, loses!
7. President Benson explaining why he doesn't feel well:
My intestines were removed during action in the North Atlantic. Took a torpedo in the lower abdomen and they replaced every foot of my bowel with hemp-Clogs easily.
JD's non-quote (I'm just talking): Hi everyone, I just wanted to give a shout out to our new friends at the recently made humor site at http://lazythirdeye.blogspot.com/ whose first post was written by none other than our own Lucy. Dumbfounding me, the post is called ''Top ten things you never get to hear in porn'' and the permalink is here: http://lazythirdeye.blogspot.com/2008/02/top-ten-things-you-never-get-to-hear-in.html Best of luck to Lazy Third Eye on their new site and congratulations on a hilarious name...which happens to be the name of a condition I've been afflicted with, so I don't find it personally very funny. My third eye started to lose gumption back in the day after an incident with a unique chair lifting contest, and well...Anyway, please check them out. Also, if you're a blogger of the humorous kind, you're going to want to check out Lazy Third Eye because they want to put your content on display. They want you to make a contribution post for them to publish and give you an advertisement in return. They want original content from you though, not permission to reprint. If you'd like to drive traffic to your site and you think you've got a good enough idea, get in touch with LTE and see if they like your site. They'll look at your site, if they like it, you can submit new material, they'll make sure it's original, then post your material, with your name or writing alias and your web address and put you on their list of humor blogs on the right. You must also link to them, such as we are doing now. We had no problem with that (we meaning Lucy because I didn't know about it until this morning) so, we got a spot on their site. You might be able to as well. Check them out. Well, we've plugged Lazy Third Eye- a full day's work and now we'll get back to our regularly scheduled programming. Thanks for listening, keep coming back and please share with friends, family, people you've never met and those not good enough to make it past acquaintance status. ~JD
Sadly, the George Lopez show isn't on the air for another season but they had a lot of great exchanges we can remember them by, especially with Belita Moreno as George's mom Benny. Here's one of many from when George's estranged father passes away (Death, a perfect breeding ground for comedy, you know it) :
Mr. Carrillo (played by Daniel Edward Mora): Hey, George, I heard about your dad. I'm very sorry.
George: Thanks
Mr. Carrillo: When's the service?
Angie (played by Constance Marie): It's Saturday, in Arizona. We're leaving tomorow.
Benny: Well, I'm not going...I was married to the guy. I saw enough of him laying down and not moving.
Check out a gratuitous youtube video clip of George on Jimmy Kimmel Live for no reason:
Which one is which? Will Ferrell was only one of the SNL players to do a George W. Bush impression. In case you're one of the readers who don't know George, he is the current president of Texas. Will may not have been known for the art of straight impressions but he did master the ''W'' vibe. You know the one, the ''I'm much smarter in real life than on camera'' thing. ''Hey America, the camera adds ten pounds and takes away 30 IQ points.'' SNL's political humor has benefited so much from ''W''. SNL will miss George like JD will miss Larry Merchant.
Will Ferrell as George W. Bush:
''And, don't forget France. The French don't like me sayin' ''Axis of Evil''. So, guess what? They are now part of the very same Axis of Evil, that they don't like me sayin'. How do ya like them apples France? Next time, you keep your mouth shut. You mess with Texas and it's straight to the Axis of Evil. Got it?''
That's right France, watch your ass. We will absolutely bomb you. We roll like that. As a matter of fact, the CIA is well aware of your attack on America. We've got files on your military operation ''Le Katrina''. You're goin' down! You hate us for our Freedom! Or, we'll attack Sweden, there's probably some French people there. Europeans are all connected...
JD'S quotes: Still Standing, a sitcom starring Mark Addy and Jami Gertz as Bill and Judy Miller, was honored by comic legend Rodney Dangerfield when he briefly appeared as their neighbor, Ed Bailey. Here's a piece of their brief encounter on the show that puts an image in my head I find unable to remove but still pretty dadblame funny: Mark Addy as Bill: You know, you haven't been such a great neighbor yourself. You remember that time I came over to be sociable and you threw me out? Rodney Dangerfield as neighbor Ed Bailey: Hey, I caught you naked in my hot tub. Bill: Hey, hey, I wasn't naked. I was wearin' a Speedo that kept ridin' up on me.
In Bob Saget's HBO comedy special That ain't right Bob rambles for nearly an hour about John Stamos, leprechauns, a poor kid in the audience named Jared and his potential romance with Kimmy Gibbler. He does this only after entering to Jamie Kennedy and Stu Stone's rap song Rollin' with Saget...which is a great song if you've never heard it. When not rambling, he's singing. I cannot for the life of me, after having sat through this show twice, arrive at a decision as to whether he is not-that-funny or actually brilliant...and perhaps therein lies his genius. I may end up watching it a third time just to figure it out. I may never figure it out! When Bob starts singing, he goes into his own song, set to the melody of the Backstreet Boys number I want it that way, another song that gets close to bestiality but not quite? and one he introduces as ''An old English folk song'' that I thought was perfectly quote-worthy. Here are the entire song's lyrics as sung by Saget:
''There was an old farmer who sat on a rock
Stroking his whiskers and shaking his fist at his neighbors who sat on their ricks Teaching their children to play with their kite-strings and marbles in the old days of yore Along came a lady who looked like a decent young lady and walked like a duck
Said she'd discovered a new way to bring up the children to sew and to knit
The boys in the stables were shoveling up contents of stables left after the hunt
The carman was feeling a nice piece of straw from the stables cleaning the walls
In came the dairymaid to play with his dog in the dairy where she did belong
If you think this is dirty well, you're F**kin' well wrong''
Saget fully admits that he didn't write this song but I'm glad he covered it. I like his version but there are many, many different versions. The one I learned and sing when I'm in the shower or drunk goes like this:
Thhhhhhhhhere was an old farmer who sat on his rick
Ranting and raving and waving his arms to the people who sat on the walls
Teaching their children to play with their kite-strings and bowstrings like in the old days of yore
When along came a lady who liked like a decent young lady who walked like a duck
Said she'd invented a new way to educate children to sew and to knit
While the servants in the barnyard were shoveling refuse from the barnyard from the back to the front As the young maids in the tavern plucked hairs from their aprons and blouses just for their health
And if you want different lyrics, you can sing them yourselllllllf!!!
Hey, I like both ways but I'll still sing my version because I think the hair plucking part is the best. ...You tell me which one is better. Also, if you have a good site with any version of this song that you'd like to share or on its history, please comment and put it up. I love it, I'm pretty sure it's a public domain song. Also, though I might be wrong, I think it's called ''A clean English folk song.'' Anybody know?
~Once again, we dare you to find a Mel Brooks movie where cleavage isn't in one of the starring roles. We double-butted dog dare you and the horse you rode in on to find one Mel Brooks movie-no wait...If there is one, then I don't want to know about it...I happen to like the norm on this one. Hey, when's he coming out with another movie? (By the way, that's Mel in the middle with Harvey Korman on the left and ...three people I don't know on the right.)
JD's quotes: Today's quote is from the film accredited with having the first ever flatulence scene in the history of movies and good for them doggone it! The movie was Blazing Saddles and starred Gene Wilder, Cleavon Little, Harvey Korman, Mel Brooks and a few others. Here's a quote from Mel and Harvey in the very scene pictured above:
Harvey Korman as Attorney General Hedley Lamarr(Not to be confused with Hedy Lamarr, ha ha ha): Just one more bill for you to sign sir. Mel Brooks as Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell is this? Lamarr: This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the ''William J. Le Petomane Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.'' Governor Le Petomane: Gentleman, this bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment, of the insane gambler.
~Betty White with Bootsy...I'm just kidding, I don't know the name of the dog.
Lucy's quotes: Golden Girls was home to some of the funniest sitcom dialogue of its day. Although each character had ample quote-worthy lines, maybe the queen was Betty White with her character Rose Nylund-The innocent, gullible native of the fictional St. Olaf. Here's a line of Betty's on The Golden Girls:
Rose to Rue McClanahan's hypersexual southern belle character Blanche Devereaux: Blanche, I don't think you realize how powerful sex is... ... Once Charlie and I actually did it till the cows came home...course I was wearing a bell.
Possibly the most unintentionally funny reality show on television might just be World's Most Amazing Videos. The narrator's jokes are terrible and consist almost completely of bad puns and the serious parts are the funniest...and also typically consist of bad puns. They constantly try to sound dramatic and add suspense even though chances are that the viewer is laughing hysterically at some of the dumbest human beings they've ever seen. I know I am. The following are things that were ACTUALLY said on this program during their special Animals Gone Wild edition (Remember to hear the deep stirring voice of the narrator in your mind, trying to sound as if he thinks he's got you on the edge of your seat wetting yourself from fear whenever you see monkey):
1. Sink your teeth into ''Animals Gone Wild''.
2. Plus, a startled steed becomes a bucking bronco...and crushes its rider under-hoof.
3. And later, a cheetah turns a TV host into a TV dinner.
4. But first, a zoo comes under siege, when an orangutan goes ape.
5. Plus, a crocodile trainer's trick, gives him a piercing headache.
This show is so great, it involves a bartender having to taser a rabid fox! That...that was like Christmas and my Birthday and St. Skeletor's Day all rolled into one. Immediately following is this quote:
6. She'll be okay,...but it'll be sometime before she can live down the night she was outfoxed by a fox.
Also great, a woman who works with BEARS for a living, decides to entertain THE BEARS with her ukulele! This leads them to build the suspense by saying:
7. Today, Maria tries entertaining the animals with some ukulele music, inside their enclosure...She won't be giving an encore... (Don't worry, she's not dead...well maybe brain dead but the bears weren't responsible for that.)
Then, showing footage of a rodent epidemic:
8. It will take weeks to get rid of this four-legged plague. Until then, residents are the ones caught in a mousetrap.
Got goose bumps yet? Wait, this next one might do it for you.
The best one of the night was when they spoke of an annual midget rodeo. Yes...MIDGET RODEO, I said! A lady midget matador (snicker, snicker) is knocked on her stomach by none other than...a midget bull, who engaged in a unique attack which the narrator actually calls... a ''BOVINE BOOTY-CALL'', following up with this comment:
9. But thankfully,...she was fighting a bull who wanted to make love...not gore.
THAT, ladies and gentleman, is just one single episode of World's Most Amazing Videos. Nice!
This isn't a regular post and something we've never done on Say what?. We'll keep it short and simple. A really wonderful show is being cancelled and it's called Journeyman. It's a great cast although the most recognizable actor is Kevin McKidd from HBO's epic drama Rome. Journeyman is the story of a journalist named Dan getting sucked into a time-traveling phenomenon. We won't go through the whole plotline but suffice it to say that there was an unfortunate dismissal by TV fans to assume it was basically the new Quantum Leap. If they didn't like Quantum Leap, there'd be no reason to give it a chance and if they did like it, they couldn't see watching a remake of it. So, Journeyman suffered unfairly from the start . We both gave it a chance and as far as we're concerned, Journeyman is easily one of the best series out there and never got the promotional attention that it deserved and certainly hasn't received the time it deserves to grow an audience and attract those that either dismissed it wrongly with the aforementioned assumptions or never heard of it. NBC has given us a show you can sink your teeth into and then snatched it away because it wasn't an immediate ratings smash. We understand that you need good ratings to keep a show on but the idea that something must be an immediate top ranking show is quite unfair. Neither of us know anyone who has watched the show and not enjoyed it. It is not a Quantum Leap knock-off like some suspect-making the assumption without watching it. Journeyman is no more a copy of Quantum Leap because it shares the fantasy topic of time travel than Sex And The City is a copy of The Mary Tyler Moore Show because they both share the topic of single women living alone in the city. Aside from the idea of time travel, we find it bares no similarity at all. At any rate, we thought we would add to the support by giving some links to the Save Journeyman effort. We registered with Hey! Nielsen and rated the show and will put in for the Rice-a-Roni campaign too and we hope you fellow fans of the show will do the same if you haven't already. We'd have done this post sooner but we assumed the show was on hiatus do to the writers' strike until we saw the Save Journeyman campaign on Digg. Good luck to us all on ensuring quality TV by not letting this show slip through the cracks.
Tina Fey delivered some of the most brutal lines of SNL's Weekend Update and did it with the kind of skillful sarcasm you have to learn in a Ninjitsu class. In some special Ninja cults, they actually worship Tina Fey, true story. Anyway, here she is with some important health information from WU: Master Tina: ''In Women's Health News, the FDA announced that it has approved ''NuvaRing'', a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen. Just like Michael Jackson's penis.''
VS...No doubt Tina would put the smack down on Michael, is there?...I mean, come on.
JD was born on ruby Tuesday shortly after the great bifurcated rivet shortage of Denmark. It was nearly 19 years afterwards that he stumbled upon the idea of lukewarm fusion when staring really closely into the microwave during the great chocolate pop tart with peanut butter disaster of Northern America. Bla, bla, bla, then he realized elephants weren't meant for that kind of work, yadda, yadda, yadda and was unceremoniously kicked out of the Navel Orange Force and moved to the country where he now counts toothpicks, runs a blogger recovery support group and occasionally suffers from a painful weenis inflammation for which there is no known cure (other than gin and orange juice with some crushed ice and lots of love).
Lucy's brief biography:
Lucy was born in the mid to late or beginning part of a decade when the solstice was just shy of extemporaneous. Once she realized that she was not to be the next Lita Ford, she figured she would raise cats for no monetary reimbursement and blog about stuff. Somewhere in between she negotiated the Kittimer Accords and found a linty lozenge on MLK BLVD, therefore inspiring her to invent a fuel system for an automobile that worked only on water and eucalyptus oil. Anyway, she now dyes her hair Cayenne Red from the oo-that-burns-so-good dye manufacturer and spends much of her time petitioning to get Welcome Back, Kotter on the air again from her log cabin home in Inglesby, Minnesota.
Special Note on beliefs of the authors: BOTH blog authors firmly believe that the love you take is only equal to the love you make under the condition of Dingham's law when the transitive thermodynamic appendix of subatomic maturation will not exceed or succeed the rate of any kind of demolecularized convex or pyrexed dithyroxin monoparliamentary anti-romanticide solution of no greater than 3% by volume. So, although we're cool with the philosophical notion set forth by the lyric, we can under no uncertain terms purport that this circumstance circumvents or circumnavigates any potential scenario. So, in other words, if a nonlinear dispersible wave is non-invasive or perpetually inept as a magnitude of its own groovitational pull (see; groove theory of relativity by Korean doctor Thyn Wyte Dook), then it is truly polarized in a fashion of dynamic tubular Carbuncle Units Apt Sans statistical analyses of said unified physics or ''sunshine units''. Therefore, you can't really make that much love and you're left with some kind of an asymptomatic doodad for your undercover thunder-rolling if you catch our drift. Ask Stephen Hawking. He knows. He talked it over with Paul McCartney on that last PBS science special.
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~ Seth Meyers of SNL
~ Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon on SNL's Weekend Update
